Prev: Hello I am new!
Next: exercise
From: louise on 29 Jan 2007 02:21
After many years of being treated primarily with
anti-depressants, then hypomania, then off, then onto
Lacmictal, I really was not much better at handling my panic
and enormous overwhelming fears than I ever was. Therapy
has helped a lot - but the only thing that really worked was
illegal ativan that I purchased at various times. No pdoc
was willing to prescribe steady doses of benzos because I am
also depressed and that's all they could see.

Recently I found a new pdoc who prescribed klonopin - as
much as 2 mg per day. I asked about the depression and he
suggested we wait and see if the Klonopin helped my mood.

After about 5 months, I am still depressed, but it is at a
low level, a level I've lived with, more or less, for my
whole life.

The Klonopin plus occasional ativan in a crisis, has allowed
me to use good judgement almost all the time. It has
prevented me from dissolving into an infantile needy person
who frightens others with her helplessness and terror.

So, I have just gone through the death of someone very close
to me and I have managed ok. I have functioned, I am
managing to do most of my work and my friends are commenting
upon how well I'm handling it. I know this all sounds great.

BUT - I also know that when the drugs wear off, I fall apart
- sometimes within an hour or two. I know that when there's
a particularly difficult crisis, I need to dissolve an
ativan under my tongue and talk to someone about how
terrified I am for 20 minutes - then I will get a grip and
function well.

So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical
imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? Should I
just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a
diabetic needs them. Should I not worry that they are
essential to my good emotional functioning?

And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say
about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or
am I really the person with the drugs?

I'm sorry for how long this is, but it's very confusing and
scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better
than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my
therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and
make use of, what I've learned in therapy.

Your thoughts and experiences will be greatly appreciated.

BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming - I'm
63 years old and I'm not sure I care much about that aspect
- it's much more about who am I "really"?

Louise

--
========== Please DELETE this text block when replying! ==========
Contact the moderators at: asapm-board(a)stump.algebra.com
The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
========= This notice is added to each approved article ==========

From: Carl on 29 Jan 2007 13:40
True Louise, at 63 years old, dependency would be the last thing on my mind.
I hv been on benzodiazepines for the better part of 20 years and will take
them the remainder of my life. I have always considered the quality of my
life much more important than the quantity. These meds have helped me live a
relatively normal productive life. I thank God that medicines like these
exist. I am also on an AD too btw. Valium and Lexapro seem to be working
well for me at the moment. As an adjunct to the pharmacotherapy, I also
exercise moderately, drink plenty of water, try to eat well and limit my
junk food intake (hardest thing to do of all), and I meditate twice per day.
Klonopin is a very good med. It worked well for me for over 12 years. HTH

Carl
"louise" <louise(a)invalid.invalid> wrote in message
news:5259m9F1n9gl2U1(a)mid.individual.net...
> After many years of being treated primarily with
> anti-depressants, then hypomania, then off, then onto
> Lacmictal, I really was not much better at handling my panic
> and enormous overwhelming fears than I ever was. Therapy
> has helped a lot - but the only thing that really worked was
> illegal ativan that I purchased at various times. No pdoc
> was willing to prescribe steady doses of benzos because I am
> also depressed and that's all they could see.
>
> Recently I found a new pdoc who prescribed klonopin - as
> much as 2 mg per day. I asked about the depression and he
> suggested we wait and see if the Klonopin helped my mood.
>
> After about 5 months, I am still depressed, but it is at a
> low level, a level I've lived with, more or less, for my
> whole life.
>
> The Klonopin plus occasional ativan in a crisis, has allowed
> me to use good judgement almost all the time. It has
> prevented me from dissolving into an infantile needy person
> who frightens others with her helplessness and terror.
>
> So, I have just gone through the death of someone very close
> to me and I have managed ok. I have functioned, I am
> managing to do most of my work and my friends are commenting
> upon how well I'm handling it. I know this all sounds great.
>
> BUT - I also know that when the drugs wear off, I fall apart
> - sometimes within an hour or two. I know that when there's
> a particularly difficult crisis, I need to dissolve an
> ativan under my tongue and talk to someone about how
> terrified I am for 20 minutes - then I will get a grip and
> function well.
>
> So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical
> imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? Should I
> just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a
> diabetic needs them. Should I not worry that they are
> essential to my good emotional functioning?
>
> And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say
> about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or
> am I really the person with the drugs?
>
> I'm sorry for how long this is, but it's very confusing and
> scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better
> than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my
> therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and
> make use of, what I've learned in therapy.
>
> Your thoughts and experiences will be greatly appreciated.
>
> BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming - I'm
> 63 years old and I'm not sure I care much about that aspect
> - it's much more about who am I "really"?
>
> Louise
>
> --
> ========== Please DELETE this text block when replying! ==========
> Contact the moderators at: asapm-board(a)stump.algebra.com
> The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
> ========= This notice is added to each approved article ==========
>

--
========== Please DELETE this text block when replying! ==========
Contact the moderators at: asapm-board(a)stump.algebra.com
The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
========= This notice is added to each approved article ==========

From: MsMonarchdancer on 30 Jan 2007 18:58
On Mon, 29 Jan 2007 01:21:57 -0600, louise <louise(a)invalid.invalid> wrote:

<gently snipped>

::So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical
::imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? Should I
::just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a
::diabetic needs them. Should I not worry that they are
::essential to my good emotional functioning?

When it was decided I need to go on paxil, I was devastated! I expressed my
devastation to my GP at the time. She asked me if I felt ashamed at having to
take Synthroid everyday for my thyroid. Of course not, I told her! There is no
difference, she said. Her comment really put things in perspective for me. I
really don't care what meds I need to take for whatever disorders I have. If
they give quality to my life, what more could I ask for? :) I have thrown away
many years because of my stubbornness about taking a med for my anxiety. I do
not subscribe to needless suffering anymore when there is something that can
help me.

::And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say
::about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or
::am I really the person with the drugs?

You should see yourself as Louise who takes some meds. Your disorder and meds
for it.... do not define who you are as a person.

::I'm sorry for how long this is, but it's very confusing and
::scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better
::than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my
::therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and
::make use of, what I've learned in therapy.

Embrace the fact that you are doing so much better with therapy and meds. Some
people aren't as fortunate.

::BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming - I'm
::63 years old and I'm not sure I care much about that aspect
::- it's much more about who am I "really"?

Maybe........you aren't sure who you are being you've never been as functional
and in control as you are now. Sometimes I have to pinch myself as I recover
more and more, it's hard to believe it's really me :)

Jackie
~*~When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin
line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic
idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap~*~

--
========== Please DELETE this text block when replying! ==========
Contact the moderators at: asapm-board(a)stump.algebra.com
The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
========= This notice is added to each approved article ==========

From: louise on 31 Jan 2007 01:44
MsMonarchdancer(a)gmail.com wrote:
> On Mon, 29 Jan 2007 01:21:57 -0600, louise <louise(a)invalid.invalid> wrote:
>
> <gently snipped>
>
> ::So what does this mean? Does it mean I have a real chemical
> ::imbalance no different from thyroid or diabetes? Should I
> ::just assume that I need these drugs in the same way that a
> ::diabetic needs them. Should I not worry that they are
> ::essential to my good emotional functioning?
>
> When it was decided I need to go on paxil, I was devastated! I expressed my
> devastation to my GP at the time. She asked me if I felt ashamed at having to
> take Synthroid everyday for my thyroid. Of course not, I told her! There is no
> difference, she said. Her comment really put things in perspective for me. I
> really don't care what meds I need to take for whatever disorders I have. If
> they give quality to my life, what more could I ask for? :) I have thrown away
> many years because of my stubbornness about taking a med for my anxiety. I do
> not subscribe to needless suffering anymore when there is something that can
> help me.
>
> ::And if so, how should I "see" myself? What does this say
> ::about who I am? Am I really the person without the drugs or
> ::am I really the person with the drugs?
>
> You should see yourself as Louise who takes some meds. Your disorder and meds
> for it.... do not define who you are as a person.
>
> ::I'm sorry for how long this is, but it's very confusing and
> ::scary. I have watched myself go through a crisis better
> ::than ever before in my life. I know a lot of it is my
> ::therapy. But I also know I need the drugs to hold onto, and
> ::make use of, what I've learned in therapy.
>
> Embrace the fact that you are doing so much better with therapy and meds. Some
> people aren't as fortunate.
>
> ::BTW, I am aware Klonopin is addictive or habit forming - I'm
> ::63 years old and I'm not sure I care much about that aspect
> ::- it's much more about who am I "really"?
>
> Maybe........you aren't sure who you are being you've never been as functional
> and in control as you are now. Sometimes I have to pinch myself as I recover
> more and more, it's hard to believe it's really me :)
>
> Jackie
> ~*~When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin
> line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic
> idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap~*~
>
That's a very good point. I'm not sure who I am. I'm
constantly looking back at the last hour or so, or event, or
exchange....and wondering how I handled it so well. I
always worry it wont work the next time - but it is keeping
working and I guess I'll get used to being a functioning
grownup :-) sooner or later.

Thanks for your help.

Louise

--
========== Please DELETE this text block when replying! ==========
Contact the moderators at: asapm-board(a)stump.algebra.com
The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
========= This notice is added to each approved article ==========

 | 
Pages: 1
Prev: Hello I am new!
Next: exercise