bio mom probs
in [Step Parents]
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From: zputerhanees1 on 17 Feb 2007 23:42 So I have typed on here before about problems with my stepdaughters bio mom. Well I am really upset tonite. My stepdaughters mom has not called in about 2 weeks. My sd's have e-mail and they e-mail some members of their mom's family. Well I guess the older one e-mailed her grandma and mentioned that she had not talked to her mom in a while in the e-mail. About an hour later her mom called, which was great. But then her grandma e-mailed her the next day and said that she talked to their mom and their mom told her that she tries to call and she leaves messages, but she thinks that nobody is getting them! Well we have a house phone, but no answering machine because we mostly use that line for the internet. Nobody can leave a message! And my husband and I have cell phones, but their mom NEVER calls them or leaves messages on them. Whenever she has called the kids it has been on our house phone (even though we have given her the cell #'s) So anyways, my sd asked me why we don't give her messages and I told her we never got any. And I reminded her that our house phone has no answering machine, so it is not possible to leave a message. My sd seemed upset, and I felt bad about the situation. I am really angry at her bio mom for lying to the grandma. Their grandma would not have typed that if the bio mom wouldn't have told her that. Even though their mom has moved across the country and has no family here I have done my best to make sure the kids keep in contact with their moms family. I have had them send b-day cards, e-mails, letters, and make phone calls when they receive presents from their bio moms family. Their mom also e-mailed my older sd saying that next weekend she has a suprise for her and her sister. My sd is under the impression that her mom is going to visit her, but her mom has not talked to me or my husband about visiting the kids next weekend. She has no visitation rights, so technically she is not allowed to just show up. If she called in advance we would have no problem letting her visit the kids if she is coming to town. But I am upset by the idea that she may just show up here expecting to take the kids for a weekend without so much as an advance phone call. When she lived in the same state as us she would often blow off her scheduled visitations, but then just show up other times expecting to take the kids without the courtesy of a phone call. My husband always let her take the kids, because she was here and they saw her and how could we say no in front of them. And I agreed with him because I didn't want to upset the kids. But it was so unfair to us and showed a complete lack of respect for us from her. She needs to respect us and the fact that our lives do not revolve around whatever she wants and that we have custody of the kids and she needs to clear visitation with us prior to just showing up. How should we handle this situation? Any suggestions?
From: Banty on 18 Feb 2007 09:32 In article <1171773745.377366.257670(a)p10g2000cwp.googlegroups.com>, zputerhanees1(a)yahoo.com says... > >So I have typed on here before about problems with my stepdaughters >bio mom. Well I am really upset tonite. My stepdaughters mom has not >called in about 2 weeks. My sd's have e-mail and they e-mail some >members of their mom's family. Well I guess the older one e-mailed >her grandma and mentioned that she had not talked to her mom in a >while in the e-mail. About an hour later her mom called, which was >great. But then her grandma e-mailed her the next day and said that >she talked to their mom and their mom told her that she tries to call >and she leaves messages, but she thinks that nobody is getting them! > >Well we have a house phone, but no answering machine because we mostly >use that line for the internet. Nobody can leave a message! And my >husband and I have cell phones, but their mom NEVER calls them or >leaves messages on them. Whenever she has called the kids it has been >on our house phone (even though we have given her the cell #'s) So, bio mom has three choices to call her bio children. 1. Land line phone ("house phone") - no answering machine, tied up by computer many times. Busy signal. 2. The cell phone of her ex husband. 3. The cell phone of the new wife of her ex husband. OK, now, put yourself in her position. She either gets a busy signal or a no-answer most of the time, or she has to call the man who either divorced her or she divorced and get him to get one of her kids, or she has to call his new woman, and get *her* to get one of her kids. So, it's either a busy signal, or major swallowing of pride for her. Busy signal or beg. C'mon, think on it. Why do you think she tries the land line all the time. Why are you in effect putting yourselves in the middle of her phone calls to them? > >So anyways, my sd asked me why we don't give her messages and I told >her we never got any. And I reminded her that our house phone has no >answering machine, so it is not possible to leave a message. My sd >seemed upset, and I felt bad about the situation. I am really angry >at her bio mom for lying to the grandma. Is she lying? OK, maybe putting a spin on it. Or grandma has gotten a bit of the story mixed up, assuming that her grandchildren can get messages like in just about every other household. Remember this is now third hand information. But it IS true that she can't call them or leave a message with them. She's pretty much expected to call YOU. >Their grandma would not have >typed that if the bio mom wouldn't have told her that. Even though >their mom has moved across the country and has no family here I have >done my best to make sure the kids keep in contact with their moms >family. I have had them send b-day cards, e-mails, letters, and make >phone calls when they receive presents from their bio moms family. >Their mom also e-mailed my older sd saying that next weekend she has a >suprise for her and her sister. My sd is under the impression that >her mom is going to visit her, but her mom has not talked to me or my >husband about visiting the kids next weekend. She has no visitation >rights, so technically she is not allowed to just show up. If she >called in advance we would have no problem letting her visit the kids >if she is coming to town. But I am upset by the idea that she may >just show up here expecting to take the kids for a weekend without so >much as an advance phone call. When she lived in the same state as us >she would often blow off her scheduled visitations, but then just show >up other times expecting to take the kids without the courtesy of a >phone call. Is this expaining why you're OK with her having to call you or your DH to get to her bio kids? Did you think it less likely for her to show up without calling if she didn't call her kids first, and maybe have them forget to tell you or not tell you for any other reason? I'm not sure what to say about all that, but I do see that she's moved farther away, so whatever, this should not be as much of a concern. >My husband always let her take the kids, because she was >here and they saw her and how could we say no in front of them. And I >agreed with him because I didn't want to upset the kids. But it was >so unfair to us and showed a complete lack of respect for us from >her. She needs to respect us and the fact that our lives do not >revolve around whatever she wants and that we have custody of the kids >and she needs to clear visitation with us prior to just showing up. But at this point this should have little to do with the roadblocks in her way to calling. And calling is more personal and rewarding to a lot of people than emails. And she'd of course like to initiate calls, and not just get calls after gifts, etc. Is she to sit by her phone waiting for it to ring? > >How should we handle this situation? Any suggestions? > Another phone line with the answering machine on it, get the computer on a cable broadband and put an answering machine on your land line, get a cell phone for the one or more of the kids (how old are they?). Something that lets her call without it being a major hassle for her. Banty
From: Banty on 18 Feb 2007 09:52 In article <er9o2k01p0s(a)drn.newsguy.com>, Banty says... > .. Is she to sit by her phone waiting for it to ring? > >> >>How should we handle this situation? Any suggestions? >> > >Another phone line with the answering machine on it, get the computer on a cable >broadband and put an answering machine on your land line, get a cell phone for >the one or more of the kids (how old are they?). Something that lets her call >without it being a major hassle for her. > >Banty > Following up to myself... I haven't dealt with a computer on a phone line for some time (and then I had a separate line), but occurs to me that those I know with DSL or still with a dial up connection either have callers go immediately to message if the phone is busy, or have some kind of program to notify of calls on that line, or have VIOP. I'd call your phone provider that you're using for your computer for what your options are. It's so unusual to not be set up for messages somehow that grandma likely assumed messages weren't being relayed whatever the biomom told her. Banty
From: Vicki Robinson on 18 Feb 2007 09:53 In a previous article, zputerhanees1(a)yahoo.com said: > She needs to respect us and the fact that our lives do not >revolve around whatever she wants and that we have custody of the kids >and she needs to clear visitation with us prior to just showing up. First, I agree with Banty. Second, a long time ago on this newsgroup, Jane said that the word "need" should always be prefaced with "I," not "she" or "he." She doesn't *need* to respect you; if she needed that, she'd do it. What you mean by that is that *you* need her to respect you. Or you *want* her to, or *require* her to, or that you *demand* that she respects you. She doesn't *need* to do anything of the sort. When you change the language to more accurately reflect what you mean, you'll come closer to understanding why, perhaps, you're not getting what you want. Vicki -- "I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott
From: Joy on 18 Feb 2007 10:50
"Banty" <Banty_member(a)newsguy.com> wrote in message news:er9o2k01p0s(a)drn.newsguy.com... > In article <1171773745.377366.257670(a)p10g2000cwp.googlegroups.com>, > zputerhanees1(a)yahoo.com says... >> >>So I have typed on here before about problems with my stepdaughters >>bio mom. Well I am really upset tonite. My stepdaughters mom has not >>called in about 2 weeks. My sd's have e-mail and they e-mail some >>members of their mom's family. Well I guess the older one e-mailed >>her grandma and mentioned that she had not talked to her mom in a >>while in the e-mail. About an hour later her mom called, which was >>great. But then her grandma e-mailed her the next day and said that >>she talked to their mom and their mom told her that she tries to call >>and she leaves messages, but she thinks that nobody is getting them! >> >>Well we have a house phone, but no answering machine because we mostly >>use that line for the internet. Nobody can leave a message! And my >>husband and I have cell phones, but their mom NEVER calls them or >>leaves messages on them. Whenever she has called the kids it has been >>on our house phone (even though we have given her the cell #'s) > > So, bio mom has three choices to call her bio children. > > 1. Land line phone ("house phone") - no answering machine, tied up by > computer > many times. Busy signal. > 2. The cell phone of her ex husband. > 3. The cell phone of the new wife of her ex husband. > > OK, now, put yourself in her position. She either gets a busy signal or a > no-answer most of the time, or she has to call the man who either divorced > her > or she divorced and get him to get one of her kids, or she has to call his > new > woman, and get *her* to get one of her kids. > > So, it's either a busy signal, or major swallowing of pride for her. Busy > signal or beg. > > C'mon, think on it. Why do you think she tries the land line all the > time. Why > are you in effect putting yourselves in the middle of her phone calls to > them? I'd also ask if the phone calls go in the other direction - do the kids get to call their mom? Why not arrange a "Tuesday night at 7:30 pm" (or whatever schedule works for both sides) call that the kids can count on? While I've never used any of them and can't make a recommendation, there's about a gazillion of this kind of thing out there that might be really helpful: http://www.buzme.com/ http://www.callwave.com/landing/corp_home_v2e.asp |