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From: tbolcar19 on 27 Jan 2008 15:44
Hi ,
I'm new here and have a question.
My 58yr.old brother lost his lovely wife 2and 1/2 yrs. ago. (cancer) Soon
after, his minister at his church introduced him to a widow of about that
long also.
They began taking walks together and since then, they are almost always
together. Dave told me as soon as his wife died, that the lonliness was
excruciating. This woman is so good for him and they recently expressed
their love for each other. ( I am the only one that knows that).
He began bringing her to some family functions, and everyone loved her also,
except for my brothers 28yr.old daughter and her grandmother.
He initially told his daughter that they were just friends, which was true
in the beginning.
Dave kept his "friend" low key up till this point. When his daughter found
out that he was bringing her to another family function, she exploded on
him...calling him a bad father and a bad grandfather to her 2 little sons.
She cursed at him. She said "I don't ever want her car to be in front of the
house again". She said don't come to my house either...it's either her or
me. And alot of other wounding, cutting remarks.
She had told me that it is tradional in her Italian family to not see anyone
after a spouds dies because it is "dishonoring" the deceased. (way before
this incident, casually)
So, you can see the problem. My brother is soft spoken and his daughter is
not at all.
Dave's girlfriend called me, that is how I know what happened. We have
become good friends. I also love my niece and frequently baby sit and help
however I can.
Any comments would be appreciated. I haven't done anything but pray that his
daughter doesn't pull them apart.
thanks,
chris



From: daisy on 27 Jan 2008 18:04
tbolcar19 wrote:
> Hi ,
> I'm new here and have a question.
> My 58yr.old brother lost his lovely wife 2and 1/2 yrs. ago. (cancer) Soon
> after, his minister at his church introduced him to a widow of about that
> long also.
> They began taking walks together and since then, they are almost always
> together. Dave told me as soon as his wife died, that the lonliness was
> excruciating. This woman is so good for him and they recently expressed
> their love for each other. ( I am the only one that knows that).
> He began bringing her to some family functions, and everyone loved her also,
> except for my brothers 28yr.old daughter and her grandmother.
> He initially told his daughter that they were just friends, which was true
> in the beginning.
> Dave kept his "friend" low key up till this point. When his daughter found
> out that he was bringing her to another family function, she exploded on
> him...calling him a bad father and a bad grandfather to her 2 little sons.
> She cursed at him. She said "I don't ever want her car to be in front of the
> house again". She said don't come to my house either...it's either her or
> me. And alot of other wounding, cutting remarks.
> She had told me that it is tradional in her Italian family to not see anyone
> after a spouds dies because it is "dishonoring" the deceased. (way before
> this incident, casually)
> So, you can see the problem. My brother is soft spoken and his daughter is
> not at all.
> Dave's girlfriend called me, that is how I know what happened. We have
> become good friends. I also love my niece and frequently baby sit and help
> however I can.
> Any comments would be appreciated. I haven't done anything but pray that his
> daughter doesn't pull them apart.
> thanks,
> chris
>
>
>
I think that dad should go on with his life...and I still think in time
his daughter will come to understand that her dad must have a life as
well. I can understand how this would be hard to deal with, but being
that your neice is an adult herself, I say kudos to dad for finding
someone he can share his life with, I'm sure his deceased wife would
want that as well.

Daisy
From: Noon Cat Nick on 28 Jan 2008 00:17
daisy wrote:

> tbolcar19 wrote:
>

> I think that dad should go on with his life...and I still think in time
> his daughter will come to understand that her dad must have a life as
> well. I can understand how this would be hard to deal with, but being
> that your neice is an adult herself, I say kudos to dad for finding
> someone he can share his life with, I'm sure his deceased wife would
> want that as well.
>
> Daisy

I agree. He deserves his own life, and deserves a chance at happiness
with this woman. His daughter is being uncharitable. She doesn't see
that her father is lonesome and needs companionship. ISTM she thinks her
father is dishonoring the memory of her late mother by having a
relationship with this woman. And she's wrong. Plus, her attitude is
creating distance between her and her father, which isn't good. He
shouldn't be forced to choose between his daughter and this woman. If
she insists on this, everyone loses. This is just plain bad. If he can,
he needs to ask his daughter why she's taken this position and why she
insists on being so intractable.
From: Jack Cassidy on 28 Jan 2008 01:26

"tbolcar19" <tbolcar19(a)comcast.net> wrote in message
news:Wv6dnbZEAPnVcAHanZ2dnUVZ_j2dnZ2d(a)comcast.com...
> Hi ,
> I'm new here and have a question.
> My 58yr.old brother lost his lovely wife 2and 1/2 yrs. ago. (cancer) Soon
> after, his minister at his church introduced him to a widow of about that
> long also.
> They began taking walks together and since then, they are almost always
> together. Dave told me as soon as his wife died, that the lonliness was
> excruciating. This woman is so good for him and they recently expressed
> their love for each other. ( I am the only one that knows that).
> He began bringing her to some family functions, and everyone loved her
> also, except for my brothers 28yr.old daughter and her grandmother.
> He initially told his daughter that they were just friends, which was true
> in the beginning.
> Dave kept his "friend" low key up till this point. When his daughter found
> out that he was bringing her to another family function, she exploded on
> him...calling him a bad father and a bad grandfather to her 2 little sons.
> She cursed at him. She said "I don't ever want her car to be in front of
> the house again". She said don't come to my house either...it's either her
> or me. And alot of other wounding, cutting remarks.
> She had told me that it is tradional in her Italian family to not see
> anyone after a spouds dies because it is "dishonoring" the deceased. (way
> before this incident, casually)
> So, you can see the problem. My brother is soft spoken and his daughter is
> not at all.
> Dave's girlfriend called me, that is how I know what happened. We have
> become good friends. I also love my niece and frequently baby sit and help
> however I can.
> Any comments would be appreciated. I haven't done anything but pray that
> his daughter doesn't pull them apart.
> thanks,
> chris

'Til death do us part. I think your brother held up his end of the bargain.
What a shame his daughter cannot come to terms with the fact that her father
is still alive. In no way are his actions dishonoring anyone. When my mother
in law died years ago my father in law gave up, He stopped taking his
medications and just gave up on life, He died less that a year afterwards.
Is that what his daughter wants? When he is gone she will have no parents.
Where does she get the right to tell her father how to live his life?
Happiness is fleeting, If your brother has a chance to be happy again his
daughter ought to mind her own business.
What greater compliment can a husband pay to his dead wife that to be
willing to try again to find love? At 58 he may have many years left, What
does she expect him to do, just sit around waiting to die?
I hope she accepts the fact that her mother has died and nothing can change
that, Her father is still alive and entitled to live his own life. If she
wants her children to have a grandfather then she needs to resolve this in
her own mind and not try to dictate ultimatums to her father.


--
Jack Cassidy
Patti's dad
3/17/79~~10/1/96
Your light still shines in my heart.


From: Lynn - Josh's Mom on 28 Jan 2008 03:43
On Jan 27, 2:44 pm, "tbolcar19" <tbolca...(a)comcast.net> wrote:
> Hi ,
> I'm new here and have a question.
> My 58yr.old brother lost his lovely wife 2and 1/2 yrs. ago. (cancer) Soon
> after, his minister at his church introduced him to a widow of about that
> long also.
> They began taking walks together and since then, they are almost always
> together. Dave told me as soon as his wife died, that the lonliness was
> excruciating. This woman is so good for him and they recently expressed
> their love for each other. ( I am the only one that knows that).
> He began bringing her to some family functions, and everyone loved her also,
> except for my brothers 28yr.old daughter and her grandmother.
> He initially told his daughter that they were just friends, which was true
> in the beginning.
> Dave kept his "friend" low key up till this point. When his daughter found
> out that he was bringing her to another family function, she exploded on
> him...calling him a bad father and a bad grandfather to her 2 little sons.
> She cursed at him. She said "I don't ever want her car to be in front of the
> house again". She said don't come to my house either...it's either her or
> me. And alot of other wounding, cutting remarks.
> She had told me that it is tradional in her Italian family to not see anyone
> after a spouds dies because it is "dishonoring" the deceased. (way before
> this incident, casually)
> So, you can see the problem. My brother is soft spoken and his daughter is
> not at all.
> Dave's girlfriend called me, that is how I know what happened. We have
> become good friends. I also love my niece and frequently baby sit and help
> however I can.
> Any comments would be appreciated. I haven't done anything but pray that his
> daughter doesn't pull them apart.
> thanks,
> chris

Chris:
Personally the daughter is still probably grieving her Mothers death,
two years isn't that long ago. I think that your brother should talk
to his daughter about this. No one can tell another how to grieve or
for how long to grieve. Grieving is truly a very personal thing. I
would hope that all involved will be gentle with her no matter how
rude she becomes.

At the same time, kids, no matter how old they are also need to know
that each one of us, have our very own lives to live.
From personal experience not from the death of a spouse but from a
divorce of a spouse, have first hand knowledge of how adult children
think they can have a decision in who and when their parent dates.
When the lines are drawn in the sand by adult children and things are
said as to choosing between them as our children and who ever it is we
want to be around. It is so important to be patient with them and even
when they are being ugly to be sure they know how loved they are by us
unconditionally. You know the saying pick your battles? It does no
good to win a battle only to lose the war with your kids. Bad things
in your relationship with them can last a lifetime.

With that said - You the parent should not ever decide such a
question. With out fighting and being loving when addressed by your
children to choose - simply hug them - tell them you will always be
there for them and continue to love them but that YOU ARE the PARENT
and this is what you will be doing right now in your life. If they go
further with not seeing you and giving you orders as to who you can
bring around them. Respect there feelings up to a point. Don't bring
this person to there home but keep inviting your child to your home
and life and remember you are an adult and have that person beside you
when you see them. If it is something like Christmas gathering of all
your family - and they say you can't come because you are with her. Go
anyway. Don't sweat the small stuff. Trust me when I say life will
always throw us the really big stuff to deal with and petty fighting
with your kids isn't worth it. Sorry so lengthy, but I am very
opinionated on this subject.

Lynn - Josh's Mom
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