being my autistic self
in [Autism]
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From: womby on 6 Oct 2005 15:08 On 4-Oct-2005, "natureloverchris" <NLChris(a)centurytel.net> wrote: Nice post. I see new thoughts here, probably meaning more progress for you in accomodating life. Looking forward to reading more. > I think I've been scolded/questioned enough about 'isolating' myself > that I don't let myself do it. I'm quite comfortable being alone much > of the time but people seem to not like it. earlier this month with the > beginning of school I started remembering the earlier years of school. > I knew I blocked it out. I'd tried in the past to remember with no > success. This time I wasn't trying to remember and it came back. One of > my memories is playing quite happily away from the other kids at the > bus stop. I remember them noticing me alone and throwing things at me. > I was a target. > > last night at Rosh Hashanah services I sat way off to the side. I was > towards the front but I was the only person in that section and being > towards the front it was obvious. it was far enough off to the side > people didn't want to sit there I guess? it seems people want to bunch > together (weird). I could fidget without disrupting anyone and had less > people noise and contact. This morning I sat a bit more to the middle - > old habits, must not stand out. I wasn't comfortable. it was hard to > follow the services, very overloading. After a bit I move to my > isolated spot and services were better. I was stimming like mad and > didn't stop myself. > > a bit ago at work my work group went on a field trip. we spent a lot of > time in the car. when we were out we were going as a group to check out > different sites. I let myself wander away from them at times. I let > myself go silent. And then at lunch I sat apart. my coworker/friend > asked if I was taking a break, instead of making up an excuse for my > isolation (which is what I would have done in the past) I simply said > yes. Of course it helped that she asked what she did. we've talked > about my issues and this time she got it :) > > I'm still mostly 'in the closet' about myself. the reality is I was > abused at home, at school and in my neighborhood in large part because > of my autism. remembering the earlier years of school has been > horrible, but maybe it's letting me find myself too. I've lived with > fear so long, I never realized I was afraid. I didn't realize how I > consistently 'covered' for my difference because it was such an > automatic response. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully let down > those gaurds, but slowly, bit by bit I'm learning to be more of my > autistic self. if I can take that person out of hiding, maybe I can > finally learn to like her
From: Jeremy Reece on 7 Oct 2005 07:33 Rowe Rickenbacker wrote: > Jeremy Reece wrote: > > The guards I have are unbeliveably strong. It's a real relationship > > killer, I've found :( > > Aye. My relationship history is a collection > of Shakespeare plays, complete with comedy, > trajedy, and the hero escaping a sticky > situation by dressing up as a woman ;-) lol... I don't have a collection, only one (who's name you know, obv). Retrospectively viewed, the way 'I' systematically destroyed it, it's not suprising it ended the way it did :( > > The more a person tries to help me through them, the more forcefully > > I resist (subconciously, automatically, even though I tried not to). > > Emotional resistance, even physical resistance if I'm pushed far > > enough. I don't know how I'll ever get through it :/ > > Yeah... I've felt like that more times than > I can count. I've never got around it, and > whenever I become overloaded the only place > I don't shut people out is in here. I can't > explain that, except this is my SH (to Chris) :) Yeah, me too. This group is my escape in so many ways... > > Where is Robin, anyway? > > Well, he posted a couple of things yesterday, > but I don't know where/what he's doing there :) Oh, I didn't see them. Bloody Google makes it so difficult to follow everything. <looking> > > Bloody non-literal phrases... Had to think that one through very > > carefully before I understood it :) You're right though. > > I like throwing in non-literal one-liners, > like a steak in the shark enclosure :) Oi! ....... Oh, yeah... ;) > >> Sounds like the KGB :) > > > > It's a cold, bright day in April... > > and the clocks were striking thirteen? :) No, -1. Jeremy
From: Terry Jones on 8 Oct 2005 08:06 On Sat, 8 Oct 2005 00:37:10 +0100, "The autist formerly known as" <oz(a)ym.andius> wrote: >Does anyone remember the TSR 2 > >I suppose Terry does. Terminate & Stay Resident (in DOS), TSR Games (D&D), The something something? Or the Triumph car? Terry
From: natureloverchris on 10 Oct 2005 01:18 Hylander wrote: > natureloverchris wrote: > > > I think I've been scolded/questioned enough about 'isolating' myself > > that I don't let myself do it. I'm quite comfortable being alone much > > of the time but people seem to not like it. > > Other people don't seem to like being alone themselves or you being > alone? "why are you sitting over there all by yourself' and questions like that have been ingrained in my head > > > earlier this month with the > > beginning of school I started remembering the earlier years of school. > > I knew I blocked it out. I'd tried in the past to remember with no > > success. This time I wasn't trying to remember and it came back. One of > > my memories is playing quite happily away from the other kids at the > > bus stop. I remember them noticing me alone and throwing things at me. > > I was a target. > > That happened to me too. I had very hard chunks of ice. (they squeezed > the snowballs very hard before throwing them. I had wind knocked out of > me. I also had a concussion because a kid actually threw a hammer at my > head and they had to watch me at night to make sure I didn't stop > breathing or get racoon eyes or showed other signs of injury (like > curled wrists and straight ankles) or other signs of "delirium". > (IIRC). I've also been pile driven before and that wasn't fun. :( > > > a bit ago at work my work group went on a field trip. we spent a lot of > > time in the car. when we were out we were going as a group to check out > > different sites. I let myself wander away from them at times. I let > > myself go silent. And then at lunch I sat apart. my coworker/friend > > asked if I was taking a break, instead of making up an excuse for my > > isolation (which is what I would have done in the past) I simply said > > yes. Of course it helped that she asked what she did. we've talked > > about my issues and this time she got it :) > > (ah, answer to earlier question is that people are uncomfortable with > you being alone then...perhaps out of "projection" of their > feelings/false sympathy.). yes... but, I've also gotten alot of "don't you like me/us" "are you mad at us" if I separate myself from a group > > > > > I'm still mostly 'in the closet' about myself. > > Know how that goes. I'm almost to the point of echolalic association > between you and various closets though ;). Is Snoopy's open? :D > hmm... I wonder where the Keeper is? > > the reality is I was > > abused at home, at school and in my neighborhood in large part because > > of my autism. > sing but they are becoming more and more a part of me as life > goes on. > > > if I can take that person out of hiding, maybe I can > > finally learn to like her > > I think I already do....personally speaking. I hope you do too. > Wherever you are at along the journey, you need to accept yourself for > who you are and your circumstances. I often think I could do things > better if I could only go back but I don't really know that I could do > much more than what I did having sometimes revisited a few > opportunities. I don't want to go back exactly. I don't think that would change much. bleh
From: natureloverchris on 10 Oct 2005 01:24
Jeremy Reece wrote: > Rowe Rickenbacker wrote: > > I feel this so much, and I'm glad you put it into words for me, > > because as silly as it sounds, there seem to be so many parts > > of myself that I have problems with, and they're as simple as > > this to describe, but I can never do it until someone else > > comes up with the right words for me... > > > > So thankyou for that. > > Ditto, Chris :) sheesh! > > > >> I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully let down those guards, > > >> but slowly, bit by bit I'm learning to be more of my autistic self. > > >> if I can take that person out of hiding, maybe I can finally learn > > >> to like her > > > > That's what I aim for. I hope you achieve your goal :) > > The guards I have are unbeliveably strong. It's a real relationship > killer, I've found :( > that's for sure! > The more a person tries to help me through them, the more forcefully I > resist (subconciously, automatically, even though I tried not to). > Emotional resistance, even physical resistance if I'm pushed far > enough. I don't know how I'll ever get through it :/ > I'm not sure you ever get completely through it. maybe it's like coping with some of the effects of disability, you find work arounds kev talked about that once, said it much better |