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From: KeepSmiling on 13 May 2006 05:42
Hi
I'm a newcomer to this group, but having looked through previous
postings, you all seem to give pretty good advice.
I'm 30, getting divorced from my wife who's 25. We had Decree Nisi a
couple of months ago (UK law, not sure if the same applies in US etc).
Divorce isn't complete until Decree Absolute, which might not be for a
while. We're still living in the same house, I pay 95% of the bills as
I'm on a good income, she's on a very low income. We have one child of
7 yrs. I do 95% of the childcare activities. Unfortunately legal
advisors tell me that children and house tend to go to the wife,
despite how little time and attention the said wife spends with the
child. I was pretty surprised when I heard this, but we're trying to
reach a negotiated settlement through mediation, and hopefullly this
will avoid an unfair arrangement leading to bitterness on my part.

My wife spends most of her free time away from the house, as she's
started a new relationship. She won't admit it, but it's a small town
and several people have told me this is the case. I also came home
early once and found him there when they were both supposed to be at
work; she claimed he's just a friend. Her new guy is married with
children himself, but not getting divorced, he's just cheating. It did
upset me hugely when I found out, as I didn't want the marriage to end;
she initiated it. Their relationship started before divorce proceedings
were intiated, though it's all immaterial now. I've got supportive
friends and family and I think I've gotten over the worst of that
upset. Yes, I hadn't really accepted it, even though it was staring me
in the face. I have accepted it now, though it still hurts from time to
time.

My reason for asking advice is that I'm tempted to look for a new woman
myself. I actually know that the answer is a big NO! I understand
completely that I have to resolve all my current relationship problems,
and get happy with myself before entering another relationship. I
remember from my single days that I always attracted women most when I
wasn't trying, when I was just happy with myself and life and relaxed
about everything. And there's no rush to jump into a serious
relationship, there are always plenty of single women out there waiting
to meet someone special. And I can't really offer much certainty, time
or commitment at the present time. And 'rebound' relationships are
doomed from the start. I know all this. I just feel so incredibly
lonely sometimes. I have to admit I really crave the physical side as
well, I feel starved in that respect, and can't stop checking out every
woman I see. I never really went in for casual relationships though,
I've always been a steady partner kinda guy. And I'm not really in the
position to live the casual partner kind of lifestyle, as I'm looking
after our child most of the time.

Like I say, I know in my head that I'm doing the right thing by not
chasing after a new woman. I suppose I just want to hear other
divorced/ divorcing/ people confirming it. It'd give me a bit more
strength to put up with the frustration! Most of my friends are either
single and enjoying it, or in a long term relationship and enjoying it.
Even though they're great friends and supportive, they're not in the
same position.

I told my STBX that it's completely unacceptable to have her partner
round here, as it's a family home. I've managed to get her to stop
that; which is why she's away from home most of the time now. I still
have trouble getting her to say when she's coming back - I prefer it
when she's away, but our child needs to know when mummy is coming back.
IT doesn't matter if it's not for days, just so long as I can give our
child a definite time.

Any advice/ similar experiences gladly appreciated.

Thanks folks!
:-)

From: Michael A. Ball on 13 May 2006 09:31
On 13 May 2006 02:42:26 -0700, "KeepSmiling" <dogsurferuk(a)yahoo.co.uk> wrote:

>...Any advice/ similar experiences gladly appreciated.

There will be plenty of women available, after your court date; so, wait! Demonstrate some
personal integrity and self control; you might need to impress the judge. Besides that,
you'll be able to think more clearly, after your divorce.

Twenty-five year old women are fun to look at and somewhat fun to play with, but they're
just not good for much beyond that.

After your divorce, date some 30-year-olds, or older! They are still beautiful to look at,
and they are increasingly beautiful on the inside. And they are even more fun to play
with!

If you want custody of the child, you should be prepared for a fight. Document the
mother's time away, and what she's doing during that time. As you know, hear-say evidence
is worthless.

Why did you select a girl who is younger and has far less earning potential? That's a
rhetorical question, but I ask because it seems you might have wanted to be her knight in
shining armor, her rescuer. If that is correct, you need to prepare yourself to avoid
making the same error again.

_________________________
Zildjan: world class cymbal of excellence.
From: Rog' on 13 May 2006 10:49
You have your head on straight. A new relationship at this point
would be a rebound thing, and not likely to succeed. It could also
afftect the outcome of your case. But I see nothiing wrong honing
your dating skills and developing actual friendships with women. I
did that. I was clear from the get-go that it would have to be a go-
slow thing as it was too soon for me. They appreciated the honesty.
=R=

"KeepSmiling" <dogsurferuk(a)yahoo.co.uk> wrote:
> Hi
> I'm a newcomer to this group, but having looked through previous
> postings, you all seem to give pretty good advice.
> I'm 30, getting divorced from my wife who's 25. We had Decree Nisi a
> couple of months ago (UK law, not sure if the same applies in US etc).
> Divorce isn't complete until Decree Absolute, which might not be for a
> while. We're still living in the same house, I pay 95% of the bills as
> I'm on a good income, she's on a very low income. We have one child of
> 7 yrs. I do 95% of the childcare activities. Unfortunately legal
> advisors tell me that children and house tend to go to the wife,
> despite how little time and attention the said wife spends with the
> child. I was pretty surprised when I heard this, but we're trying to
> reach a negotiated settlement through mediation, and hopefullly this
> will avoid an unfair arrangement leading to bitterness on my part.
>
> My wife spends most of her free time away from the house, as she's
> started a new relationship. She won't admit it, but it's a small town
> and several people have told me this is the case. I also came home
> early once and found him there when they were both supposed to be at
> work; she claimed he's just a friend. Her new guy is married with
> children himself, but not getting divorced, he's just cheating. It did
> upset me hugely when I found out, as I didn't want the marriage to end;
> she initiated it. Their relationship started before divorce proceedings
> were intiated, though it's all immaterial now. I've got supportive
> friends and family and I think I've gotten over the worst of that
> upset. Yes, I hadn't really accepted it, even though it was staring me
> in the face. I have accepted it now, though it still hurts from time to
> time.
>
> My reason for asking advice is that I'm tempted to look for a new woman
> myself. I actually know that the answer is a big NO! I understand
> completely that I have to resolve all my current relationship problems,
> and get happy with myself before entering another relationship. I
> remember from my single days that I always attracted women most when I
> wasn't trying, when I was just happy with myself and life and relaxed
> about everything. And there's no rush to jump into a serious
> relationship, there are always plenty of single women out there waiting
> to meet someone special. And I can't really offer much certainty, time
> or commitment at the present time. And 'rebound' relationships are
> doomed from the start. I know all this. I just feel so incredibly
> lonely sometimes. I have to admit I really crave the physical side as
> well, I feel starved in that respect, and can't stop checking out every
> woman I see. I never really went in for casual relationships though,
> I've always been a steady partner kinda guy. And I'm not really in the
> position to live the casual partner kind of lifestyle, as I'm looking
> after our child most of the time.
>
> Like I say, I know in my head that I'm doing the right thing by not
> chasing after a new woman. I suppose I just want to hear other
> divorced/ divorcing/ people confirming it. It'd give me a bit more
> strength to put up with the frustration! Most of my friends are either
> single and enjoying it, or in a long term relationship and enjoying it.
> Even though they're great friends and supportive, they're not in the
> same position.
>
> I told my STBX that it's completely unacceptable to have her partner
> round here, as it's a family home. I've managed to get her to stop
> that; which is why she's away from home most of the time now. I still
> have trouble getting her to say when she's coming back - I prefer it
> when she's away, but our child needs to know when mummy is coming back.
> IT doesn't matter if it's not for days, just so long as I can give our
> child a definite time.
>
> Any advice/ similar experiences gladly appreciated.
>
> Thanks folks!
> :-)
>


From: t@home on 13 May 2006 17:24
I say you have at least eleven years before you should start dating.
Your child needs at least one parent who is 100% focused on him. If
you start romancing a woman now, how can you give your child the full
attention he needs. Divorce is hard enough and he already has one
screwball parent.

KeepSmiling wrote:
> Hi
> I'm a newcomer to this group, but having looked through previous
> postings, you all seem to give pretty good advice.
> I'm 30, getting divorced from my wife who's 25. We had Decree Nisi a
> couple of months ago (UK law, not sure if the same applies in US etc).
> Divorce isn't complete until Decree Absolute, which might not be for a
> while. We're still living in the same house, I pay 95% of the bills as
> I'm on a good income, she's on a very low income. We have one child of
> 7 yrs. I do 95% of the childcare activities. Unfortunately legal
> advisors tell me that children and house tend to go to the wife,
> despite how little time and attention the said wife spends with the
> child. I was pretty surprised when I heard this, but we're trying to
> reach a negotiated settlement through mediation, and hopefullly this
> will avoid an unfair arrangement leading to bitterness on my part.
>
> My wife spends most of her free time away from the house, as she's
> started a new relationship. She won't admit it, but it's a small town
> and several people have told me this is the case. I also came home
> early once and found him there when they were both supposed to be at
> work; she claimed he's just a friend. Her new guy is married with
> children himself, but not getting divorced, he's just cheating. It did
> upset me hugely when I found out, as I didn't want the marriage to end;
> she initiated it. Their relationship started before divorce proceedings
> were intiated, though it's all immaterial now. I've got supportive
> friends and family and I think I've gotten over the worst of that
> upset. Yes, I hadn't really accepted it, even though it was staring me
> in the face. I have accepted it now, though it still hurts from time to
> time.
>
> My reason for asking advice is that I'm tempted to look for a new woman
> myself. I actually know that the answer is a big NO! I understand
> completely that I have to resolve all my current relationship problems,
> and get happy with myself before entering another relationship. I
> remember from my single days that I always attracted women most when I
> wasn't trying, when I was just happy with myself and life and relaxed
> about everything. And there's no rush to jump into a serious
> relationship, there are always plenty of single women out there waiting
> to meet someone special. And I can't really offer much certainty, time
> or commitment at the present time. And 'rebound' relationships are
> doomed from the start. I know all this. I just feel so incredibly
> lonely sometimes. I have to admit I really crave the physical side as
> well, I feel starved in that respect, and can't stop checking out every
> woman I see. I never really went in for casual relationships though,
> I've always been a steady partner kinda guy. And I'm not really in the
> position to live the casual partner kind of lifestyle, as I'm looking
> after our child most of the time.
>
> Like I say, I know in my head that I'm doing the right thing by not
> chasing after a new woman. I suppose I just want to hear other
> divorced/ divorcing/ people confirming it. It'd give me a bit more
> strength to put up with the frustration! Most of my friends are either
> single and enjoying it, or in a long term relationship and enjoying it.
> Even though they're great friends and supportive, they're not in the
> same position.
>
> I told my STBX that it's completely unacceptable to have her partner
> round here, as it's a family home. I've managed to get her to stop
> that; which is why she's away from home most of the time now. I still
> have trouble getting her to say when she's coming back - I prefer it
> when she's away, but our child needs to know when mummy is coming back.
> IT doesn't matter if it's not for days, just so long as I can give our
> child a definite time.
>
> Any advice/ similar experiences gladly appreciated.
>
> Thanks folks!
> :-)

From: Rog' on 13 May 2006 17:43
"t(a)home" <toni_brightman(a)yahoo.com> wrote:
>I say you have at least eleven years before you should start dating.
> Your child needs at least one parent who is 100% focused on him.
> If you start romancing a woman now, how can you give your child
> the full attention he needs. Divorce is hard enough and he already
> has one screwball parent.

Egads. The child also needs a parent who's not so focused on the
kid that his life becomes one dimensional. The kid needs a parent
who does not neglect his own needs. IMO. =R=


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