epiphany
in [Marriage]
|
Prev: holiday....
Next: new scenario
From: Xorra on 28 Aug 2008 07:10 I have had somewhat of an epiphany concerning my depression. Looking back on it, I've realized that the periods of depression are all linked to a feeling of isolation. I first remember feeling it this time in 1999 at my last career-type job. It was fine when I started working there, but over time the lunch invitations stopped coming, and while people were friendly enough if I stopped to chat with them, no one would stop to chat with me. I didn't have problems with anybody there, and I think if asked they would all have said, "Xorra? Yeah, I like her just fine," but nobody would have listed me among their friends. I had very good reasons for leaving, but looking back, I can see that this feeling contributed to my job dissatisfaction. At first things were okay -- DH had started rejecting me even before I left work, but I had a good friend in my next door neighbor, and met another mom in the neighborhood while I was out walking my daughter, and still got together frequently with my best friend. I was still conscious of the need for contact though, and so when DD started school, I took at job at a gym day care where I could take my son with me. I could see the friendships forming around me, the other employees, and even the employees and clients. But again, I was left out. I stayed at that job for over a year, and my next attempt was church. I joined the choir and Sunday School and volunteered for things, even taught bible school. Basically tried to be visible and involved. And yet, over the next two years, the same thing happened. Friendships formed around me, and I was left out. Week after week I would sit there in the choir loft realizing that there was no one there in the entire building who I really cared about. About this time, things at home were worsening. DH was increasingly critical, and both my next door neighbor, and that other woman in the neighborhood had moved away. My best friend was now increasingly busy, and never seemed to have time to talk or get together. In short, I was well and truly isolated. That's when I first came to the internet, and my first stop was a.s.m. Well, of course I quickly managed to alienate most of the most vocal people here, but it came to feel like home, so I stayed anyway. But then I started meeting people from all over the world, and the world of chat opened up to me. And for awhile, things were good again. All this really interesting talk with interesting people, and I developed some really good friendships too, came to care about them. But now it's all fallen apart too. So many people either lied or disappeared or just got busy.... So, the question is, now what? These were just the highlights, there have been other attempts, from clubs, to more jobs to school to...well everything. I'm out of ideas. It never works out. I just don't see any way out of this hole. Xorra p.s. I *have* made some good friends online that I still have...just not ones I can hang out with often.
From: Sarah Lister on 28 Aug 2008 09:02 On Aug 28, 7:10 am, "Xorra" <zor...(a)comcast.net> wrote: > I have had somewhat of an epiphany concerning my depression. Looking back > on it, I've realized that the periods of depression are all linked to a > feeling of isolation. > > I first remember feeling it this time in 1999 at my last career-type job. > It was fine when I started working there, but over time the lunch > invitations stopped coming, and while people were friendly enough if I > stopped to chat with them, no one would stop to chat with me. I didn't have > problems with anybody there, and I think if asked they would all have said, > "Xorra? Yeah, I like her just fine," but nobody would have listed me among > their friends. I had very good reasons for leaving, but looking back, I can > see that this feeling contributed to my job dissatisfaction. > > At first things were okay -- DH had started rejecting me even before I left > work, but I had a good friend in my next door neighbor, and met another mom > in the neighborhood while I was out walking my daughter, and still got > together frequently with my best friend. I was still conscious of the need > for contact though, and so when DD started school, I took at job at a gym > day care where I could take my son with me. I could see the friendships > forming around me, the other employees, and even the employees and clients. > But again, I was left out. > > I stayed at that job for over a year, and my next attempt was church. I > joined the choir and Sunday School and volunteered for things, even taught > bible school. Basically tried to be visible and involved. And yet, over the > next two years, the same thing happened. Friendships formed around me, and > I was left out. Week after week I would sit there in the choir loft > realizing that there was no one there in the entire building who I really > cared about. > > About this time, things at home were worsening. DH was increasingly > critical, and both my next door neighbor, and that other woman in the > neighborhood had moved away. My best friend was now increasingly busy, and > never seemed to have time to talk or get together. In short, I was well > and truly isolated. > > That's when I first came to the internet, and my first stop was a.s.m. > Well, of course I quickly managed to alienate most of the most vocal people > here, but it came to feel like home, so I stayed anyway. But then I started > meeting people from all over the world, and the world of chat opened up to > me. And for awhile, things were good again. All this really interesting > talk with interesting people, and I developed some really good friendships > too, came to care about them. But now it's all fallen apart too. So many > people either lied or disappeared or just got busy.... > > So, the question is, now what? These were just the highlights, there have > been other attempts, from clubs, to more jobs to school to...well > everything. I'm out of ideas. It never works out. I just don't see any > way out of this hole. > > Xorra > > p.s. I *have* made some good friends online that I still have...just not > ones I can hang out with often. I think making new friends as an adult can be difficult, if only because most other adults already have social networks and we're not all thrown together in social situations the way we are in high school or college or even our early working days. I would say that just because you have tried clubs, and school, and jobs, doesn't mean that clubs and school and jobs aren't potential sources of friends; you just didn't happen to find one in the particular times and places you were participating in those activities. It's sort of like dating (actually, it's a lot like dating); the more you can put yourself out there, the more you're likely to find someone you're interested in and compatible with. I realize that doing that when you're already depressed is not exactly a trivial challenge, but it's hard to make friends without meeting people. It's also a lot like dating in that it's normal for a really large proportion of the people you meet not to turn out to be lifelong best friends, those are rare for most of us. (I have a younger brother who is very friendly and charismatic and could make five lifelong Do you knit? Could you knit? :-) A local acquaintance of mine has been making a lot of friends through Ravelry (sp?) meet-ups. Sarah
From: Doug Anderson on 28 Aug 2008 10:23 "Xorra" <zorra2(a)comcast.net> writes: > I have had somewhat of an epiphany concerning my depression. Looking back > on it, I've realized that the periods of depression are all linked to a > feeling of isolation. (snip rest of recounting) An interesting observation. There is an obvious chicken and egg question here (though I'm not sure if the answer matters very much). Do you get depressed as you get isolated, or do you get isolated (or feeling isolated) as a result of your depression. In any case, when I want more people in my real world, I make friends out of acquaintances that I like. It requires a little bit of effort to start asking people who you haven't been in the habit of doing things with to do things with you, but I eat my powder milk biscuits first.
From: Barb D. on 28 Aug 2008 10:47 On Thu, 28 Aug 2008 07:10:53 -0400, "Xorra" <zorra2(a)comcast.net> wrote: [snip] >So, the question is, now what? These were just the highlights, there have >been other attempts, from clubs, to more jobs to school to...well >everything. I'm out of ideas. It never works out. I just don't see any >way out of this hole. I thought Sarah made some good points, and I agree with her about the similarity between making friends and dating. Both can require a fair investment of time to find people who are a good fit. I do think your epiphany is a good thing though, Xorra. You've noticed a pattern, and that might lead you to think about what works and what doesn't work in your interactions with other people in different settings. It could be that you find it easier to get to know people in more intimate settings than the workplace, for example, where it can feel more risky to be self-revealing. Making friends does require an element of risk, though. I've learned to follow my instincts when I meet someone I feel an instant connection with -- even admitting what I'm feeling (it's never been non-reciprocal when it's happened). I might suggest meeting for coffee one-on-one, for instance. I think most people feel genuinely good when another person tells them, "I really like you and want to get to know you better." Barb
From: MarieD on 28 Aug 2008 11:32
"Xorra" <zorra2(a)comcast.net> wrote in message news:8ICdnbJU9qEiGivVnZ2dnUVZ_sjinZ2d(a)comcast.com... > So, the question is, now what? These were just the highlights, there have > been other attempts, from clubs, to more jobs to school to...well > everything. I'm out of ideas. It never works out. I just don't see any > way out of this hole. There is a difference between very close friends who you want to be with your whole life, and friends as in aquaintances. I could very well do without aquaintance-type friendships, but friends-for-life are rare so it's good to have some filler friends. I have two friends I've kept from middle school, it wasn't easy as we all took such different paths, but it's been worth it. I also have two very close friends in my homeschool group that I figure will last our lifetime. I've actually "broken up" with one of my friends (one from middle school) when we were 19. We did the crying, trading all our stuff back, everything. It was every bit as traumatic as a breakup from a boyfriend. We're back together now lol Someone else asked if the isolation leads to depression, or if your depression leads to your isolation- that is a very good question, and you should think carefully about that. When my depression rears up, I start to feel that my friends don't really think as much of me, how can I be friends with people, I am nobody... But then after I come out of it, it all feels differently and I wonder how I could have felt that way about myself. Also, I don't know if you have a problem with shyness, but I did/do. To the point where I would avoid situations rather than try to talk to people. I started realizing my problem a few years ago. Instead of just talking to people, I would wait on them to talk to me, and then feel lonely and non-existent because they wouldn't talk to me. When I realized it was about ME, it was MY problem, I decided to push myself. If people were talking about something interesting, I would join in as if I belonged. Asked questions, gave my input. And after awhile, I DID belong. It took work though. I know it's not easy to barge in on people's conversations and groups. But people don't think of you the way you think of yourself- you're critical, to other people, you're just another person they don't know. And remember that everyone is human and has problems. If you have problems finding friends, so do other people. You don't know that many people you see are in the same state you are-they are trying to find friends and faking the happy face. If you are shy- so are other people. It takes the few odd people to just burst into other people's conversations. Another point about shy people- unfortuneately, shy people often give others the wrong impression. I remember when my family moved us to a new town, I was new in school, and very shy and quiet. I finally made a friend and later on she told me everyone had thought I was stuck up! Because I was scared to talk to people they thought I was stuck up. I'm very far from stuck-up and couldn't believe someone would have thought that about me. Marie |