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From: ericka.lynn.rojas on 29 Jan 2008 00:05
Hi. I lost my dad...the most important person in my life...almost one
month ago and I am having difficulty finding a way to grieve. i think
it may be the lack of experience many of my friends and family have on
this subject. i am only twenty years old and finishing my last year in
undergraduate. i am going to law school next year and i seem to find
myself overwhelmed as the days go by. he was my rock and with him gone
i feel at a loss. i was wondering if anyone has had a similar
situation and could talk with me. my dad was only 44 years old and
died of liver cancer...we only knew about it exactly one month before
he died.
From: Cindy's Mom on 29 Jan 2008 19:07
On Jan 28, 10:05 pm, ericka.lynn.ro...(a)gmail.com wrote:
> Hi. I lost my dad...the most important person in my life...almost one
> month ago and I am having difficulty finding a way to grieve. i think
> it may be the lack of experience many of my friends and family have on
> this subject. i am only twenty years old and finishing my last year in
> undergraduate. i am going to law school next year and i seem to find
> myself overwhelmed as the days go by. he was my rock and with him gone
> i feel at a loss. i was wondering if anyone has had a similar
> situation and could talk with me. my dad was only 44 years old and
> died of liver cancer...we only knew about it exactly one month before
> he died.

First let me say I am so sorry for your loss.the loss of a father is
so emotional for a daughter, for if you have a good Dad, no one will
ever take his place. I didn't loose my father until I was in my early
30's but it was still a really difficult experiece for me. Don't be
afraid to seek out a support group or grief group to help you through
these difficult days. I lost my daughter 15 months ago and joined a
grief group at my church which really helped me get through the worst
days.Like you, most of my friends hadn't experienced a loss of this
type and were unable to identify with me at this difficult time.
Posting on this web site helps and reading others struggles seems to
help us know we are not alone. Hugs to you and you are in my
thoughts..Judy, Cindy's Mom.
From: Daniel on 29 Jan 2008 19:33
On Mon, 28 Jan 2008 21:05:31 -0800 (PST), ericka.lynn.rojas(a)gmail.com
wrote:

>Hi. I lost my dad...the most important person in my life...almost one
>month ago and I am having difficulty finding a way to grieve. i think
>it may be the lack of experience many of my friends and family have on
>this subject. i am only twenty years old and finishing my last year in
>undergraduate. i am going to law school next year and i seem to find
>myself overwhelmed as the days go by. he was my rock and with him gone
>i feel at a loss. i was wondering if anyone has had a similar
>situation and could talk with me. my dad was only 44 years old and
>died of liver cancer...we only knew about it exactly one month before
>he died.

I am so sorry about your loss of your father. Words fail.

I lost my own father in September of 2005 from leiomyosarcoma -- a
soft-tissue cancer. He had metastases to the liver and that was what
developed fastest and took his life. In my own case at my age (50
now, and with children around your age) it was hard enough to lose my
Dad, even though I could try to tell myself he "had lived a full life"
(that's never a real consolation). In your case it must be so, so
hard every day. I'm sorry.

You are not alone. It's not just you and your friends & family who
have a hard time with the whole grief and loss thing. For one thing,
it is pretty common for us to be kind of numb during the first days
after our loss. But then the pain and disorientation increase as we
begin to get a hint of the everydayness of life without the one we
love. I thought I was going insane because it was starting to hurt
*more* not less as the days went by.

Oh and this is important: I want to say right at the beginning that
the love endures. I found my way to this group about a month after my
Mom died of a sudden heart attack. That was June 2000. I still love
her. And I deeply and firmly believe her love for me endures. My
parents' love is one of the "constants" in my life. The challenge is
to find our own ways of going on loving in spite of the fact that the
one we love is absent from us.

For another thing, our society is all wrapped up with trying to focus
on wealth, health, youth -- the last thing most people want to think
about is grief. So it's no wonder we're overwhelmed! Here we are all
of a sudden tossed into this horrible thing we didn't want and are not
prepared for in any way. The panic situation hits, and one of the
most frightening things is that I did not "rise to the occassion" but
reverted (as we all do, I guess) to my level of basic habit. Well, my
habit was "when the going gets rough, call Mom" (or Dad). And now
that was not an option. In fact I *still* have times when my hand
reaches for the phone out of habit and I *almost* try to call Mom.

Anyway. It sounds like you've got an awful lot on your plate right
now, with school and making changes and decisions, even without having
to hack you way through the uncharted wilderness of grief. Grief can
be very time-consuming. There have been a lot of times when I wished
I had the time to make grief my full-time occupation. When I shut
things out, when I defer and put it off, then those "grief issues"
come back and blindside me later.

I am sorry I did not reply sooner. I don't get the time or have the
energy to read/reply every day. But don't give up on the group. We're
all going through this together. This group really saved my life
after Mom died, and some of those people are still around (Hi Jo!, Hi
Daisy! for example). So this group may not be super active right now,
but it is a valuable resource of caring and experience.

I hope you are able to take care of yourself well enough. Living in a
dorm? Friends giving up on you "snapping out of it" yet? Don't
despair. Try to find a little time to yourself to try to remember
some of the good memories from before his diagnosis. I hope that in
time you will be able to smile again sometimes and feel his love all
around you.

Please let us know how you are doing when you feel up to it.

Peace to you and all those you love,
--
Daniel ( deltaechomike(a)usa.net )
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