some things about grief
in [Grief]
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From: MelMenzies on 29 Jul 2008 04:53 Dear All, I'm very new to this group so I hope you won't mind my sharing some thoughts. I think we all agree that pain is the most terrible human affliction. It wraps itself around us like a sticky, nauseating syrup; pinning us down; blocking up the pores of rational thinking. We are unable quite unable to shake it off. It will not respond to any outward influence: we cannot wash it off in the cleansing water of a friends sympathy, nor scrub at it with the concern of a loved one. The abrasive nature of pulling ourselves together, of taking up life-as-it- once-was fails to erase its cloying effect. The weight of pain fastens us in its cruel embrace. It is our abductor, kidnapping us and holding us to ransom. Hungry and rapacious, it sucks the life from our veins. Like a butterfly trapped in a spiders web, we are helpless. The greater our struggle, the worse our entrapment. We are pains victim. Why, then, do we need to compare our pain with that of others? My pain is worse than yours. How can we know that? What difference does it make? If I can prove that the throbbing tenderness of my anguish is worse than the stinging soreness of yours what does it avail me? Does it lessen my pain? Does it soothe my hurt? Yet human behaviour is to lash out against pain. Watch any couple of children at play. If one is deprived of a toy (loss) what does that one do? Strikes out with a wild flailing of the arms, the legs. If the other child is hurt in the process, so much the better. Is this what we want for ourselves adults, mature beings who have the ability to understand? If were honest, yes! We want to revert to childhood. To a time when we were safe. To a place where others were responsible for our well- being. Where the expectation of our own response was limited. Somewhere where we were protected and loved by others. Absolved of adult accountability. All of this is pain. We bend forward into the foetal position. We hug ourselves for comfort. We close our eyes against the glaring reality of our situation. Against those who remain in this world. And who, by doing so, remind us of those who do not. We ask no demand to be taken seriously. Feel my pain, we scream. And in this, the person who wrote of giving a hug rather than words is right. No words can convey my understanding of your pain, nor you of mine. Human contact, the feel of my arms around you, and yours around me, takes us back to infancy, to the sense of security we once knew. But what is the point of all this suffering? C.S.Lewis, on the death of his beloved wife, wrote much the same thing in his book: The Problem of Pain. His conclusion was that there are answers we cannot know in this life, and questions we can barely begin to ask. But one thing is sure. Christs suffering as he hung on the cross made Lewiss pain bearable. He knew he was not alone. And isnt that the point for each one of us? That in reaching out to write to each other, we share our pain and that of others? And in doing so, we comfort others with the comfort that we, ourselves, have received? Lets not squabble about whose pain is worst. Let love be the balm that soothes us. And Gods love the ointment that heals. Mel Menzies: Author of: A Painful Post Mortem a contemporary story of loss and of love stretched to its limits. www.melmenzies.co.uk
From: Liliana on 29 Jul 2008 17:31 On Jul 28, 12:28 am, hppyhe...(a)webtv.net (hppy heart) wrote: > Some things about grief... > > is that it comes when it wants to, as if it was an invited and honored > guest. It's entrance is like a haughty debutante. > > is that it comes like a sneak thief without warning to take what it > pleases. It has had it's sites on us and we can't always do anything to > stop it. > > is that it usually is about death, but that it also is about so many > other things. A loss is a loss and non-death losses can be life > altering and recycle themselves over and over. They don't diminish > anyone elses death losses. > > is that the loss of other things (not material things), especially when > compounded by a death don't really make us hurt worse but rather > interfere with the other grief and makes it harder to live or survive > with. > > is that grief has the strongest memory. > > The losses I've had have all hurt, with some still hurting in ways too > numerous to number. Two in particular, which are related in ways odd to > others, but important to me have been the worst for me. They took place > 20 years apart and each can at times make me as emotional as the day > they ocurred. The more recent one, almost 6 years ago ocurred on the > heels of 3 other deaths in the same year and also had other grief issues > tied to it which felt as profound as death for me. The amount of pain > sometimes seems so unbearable yet I survive it. I don't understand it, > yet on another level I do. > > Many things dredge up that which has sunk to the depths of grief, words > or behaviors of others, certain dates, news stories, a sound, a song... > and the pain feels fresh all over again. For me one of the recent > things has been a "friend" whose daughter died. She and her husband > have avoided talking to me or really anyone else from what I've heard. > My condolence card was left unopened and unread, my emails have been > ignored. After months of this I don't know what to think about our old > "friendship" but the worst part is that it has dredged up and added to > the pain. Here is not one, but two losses... one from death, one not, > but very painful. I know its selfish... but none the less painful. > > I've tried to be patient, but have worried about the well-being of > someone I called a friend who seems unable to even acknowledge her grief > by not acknowledging her "friends" who would dearly love to support her > in anyway she asks. If she doesn't want to talk about her daughter, > fine... thats in her own time. Some of my grief has stayed with me > because people -didn't- want to talk about who I lost. > > I don't know what to think, or do, or feel - anything but hurt, and > sometimes anger. > > I am not asking for advice.... just venting how I feel about all this > crazy pain. It's the only way I have to deal with it. As has been said > before on this board.... people sometimes just don't know what to say. After the loss of my son I didn't want to see many of my friends. ONe friend came every day for a year during her lunch hour to simply sit with me. She was the only reason I even got up in the morning. Another friend compared her divorce, to me losing my son, and wrote me a note that said, Mary too lost a son. I didn't want to see her. I could go on. I have come to the conclusion that some people are just plain lucky, and go through life with minimal pain, and others get so much. What is that line by yeates...some are born to sweet delight.... others born to endless night.? All I know is that sharing our pain helps.
From: hunnix on 30 Jul 2008 00:29 we, the ones who are left without are loved ones cannot talk about pain. Yet we do? Surely, our pain cannot even compare with the pain suffered by the ones who have left us. I cannot imagine how painful it must have been for them, to accept death. Were they even given a choice? All this talk about heaven and God, is something that has grown off the human mind, only to soothe ourselves, to provide an answer to our failures. There is so much we could have done, but we didn't. All we do is keep hoping. But hope is not a plan, to quote Anderson Cooper. I have failed my mom, and this is my punishment. i am sorry if i have offended anyone, but i just feel we have no right to compare "our pain" to the pain felt by those who have left us. We have no ways to even imagine what they went through, they are where they our because of our "human error"
From: NotYet1121 on 30 Jul 2008 00:58 On Jul 27, 11:28 pm, hppyhe...(a)webtv.net (hppy heart) wrote: > Some things about grief... > > is that it comes when it wants to, as if it was an invited and honored > guest. It's entrance is like a haughty debutante. > > is that it comes like a sneak thief without warning to take what it > pleases. It has had it's sites on us and we can't always do anything to > stop it. > > is that it usually is about death, but that it also is about so many > other things. A loss is a loss and non-death losses can be life > altering and recycle themselves over and over. They don't diminish > anyone elses death losses. > > is that the loss of other things (not material things), especially when > compounded by a death don't really make us hurt worse but rather > interfere with the other grief and makes it harder to live or survive > with. > > is that grief has the strongest memory. > > The losses I've had have all hurt, with some still hurting in ways too > numerous to number. Two in particular, which are related in ways odd to > others, but important to me have been the worst for me. They took place > 20 years apart and each can at times make me as emotional as the day > they ocurred. The more recent one, almost 6 years ago ocurred on the > heels of 3 other deaths in the same year and also had other grief issues > tied to it which felt as profound as death for me. The amount of pain > sometimes seems so unbearable yet I survive it. I don't understand it, > yet on another level I do. > > Many things dredge up that which has sunk to the depths of grief, words > or behaviors of others, certain dates, news stories, a sound, a song... > and the pain feels fresh all over again. For me one of the recent > things has been a "friend" whose daughter died. She and her husband > have avoided talking to me or really anyone else from what I've heard. > My condolence card was left unopened and unread, my emails have been > ignored. After months of this I don't know what to think about our old > "friendship" but the worst part is that it has dredged up and added to > the pain. Here is not one, but two losses... one from death, one not, > but very painful. I know its selfish... but none the less painful. > > I've tried to be patient, but have worried about the well-being of > someone I called a friend who seems unable to even acknowledge her grief > by not acknowledging her "friends" who would dearly love to support her > in anyway she asks. If she doesn't want to talk about her daughter, > fine... thats in her own time. Some of my grief has stayed with me > because people -didn't- want to talk about who I lost. > > I don't know what to think, or do, or feel - anything but hurt, and > sometimes anger. > > I am not asking for advice.... just venting how I feel about all this > crazy pain. It's the only way I have to deal with it. As has been said > before on this board.... people sometimes just don't know what to say. To All: I agree that no one's pain is worse than anothers. I am sorry if I sounded that way. I just know that losing my son is the worst possible thing in the world and is unlike all the other real pain from losing other people I love. I do not mean to minimize anyone's grief. For truly each loss of someone that you love is unique and we all grieve differently and yet the same. Love is Stronger than Death! Josh's Mom
From: Daisy on 30 Jul 2008 07:16
You didn't offend anyone honey.....don't even think that way. When we grieve its hard to find the right words sometime. (((hugs))) Besides I've never known you to compare your grief to that of others. Where did you ever get that idea? -- Daisy "NotYet1121" <NotYet1121(a)gmail.com> wrote in message news:d124f44d-4b25-4d2f-b832-d3d905c7a77d(a)z72g2000hsb.googlegroups.com... > On Jul 27, 11:28 pm, hppyhe...(a)webtv.net (hppy heart) wrote: >> Some things about grief... >> >> is that it comes when it wants to, as if it was an invited and honored >> guest. It's entrance is like a haughty debutante. >> >> is that it comes like a sneak thief without warning to take what it >> pleases. It has had it's sites on us and we can't always do anything to >> stop it. >> >> is that it usually is about death, but that it also is about so many >> other things. A loss is a loss and non-death losses can be life >> altering and recycle themselves over and over. They don't diminish >> anyone elses death losses. >> >> is that the loss of other things (not material things), especially when >> compounded by a death don't really make us hurt worse but rather >> interfere with the other grief and makes it harder to live or survive >> with. >> >> is that grief has the strongest memory. >> >> The losses I've had have all hurt, with some still hurting in ways too >> numerous to number. Two in particular, which are related in ways odd to >> others, but important to me have been the worst for me. They took place >> 20 years apart and each can at times make me as emotional as the day >> they ocurred. The more recent one, almost 6 years ago ocurred on the >> heels of 3 other deaths in the same year and also had other grief issues >> tied to it which felt as profound as death for me. The amount of pain >> sometimes seems so unbearable yet I survive it. I don't understand it, >> yet on another level I do. >> >> Many things dredge up that which has sunk to the depths of grief, words >> or behaviors of others, certain dates, news stories, a sound, a song... >> and the pain feels fresh all over again. For me one of the recent >> things has been a "friend" whose daughter died. She and her husband >> have avoided talking to me or really anyone else from what I've heard. >> My condolence card was left unopened and unread, my emails have been >> ignored. After months of this I don't know what to think about our old >> "friendship" but the worst part is that it has dredged up and added to >> the pain. Here is not one, but two losses... one from death, one not, >> but very painful. I know its selfish... but none the less painful. >> >> I've tried to be patient, but have worried about the well-being of >> someone I called a friend who seems unable to even acknowledge her grief >> by not acknowledging her "friends" who would dearly love to support her >> in anyway she asks. If she doesn't want to talk about her daughter, >> fine... thats in her own time. Some of my grief has stayed with me >> because people -didn't- want to talk about who I lost. >> >> I don't know what to think, or do, or feel - anything but hurt, and >> sometimes anger. >> >> I am not asking for advice.... just venting how I feel about all this >> crazy pain. It's the only way I have to deal with it. As has been said >> before on this board.... people sometimes just don't know what to say. > > To All: > > I agree that no one's pain is worse than anothers. I am sorry if I > sounded that way. I just know that losing my son is the worst possible > thing in the world and is unlike all the other real pain from losing > other people I love. I do not mean to minimize anyone's grief. For > truly each loss of someone that you love is unique and we all grieve > differently and yet the same. Love is Stronger than Death! > > Josh's Mom |