Wife just doesn't really seem to get it
in [Marriage]
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From: undefinedbackslasher on 4 Aug 2008 16:44 Hey all, I hope that this doesn't seem like I'm wife bashing but I have a serious problem. Well here goes.... About a year ago my wife was working full time at an office job when she suddenly decided that she needed to stay at home with our son (which I was in agreement). Money was going to be tight so we started to cut back. My wife told me that she was having them deposit the remaining VAC time plus a bonus into our checking account. I asked about the bonus, but was told that it was since she separated from the temp agency after 6 months and they gave a bonus for this type of thing. Needless to say the money was deposited, but from a funny account that I've never seen before. Early the next week before I had gotten a chance to look into this deposit money from the same company was debited from my account (as a side note this is my account and not my wife's). Asking my wife about these transactions got me no where. So I did my own research at the bank and found to my surprise these where not from my wife's ex-employer but a cash advance company!!! I went back to my wife and asked her again after confronting her with the proof she finally admitted that when she quite that she signed up for these using my account. It took alot of work to move on from this but we did it. Not too long ago with things being caught up I started looking into a new car for myself. When I was doing some research on the internet I found in the auto complete in Firefox had several credit card applications in the address and Google search. My wife had applied for 15 new credit cards (in varying names). We blew up at each other and I let her know that this was not acceptable and calmed down. Her aurgument was we needed the extra money/credit for emergency's. We came to the agreement that any card that would come in would be destroyed as it is not needed and we are trying to get out of the red. Fast forward to recently... I purchased a used (03) car that I am quite proud of. One night I came home from a very long day at the office and didn't feel like cooking so I went to get dinner out for the family. I took my wife's car. When I came back to the house I parked her car where it normally gets parked and headed inside. After dinner and putting our son to bed I stepped outside for a smoke (I know bad habit) when I noticed that my wife's car was GONE!!! I freaked out thinking that her car was stolen. I ran inside and told her to call the police. She did (reluctantly) and found that the car was stolen. I immediately asked why and had to pull several teeth before I got the whole story. She had not paid her car payment in two months and the money I had given her for my and her cars for last month never made it to the bank. Needless to say that she and I are not on good terms and to top it off I found a credit card (with her mother's name on it) in her purse when she asked me to grab the debit card. I called her mother before I asked her and her mother doesn't own this card. She admitted after I let her know that I spoke with her mother that she had applied for the card using her mother's name. I am hurt and don't know what to do. Trust is a huge issue now and money is out of control. Any advice is appreciated.
From: Vickie on 4 Aug 2008 16:59 <undefinedbackslasher(a)gmail.com> wrote in message news:ba43dc8c-96f2-41ad-a13d-6238f96dded5(a)34g2000hsh.googlegroups.com... > Hey all, > > I hope that this doesn't seem like I'm wife bashing but I have a > serious problem. Well here goes.... > > About a year ago my wife was working full time at an office job when > she suddenly decided that she needed to stay at home with our son > (which I was in agreement). Money was going to be tight so we started > to cut back. My wife told me that she was having them deposit the > remaining VAC time plus a bonus into our checking account. I asked > about the bonus, but was told that it was since she separated from the > temp agency after 6 months and they gave a bonus for this type of > thing. Needless to say the money was deposited, but from a funny > account that I've never seen before. Early the next week before I had > gotten a chance to look into this deposit money from the same company > was debited from my account (as a side note this is my account and not > my wife's). Asking my wife about these transactions got me no where. > So I did my own research at the bank and found to my surprise these > where not from my wife's ex-employer but a cash advance company!!! I > went back to my wife and asked her again after confronting her with > the proof she finally admitted that when she quite that she signed up > for these using my account. It took alot of work to move on from this > but we did it. > > Not too long ago with things being caught up I started looking into a > new car for myself. When I was doing some research on the internet I > found in the auto complete in Firefox had several credit card > applications in the address and Google search. My wife had applied for > 15 new credit cards (in varying names). We blew up at each other and I > let her know that this was not acceptable and calmed down. Her > aurgument was we needed the extra money/credit for emergency's. We > came to the agreement that any card that would come in would be > destroyed as it is not needed and we are trying to get out of the red. > > Fast forward to recently... I purchased a used (03) car that I am > quite proud of. One night I came home from a very long day at the > office and didn't feel like cooking so I went to get dinner out for > the family. I took my wife's car. When I came back to the house I > parked her car where it normally gets parked and headed inside. After > dinner and putting our son to bed I stepped outside for a smoke (I > know bad habit) when I noticed that my wife's car was GONE!!! I > freaked out thinking that her car was stolen. I ran inside and told > her to call the police. She did (reluctantly) and found that the car > was stolen. I immediately asked why and had to pull several teeth > before I got the whole story. She had not paid her car payment in two > months and the money I had given her for my and her cars for last > month never made it to the bank. > > Needless to say that she and I are not on good terms and to top it off > I found a credit card (with her mother's name on it) in her purse when > she asked me to grab the debit card. I called her mother before I > asked her and her mother doesn't own this card. She admitted after I > let her know that I spoke with her mother that she had applied for the > card using her mother's name. > > I am hurt and don't know what to do. Trust is a huge issue now and > money is out of control. Any advice is appreciated. Do you know where or what the money is spent on, that it never reaches your account? Dang, using her mom's name! Isn't that fraud? I wonder if she has never had to pinch pennies before. Some people tend to think - when out of money - just take it where you can get it. I think financial problems can break a marriage apart quickly. Maybe if you guys got in touch with a company that helps with making your family budget, she can get the information she needs to help her understand the kind of financial crisis she is taking you both toward, let alone a broken marriage. Oh, and it is totally understandable about your lack of trust. Sad, but understandable. Vickie
From: mom0f4boys on 4 Aug 2008 18:08 Undefined, I don't know how feasible this would be, but if I was in your situation, I would approach it like this: "Okay, the money/credit situation is out of hand. I'm upset and you're upset, and we're upset about different things. We won't be able to dig out of this if we aren't on the same page. Let's separate the two problems... emotions and money. We don't have to do both things at once. It's not fair to keep me in the dark about finances. Please lay everything on the table right now, because I can't take any more surprises. Let's talk about the money thing without getting upset, and agree to keep emotions out of it while we make a plan. We do need to talk about the dishonesty and figure out what is going wrong between us, but let's have that be a separate discussion. We HAVE to get hold of the finances." I could be wrong, but my guess is that your wife (whether rightly or wrongly) feels something negative and doesn't trust you enough to share. And every time she f&%'s up with the money, she ties those feelings into it as a justification or a defense. I don't envy you. This is serious stuff. My mom married a guy who had a gambling problem, and he racked up over 100 grand in debt, and she was afraid of losing her home. Work on the communication, because that is the big thing here... you aren't getting the information you need, you keep getting these surprise bombs dropped on you. Granted, it is your wife with the communication problem, but you can still work on it. And the first thing that comes to my mind is to promise her that you will keep anger and any other feelings out of financial discussions. This may sound strange, but I would also suggest that you try to elicit a promise from her of no more lies. Ask her if she would like a promise from you about anything. And if/when you guys hit on mutual promises.... say them out loud, and seal them with a handshake. Handshakes and promises are pretty good currency to most people, even liars. Good luck, undefined Amy
From: Bill in Co on 4 Aug 2008 23:08 mom0f4boys wrote: > Undefined, > I don't know how feasible this would be, but if I was in your > situation, I would approach it like this: > "Okay, the money/credit situation is out of hand. But WHY would it even get to that stage? Where is common sense?
From: Tai on 5 Aug 2008 07:55
undefinedbackslasher(a)gmail.com wrote: > Hey all, > > I hope that this doesn't seem like I'm wife bashing but I have a > serious problem. Well here goes.... I'm sorry to say that your wife is a thief and a liar and her criminal activity will probably ruin your credit and your good name and may result in you being charged with being an accessory to fraud and identity theft yourself. It may be that your wife is more mad than bad but the net effect on you will be the same if you don't separate your finances as soon as possible. If I was you I'd seek specialised legal and financial advice to protect yourself and your half of whatever joint marital money you have left. At this stage you may now have only marital debt but you need to make sure that doesn't increase for your sake and that of your son. Your wife sounds out of control - has she had problems with debt in the past before the first incident you reported? Do you know where the money is going? If you can't see any sign of what it might have been spent on do you think she could be gambling or taking drugs? You could try to demand full-disclosure but I doubt whether you'll get it so you'd be best to investigate your and her credit as carefully as you can. I think you should also advise all her family members and friends to do so as well, as humiliating as that will be for you both. She cannot be trusted so it's simple, don't. What is much harder is how you'll get her to stop behaving like this. Protect yourself financially first, then see what you can do to help her. At the rate she's going she'll end up in prison and you'll be separated soon, anyway. Can you forgive her? I'm pretty sure that one would be a deal breaker for me. My sympathies! |