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From: x on 22 Sep 2007 20:31
I'm not sure if I belong here or in asd. Too much going on in my
head. I'm late paying bills and $%^& credit card companies aren't
open on weekends to accept phone payments?!! Even after ativan I'm
still edgy. Gota find a job. I've been outa work for months. I
haven't been on a job interview for almost 25 years, and I'm scared.
Did programming, hardware design and PCB layout. Not sure if my mind
is up to hi-tech work again. But if not, then what will I do? Not
sure of what I want to be when I grow up (I'm almost 52). Not
desperate enough to work at walmart, and i'm not a ppl person.
Difficult to concentrate, to keep my mind together. Maybe I'm being
dramatic. I just wanna hide and make it all go away. I can escape in
my kayak for 2 hours at a time. Very peaceful, just he water and
geese, ducks and blue herons. I don't think about my problems when
I'm paddling. It's times like this that I wish I drank, and times
like this that I'm glad I don't.

My parents are worried about me and want me to change pdocs. But
that's a _huge_ process. There's more to say, but the words won't
come.
-Dave
From: Doug Laidlaw on 22 Sep 2007 23:59
x(a)x.com wrote:

> I'm not sure if I belong here or in asd. Too much going on in my
> head. I'm late paying bills and $%^& credit card companies aren't
> open on weekends to accept phone payments?!! Even after ativan I'm
> still edgy. Gota find a job. I've been outa work for months. I
> haven't been on a job interview for almost 25 years, and I'm scared.
> Did programming, hardware design and PCB layout. Not sure if my mind
> is up to hi-tech work again. But if not, then what will I do? Not
> sure of what I want to be when I grow up (I'm almost 52). Not
> desperate enough to work at walmart, and i'm not a ppl person.
> Difficult to concentrate, to keep my mind together. Maybe I'm being
> dramatic. I just wanna hide and make it all go away. I can escape in
> my kayak for 2 hours at a time. Very peaceful, just he water and
> geese, ducks and blue herons. I don't think about my problems when
> I'm paddling. It's times like this that I wish I drank, and times
> like this that I'm glad I don't.
>
> My parents are worried about me and want me to change pdocs. But
> that's a _huge_ process. There's more to say, but the words won't
> come.
> -Dave

Tell us what you can. Why do your parents want you to change pdocs? In
what way is your present one unsatisfactory?

Doug.
--
There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.
- R.L. Stevenson.

From: vze24h5m on 23 Sep 2007 09:36
On Sun, 23 Sep 2007 13:59:43 +1000, Doug Laidlaw
<laidlaws(a)doughost.invalid> wrote:

>x(a)x.com wrote:
>
>> I'm not sure if I belong here or in asd. Too much going on in my
>> head. I'm late paying bills and $%^& credit card companies aren't
>> open on weekends to accept phone payments?!! Even after ativan I'm
>> still edgy. Gota find a job. I've been outa work for months. I
>> haven't been on a job interview for almost 25 years, and I'm scared.
>> Did programming, hardware design and PCB layout. Not sure if my mind
>> is up to hi-tech work again. But if not, then what will I do? Not
>> sure of what I want to be when I grow up (I'm almost 52). Not
>> desperate enough to work at walmart, and i'm not a ppl person.
>> Difficult to concentrate, to keep my mind together. Maybe I'm being
>> dramatic. I just wanna hide and make it all go away. I can escape in
>> my kayak for 2 hours at a time. Very peaceful, just he water and
>> geese, ducks and blue herons. I don't think about my problems when
>> I'm paddling. It's times like this that I wish I drank, and times
>> like this that I'm glad I don't.
>>
>> My parents are worried about me and want me to change pdocs. But
>> that's a _huge_ process. There's more to say, but the words won't
>> come.
>> -Dave
>
>Tell us what you can. Why do your parents want you to change pdocs? In
>what way is your present one unsatisfactory?
>
>Doug.

My parents see that I'm still depressed. I'm very apathetic. I
haven't faced reality and gone job hunting; that if I continue doing
nothing, I'll be broke or bankrupt; and that just sitting around and
doing nothing is depressing in itself. I've had -0- income since I
was laid off last summer. I'm living off of savings.

I haven't kept some appointments with my pdoc. I make an appt when I
leave my pdoc's office, but when the appt day arrives, I don't want to
go, or I totally forget about the appt. I wait until meds are low,
then call for an appt. I'm just so tired of the years (10?) that I've
been seeing a therapist and pdoc. I've had 2 episode of major
depression years before. I'm tired of being a slave to the meds. This
pdoc is my second one. I haven't seen a therapist for several years,
cuz I was getting better. But in Aug '05 I had to put my favorite
cat, my buddy, to sleep cuz his kidneys failed and he had fluid around
his heart and lungs. That same summer the house's A/C died, so that
was another $4k. Then last summer ('06), I was laid off, and have
been by myself (+old cat + new cat) since then. I did spend 5 months
remodeling my rental house so it can be sold. Its been on the market
for 4 months, and not even a bite.
-Dave
From: Doug Laidlaw on 23 Sep 2007 19:49
vze24h5m(a)verizon.net wrote:

> On Sun, 23 Sep 2007 13:59:43 +1000, Doug Laidlaw
> <laidlaws(a)doughost.invalid> wrote:
>
>>x(a)x.com wrote:
>>
>>> I'm not sure if I belong here or in asd. Too much going on in my
>>> head. I'm late paying bills and $%^& credit card companies aren't
>>> open on weekends to accept phone payments?!! Even after ativan I'm
>>> still edgy. Gota find a job. I've been outa work for months. I
>>> haven't been on a job interview for almost 25 years, and I'm scared.
>>> Did programming, hardware design and PCB layout. Not sure if my mind
>>> is up to hi-tech work again. But if not, then what will I do? Not
>>> sure of what I want to be when I grow up (I'm almost 52). Not
>>> desperate enough to work at walmart, and i'm not a ppl person.
>>> Difficult to concentrate, to keep my mind together. Maybe I'm being
>>> dramatic. I just wanna hide and make it all go away. I can escape in
>>> my kayak for 2 hours at a time. Very peaceful, just he water and
>>> geese, ducks and blue herons. I don't think about my problems when
>>> I'm paddling. It's times like this that I wish I drank, and times
>>> like this that I'm glad I don't.
>>>
>>> My parents are worried about me and want me to change pdocs. But
>>> that's a _huge_ process. There's more to say, but the words won't
>>> come.
>>> -Dave
>>
>>Tell us what you can. Why do your parents want you to change pdocs? In
>>what way is your present one unsatisfactory?
>>
>>Doug.
>
> My parents see that I'm still depressed. I'm very apathetic. I
> haven't faced reality and gone job hunting; that if I continue doing
> nothing, I'll be broke or bankrupt; and that just sitting around and
> doing nothing is depressing in itself. I've had -0- income since I
> was laid off last summer. I'm living off of savings.
>
> I haven't kept some appointments with my pdoc. I make an appt when I
> leave my pdoc's office, but when the appt day arrives, I don't want to
> go, or I totally forget about the appt. I wait until meds are low,
> then call for an appt. I'm just so tired of the years (10?) that I've
> been seeing a therapist and pdoc. I've had 2 episode of major
> depression years before. I'm tired of being a slave to the meds. This
> pdoc is my second one. I haven't seen a therapist for several years,
> cuz I was getting better. But in Aug '05 I had to put my favorite
> cat, my buddy, to sleep cuz his kidneys failed and he had fluid around
> his heart and lungs. That same summer the house's A/C died, so that
> was another $4k. Then last summer ('06), I was laid off, and have
> been by myself (+old cat + new cat) since then. I did spend 5 months
> remodeling my rental house so it can be sold. Its been on the market
> for 4 months, and not even a bite.
> -Dave

Well, plainly a change of pdoc won't help if you don't keep appointments. I
suggest a 12-step group. I am in Australia, and the only one I know is
GROW, but it was based on Recovery Inc. The point is that caring
fellow-members phone you from time to time, and the group will set you
goals and keep you to them. You have to ring them too, helping them as
much as you can, and that is good for getting you out of the focus on
yourself, which is so typical of depression. For me, seeing a group of
others like me was comforting: I was not alone any more, not feeling that I
was the only person who felt like this, and that nobody would understand.
As for how long it takes, I get like that too, and I have had it for 50
years! Find out from your pdoc how much improvement you can realistically
expect, then accept that. I always say that I look on my depression as a
disability more than an illness. Like other disabled people, I have tried
to live as fully as my disability would allow. Certainly I get rebellious
at times, but my case is inherited, and I can't change my genes. It is no
use my dreaming of the day I will be normal. I have worked during most of
my life, although my record isn't too impressive. You can improve on your
present situation only after you see what your probable limitations are,
and don't attempt to change what you can't, but what you can. Some people
make a complete recovery in time, others function well with ongoing
therapy.

Doug.
--
Who does the best his circumstance allows,
Does well, acts nobly; angels could no more.
- Edward Young.

From: x on 24 Sep 2007 00:29
On Mon, 24 Sep 2007 09:49:49 +1000, Doug Laidlaw
<laidlaws(a)doughost.invalid> wrote:

<previous 3 posts snipped>
>
>Well, plainly a change of pdoc won't help if you don't keep appointments. I
>suggest a 12-step group. I am in Australia, and the only one I know is
>GROW, but it was based on Recovery Inc. The point is that caring
>fellow-members phone you from time to time, and the group will set you
>goals and keep you to them. You have to ring them too, helping them as
>much as you can, and that is good for getting you out of the focus on
>yourself, which is so typical of depression. For me, seeing a group of
>others like me was comforting: I was not alone any more, not feeling that I
>was the only person who felt like this, and that nobody would understand.
>As for how long it takes, I get like that too, and I have had it for 50
>years! Find out from your pdoc how much improvement you can realistically
>expect, then accept that. I always say that I look on my depression as a
>disability more than an illness. Like other disabled people, I have tried
>to live as fully as my disability would allow. Certainly I get rebellious
>at times, but my case is inherited, and I can't change my genes. It is no
>use my dreaming of the day I will be normal. I have worked during most of
>my life, although my record isn't too impressive. You can improve on your
>present situation only after you see what your probable limitations are,
>and don't attempt to change what you can't, but what you can. Some people
>make a complete recovery in time, others function well with ongoing
>therapy.
>
>Doug.

Doug;
Hmm... I hadn't thought of depression as a disability, I guess I
thought of it more like cancer. I'd be in "remission" for several
years and then it would return. Funny thing is that if I had cancer,
normal people would be understanding and if I needed time off for
treatments, no problem. But several years ago when my pdoc put me on
limited disability for 3 months to adjust my meds, I heard that one
upper manager said that it would be a "vacation" for me. Fortunately
my manager was far more understanding (his sister has depression).

I have wondered if maybe I've reached my limits, considering the
disabling effects of depression. But I'm also lazy and don't push
myself too much... So, the big question is what do I do for a living?
Do I stay in hi-tech and go for entry-level or medium-level jobs? So
at a job interview do I say that I want a job that's not too
stressful?? Oh and btw I want a big salary, too - ya right ;) I'm not
expecting answers (suggestions are welcomed), but some how I have to
figure this out. I sure don't want a job where I say "do you want
fries with that?", or "welcome to Walmart". I'm also very shy, so a
retail job would be very difficult for me.
-Dave




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