some things about grief
in [Grief]
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From: hppy heart on 28 Jul 2008 00:28 Some things about grief... is that it comes when it wants to, as if it was an invited and honored guest. It's entrance is like a haughty debutante. is that it comes like a sneak thief without warning to take what it pleases. It has had it's sites on us and we can't always do anything to stop it. is that it usually is about death, but that it also is about so many other things. A loss is a loss and non-death losses can be life altering and recycle themselves over and over. They don't diminish anyone elses death losses. is that the loss of other things (not material things), especially when compounded by a death don't really make us hurt worse but rather interfere with the other grief and makes it harder to live or survive with. is that grief has the strongest memory. The losses I've had have all hurt, with some still hurting in ways too numerous to number. Two in particular, which are related in ways odd to others, but important to me have been the worst for me. They took place 20 years apart and each can at times make me as emotional as the day they ocurred. The more recent one, almost 6 years ago ocurred on the heels of 3 other deaths in the same year and also had other grief issues tied to it which felt as profound as death for me. The amount of pain sometimes seems so unbearable yet I survive it. I don't understand it, yet on another level I do. Many things dredge up that which has sunk to the depths of grief, words or behaviors of others, certain dates, news stories, a sound, a song... and the pain feels fresh all over again. For me one of the recent things has been a "friend" whose daughter died. She and her husband have avoided talking to me or really anyone else from what I've heard. My condolence card was left unopened and unread, my emails have been ignored. After months of this I don't know what to think about our old "friendship" but the worst part is that it has dredged up and added to the pain. Here is not one, but two losses... one from death, one not, but very painful. I know its selfish... but none the less painful. I've tried to be patient, but have worried about the well-being of someone I called a friend who seems unable to even acknowledge her grief by not acknowledging her "friends" who would dearly love to support her in anyway she asks. If she doesn't want to talk about her daughter, fine... thats in her own time. Some of my grief has stayed with me because people -didn't- want to talk about who I lost. I don't know what to think, or do, or feel - anything but hurt, and sometimes anger. I am not asking for advice.... just venting how I feel about all this crazy pain. It's the only way I have to deal with it. As has been said before on this board.... people sometimes just don't know what to say.
From: NotYet1121 on 28 Jul 2008 04:11 On Jul 27, 11:28 pm, hppyhe...(a)webtv.net (hppy heart) wrote: > Some things about grief... > > is that it comes when it wants to, as if it was an invited and honored > guest. It's entrance is like a haughty debutante. > > is that it comes like a sneak thief without warning to take what it > pleases. It has had it's sites on us and we can't always do anything to > stop it. > > is that it usually is about death, but that it also is about so many > other things. A loss is a loss and non-death losses can be life > altering and recycle themselves over and over. They don't diminish > anyone elses death losses. > > is that the loss of other things (not material things), especially when > compounded by a death don't really make us hurt worse but rather > interfere with the other grief and makes it harder to live or survive > with. > > is that grief has the strongest memory. > > The losses I've had have all hurt, with some still hurting in ways too > numerous to number. Two in particular, which are related in ways odd to > others, but important to me have been the worst for me. They took place > 20 years apart and each can at times make me as emotional as the day > they ocurred. The more recent one, almost 6 years ago ocurred on the > heels of 3 other deaths in the same year and also had other grief issues > tied to it which felt as profound as death for me. The amount of pain > sometimes seems so unbearable yet I survive it. I don't understand it, > yet on another level I do. > > Many things dredge up that which has sunk to the depths of grief, words > or behaviors of others, certain dates, news stories, a sound, a song... > and the pain feels fresh all over again. For me one of the recent > things has been a "friend" whose daughter died. She and her husband > have avoided talking to me or really anyone else from what I've heard. > My condolence card was left unopened and unread, my emails have been > ignored. After months of this I don't know what to think about our old > "friendship" but the worst part is that it has dredged up and added to > the pain. Here is not one, but two losses... one from death, one not, > but very painful. I know its selfish... but none the less painful. > > I've tried to be patient, but have worried about the well-being of > someone I called a friend who seems unable to even acknowledge her grief > by not acknowledging her "friends" who would dearly love to support her > in anyway she asks. If she doesn't want to talk about her daughter, > fine... thats in her own time. Some of my grief has stayed with me > because people -didn't- want to talk about who I lost. > > I don't know what to think, or do, or feel - anything but hurt, and > sometimes anger. > > I am not asking for advice.... just venting how I feel about all this > crazy pain. It's the only way I have to deal with it. As has been said > before on this board.... people sometimes just don't know what to say. Happy Heart: I know you did NOT ask for comments - However - I can not NOT talk to you about this. You are correct in speaking about grief. It can be over the death of someone or even a divorce or ending a relationship. We all will go through pain. We will often feel so hurt and yes selfish because we are hurt and want to be acknowledged - whether we are the one who lost someone we loved or we are truly to support our friend with a loss. Here is what I need to truly explain to YOU! I do not mean you any disrespect and do not also want to offend you. However - I must say this. First let me ask you - In your grief and the loved ones you have lost to death in your life - were they your child? There is no pain or grief ever compared to the horrific devastation of having your child die! Saying this does not mean it won't tear you apart when you lose your parents, grandparents, siblings, husband, best friend. I do not minimize the pain! I promise. My oldest son died Thanksgiving 2005. My Daddy died in 2002, my sister died many years ago, my grandparents have all died, I have lost a number of very close friends to car wrecks, cancer, etc. All of these hurt me so, I wanted them all back because I loved them all so much. I must tell you NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD COMPARES TO YOUR CHILD DYING. It is not that you are in shock for a while, grieve for a while or ever ever "get over it". It is unlike any grief ever. As a parent - we want to protect our children from pain, illness, death everything in the world. Age doesn't matter. If you lose your child at 6 years old or 15 years old or as I did, my son was 27 years old - we are and will always be the parent of our child. Death will never change that. You say your friend won't talk to you or anyone. Well that does sound very normal. Our grief is unique to each one of us. However it is very normal for a parent to withdraw and isolate themselves. They are hurting beyond belief - many many parents feel after their child dies from any cause and severe longing and needing to be with our child. Some can not handle the pain from continuing to live without their child on this Earth and actually kill themselves. All of us believe our children still need us more than ever and feel like we need to be with them - even though we don't actually want to die. The need to be with them is very very strong, sometimes for months, years or more. When our child dies - our entire belief system has died. Yes we grieve our child - but when our child died - literally part of us died with them. I can honestly tell you that we will Never ever be even close to being the person we were prior to our childs death. However - eventually - a really long time - we can have a new normal and be a new person - always missing our child and grieving until we die ourselves for our child. Your friend could be in such need of you to show up and just give her a hug and listen. Do not expect her to be able to call you, e-mail you, ask for help from you - no. If you truly care about your friend - just be there for her. Call her - ask her to join you for lunch or whatever. She will probably say no - most likely because she can not stop sobbing and doesn't know which end is up. She is in shock for almost certain for at least a year. Yes you can be in shock and still be in horrible pain. The second year - the shock wears off and the degree of pain is even worse. Your friend may duck your calls and let voice mail answer many times. You may ask her to get together many times and the answer no. AS her friend - keep trying. If you are really close to her - go to her. Don't ask if you can come over - she will say no. Go to her - when she opens her door - walk in there and hug her. Tell her you are there for her and listen. SO often after the funeral - everyone disappears. Her actions HAVE NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD TO DO WITH YOU! Know this. Get over your hurt feelings and understand that she needs you now more than ever. When she talks - just listen. She most likely doesn't want you to try to find a solution or give your opinion. She will need to just have you listen, try to understand her words and give her a big hug. She is truly dying inside. Daniel has a e-mail that explains the things you can do and shouldn't do for a grieving person. Yes Daniel lost his Mother and it is a great loss to him and he still grieves for her. (Daniel - you understand I am NOT saying that your pain is less than my pain or anyones pain is less or more. But I also know that you truly understand that when your child dies - it is completely a different grief and pain) Could you re- post your e-mail about the do's and don't's of the ones grieving? It is just so good. Lynn - Josh's Mom for ETERNITY LOVE IS STRONGER THAN DEATH!
From: Daisy on 28 Jul 2008 19:12 "NotYet1121" <NotYet1121(a)gmail.com> wrote in message news:a71c40bc-e0ac-4a88-89d8-a067b7d3c12d(a)x35g2000hsb.googlegroups.com... > On Jul 27, 11:28 pm, hppyhe...(a)webtv.net (hppy heart) wrote: >> Some things about grief... >> >> is that it comes when it wants to, as if it was an invited and honored >> guest. It's entrance is like a haughty debutante. >> >> is that it comes like a sneak thief without warning to take what it >> pleases. It has had it's sites on us and we can't always do anything to >> stop it. >> >> is that it usually is about death, but that it also is about so many >> other things. A loss is a loss and non-death losses can be life >> altering and recycle themselves over and over. They don't diminish >> anyone elses death losses. >> >> is that the loss of other things (not material things), especially when >> compounded by a death don't really make us hurt worse but rather >> interfere with the other grief and makes it harder to live or survive >> with. >> >> is that grief has the strongest memory. >> >> The losses I've had have all hurt, with some still hurting in ways too >> numerous to number. Two in particular, which are related in ways odd to >> others, but important to me have been the worst for me. They took place >> 20 years apart and each can at times make me as emotional as the day >> they ocurred. The more recent one, almost 6 years ago ocurred on the >> heels of 3 other deaths in the same year and also had other grief issues >> tied to it which felt as profound as death for me. The amount of pain >> sometimes seems so unbearable yet I survive it. I don't understand it, >> yet on another level I do. >> >> Many things dredge up that which has sunk to the depths of grief, words >> or behaviors of others, certain dates, news stories, a sound, a song... >> and the pain feels fresh all over again. For me one of the recent >> things has been a "friend" whose daughter died. She and her husband >> have avoided talking to me or really anyone else from what I've heard. >> My condolence card was left unopened and unread, my emails have been >> ignored. After months of this I don't know what to think about our old >> "friendship" but the worst part is that it has dredged up and added to >> the pain. Here is not one, but two losses... one from death, one not, >> but very painful. I know its selfish... but none the less painful. >> >> I've tried to be patient, but have worried about the well-being of >> someone I called a friend who seems unable to even acknowledge her grief >> by not acknowledging her "friends" who would dearly love to support her >> in anyway she asks. If she doesn't want to talk about her daughter, >> fine... thats in her own time. Some of my grief has stayed with me >> because people -didn't- want to talk about who I lost. >> >> I don't know what to think, or do, or feel - anything but hurt, and >> sometimes anger. >> >> I am not asking for advice.... just venting how I feel about all this >> crazy pain. It's the only way I have to deal with it. As has been said >> before on this board.... people sometimes just don't know what to say. > > Happy Heart: > > I know you did NOT ask for comments - However - I can not NOT talk to > you about this. You are correct in speaking about grief. It can be > over the death of someone or even a divorce or ending a relationship. > We all will go through pain. We will often feel so hurt and yes > selfish because we are hurt and want to be acknowledged - whether we > are the one who lost someone we loved or we are truly to support our > friend with a loss. > > Here is what I need to truly explain to YOU! I do not mean you any > disrespect and do not also want to offend you. However - I must say > this. First let me ask you - In your grief and the loved ones you have > lost to death in your life - were they your child? There is no pain or > grief ever compared to the horrific devastation of having your child > die! Saying this does not mean it won't tear you apart when you lose > your parents, grandparents, siblings, husband, best friend. I do not > minimize the pain! I promise. Losing a child is devastating, but losing any other person that we have loved is just as devastating, IT'S JUST DIFFERENT. If grief were the same everytime we lost that what would that make is? It would make us clones to grief, when we lose our children we lose our future, when we lose our parents we lose our past and those losses are all different just as we are all different. But to say there is no grief in comparison to losing a child is not correct, it's horrible, having been there however, we just can't compare others grief to our own for what they are feeling may not be what we are feeling. I remember a young lady coming to this group many years ago "Jessie" was her name and she had just lost one of her ovaries. Having just lost my child I felt this was unacceptable to come into a grief group and agonize over losing an ovary. But after many heated discussions I apologized to her because I understood that she was grieving and I was comparing her grief to my grief. I should of sympathized with her more because I too went through the same thing of losing an ovary but I didn't grieve over the aspect as she did. > > My oldest son died Thanksgiving 2005. My Daddy died in 2002, my sister > died many years ago, my grandparents have all died, I have lost a > number of very close friends to car wrecks, cancer, etc. All of these > hurt me so, I wanted them all back because I loved them all so much. I > must tell you NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD COMPARES TO YOUR CHILD > DYING. I understand what you are saying, I too have lost both my parents, my siblings, friends, etc......yet all these deaths did compare in my book, they were just "different" comparisons. Each of these griefs were unique in their own way because we as humans form a different unique relationship with everyone we have ever known or loved in our lives. >It is not that you are in shock for a while, grieve for a while > or ever ever "get over it". It is unlike any grief ever. As a parent - > we want to protect our children from pain, illness, death everything > in the world. Age doesn't matter. If you lose your child at 6 years > old or 15 years old or as I did, my son was 27 years old - we are and > will always be the parent of our child. Death will never change that. Death will never change any memories we have of our loved ones, be them good or bad. I will still be my parents daughter, my sisters sister, my friends friend....and I miss them horribly however to compare their deaths to the death of my son I just cannot do because I formed a different relationship with them all. > > You say your friend won't talk to you or anyone. Well that does sound > very normal. Our grief is unique to each one of us. However it is very > normal for a parent to withdraw and isolate themselves. They are > hurting beyond belief - many many parents feel after their child dies > from any cause and severe longing and needing to be with our child. > Some can not handle the pain from continuing to live without their > child on this Earth and actually kill themselves. All of us believe > our children still need us more than ever and feel like we need to be > with them - even though we don't actually want to die. The need to be > with them is very very strong, sometimes for months, years or more. > When our child dies - our entire belief system has died. Yes we grieve > our child - but when our child died - literally part of us died with > them. I can honestly tell you that we will Never ever be even close to > being the person we were prior to our childs death. However - > eventually - a really long time - we can have a new normal and be a > new person - always missing our child and grieving until we die > ourselves for our child. Your friend could be in such need of you to > show up and just give her a hug and listen. Do not expect her to be > able to call you, e-mail you, ask for help from you - no. If you truly > care about your friend - just be there for her. Call her - ask her to > join you for lunch or whatever. She will probably say no - most likely > because she can not stop sobbing and doesn't know which end is up. She > is in shock for almost certain for at least a year. Yes you can be in > shock and still be in horrible pain. The second year - the shock wears > off and the degree of pain is even worse. Your friend may duck your > calls and let voice mail answer many times. You may ask her to get > together many times and the answer no. AS her friend - keep trying. If > you are really close to her - go to her. Don't ask if you can come > over - she will say no. Go to her - when she opens her door - walk in > there and hug her. Tell her you are there for her and listen. SO often > after the funeral - everyone disappears. Her actions HAVE NOTHING IN > THE ENTIRE WORLD TO DO WITH YOU! Know this. Get over your hurt > feelings and understand that she needs you now more than ever. When > she talks - just listen. She most likely doesn't want you to try to > find a solution or give your opinion. She will need to just have you > listen, try to understand her words and give her a big hug. She is > truly dying inside. Now this is some good avdive, I hope the person takes it to heart. Isolating ones self after any death is very natural and normal in every way. For years I did not feel comfortable sharing Buster with anyone, yet after finding this newsgroup I did and I'm so ever grateful that I chose to do that. To share with someone that is going through the pain and anguish that I was/am. Daisy
From: Daisy on 28 Jul 2008 19:14 Friendship can suffer after the loss of someone. I went through that when my son died, lost my best friend, lots of other friends because they just didn't know what to say or feel around me. A few stuck around and I found new friendships (both here and in person) that have sustained me through the entire ordeal. Just let her know that you haven't given up on her and that you will be there when she needs you, I'm telling you, just knowing that makes alot of difference. -- Daisy "hppy heart" <hppyheart(a)webtv.net> wrote in message news:5629-488D4AF0-1696(a)storefull-3312.bay.webtv.net... > Some things about grief... > > is that it comes when it wants to, as if it was an invited and honored > guest. It's entrance is like a haughty debutante. > > is that it comes like a sneak thief without warning to take what it > pleases. It has had it's sites on us and we can't always do anything to > stop it. > > is that it usually is about death, but that it also is about so many > other things. A loss is a loss and non-death losses can be life > altering and recycle themselves over and over. They don't diminish > anyone elses death losses. > > is that the loss of other things (not material things), especially when > compounded by a death don't really make us hurt worse but rather > interfere with the other grief and makes it harder to live or survive > with. > > is that grief has the strongest memory. > > The losses I've had have all hurt, with some still hurting in ways too > numerous to number. Two in particular, which are related in ways odd to > others, but important to me have been the worst for me. They took place > 20 years apart and each can at times make me as emotional as the day > they ocurred. The more recent one, almost 6 years ago ocurred on the > heels of 3 other deaths in the same year and also had other grief issues > tied to it which felt as profound as death for me. The amount of pain > sometimes seems so unbearable yet I survive it. I don't understand it, > yet on another level I do. > > Many things dredge up that which has sunk to the depths of grief, words > or behaviors of others, certain dates, news stories, a sound, a song... > and the pain feels fresh all over again. For me one of the recent > things has been a "friend" whose daughter died. She and her husband > have avoided talking to me or really anyone else from what I've heard. > My condolence card was left unopened and unread, my emails have been > ignored. After months of this I don't know what to think about our old > "friendship" but the worst part is that it has dredged up and added to > the pain. Here is not one, but two losses... one from death, one not, > but very painful. I know its selfish... but none the less painful. > > I've tried to be patient, but have worried about the well-being of > someone I called a friend who seems unable to even acknowledge her grief > by not acknowledging her "friends" who would dearly love to support her > in anyway she asks. If she doesn't want to talk about her daughter, > fine... thats in her own time. Some of my grief has stayed with me > because people -didn't- want to talk about who I lost. > > I don't know what to think, or do, or feel - anything but hurt, and > sometimes anger. > > I am not asking for advice.... just venting how I feel about all this > crazy pain. It's the only way I have to deal with it. As has been said > before on this board.... people sometimes just don't know what to say. >
From: Daisy on 28 Jul 2008 19:18
oops replied to you Lynn, met it to be replied to happy heart....my bad -- Daisy "Daisy" <sweetdaisy67357(a)yahoo.com> wrote in message news:2cae4$488e524b$d066ea5e$28219(a)FUSE.NET... > > > > "NotYet1121" <NotYet1121(a)gmail.com> wrote in message > news:a71c40bc-e0ac-4a88-89d8-a067b7d3c12d(a)x35g2000hsb.googlegroups.com... >> On Jul 27, 11:28 pm, hppyhe...(a)webtv.net (hppy heart) wrote: >>> Some things about grief... >>> >>> is that it comes when it wants to, as if it was an invited and honored >>> guest. It's entrance is like a haughty debutante. >>> >>> is that it comes like a sneak thief without warning to take what it >>> pleases. It has had it's sites on us and we can't always do anything to >>> stop it. >>> >>> is that it usually is about death, but that it also is about so many >>> other things. A loss is a loss and non-death losses can be life >>> altering and recycle themselves over and over. They don't diminish >>> anyone elses death losses. >>> >>> is that the loss of other things (not material things), especially when >>> compounded by a death don't really make us hurt worse but rather >>> interfere with the other grief and makes it harder to live or survive >>> with. >>> >>> is that grief has the strongest memory. >>> >>> The losses I've had have all hurt, with some still hurting in ways too >>> numerous to number. Two in particular, which are related in ways odd to >>> others, but important to me have been the worst for me. They took place >>> 20 years apart and each can at times make me as emotional as the day >>> they ocurred. The more recent one, almost 6 years ago ocurred on the >>> heels of 3 other deaths in the same year and also had other grief issues >>> tied to it which felt as profound as death for me. The amount of pain >>> sometimes seems so unbearable yet I survive it. I don't understand it, >>> yet on another level I do. >>> >>> Many things dredge up that which has sunk to the depths of grief, words >>> or behaviors of others, certain dates, news stories, a sound, a song... >>> and the pain feels fresh all over again. For me one of the recent >>> things has been a "friend" whose daughter died. She and her husband >>> have avoided talking to me or really anyone else from what I've heard. >>> My condolence card was left unopened and unread, my emails have been >>> ignored. After months of this I don't know what to think about our old >>> "friendship" but the worst part is that it has dredged up and added to >>> the pain. Here is not one, but two losses... one from death, one not, >>> but very painful. I know its selfish... but none the less painful. >>> >>> I've tried to be patient, but have worried about the well-being of >>> someone I called a friend who seems unable to even acknowledge her grief >>> by not acknowledging her "friends" who would dearly love to support her >>> in anyway she asks. If she doesn't want to talk about her daughter, >>> fine... thats in her own time. Some of my grief has stayed with me >>> because people -didn't- want to talk about who I lost. >>> >>> I don't know what to think, or do, or feel - anything but hurt, and >>> sometimes anger. >>> >>> I am not asking for advice.... just venting how I feel about all this >>> crazy pain. It's the only way I have to deal with it. As has been said >>> before on this board.... people sometimes just don't know what to say. >> >> Happy Heart: >> >> I know you did NOT ask for comments - However - I can not NOT talk to >> you about this. You are correct in speaking about grief. It can be >> over the death of someone or even a divorce or ending a relationship. >> We all will go through pain. We will often feel so hurt and yes >> selfish because we are hurt and want to be acknowledged - whether we >> are the one who lost someone we loved or we are truly to support our >> friend with a loss. >> >> Here is what I need to truly explain to YOU! I do not mean you any >> disrespect and do not also want to offend you. However - I must say >> this. First let me ask you - In your grief and the loved ones you have >> lost to death in your life - were they your child? There is no pain or >> grief ever compared to the horrific devastation of having your child >> die! Saying this does not mean it won't tear you apart when you lose >> your parents, grandparents, siblings, husband, best friend. I do not >> minimize the pain! I promise. > > Losing a child is devastating, but losing any other person that we have > loved is just as devastating, IT'S JUST DIFFERENT. If grief were the same > everytime we lost that what would that make is? It would make us clones > to grief, when we lose our children we lose our future, when we lose our > parents we lose our past and those losses are all different just as we are > all different. But to say there is no grief in comparison to losing a > child is not correct, it's horrible, having been there however, we just > can't compare others grief to our own for what they are feeling may not be > what we are feeling. I remember a young lady coming to this group many > years ago "Jessie" was her name and she had just lost one of her ovaries. > Having just lost my child I felt this was unacceptable to come into a > grief group and agonize over losing an ovary. But after many heated > discussions I apologized to her because I understood that she was grieving > and I was comparing her grief to my grief. I should of sympathized with > her more because I too went through the same thing of losing an ovary but > I didn't grieve over the aspect as she did. > >> >> My oldest son died Thanksgiving 2005. My Daddy died in 2002, my sister >> died many years ago, my grandparents have all died, I have lost a >> number of very close friends to car wrecks, cancer, etc. All of these >> hurt me so, I wanted them all back because I loved them all so much. I >> must tell you NOTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD COMPARES TO YOUR CHILD >> DYING. > > I understand what you are saying, I too have lost both my parents, my > siblings, friends, etc......yet all these deaths did compare in my book, > they were just "different" comparisons. Each of these griefs were unique > in their own way because we as humans form a different unique relationship > with everyone we have ever known or loved in our lives. > > > >It is not that you are in shock for a while, grieve for a while >> or ever ever "get over it". It is unlike any grief ever. As a parent - >> we want to protect our children from pain, illness, death everything >> in the world. Age doesn't matter. If you lose your child at 6 years >> old or 15 years old or as I did, my son was 27 years old - we are and >> will always be the parent of our child. Death will never change that. > > Death will never change any memories we have of our loved ones, be them > good or bad. I will still be my parents daughter, my sisters sister, my > friends friend....and I miss them horribly however to compare their deaths > to the death of my son I just cannot do because I formed a different > relationship with them all. > >> >> You say your friend won't talk to you or anyone. Well that does sound >> very normal. Our grief is unique to each one of us. However it is very >> normal for a parent to withdraw and isolate themselves. They are >> hurting beyond belief - many many parents feel after their child dies >> from any cause and severe longing and needing to be with our child. >> Some can not handle the pain from continuing to live without their >> child on this Earth and actually kill themselves. All of us believe >> our children still need us more than ever and feel like we need to be >> with them - even though we don't actually want to die. The need to be >> with them is very very strong, sometimes for months, years or more. >> When our child dies - our entire belief system has died. Yes we grieve >> our child - but when our child died - literally part of us died with >> them. I can honestly tell you that we will Never ever be even close to >> being the person we were prior to our childs death. However - >> eventually - a really long time - we can have a new normal and be a >> new person - always missing our child and grieving until we die >> ourselves for our child. Your friend could be in such need of you to >> show up and just give her a hug and listen. Do not expect her to be >> able to call you, e-mail you, ask for help from you - no. If you truly >> care about your friend - just be there for her. Call her - ask her to >> join you for lunch or whatever. She will probably say no - most likely >> because she can not stop sobbing and doesn't know which end is up. She >> is in shock for almost certain for at least a year. Yes you can be in >> shock and still be in horrible pain. The second year - the shock wears >> off and the degree of pain is even worse. Your friend may duck your >> calls and let voice mail answer many times. You may ask her to get >> together many times and the answer no. AS her friend - keep trying. If >> you are really close to her - go to her. Don't ask if you can come >> over - she will say no. Go to her - when she opens her door - walk in >> there and hug her. Tell her you are there for her and listen. SO often >> after the funeral - everyone disappears. Her actions HAVE NOTHING IN >> THE ENTIRE WORLD TO DO WITH YOU! Know this. Get over your hurt >> feelings and understand that she needs you now more than ever. When >> she talks - just listen. She most likely doesn't want you to try to >> find a solution or give your opinion. She will need to just have you >> listen, try to understand her words and give her a big hug. She is >> truly dying inside. > > Now this is some good avdive, I hope the person takes it to heart. > Isolating ones self after any death is very natural and normal in every > way. For years I did not feel comfortable sharing Buster with anyone, yet > after finding this newsgroup I did and I'm so ever grateful that I chose > to do that. To share with someone that is going through the pain and > anguish that I was/am. > > Daisy > > |