being my autistic self
in [Autism]
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From: natureloverchris on 5 Oct 2005 17:07 :) it was cathardic Jeremy Reece wrote: > natureloverchris wrote: > > I'm still mostly 'in the closet' about myself. the reality is I was > > abused at home, at school and in my neighborhood in large part because > > of my autism. remembering the earlier years of school has been > > horrible, but maybe it's letting me find myself too. I've lived with > > fear so long, I never realized I was afraid. I didn't realize how I > > consistently 'covered' for my difference because it was such an > > automatic response. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully let down > > those gaurds, but slowly, bit by bit I'm learning to be more of my > > autistic self. if I can take that person out of hiding, maybe I can > > finally learn to like her > > Just smiling and nodding (internally). Sounds cathartic. > > Jeremy > (who has those automatic defenses and cover stories too)
From: natureloverchris on 5 Oct 2005 17:13 Terry Jones wrote: > On 4 Oct 2005 21:09:39 -0700, "natureloverchris" > <NLChris(a)centurytel.net> wrote: > > >last night at Rosh Hashanah services I sat way off to the side. I was > >towards the front but I was the only person in that section and being > >towards the front it was obvious. it was far enough off to the side > >people didn't want to sit there I guess? it seems people want to bunch > >together (weird). I could fidget without disrupting anyone and had less > >people noise and contact. This morning I sat a bit more to the middle - > >old habits, must not stand out. I wasn't comfortable. it was hard to > >follow the services, very overloading. After a bit I move to my > >isolated spot and services were better. I was stimming like mad and > >didn't stop myself. > > We went to a synagogue last month (during the Open House weekend, when > a lot of buildings are open to the public) - It was the Bevis Marks > Synagogue, the oldest active one in Britain > http://www.ottolenghi.org/bevis-marks.htm > All the male visitors were provided with a skullcap to wear as we went > in. wow it looks fancy > > But there was a separate balcony for the women (men on the ground > floor) - This is a Sephardic congregation, so I'd assume the one you > attend has a different convention (or did you mean that you sat apart > in the women's section)? > that usually has more to do with the orthodoxy then with it's serphardic or ashkanazic. orthodox judaism is the 'fundamental' judaism and they keep all the rules. reform/conservative have a more open interpretation of the rules. the difference between sephardic/ashkenazic is more to do with culture (language, food, the smaller/home traditions). I'm ashkenazic and reform. not have a good day with words, hope this made sense
From: natureloverchris on 5 Oct 2005 17:23 SpiderHam77 wrote: > Chris: > > Your story is compelling, and I do know that in school today the > amount of teasing and abuse doesn't happen. Mainly because autism is > reconized at such an early age, and the other kids of the clas are > taught about it. > > My son who sufferes from Autism is in a mainstream class in school, > and both him and the other students benefit from him being there. The > other kids when they see my son is struggling with some all pitch in to > help, and give him the direction he needs to complete a task. it sounds like a good situation. I'm not sure it's better everywhere but I'm glad progress is being made > > And my son follows their lead, and tries to interact as much as > possible with the other children. I think complared to 20 years ago > when we were all in school there is a huge difference in the amount of > tolerance. > I hope so > One thing though, and I'm not trying to put you down, but you as the > person who suffers through it need to take the intiative. Hate to say > it, but you almost need to be more aware of your surroundings, and take > the needed steps that you don't get to the point where you need to > stim. > ummm... I've been trying to think how to reply and I'm still lost. I stim almost all the time. I stim when happy, tired, excited, concentrating and overloaded. Part of being more myself is letting myself stim. if I'm not disrupting other people why should I have to stop? I don't make loud stims in settings like that and by moving a bit away from people it was even less likely that I would 'bother' people. it almost seems like you are saying stims are bad. I was aware of my surroundsing, that's why I moved further from people. I was aware I was exhausted and was not going to able to inhibit my stims. my only option for not stimming on Rosh Hashana day would have been to not go. I was proud of myself because I *did* take initiative to meet my needs. for one of the first times I let myself sit where I was going to be confortable. I let myself stim. I let myself be myself. > And try not to be to upset with people around you if they don't > understand whats going on. For the most part alot of people in the > current 20yrs or above has never had to deal with an autistic person in > mainstream society. > I don't expect understanding. I'm shocked if I get it. > I thank the hard work of parents with these children in the past in > bringing forth the publicity it has now. And we as parents with > autistic children need to carry on the work. > And I thank the hard work of autistics like Larry, Joel, Terry and Amanda > There is no need to be in the closet. Simply come out and enjoy > life. If you start to have an episode, then pull yourself away for a > few min. I know it's hard to redirect on your own. But the more you > educate other people around you about whats going on, the more you'll > find that upon seeing you in a certain state, they will want to try and > help. > I'm getting such a mixed message from this post. "don't be in the closet" but then you talk about pulling away if I have an episode. what do you mean by episode? if stimming is an 'episode' it seems you do want me to live in the closet. and late me restate, I do manage my stims. I don't do loud stims in public. I don't do things I know are distracting (like pacing, throwing things, etc) chris
From: Terry Jones on 5 Oct 2005 18:12 On Wed, 05 Oct 2005 19:47:14 +0100, Rowe Rickenbacker <rowerickenbacker(a)blueyonder.co.uk> wrote: >I think that was what was holding me back too. Realising fear >is such a good way of getting past it. Once you realise how it >holds you back, you can let go of it and learn to be yourself. As long as it *is* genuinely fear that's holding you back - and not simply assuming that, based on NT norms and expectations. There are many other reasons for avoiding things - That you don't actually get much worthwhile out of them, or that the "costs" are usually too high, or that you've learned that however hard you try you can't realistically cope with them. None of these are the result of "fear", even though the psychs (and amateurs) tend to use terms like "phobia" - just because *they* can't imagine anyone not liking / being able to do these things. That's why I tend to be rather skeptical about diagnoses like "social phobia" - It may be a genuine phobia in some cases, but (especially, though not exclusively, with autistics), the alternative reasons should be looked before deciding that it *must* be an exaggerated and irrational avoidance. Terry
From: Hylander on 5 Oct 2005 18:33
natureloverchris wrote: > I think I've been scolded/questioned enough about 'isolating' myself > that I don't let myself do it. I'm quite comfortable being alone much > of the time but people seem to not like it. Other people don't seem to like being alone themselves or you being alone? > earlier this month with the > beginning of school I started remembering the earlier years of school. > I knew I blocked it out. I'd tried in the past to remember with no > success. This time I wasn't trying to remember and it came back. One of > my memories is playing quite happily away from the other kids at the > bus stop. I remember them noticing me alone and throwing things at me. > I was a target. That happened to me too. I had very hard chunks of ice. (they squeezed the snowballs very hard before throwing them. I had wind knocked out of me. I also had a concussion because a kid actually threw a hammer at my head and they had to watch me at night to make sure I didn't stop breathing or get racoon eyes or showed other signs of injury (like curled wrists and straight ankles) or other signs of "delirium". (IIRC). I've also been pile driven before and that wasn't fun. > > last night at Rosh Hashanah services I sat way off to the side. I was > towards the front but I was the only person in that section and being > towards the front it was obvious. it was far enough off to the side > people didn't want to sit there I guess? it seems people want to bunch > together (weird). I could fidget without disrupting anyone and had less > people noise and contact. This morning I sat a bit more to the middle - > old habits, must not stand out. I wasn't comfortable. it was hard to > follow the services, very overloading. After a bit I move to my > isolated spot and services were better. I was stimming like mad and > didn't stop myself. Sounds like me at work earlier today. > a bit ago at work my work group went on a field trip. we spent a lot of > time in the car. when we were out we were going as a group to check out > different sites. I let myself wander away from them at times. I let > myself go silent. And then at lunch I sat apart. my coworker/friend > asked if I was taking a break, instead of making up an excuse for my > isolation (which is what I would have done in the past) I simply said > yes. Of course it helped that she asked what she did. we've talked > about my issues and this time she got it :) (ah, answer to earlier question is that people are uncomfortable with you being alone then...perhaps out of "projection" of their feelings/false sympathy.). > > I'm still mostly 'in the closet' about myself. Know how that goes. I'm almost to the point of echolalic association between you and various closets though ;). Is Snoopy's open? :D > the reality is I was > abused at home, at school and in my neighborhood in large part because > of my autism. Sadly, I was just judged oddly and at times for how staunch my parents were in making me think certain ways. I didn't know better because no one told me any better for example to not tell all the kids who brought coffee in thermoses at school that they couldn't drink them. Some things I feel were incomplete teaching and explanations. My friend Jim went through a period where his parents pretty much didn't think he could do anything so they didn't teach him anything. It was up to me and other family to teach him basic things like tying shoes. He was very very grateful for being taught by his inlaws and things like "how to swim"/survive in water etc etc. (he also shows bad signs of Cushings Syndrome (and I have a slight bit of it myself) so it was hard for him) He also is diabetic and his parents never really took care of that either. They just treated him like a special kid that all they needed to do was diaper and feed him. Some autistics do not get the smartest of families. Mine wasn't all that smart either except basic street smarts. My father didn't even have a diploma. My mother however had a college degree and pushed me to get mine and even used her "perseverations" to teach me. (ie: spelling and reading certain books that she liked) > remembering the earlier years of school has been > horrible, Pretty bad here too. I don't know if it would be better to have a label or not in school ... seems I know enough people on both sides of the childhood diagnosis fence that it was bad childhood either way. I do think a label is better but that's perhaps because I believe the grass might be greener on the other side. > but maybe it's letting me find myself too. I've lived with > fear so long, I never realized I was afraid. I didn't realize how I > consistently 'covered' for my difference because it was such an > automatic response. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully let down > those gaurds, but slowly, bit by bit I'm learning to be more of my > autistic self. As one person I know would say "Being myself is not "regressing"". I do know some people who will get downright mean if you stim in public when you didn't before so I basically have no new or visible stims since I've been without a label so long that I've got my mask ingrained in me. I do however have some slow "naturalizations" (for myself) that are not regressing but they are becoming more and more a part of me as life goes on. > if I can take that person out of hiding, maybe I can > finally learn to like her I think I already do....personally speaking. I hope you do too. Wherever you are at along the journey, you need to accept yourself for who you are and your circumstances. I often think I could do things better if I could only go back but I don't really know that I could do much more than what I did having sometimes revisited a few opportunities. |