being my autistic self
in [Autism]
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From: natureloverchris on 5 Oct 2005 00:09 I think I've been scolded/questioned enough about 'isolating' myself that I don't let myself do it. I'm quite comfortable being alone much of the time but people seem to not like it. earlier this month with the beginning of school I started remembering the earlier years of school. I knew I blocked it out. I'd tried in the past to remember with no success. This time I wasn't trying to remember and it came back. One of my memories is playing quite happily away from the other kids at the bus stop. I remember them noticing me alone and throwing things at me. I was a target. last night at Rosh Hashanah services I sat way off to the side. I was towards the front but I was the only person in that section and being towards the front it was obvious. it was far enough off to the side people didn't want to sit there I guess? it seems people want to bunch together (weird). I could fidget without disrupting anyone and had less people noise and contact. This morning I sat a bit more to the middle - old habits, must not stand out. I wasn't comfortable. it was hard to follow the services, very overloading. After a bit I move to my isolated spot and services were better. I was stimming like mad and didn't stop myself. a bit ago at work my work group went on a field trip. we spent a lot of time in the car. when we were out we were going as a group to check out different sites. I let myself wander away from them at times. I let myself go silent. And then at lunch I sat apart. my coworker/friend asked if I was taking a break, instead of making up an excuse for my isolation (which is what I would have done in the past) I simply said yes. Of course it helped that she asked what she did. we've talked about my issues and this time she got it :) I'm still mostly 'in the closet' about myself. the reality is I was abused at home, at school and in my neighborhood in large part because of my autism. remembering the earlier years of school has been horrible, but maybe it's letting me find myself too. I've lived with fear so long, I never realized I was afraid. I didn't realize how I consistently 'covered' for my difference because it was such an automatic response. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully let down those gaurds, but slowly, bit by bit I'm learning to be more of my autistic self. if I can take that person out of hiding, maybe I can finally learn to like her
From: Jeremy Reece on 5 Oct 2005 07:17 natureloverchris wrote: > I'm still mostly 'in the closet' about myself. the reality is I was > abused at home, at school and in my neighborhood in large part because > of my autism. remembering the earlier years of school has been > horrible, but maybe it's letting me find myself too. I've lived with > fear so long, I never realized I was afraid. I didn't realize how I > consistently 'covered' for my difference because it was such an > automatic response. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully let down > those gaurds, but slowly, bit by bit I'm learning to be more of my > autistic self. if I can take that person out of hiding, maybe I can > finally learn to like her Just smiling and nodding (internally). Sounds cathartic. Jeremy (who has those automatic defenses and cover stories too)
From: SpiderHam77 on 5 Oct 2005 09:46 Chris: Your story is compelling, and I do know that in school today the amount of teasing and abuse doesn't happen. Mainly because autism is reconized at such an early age, and the other kids of the clas are taught about it. My son who sufferes from Autism is in a mainstream class in school, and both him and the other students benefit from him being there. The other kids when they see my son is struggling with some all pitch in to help, and give him the direction he needs to complete a task. And my son follows their lead, and tries to interact as much as possible with the other children. I think complared to 20 years ago when we were all in school there is a huge difference in the amount of tolerance. One thing though, and I'm not trying to put you down, but you as the person who suffers through it need to take the intiative. Hate to say it, but you almost need to be more aware of your surroundings, and take the needed steps that you don't get to the point where you need to stim. And try not to be to upset with people around you if they don't understand whats going on. For the most part alot of people in the current 20yrs or above has never had to deal with an autistic person in mainstream society. I thank the hard work of parents with these children in the past in bringing forth the publicity it has now. And we as parents with autistic children need to carry on the work. There is no need to be in the closet. Simply come out and enjoy life. If you start to have an episode, then pull yourself away for a few min. I know it's hard to redirect on your own. But the more you educate other people around you about whats going on, the more you'll find that upon seeing you in a certain state, they will want to try and help. SpiderHam77
From: Rowe Rickenbacker on 5 Oct 2005 14:47 Jeremy Reece wrote: > natureloverchris wrote: > >> I'm still mostly 'in the closet' about myself. the reality is I was >> abused at home, at school and in my neighborhood in large part >> because of my autism. remembering the earlier years of school has >> been horrible, but maybe it's letting me find myself too. I've >> lived with fear so long, I never realized I was afraid. I think that was what was holding me back too. Realising fear is such a good way of getting past it. Once you realise how it holds you back, you can let go of it and learn to be yourself. Well, easier said than done, but it seems to be okay... >> I didn't realize how I consistently 'covered' for my difference >> because it was such an automatic response. I feel this so much, and I'm glad you put it into words for me, because as silly as it sounds, there seem to be so many parts of myself that I have problems with, and they're as simple as this to describe, but I can never do it until someone else comes up with the right words for me... So thankyou for that. >> I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully let down those guards, >> but slowly, bit by bit I'm learning to be more of my autistic self. >> if I can take that person out of hiding, maybe I can finally learn >> to like her That's what I aim for. I hope you achieve your goal :) > Just smiling and nodding (internally). Sounds cathartic. I've been trying a lot more to figure myself out lately, and despite what appears to be quite a lot of confidence in conversation, I think it's apparent from my constant inability to commit to anything that I'm not a particularly confident person. I can imagine Robin thinking that's a stupid reason to define yourself as "under-confident", but I'll sneak around that by saying it's not the only reason, but the best example I could think of :) Confidence is a scarecrow for bullies. > Jeremy (who has those automatic defenses and cover stories too) Sounds like the KGB :) Tom -- Before taking my post seriously, please take into account that I was probably listening to Molotov when I wrote it.
From: Terry Jones on 5 Oct 2005 17:04
On 4 Oct 2005 21:09:39 -0700, "natureloverchris" <NLChris(a)centurytel.net> wrote: >last night at Rosh Hashanah services I sat way off to the side. I was >towards the front but I was the only person in that section and being >towards the front it was obvious. it was far enough off to the side >people didn't want to sit there I guess? it seems people want to bunch >together (weird). I could fidget without disrupting anyone and had less >people noise and contact. This morning I sat a bit more to the middle - >old habits, must not stand out. I wasn't comfortable. it was hard to >follow the services, very overloading. After a bit I move to my >isolated spot and services were better. I was stimming like mad and >didn't stop myself. We went to a synagogue last month (during the Open House weekend, when a lot of buildings are open to the public) - It was the Bevis Marks Synagogue, the oldest active one in Britain http://www.ottolenghi.org/bevis-marks.htm All the male visitors were provided with a skullcap to wear as we went in. But there was a separate balcony for the women (men on the ground floor) - This is a Sephardic congregation, so I'd assume the one you attend has a different convention (or did you mean that you sat apart in the women's section)? Terry |