Wife having affair - what can I do
in [Marriage]
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From: jhrvy73 on 14 Nov 2005 19:51 Evening, My wife and I have been married for 2 years. About 7 weeks ago I found out she was having an affair (she told me about it). They have continued to see each other for the past 7 weeks and she says she loves him. He is in love with her and has talked about them getting married etc. She also says she loves me too and can't make a decision. We have a 18 month old girl which is probably one reason we are still together today. We have not seperated and fight alot when we see each other. She communicates with him in front of me and is visiting him now. I have tried to give her the freedom she needs but it seems the more time they spend together the closer they get. I love her with all my heart and know that with her commitment back on this marriage that we can make it work. Counseling is needed and lots of work and dedication. How does someone handle a situation like this? The emotions running through me knowing she can't seem to make a decision for me, knowing that she is with him right now, are unbearable. I believe in God and pray alot, but am looking for any advice you may have. Thanks, Jack
From: J&Y on 14 Nov 2005 22:53 Jack ..Sorry to be rough on ya.. But in order to tell you what I think, I must be harsh and to the point. OPEN MINDS have way more OPTIONS than closed minds...Read on if you dare.. Well for starters..stop all the praying...I mean really.. Its a little behind the times as a "language" to explain the universe don't ya think? Try Quantum Physics or someother advanced mode of thinking, It just may clear the mind.. Now, I will add, NO OFFENCE TO god Lovein people But It tends to Cloud the brain a bit. Try Continueing to Love as you always have, accept ALL about her [ or its Not Unconditional love right?] and SET HER FREE, try reading up on Options..try the url below.. and hey, I'm a SPIRITUAL person, I just DO not need a tranlater for my "god" if you must persist in calling Everything in the universe we do not understand that.. http://www.openweave.org/NCPoly/PolyTerms.html Yes I am NOT AMERICAN can you tell?
From: Casey on 15 Nov 2005 00:42 jhrvy73 said > > My wife and I have been married for 2 years. About 7 weeks ago I found > out she was having an affair (she told me about it). They have > continued to see each other for the past 7 weeks and she says she loves > him. He is in love with her and has talked about them getting married > etc. > > She also says she loves me too and can't make a decision. We have a 18 > month old girl which is probably one reason we are still together > today. We have not seperated and fight alot when we see each other. > She communicates with him in front of me and is visiting him now. I > have tried to give her the freedom she needs but it seems the more time > they spend together the closer they get. So basically you are enabling her to continue the affair? > I love her with all my heart and know that with her commitment back on > this marriage that we can make it work. Counseling is needed and lots > of work and dedication. Yes, you are right. However, it doesn't sound like she has any intention of making a commitment ... to you at least (although she made one to you two years ago that she has already brazenly broken). > How does someone handle a situation like this? The emotions running > through me knowing she can't seem to make a decision for me, knowing > that she is with him right now, are unbearable. I believe in God and > pray alot, but am looking for any advice you may have. The short answer is that you can't handle a situation like this. You are miserable because you are allowing her to sleep with another man while you sit around and hope she suddenly "sees the light" and re- commits to you (for what that is worth). I have more than a clue about how you feel. I ended up in a situation not all that different from yours and that was probably the low point of my life. The emotions are unbearable because you are experiencing open betrayal. Been there, done that. I'm not much on ultimatums, but it sounds like it is time for one. She has to break off all contact with her new toy and agree to go to counseling and work on rebuilding your marriage ... or the marriage is over. It doesn't look like you have a lot to lose at this point. I really feel for you ... and your little girl. Keep your daughter foremost in your mind and prepare for the worst just in case. Casey
From: Tai on 15 Nov 2005 00:51 jhrvy73 wrote: > Evening, > > My wife and I have been married for 2 years. About 7 weeks ago I > found out she was having an affair (she told me about it). They have > continued to see each other for the past 7 weeks and she says she > loves him. He is in love with her and has talked about them getting > married etc. > > She also says she loves me too and can't make a decision. We have a > 18 month old girl which is probably one reason we are still together > today. We have not seperated and fight alot when we see each other. > She communicates with him in front of me and is visiting him now. I > have tried to give her the freedom she needs but it seems the more > time they spend together the closer they get. > > I love her with all my heart and know that with her commitment back on > this marriage that we can make it work. Counseling is needed and lots > of work and dedication. > > How does someone handle a situation like this? The emotions running > through me knowing she can't seem to make a decision for me, knowing > that she is with him right now, are unbearable. I believe in God and > pray alot, but am looking for any advice you may have. Please have a look at this site: www.marriagebuilders.com Pay particular attention to the sections covering the stages of infidelity and see if they help you work out how you want to proceed. At the moment you appear to be giving your wife permission to treat you as if you don't matter and to string you along while she enjoys making up her mind. Tai
From: Tracey on 15 Nov 2005 06:03
jhrvy73 wrote: > Evening, > > My wife and I have been married for 2 years. About 7 weeks ago I found > out she was having an affair (she told me about it). They have > continued to see each other for the past 7 weeks and she says she loves > him. He is in love with her and has talked about them getting married > etc. > > She also says she loves me too and can't make a decision. We have a 18 > month old girl which is probably one reason we are still together > today. We have not seperated and fight alot when we see each other. > She communicates with him in front of me and is visiting him now. I > have tried to give her the freedom she needs but it seems the more time > they spend together the closer they get. > > I love her with all my heart and know that with her commitment back on > this marriage that we can make it work. Counseling is needed and lots > of work and dedication. > > How does someone handle a situation like this? The emotions running > through me knowing she can't seem to make a decision for me, knowing > that she is with him right now, are unbearable. I believe in God and > pray alot, but am looking for any advice you may have. > > Thanks, > > Jack Marriagebuilders is a good place to start. Also, try and find a book called 'Love Must Be Tough' by James Dobson. (I usually warn people that it has more than a little bit of a religious bent, but it doesn't look like you need the warning. :P ) I will say this: You sitting there while your wife talks to her boyfriend and your giving her 'freedom' and your permission to see him is probably the worst thing you can do at this time. The way I see it is that you have no respect for yourself if you allow this to continue. And if you have no respect for yourself, you're not giving your wife any reason to show you any respect. The second thing I will say is that, IMO, making this all your wife's decision is not helping the situation. When you look at it like it's up to your wife whether she stays or goes, you're giving her tacit permission to stay 'stuck' for as long as she wants. I will submit to you that you *also* have a decision to make and that is whether you want to remain married to a woman who would talk to her boyfriend in front of you and who shows so little respect for your feelings that you *know* when she's with him. Now, you are really not able to control your wife's actions. All you can do is control your own. So, while you can't stop your wife from continuing her affair, you *do not* have to remain in the same house with her while she continues it. And while you may believe that you two remaining in the house is a good way to handle it, IMO, you're just continuing the dynamics that allow her to remain 'stuck'. Think about this: who was with your child while she was with her boyfriend? Tracey |