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From: jesse higginbotham's mom on 5 Dec 2007 21:09
and even with grief counseling, alternative therapies, a wide circle
of friends, i am still feeling as though each day is a replay of the
day before. i lost my only son jesse higginbotham, 17 years old on
april 19th due to injuries sustained in an auto accident on his way to
school with friends. there were three other girls in the car. one was
injured but in that injury it was discovered that she had a brain
tumor. something that would not have been found "in time" had she not
been in this accident. she has recovered fully, the doctors removed
the tumor. the others had minor injuries. they are all okay.
i've read everything i can get my hands on. i've scoured the internet.
i go to compassionate friends meetings. i can't look at his pictures
without crying, i can't work and i can't function. i sleep in fits and
starts but always wake up feeling as though i've not slept at all. my
entire body hurts. i am alone and lonely as hell. jesse's dad and i
remained close after our divorce when jesse was five and he has been a
great support but even he told me this evening he is worried about me.
i don't feel i have a reason to live even though a trust has been
started, a memorial garden planted, scholarships and awards given in
his name.
i am stuck. i feel totally incapacitated. i wake up every morning
wondering how dare my body defy me by making me live.
i know others have felt this before me. i know others have been as
devastated. but i need something i am not getting because i can't find
a reason to continue. i am not suicidal but i do chant nightly "don't
let me wake up tomorrow".
oh please, if there is someone who knows something they can tell me.
something. anything. i am so lost. i have been strong and independent
my entire life. but now, almost eight months later, i am still a total
wreck.
jesse taught me technology. he was a beautiful geek. he was generous
with his gift not just with me but with everyone he met. some days i
think he brought me here because he hoped it would help me. i hope it
might.
<3
rebecca
From: daisy on 5 Dec 2007 22:40
jesse higginbotham's mom wrote:
> and even with grief counseling, alternative therapies, a wide circle
> of friends, i am still feeling as though each day is a replay of the
> day before. i lost my only son jesse higginbotham, 17 years old on
> april 19th due to injuries sustained in an auto accident on his way to
> school with friends. there were three other girls in the car. one was
> injured but in that injury it was discovered that she had a brain
> tumor. something that would not have been found "in time" had she not
> been in this accident. she has recovered fully, the doctors removed
> the tumor. the others had minor injuries. they are all okay.
> i've read everything i can get my hands on. i've scoured the internet.
> i go to compassionate friends meetings. i can't look at his pictures
> without crying, i can't work and i can't function. i sleep in fits and
> starts but always wake up feeling as though i've not slept at all. my
> entire body hurts. i am alone and lonely as hell. jesse's dad and i
> remained close after our divorce when jesse was five and he has been a
> great support but even he told me this evening he is worried about me.
> i don't feel i have a reason to live even though a trust has been
> started, a memorial garden planted, scholarships and awards given in
> his name.
> i am stuck. i feel totally incapacitated. i wake up every morning
> wondering how dare my body defy me by making me live.
> i know others have felt this before me. i know others have been as
> devastated. but i need something i am not getting because i can't find
> a reason to continue. i am not suicidal but i do chant nightly "don't
> let me wake up tomorrow".
> oh please, if there is someone who knows something they can tell me.
> something. anything. i am so lost. i have been strong and independent
> my entire life. but now, almost eight months later, i am still a total
> wreck.
> jesse taught me technology. he was a beautiful geek. he was generous
> with his gift not just with me but with everyone he met. some days i
> think he brought me here because he hoped it would help me. i hope it
> might.
> <3
> rebecca

The sad reality rebecca is that time is the only thing that will make
the days worth living for...I know it sounds slight, but I understand
where you are coming from for I too lost my son, 21 to a traffic
accident as you lost yours. It took me years before I felt somewhat
human again, but this group helped me immensely during that time,
sharing with others, crying with them, sometimes even laughing with
them, making lifetime friendships with them got me through my ordeal.
Please continue to post often, and if you like you may email me as well.
It's a hard journey to go down, but go down it we must. I'm so sorry
you lost your son, it hurts, and it hurts badly, but know we understand
and are hear to offer you that friendship, love and understanding.

Daisy
From: Crystal's mom on 6 Dec 2007 06:48
On Dec 5, 8:09 pm, "jesse higginbotham's mom" <rwoloch...(a)gmail.com>
wrote:
> and even with grief counseling, alternative therapies, a wide circle
> of friends, i am still feeling as though each day is a replay of the
> day before. i lost my only son jesse higginbotham, 17 years old on
> april 19th due to injuries sustained in an auto accident on his way to
> school with friends. there were three other girls in the car. one was
> injured but in that injury it was discovered that she had a brain
> tumor. something that would not have been found "in time" had she not
> been in this accident. she has recovered fully, the doctors removed
> the tumor. the others had minor injuries. they are all okay.
> i've read everything i can get my hands on. i've scoured the internet.
> i go to compassionate friends meetings. i can't look at his pictures
> without crying, i can't work and i can't function. i sleep in fits and
> starts but always wake up feeling as though i've not slept at all. my
> entire body hurts. i am alone and lonely as hell. jesse's dad and i
> remained close after our divorce when jesse was five and he has been a
> great support but even he told me this evening he is worried about me.
> i don't feel i have a reason to live even though a trust has been
> started, a memorial garden planted, scholarships and awards given in
> his name.
> i am stuck. i feel totally incapacitated. i wake up every morning
> wondering how dare my body defy me by making me live.
> i know others have felt this before me. i know others have been as
> devastated. but i need something i am not getting because i can't find
> a reason to continue. i am not suicidal but i do chant nightly "don't
> let me wake up tomorrow".
> oh please, if there is someone who knows something they can tell me.
> something. anything. i am so lost. i have been strong and independent
> my entire life. but now, almost eight months later, i am still a total
> wreck.
> jesse taught me technology. he was a beautiful geek. he was generous
> with his gift not just with me but with everyone he met. some days i
> think he brought me here because he hoped it would help me. i hope it
> might.
> <3
> rebecca

Rebecca, as Daisy said, You are NOT alone as long as you come
here. I too lost my daughter and her husband in a traffic wreck. I
can't say accident as this was a drunk driver that took them from me.
I just went thru the 5th anniversary of their death and burial....for
me, that day is soooo bad. I know the feelings very well that you
describe and I ask her every night to please let me join her. The
world is a little easier to cope with now, but I honestly wish my time
was up. I come here daily to read...I don't post a lot....somtimes I
cry, not for me, but as for this morning...for you. There is only one
thing that keeps me going each day, the knowledge that I WILL be with
Crystal again. I am not eloquent with words, but if you need a
shoulder,,,come cry on mine....lean on us when you need to.
I wish it were possibly to actually hug you in person, because you
need to be hugged and allowed the privilege of someone listening.
Amanda....Crystal's mom
From: jesse higginbotham's mom on 7 Dec 2007 00:49
On Dec 6, 6:48 am, "Crystal's mom" <faman...(a)sbcglobal.net> wrote:
> On Dec 5, 8:09 pm, "jesse higginbotham's mom" <rwoloch...(a)gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
>
>
> > and even with grief counseling, alternative therapies, a wide circle
> > of friends, i am still feeling as though each day is a replay of the
> > day before. i lost my only son jesse higginbotham, 17 years old on
> > april 19th due to injuries sustained in an auto accident on his way to
> > school with friends. there were three other girls in the car. one was
> > injured but in that injury it was discovered that she had a brain
> > tumor. something that would not have been found "in time" had she not
> > been in this accident. she has recovered fully, the doctors removed
> > the tumor. the others had minor injuries. they are all okay.
> > i've read everything i can get my hands on. i've scoured the internet.
> > i go to compassionate friends meetings. i can't look at his pictures
> > without crying, i can't work and i can't function. i sleep in fits and
> > starts but always wake up feeling as though i've not slept at all. my
> > entire body hurts. i am alone and lonely as hell. jesse's dad and i
> > remained close after our divorce when jesse was five and he has been a
> > great support but even he told me this evening he is worried about me.
> > i don't feel i have a reason to live even though a trust has been
> > started, a memorial garden planted, scholarships and awards given in
> > his name.
> > i am stuck. i feel totally incapacitated. i wake up every morning
> > wondering how dare my body defy me by making me live.
> > i know others have felt this before me. i know others have been as
> > devastated. but i need something i am not getting because i can't find
> > a reason to continue. i am not suicidal but i do chant nightly "don't
> > let me wake up tomorrow".
> > oh please, if there is someone who knows something they can tell me.
> > something. anything. i am so lost. i have been strong and independent
> > my entire life. but now, almost eight months later, i am still a total
> > wreck.
> > jesse taught me technology. he was a beautiful geek. he was generous
> > with his gift not just with me but with everyone he met. some days i
> > think he brought me here because he hoped it would help me. i hope it
> > might.
> > <3
> > rebecca
>
> Rebecca, as Daisy said, You are NOT alone as long as you come
> here. I too lost my daughter and her husband in a traffic wreck. I
> can't say accident as this was a drunk driver that took them from me.
> I just went thru the 5th anniversary of their death and burial....for
> me, that day is soooo bad. I know the feelings very well that you
> describe and I ask her every night to please let me join her. The
> world is a little easier to cope with now, but I honestly wish my time
> was up. I come here daily to read...I don't post a lot....somtimes I
> cry, not for me, but as for this morning...for you. There is only one
> thing that keeps me going each day, the knowledge that I WILL be with
> Crystal again. I am not eloquent with words, but if you need a
> shoulder,,,come cry on mine....lean on us when you need to.
> I wish it were possibly to actually hug you in person, because you
> need to be hugged and allowed the privilege of someone listening.
> Amanda....Crystal's mom

i was reading elizabeth edwards book "saving graces" and she spoke of
this place as one to come, to write, to join, to heal? and i am
thankful that i doggeared the pages in her book so i would find myself
among you all. i am crying on all of your shoulders.
i need to know, how do you get to the place at which you are certain
you will see your beloved children again? i can't get there - jesse's
father, my ex-husband, whom i remain close to has no doubt that we
will see him again, but i worry i am not good enough. he said it might
be fleeting, we might not have an eternity with him. i NEED an
eternity with jesse.
how?
help?
love and tears,
rebecca
From: Liliana on 7 Dec 2007 00:57
On Dec 5, 9:09 pm, "jesse higginbotham's mom" <rwoloch...(a)gmail.com>
wrote:
> and even with grief counseling, alternative therapies, a wide circle
> of friends, i am still feeling as though each day is a replay of the
> day before. i lost my only son jesse higginbotham, 17 years old on
> april 19th due to injuries sustained in an auto accident on his way to
> school with friends. there were three other girls in the car. one was
> injured but in that injury it was discovered that she had a brain
> tumor. something that would not have been found "in time" had she not
> been in this accident. she has recovered fully, the doctors removed
> the tumor. the others had minor injuries. they are all okay.
> i've read everything i can get my hands on. i've scoured the internet.
> i go to compassionate friends meetings. i can't look at his pictures
> without crying, i can't work and i can't function. i sleep in fits and
> starts but always wake up feeling as though i've not slept at all. my
> entire body hurts. i am alone and lonely as hell. jesse's dad and i
> remained close after our divorce when jesse was five and he has been a
> great support but even he told me this evening he is worried about me.
> i don't feel i have a reason to live even though a trust has been
> started, a memorial garden planted, scholarships and awards given in
> his name.
> i am stuck. i feel totally incapacitated. i wake up every morning
> wondering how dare my body defy me by making me live.
> i know others have felt this before me. i know others have been as
> devastated. but i need something i am not getting because i can't find
> a reason to continue. i am not suicidal but i do chant nightly "don't
> let me wake up tomorrow".
> oh please, if there is someone who knows something they can tell me.
> something. anything. i am so lost. i have been strong and independent
> my entire life. but now, almost eight months later, i am still a total
>
wreck.
> jesse taught me technology. he was a beautiful geek. he was generous
> with his gift not just with me but with everyone he met. some days i
> think he brought me here because he hoped it would help me. i hope it
> might.
> <3
> rebecca

Dear Rebecca,
I am so sorry about Jesse. I lost my son James to a car accident 9
years ago, and I understand completely how you are feeling. You are so
very early in your grief, although I know each day seems a torture and
you don't know how you can keep going. It is a cliche and may sound
trite.... but it is truly "one day at a time|.
This grief is a roller coaster ride, and sometimes all we can do is
hold on with all our might. Yes, it hurts more than we thought
anything could hurt, Please try to get help to handle the pain. I
went to a therapist for many years, was on medication, counted on my
friends, and continue to join support groups and not isolate myself.
You are not alone Rebecca, although your pain must feel very lonely.
Hang on,stay close to friends, try to talk to other bereaved parents
face to face also if you can.
Liliana
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