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From: dlaminidrifter on 28 Jul 2008 14:40
I was hoping some wise people could help here with an issue I have.
Here is the issue, firstly some history then my question.

I separated from my wife 3 years ago.She lives in BC. I am in a new
relationship and we live together in Alberta. We have two daughters
together both are now young adults (in their 20s). My youngest
daughter lives at home with her mother. My eldest daughter is out on
her own. We are now legally separated but the divorce is not finalized
although it will be in a couple of months.

As I suppose should be expected there is a lot of antagonism between
my ex and my current partner. They have never met, spoken or
communicated directly with each other in any way and never will. My ex
blames my current partner for the breakup of the marriage and has a
lot of anger. From my perspective there were other issues that caused
the breakup and my current partner was a symptom of deeper problems
rather than the cause. The divorce process has not been painless, but
could have been a lot worse. My current partner believes that my ex
has been emotionally manipulative over me during the process and has a
strong distrust of her motives. I am on good terms with both of my
daughters and have regular phone conversations with them. I have
minimal communication with my ex.

Now the issue.

Because of the distance we are separated it is difficult to get an
opportunity to see my daughters. In the last couple of years I have
seen them twice, once when I went to Vancouver (without my current
partner) and once when I flew them out to visit me (where they met my
current partner). They both seemed to get on fine with her and accept
her in my life. It is difficult because of work schedules to be able
to get both my daughters to be able to visit at the same time so it
would be nice to be able to take a long weekend to escape to Vancouver
to visit them both there. The problem is that my ex has told my
daughter that she would be “very upset” if I came to Vancouver with my
current partner. My current partner is not happy about me going to
Vancouver without her especially if it involved seeing my ex. When I
did it the first time she coped very badly with it emotionally (it was
done with her reluctant agreement at the time).

My views are mixed. I personally believe that just because you are
divorced from someone it does not necessarily mean that you should
eliminate them from your life especially if you have kids together. I
would have no problem visiting the ex with my daughters if I was there
on my own if my current partner was happy with it. On the other hand I
understand that she is not and therefore I won’t, especially after her
reaction the first time. My ex and my daughters don’t seem to
understand this however, they do not understand why my partner should
feel the way she does, and I the message I am getting from my
daughter is that they see that I am being “controlled” by my current
partner. I am keen to promote a good relationship between my girls and
my partner so I don’t want this impression. I also do not want to do
anything to jeopardize my new relationship either.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how they would handle this
situation? I know there are thousands out there that must have gone
through this sort of thing.

Thanks


From: Barb D. on 28 Jul 2008 15:46
On Mon, 28 Jul 2008 11:40:41 -0700 (PDT), dlaminidrifter(a)gmail.com
wrote:

>I was hoping some wise people could help here with an issue I have.
>Here is the issue, firstly some history then my question.

First, because of the amount of spam and off-topic posts here, we've
created a new web-based site for legitimate posters to this newsgroup,
and I encourage you to visit it and post your story there:
http://asdweb.ning.com/

[snip]

>Now the issue.
>
>Because of the distance we are separated it is difficult to get an
>opportunity to see my daughters. In the last couple of years I have
>seen them twice, once when I went to Vancouver (without my current
>partner) and once when I flew them out to visit me (where they met my
>current partner). They both seemed to get on fine with her and accept
>her in my life. It is difficult because of work schedules to be able
>to get both my daughters to be able to visit at the same time so it
>would be nice to be able to take a long weekend to escape to Vancouver
>to visit them both there. The problem is that my ex has told my
>daughter that she would be �very upset� if I came to Vancouver with my
>current partner. My current partner is not happy about me going to
>Vancouver without her especially if it involved seeing my ex. When I
>did it the first time she coped very badly with it emotionally (it was
>done with her reluctant agreement at the time).

So your STBX would be very upset if you go to Vancouver with your
partner, and your partner would be very upset if you go without her.

One of the definitions of a rock and a hard place ;-)

I can't help you resolve the issue, just point out that this is *not*
about your relationship with *either* woman -- it's about your
relationship with your children.

Your STBX needs to get comfortable with the fact that the marriage is
over and you've moved on; and your partner needs to be comfortable
with the fact that you have children from your former marriage, and
they will always have a place in your life, which at times may be
apart from *your* relationship with her. And that sometimes, that
will involve contact with your former wife.

>My views are mixed. I personally believe that just because you are
>divorced from someone it does not necessarily mean that you should
>eliminate them from your life especially if you have kids together.

I would take that a step further and say it's damned near impossible
to eliminate that person from your life forever, especially when you
share children. That tapers off as the children become adults, but
even then there are milestones that may require your sharing space and
even cooperating with your former spouse -- college graduations,
marriages, the births of granchildren, milestones in the grandkids'
lives....

>I would have no problem visiting the ex with my daughters if I was there
>on my own if my current partner was happy with it. On the other hand I
>understand that she is not and therefore I won�t, especially after her
>reaction the first time.

Does your partner have children as well? This kind of attitude seems
strange to me, as someone who has kids and who has re-partnered with
someone who has kids as well. What is your partner afraid will
happen?

>My ex and my daughters don�t seem to
>understand this however, they do not understand why my partner should
>feel the way she does, and I the message I am getting from my
>daughter is that they see that I am being �controlled� by my current
>partner. I am keen to promote a good relationship between my girls and
>my partner so I don�t want this impression. I also do not want to do
>anything to jeopardize my new relationship either.

I think your daughter has a point -- although I would say you're
allowing yourself to be controlled by both women, and losing sight of
the purpose of these visits: to maintain contact with your children.

In my own experience, I think there are opportunities to share your
children with a new partner -- and occasions when you and your kids
need to spend time alone together. I hope you can resolve this in a
way so that your daughters aren't the ones losing out, which is the
way it feels at the moment.

Barb


From: BP on 30 Jul 2008 12:11
On Mon, 28 Jul 2008 11:40:41 -0700 (PDT), dlaminidrifter(a)gmail.com
wrote:

> The problem is that my ex has told my
>daughter that she would be �very upset� if I came to Vancouver with my
>current partner. My current partner is not happy about me going to
>Vancouver without her especially if it involved seeing my ex. When I
>did it the first time she coped very badly with it emotionally (it was
>done with her reluctant agreement at the time).

Sounds like both of them (ex and current partner) are being rather
manipulative with you.

You would be going to Vancouver to see your daughters, not your ex,
right?

>My views are mixed. I personally believe that just because you are
>divorced from someone it does not necessarily mean that you should
>eliminate them from your life especially if you have kids together.

I think this is a good viewpoint to have.

Your ex will always be in your life to some extent as the mother of
your chidren.

Does your current partner have children of her own? If not, this may
influence her lack of understanding of the situation.

>reaction the first time. My ex and my daughters don�t seem to
>understand this however, they do not understand why my partner should
>feel the way she does, and I the message I am getting from my
>daughter is that they see that I am being �controlled� by my current
>partner.

Well, I'd say they are right about that. Your current partner is
trying to control you by keeping you away from your ex, even if that
also means keeping you away from your daughters.

On the other hand, your ex is trying to control you by making you
leave your current partner at home and not bring her to Vancouver with
you.

Both of them are putting their control issues ahead of the importance
of you seeing your daughters.

>Does anyone have any suggestions on how they would handle this
>situation? I know there are thousands out there that must have gone
>through this sort of thing.

Temporary solution: go to Vancouver alone, visit your daughters but
not your ex. Yes, this is caving in to the demands of both ex and
current partner to some extent, but the important thing is keeping in
contact with your daughters.

Long term: your current partner needs to get over this insecurity
about you having contact with your ex. I repeat: Your ex will always
be in your life to some extent as the mother of your chidren.

BP

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