self-observation, not much dignity, sort of pathetic
in [Marriage]
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From: mom0f4boys on 2 Aug 2008 02:20 "...have you told your husband about your new approach to life, love and communication with him? " Yes... and not as a gauntlet thrown down, as might be suspected. First, I was trying to change on my own, but as days passed - I did confess that I was 'trying'. It was sort of like this: "I don't know if you've noticed, but we haven't fought for a while, and I haven't said any bitchy things to you for a while. The last time we fought really sucked, and I want to take responsibility for my part. I go crazy with criticism and insults, and I tear you down, and I don't want to do that anymore. We barely even like each other, but this is our life... it can't stay like this. I have been horrible, taking out every frustration by being nasty to you. I'm not gonna do that anymore. I HATE being a baby, but I am gonna try to just be honest when I feel mad or whatever." He echoed my statement. A part of me feels dreadful.... to actually face the things that are wrong with us, and to take the chance of honestly seeing that maybe this marriage is massively flawed and needs to be scrapped. It's pretty hard to believe that he could really BE THERE to address the hard stuff.
From: Tai on 2 Aug 2008 02:40 mom0f4boys wrote: > "...have you told your husband about your new approach to life, love > and communication with him? " > > Yes... and not as a gauntlet thrown down, as might be suspected. > First, I was trying to change on my own, but as days passed - I did > confess that I was 'trying'. > It was sort of like this: "I don't know if you've noticed, but > we haven't > fought for a while, and I haven't said any bitchy things to you for a > while. > The last time we fought really sucked, and I want to take > responsibility > for my part. I go crazy with criticism and insults, and I tear you > down, > and I don't want to do that anymore. We barely even like each other, > but this is our life... it can't stay like this. I have been > horrible, taking > out every frustration by being nasty to you. I'm not gonna do that > anymore. I HATE being a baby, but I am gonna try to just be honest > when I feel mad or whatever." > He echoed my statement. > A part of me feels dreadful.... to actually face the things that > are wrong with us, > and to take the chance of honestly seeing that maybe this marriage is > massively flawed and needs to be scrapped. It's pretty hard to > believe that > he could really BE THERE to address the hard stuff. I really do hope it does work out well for you both. And, honestly, I can't see it being all that massively flawed if you two are able to show so much goodwill towards each other. ( Btw, is there a shorter name than"mom0f4boys" I could call you? I tried "Mob" but it didn't really feel good!) I am thinking our hearts and minds have to be committed to these kinds of changes and also there are stages that have to be worked through. You, as the instigator this time, are further along the process than your husband so you probably do need to be fairly patient while he catches up. At the moment he may be mainly enjoying his quieter life ;) and not thinking too much about what he could work on about himself.
From: Doug Freyburger on 2 Aug 2008 17:46
mom0f4boys <momsh...(a)msn.com> wrote: > > For years I have been masking my anger/hurt by sniping at him, > making cutting comments, criticizing EVERYTHING. If I think about > that long enough, it's no wonder that he just goes to the sink > and thinks about groceries. So you need to be patient. "Headed in the wrong direction? God allows U-turns", but there's still momentum to overcome. You have made that U-turn and now you are working on the momentum. > Honestly, my fear is this: What if he can't recognize me, meet > me, love me? What if all this trying only brings me his momentary > bemusement/indulgence.. but no real connection? > If I find that I am still all alone after a while, what then? A marketing logo that I once heard didn't make much sense as a marketing logo, but it sure makes sense in response to that - "All you can do is all you can do, but all you can do is *enough*." Something to ponder on - Consider what you mean by "real connection" then what he might mean by it. The two meanings will be quite different. Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus sort of stuff. |