Next: Loafing step-daughter
From: lioness on 7 Dec 2005 18:02
Hi,This is my first time posting on a board. My husband and I have
been together for nearly 5 years. We were married this past June. He
has two daughters, 16 & 15 and I have two daughters, 10 & 6. Life was
great...he had 50/50 custody with his x-wife and our weekends were
insync with my x. So, twice a month we were alone for two whole
days.(Sat & most of Sunday) This past July his oldest daughter moved
in with us because his x got married and moved to Florida. One of his
girls did move to Florida with the mom but didn't like it and is back.
So, we have all four girls, mine & his. He is the kind of dad that is
totally devoted to his kids. And somehow, in the process we have
disappeared completely. Before the girls moved in there were promises
that he would make time for us and make a big effort to tell his girls
that our relationship was a priority and all that...it never happened.I
feel like a huge baby for feeling so alone and wishing for the man I
had. I have said some things and dropped hints but he's totally
unwilling to make any changes. The kids are the priority and that's
it. I should say his kids are the priority. He's very good to my
girls too, but he's focused on his girls. So I guess what I'm asking
all of you out there is should I just chalk it up to life taking it's
tole on us and let it go?? The magic can't last forever I guess and I
am very grateful he's such a good man but I am so lonely. We never
talk anymore, we can't because there's always someone around. He won't
participate in the "this is our time" program because he thinks a
parent is a parent and you're never off duty. Help! I'm miserable and
feeling selfish too.

From: lioness on 8 Dec 2005 12:21
Thanks. There was good information in that message. I can look at it
as a solution for all involved. Blended famalies are more difficult
than I thought. I'm always willing to try new things and make
adjustments. One of the teenagers is involved in school activities,
while the other one is a home body. She's 15 and likes to be at home
with everyone. So, I'll have to be more creative with her I
think...like a job :-) I guess what frustrates me the most is I appear
to be the only one striving for the solution. My husband feels it's
just a busy time in our lives and we'll get through it. My point to
him is this is our life and, as you mentioned in your response, the
kids will only get older and want to be involved in more activities.

From: Tracey on 8 Dec 2005 13:02


lioness wrote:
> I guess what frustrates me the most is I appear
> to be the only one striving for the solution. My husband feels it's
> just a busy time in our lives and we'll get through it.

I think there's one type of couple that makes it through busy times
like you've described and that's the type of couple where *both*
are totally on board with the view of 'The kids are only here for
a short time, we have the rest of our lives to be together.' Since
you're here, you're obviously not of that view. There's nothing
bad about that, I'm of that opinion myself. I'm NOT a person who
can sacrifice for months and years at a time and be content that,
someday, I'll be able to spend more time with my husband or be
able to take that trip around the world or whatever the sacrifice
du jour is. I want to be happy and content *now* and if that means
that our weekly pizza-and-wings night means that we have to save
for a year versus 10 months to take a trip, then so be it.

I think you can find lots of marriages that have broken up after
the kids are all grown and out of the house because the focus has
been solely on the kids and their activities and the relationship
between the parents has taken a back seat to the point that one
parent is and has been resentful of that fact. And by the time
the kids are out of the house, it's too late. The resentment runs
too deep.

Tracey

From: Banty on 8 Dec 2005 13:10
In article <1134062486.436600.220530(a)g49g2000cwa.googlegroups.com>, lioness
says...
>
>Thanks. There was good information in that message. I can look at it
>as a solution for all involved. Blended famalies are more difficult
>than I thought. I'm always willing to try new things and make
>adjustments. One of the teenagers is involved in school activities,
>while the other one is a home body. She's 15 and likes to be at home
>with everyone. So, I'll have to be more creative with her I
>think...like a job :-) I guess what frustrates me the most is I appear
>to be the only one striving for the solution. My husband feels it's
>just a busy time in our lives and we'll get through it. My point to
>him is this is our life and, as you mentioned in your response, the
>kids will only get older and want to be involved in more activities.
>

Yep.

I think it's a matter of teen-kid-needs juxtaposed with early-marriage-needs.
and your needs are not being met, but their needs still need to be met.

It occurs to me that something that could be tried, to get that day-to-day adult
time and interaction, is to set aside the last hour or so in the weekday late
evenings as "wind down time". 10:00 to bedtime or 11:00 to bedtime or whatever
works with your habits and schedule and sleep needs. During "wind down time",
the teens are in their bedroom(s), getting ready for bed, finishing homework,
online stuff, reading, soft radio, whatever - quiet stuff. The parts of their
homework that they need help with should be done by then, easier stuff and
finishing off stuff can happen during wind-down time in their rooms.

You and hubby can have the living room or wherever during wind-down time just
the two of you for an hour or two.

My family of origin did something a little like this, and my parents were
married at the time. They called it "adult time", in a stepfamily situation
"wind-down-time" may be a better nice neutral term :)

That way, you get daily time that you need (just not the whole evening, but that
won't happen for a long while with girls of those ages in any family ..),
everyone gets some space, and no one needs to change habits a whole lot. For
example, I don't know if it would work or not to get the homebody teen to not be
a homebody. No one has to change their actual bedtime either.

Banty

From: Banty on 8 Dec 2005 13:16
In article <43987550.40101(a)aol.com>, Tracey says...
>
>
>
>lioness wrote:
> > I guess what frustrates me the most is I appear
>> to be the only one striving for the solution. My husband feels it's
>> just a busy time in our lives and we'll get through it.
>
>I think there's one type of couple that makes it through busy times
>like you've described and that's the type of couple where *both*
>are totally on board with the view of 'The kids are only here for
>a short time, we have the rest of our lives to be together.' Since
>you're here, you're obviously not of that view. There's nothing
>bad about that, I'm of that opinion myself. I'm NOT a person who
>can sacrifice for months and years at a time and be content that,
>someday, I'll be able to spend more time with my husband or be
>able to take that trip around the world or whatever the sacrifice
>du jour is. I want to be happy and content *now* and if that means
>that our weekly pizza-and-wings night means that we have to save
>for a year versus 10 months to take a trip, then so be it.
>

Possibly (maybe or maybe not), if she were raising the kids within her first
marriage, she would actually have taken the "time for us later" view. It may be
simply that her path to this point is different from that.

>I think you can find lots of marriages that have broken up after
>the kids are all grown and out of the house because the focus has
>been solely on the kids and their activities and the relationship
>between the parents has taken a back seat to the point that one
>parent is and has been resentful of that fact. And by the time
>the kids are out of the house, it's too late. The resentment runs
>too deep.
>

Possibly. If so, she may be in a *better* position than those marriages since
she's so motivated to work on keeping the marriage needs worked on. Because
it's a new marriage. With the perspective that first marriages often get
swamped at this point too, and it's not all a stepfamily issue.

Banty

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