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From: burton71 on 8 Aug 2008 07:30
Hi,im new to this group and wanted to share my feelings with you.I
lost my wife to melanoma in june 2006 age 35.I have two children
(boys) 9 years and 4 years old.Even though it`s been 2 years it seems
like yesterday our boys and i had my darling Katherine swiftly takin
from us.I miss her so much and there`s not to many days where i don`t
have a cry and wish she was here to give her a big hug.It was just so
cruel to see her go from the bubbly woman that loved life to someone
so sick.She was my best friend and we did everything
together,fishing,camping walking on the beach and the list go`s on.I
just feel so empty without her by my side and am really struggling
looking after the kids on my own.I`ll be pretty good for a week or 2
but then it only takes something to remind me of her or one of the
boys say something about mummy and then my hole world seems to fall
apart once again.My family and friends have been very helpfull but
last week i lost my temper with my dad.He wanted me to go out to a
friends house with him and i didn`t want to because it was one of my
bad days.Then i got the "you have got to try to move on" talk.I guess
what im trying to say is should i be trying harder to move on or maybe
get some professional help?.Im begining to wonder how long will this
hurt be so strong.I think what makes it harder for me is trying to do
so much for the kids where Katherine did all that before and now i
have to do it all.Thankyou for listening,Paul
From: Daisy on 8 Aug 2008 08:33
As loving and caring as your dad is trying to be, it's not up to him when
you move on, it's totally up to you. Grief is an individual thing, some can
get through it in a matter of weeks, some of us it takes longer. I'm sure
your dad meant well, just give him a hug and tell him to give you some more
time. I'm also sorry to hear of your wifes passing, you must be a wonderful
father and a wonderful husband. Take your time sweetie, this too shall pass
when you're ready to move on. We're all here for you.

--
Daisy
<burton71(a)bigpond.net.au> wrote in message
news:161f656e-e509-4e00-8b71-c9445e146a6a(a)h17g2000prg.googlegroups.com...
> Hi,im new to this group and wanted to share my feelings with you.I
> lost my wife to melanoma in june 2006 age 35.I have two children
> (boys) 9 years and 4 years old.Even though it`s been 2 years it seems
> like yesterday our boys and i had my darling Katherine swiftly takin
> from us.I miss her so much and there`s not to many days where i don`t
> have a cry and wish she was here to give her a big hug.It was just so
> cruel to see her go from the bubbly woman that loved life to someone
> so sick.She was my best friend and we did everything
> together,fishing,camping walking on the beach and the list go`s on.I
> just feel so empty without her by my side and am really struggling
> looking after the kids on my own.I`ll be pretty good for a week or 2
> but then it only takes something to remind me of her or one of the
> boys say something about mummy and then my hole world seems to fall
> apart once again.My family and friends have been very helpfull but
> last week i lost my temper with my dad.He wanted me to go out to a
> friends house with him and i didn`t want to because it was one of my
> bad days.Then i got the "you have got to try to move on" talk.I guess
> what im trying to say is should i be trying harder to move on or maybe
> get some professional help?.Im begining to wonder how long will this
> hurt be so strong.I think what makes it harder for me is trying to do
> so much for the kids where Katherine did all that before and now i
> have to do it all.Thankyou for listening,Paul


From: MelMenzies on 9 Aug 2008 04:57
Hi Paul,

I'm so sorry to hear of your grief; the pain of losing not only your
beloved wife and best friend but also the mother of your children must
be immense. My reason for being in this group was because I lost an
adult daughter, but I also 'lost' a husband I adored, because of his
adultery. So although I can't pretend to know the depth of what
you're going through, I have an inkling because I, too, was left
bereft by someone I loved, and having to bring up children too. It is
so draining! You're having to cope with your grief - yet 'be there'
for your kids.

Daisy's right. No one can tell you when you ‘should’ move on. There
are no oughts and anys about grief. You will pick up the threads of
life gradually when you're ready and one day you’ll realise that you
have a life worth living after all. A different life. But a life
nevertheless.

I would say, however, that we can help or hinder the process. Grief
can become a friend. Some thing we hold close to ourselves because it
ties us to our loved one. Some thing we dare not let go of because to
do so might suggest that we’re being disloyal to our loved one.

The first time I realised that I had laughed, or forgotten my daughter
for a moment, I was filled with guilt. I ‘shouldn’t’ be feeling /
have forgotten like this, I thought. And then I realised that my
daughter will always be in my heart, whether or not she is constantly
in my thoughts.

Be kind to your Dad. Daisy’s right there, too. He’s only trying to
do his best for you, to show you his love in the way he understands
it. We, in the West, tend to want to bury death. We’re not
comfortable with its presence in our midst. In my novel, A Painful
Post Mortem, one of the characters speaks of people crossing the road
to avoid her – because they don’t know what to say and they’re
embarrassed. She, on the other hand, wants only to talk of her loss.

Eastern tradition does things differently. Look how Jesus wept at the
death of his friend Lazarus. If you are a believer, you may find that
a church family would help you with your grieving. Ask around and
find a church which has lots of families going; where people aren’t
staid and formal and religious, but where they have a vibrant faith
and a love for others. Talk to the minister. Tell him your hurting.
And whether you go to the church or not, I’m sure he – and others –
would pray for you. I certainly will be.
Love, Mel Menzies – author of A Painful Post Mortem

From: Liliana on 11 Aug 2008 20:35
On Aug 8, 7:30 am, burto...(a)bigpond.net.au wrote:
> Hi,im new to this group and wanted to share my feelings with you.I
> lost my wife to melanoma in june 2006 age 35.I have two children
> (boys) 9 years and 4 years old.Even though it`s been 2 years it seems
> like yesterday our boys and i had my darling Katherine swiftly takin
> from us.I miss her so much and there`s not to many days where i don`t
> have a cry and wish she was here to give her a big hug.It was just so
> cruel to see her go from the bubbly woman that loved life to someone
> so sick.She was my best friend and we did everything
> together,fishing,camping walking on the beach and the list go`s on.I
> just feel so empty without her by my side and am really struggling
> looking after the kids on my own.I`ll be pretty good for a week or 2
> but then it only takes something to remind me of her or one of the
> boys say something about mummy and then my hole world seems to fall
> apart once again.My family and friends have been very helpfull but
> last week i lost my temper with my dad.He wanted me to go out to a
> friends house with him and i didn`t want to because it was one of my
> bad days.Then i got the "you have got to try to move on" talk.I guess
> what im trying to say is should i be trying harder to move on or maybe
> get some professional help?.Im begining to wonder how long will this
> hurt be so strong.I think what makes it harder for me is trying to do
> so much for the kids where Katherine did all that before and now i
> have to do it all.Thankyou for listening,Paul

I am so sorry about your loss Paul. People, including your dad will
say all kinds of things that will make you angry. They just don't
know any better, or don't think to educate themselves on what NOT to
say to people who are grieving. I think I have heard it all in the
almost 10 years that my son has passed away.
Grief and grieving will take its own time, and it is indeed a roller
coaster.... bad days, and not so bad days. Of course, there will be
all kinds of reminders of the way things used to be... Counselling
would definitely be a good idea Paul. Sometimes it is just too much
for family and friends to listen to us, and their instinct is to try
to make things better by "changing the subject" as a distraction or
like your dad, "get you out" when you don't feel like going out. I
wish you strength for your kids Paul, as Katherine lives on in them,
and her love is with you always.
From: burton71 on 12 Aug 2008 06:47
On Aug 12, 10:35 am, Liliana <xen...(a)rogers.com> wrote:
> On Aug 8, 7:30 am, burto...(a)bigpond.net.au wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
> > Hi,im new to this group and wanted to share my feelings with you.I
> > lost my wife to melanoma in june 2006 age 35.I have two children
> > (boys) 9 years and 4 years old.Even though it`s been 2 years it seems
> > like yesterday our boys and i had my darling Katherine swiftly takin
> > from us.I miss her so much and there`s not to many days where i don`t
> > have a cry and wish she was here to give her a big hug.It was just so
> > cruel to see her go from the bubbly woman that loved life to someone
> > so sick.She was my best friend and we did everything
> > together,fishing,camping walking on the beach and the list go`s on.I
> > just feel so empty without her by my side and am really struggling
> > looking after the kids on my own.I`ll be pretty good for a week or 2
> > but then it only takes something to remind me of her or one of the
> > boys say something about mummy and then my hole world seems to fall
> > apart once again.My family and friends have been very helpfull but
> > last week i lost my temper with my dad.He wanted me to go out to a
> > friends house with him and i didn`t want to because it was one of my
> > bad days.Then i got the "you have got to try to move on" talk.I guess
> > what im trying to say is should i be trying harder to move on or maybe
> > get some professional help?.Im begining to wonder how long will this
> > hurt be so strong.I think what makes it harder for me is trying to do
> > so much for the kids where Katherine did all that before and now i
> > have to do it all.Thankyou for listening,Paul
>
> I am so sorry about your loss Paul.  People, including your dad will
> say all kinds of things that will make you angry.  They just don't
> know any better, or don't think to educate themselves on what NOT to
> say to people who are grieving.  I think I have heard it all in the
> almost 10 years that my son has passed away.
> Grief and grieving will take its own time, and it is indeed a roller
> coaster.... bad days, and not so bad days.  Of course, there will be
> all kinds of reminders of the way things used to be...  Counselling
> would definitely be a good idea Paul.  Sometimes it is just too much
> for family and friends to listen to us, and their instinct is to try
> to make things better by "changing the subject" as a distraction or
> like your dad, "get you out" when you don't feel like going out.  I
> wish you strength for your kids Paul, as Katherine lives on in them,
> and her love is with you always.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

Thankyou for all your thoughts everybody,as i said some days im good
and then other days i just carn`t stop breaking down.I know there`s a
lot of single mums out there that bring up there children on there own
but i just find it so hard some days to be mum and dad.The doctor had
me on antidepressants a while ago but i just couldn`t keep taking them
as i didn`t like the feeling of drugs masking the problems.I think i
just find it so hard to stop thinking about that last 4 or 5 weeks
before she left us because she was so scared,i wish it was my number
that came up and not Kaths and other times feel so angry because she
was takin so early in life and we lost that "perfect family "
thing.And the kids loosing a great mum.Thanks again
ps.does anybody know why my email address comes up in the post instead
of my name.Can i change it?
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