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From: Danny Banks on 4 Jan 2006 00:49
I can't believe this is day 67 in Hospice.... my wife Linda had surgery in
October for what they thought was ovarian cancer, but turned out it was
PMP - cancer of the appendix, very rare, no cure. They sent her to Hospice
to die on October 28 only expecting her to live a couple of weeks not being
able to eat or heal from the surgery (removed ovaries and tubes) but she's
still hanging on after almost 10 weeks, a good 13 weeks without eating
anything, she's gone from 190lbs to less than 100..... they are keeping her
comfortable with the morphine, but how long can I sit and watch her die?
Thanksgiving was bad, our 29th Wedding anniversary on Dec 18th, then
Christmas, and now New Years. I took off work (without pay) to spend
whatever time she had left with her, but have had to go back to work this
week, so hard to try and pretend everything's OK when it's not..... I feel
like I've already gone through a lot of the stages of grief, but know it's
going to start all over when she does die, we have 4 granddaughters that I
need to be strong for, but I feel like dying myself. Anyone have any words
of hope? I feel like part of me is being ripped out.
Danny


From: Paul C. on 4 Jan 2006 08:06
"Danny Banks" <dannybanks(a)mindspring.com> wrote in
news:XlJuf.2401$%W1.149(a)newsread2.news.atl.earthlink.net:

> I can't believe this is day 67 in Hospice.... my wife Linda had
> surgery in October for what they thought was ovarian cancer, but
> turned out it was PMP - cancer of the appendix, very rare, no cure.
> They sent her to Hospice to die on October 28 only expecting her to
> live a couple of weeks not being able to eat or heal from the surgery
> (removed ovaries and tubes) but she's still hanging on after almost 10
> weeks, a good 13 weeks without eating anything, she's gone from 190lbs
> to less than 100..... they are keeping her comfortable with the
> morphine, but how long can I sit and watch her die? Thanksgiving was
> bad, our 29th Wedding anniversary on Dec 18th, then Christmas, and now
> New Years. I took off work (without pay) to spend whatever time she
> had left with her, but have had to go back to work this week, so hard
> to try and pretend everything's OK when it's not..... I feel like I've
> already gone through a lot of the stages of grief, but know it's going
> to start all over when she does die, we have 4 granddaughters that I
> need to be strong for, but I feel like dying myself. Anyone have any
> words of hope? I feel like part of me is being ripped out.
> Danny


Words of hope....well it's hard to say. Yesterday was the one year
anniversary of our lives being sent for a loop, the initial diagnosis of
inoperable cancer in my Mother with no real knowledge of how long we had.
(it was a really nice way to start last year, wasn't it) Turned out it
was 99 days that 3 members of our family spent in Hospice waiting for the
inevitable. If it's like what we have hopefully there are councilors &
other people there that can help you out. There are also numerous books
available with advice on how to deal with grief.(I found books by Alan D.
Wolfelt to be sensible & comforting) It's going to be hell, I know, 9
months later & I still feel rotten but with help from family, friends &
outside counciling you can survive. Try not to leave anything unsaid if
you can as it can eat at you later in life, all the "why didn't I say
this, do this, etc"

I appologize if this wasn't that helpful but I'm no expert, just another
person who was forced to face the knowledge of how fragile life can be &
how powerless we are at times. Just know that there are others out there
who have shared similiar experiences & many are willing to both listen &
talk with you. I think you should keep this link:

http://www.groww.org/chat/gr.shtml

You most likely wont have time to use it yet but when you do it provides
online chatrooms for people who have to deal with losing a loved one. I'm
a stranger to you but I wish you well just the same. I met many people
during my times spent in the hospital & it's a very sad situation indeed.
From: Beth M on 4 Jan 2006 18:42
"Danny Banks" <dannybanks(a)mindspring.com> wrote
> a good 13 weeks without eating anything, she's gone from 190lbs to less
> than 100..... they are keeping her comfortable with the morphine, but how
> long can I sit and watch her die?

How is it possible to not have food for 13 weeks and still be alive? She
must be getting liquid nutrition, no? What will possibly happen is that
soon she will slip into a coma as her organs get worse. Do you have a
living will? If not, is she still conscious? thinking reasonably
straight? If yes, write up a living will. If the coma state comes you can
help her along faster by stopping any nutrients. I'm sorry for your pain
and what sounds like eventual loss. 13 weeks though is a long time if she
isn't getting any help to stay alive.



From: Danny Banks on 11 Jan 2006 19:21

Linda passed away Monday the 9th, day 73 at Hospice. She struggled for
every breath that day, not conscious for the last four days, so her long
struggle is over, now mine can start, I have to go back to work on Monday,
I'm sure the weeks and months ahead I will be missing her in ways I don't
even know yet.

Danny


"Paul C." <Paul_C_NB(a)yahoo.canospam> wrote in message
news:Xns97415C92F9196xxxxttttyyyyxxxxx(a)198.164.200.20...
> "Danny Banks" <dannybanks(a)mindspring.com> wrote in
> news:XlJuf.2401$%W1.149(a)newsread2.news.atl.earthlink.net:
>
>> I can't believe this is day 67 in Hospice.... my wife Linda had
>> surgery in October for what they thought was ovarian cancer, but
>> turned out it was PMP - cancer of the appendix, very rare, no cure.
>> They sent her to Hospice to die on October 28 only expecting her to
>> live a couple of weeks not being able to eat or heal from the surgery
>> (removed ovaries and tubes) but she's still hanging on after almost 10
>> weeks, a good 13 weeks without eating anything, she's gone from 190lbs
>> to less than 100..... they are keeping her comfortable with the
>> morphine, but how long can I sit and watch her die? Thanksgiving was
>> bad, our 29th Wedding anniversary on Dec 18th, then Christmas, and now
>> New Years. I took off work (without pay) to spend whatever time she
>> had left with her, but have had to go back to work this week, so hard
>> to try and pretend everything's OK when it's not..... I feel like I've
>> already gone through a lot of the stages of grief, but know it's going
>> to start all over when she does die, we have 4 granddaughters that I
>> need to be strong for, but I feel like dying myself. Anyone have any
>> words of hope? I feel like part of me is being ripped out.
>> Danny
>
>
> Words of hope....well it's hard to say. Yesterday was the one year
> anniversary of our lives being sent for a loop, the initial diagnosis of
> inoperable cancer in my Mother with no real knowledge of how long we had.
> (it was a really nice way to start last year, wasn't it) Turned out it
> was 99 days that 3 members of our family spent in Hospice waiting for the
> inevitable. If it's like what we have hopefully there are councilors &
> other people there that can help you out. There are also numerous books
> available with advice on how to deal with grief.(I found books by Alan D.
> Wolfelt to be sensible & comforting) It's going to be hell, I know, 9
> months later & I still feel rotten but with help from family, friends &
> outside counciling you can survive. Try not to leave anything unsaid if
> you can as it can eat at you later in life, all the "why didn't I say
> this, do this, etc"
>
> I appologize if this wasn't that helpful but I'm no expert, just another
> person who was forced to face the knowledge of how fragile life can be &
> how powerless we are at times. Just know that there are others out there
> who have shared similiar experiences & many are willing to both listen &
> talk with you. I think you should keep this link:
>
> http://www.groww.org/chat/gr.shtml
>
> You most likely wont have time to use it yet but when you do it provides
> online chatrooms for people who have to deal with losing a loved one. I'm
> a stranger to you but I wish you well just the same. I met many people
> during my times spent in the hospital & it's a very sad situation indeed.


From: Paul C. on 11 Jan 2006 21:38
"Danny Banks" <dannybanks(a)mindspring.com> wrote in
news:8ihxf.6313$ZA2.21(a)newsread1.news.atl.earthlink.net:

>
> Linda passed away Monday the 9th, day 73 at Hospice. She struggled
> for every breath that day, not conscious for the last four days, so
> her long struggle is over, now mine can start, I have to go back to
> work on Monday, I'm sure the weeks and months ahead I will be missing
> her in ways I don't even know yet.
>
> Danny


Sorry for your loss :(, I wish you strength in the long days ahead. Grief
is exhausting work at times so don't be afraid to ask for help of those
around you.
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