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From: Graffnoir on 31 Aug 2007 17:26
Hello Empty space. I'm hoping no one reads this but if you do
PLEASE DONT REPLY. Its just something I needed to get out and once out
I can calm my thoughts enough to stop the screams.

I've just returned from a short ride....I went to my nieces 18th
birthday party....a theme party....The Rocky Horror show.....Many
beautiful ladies in stockings, suspenders and basks with much cleavage
shown........I'm typing this as I left early...its only 21:27 and the
part doesn't finish for another few hours. The music was very loud and
was sending the mental illness over the edge and the screaming was
frantic......not the people screaming either. I was introduced to two
ladies who were not to tall and seriously beautiful, both dressed in
rather interesting outfits and they were both very sweet. Only problem
is I'm me........I'm a fat pointless oxygen botherer with no right to
talk to such kind people. The screaming is getting more painful each
day and I'm having trouble controlling my thoughts the way I used to.
Sanity was a thing I would like returned and I know I haven't lost
it....I know where it is but its just to hard to reach. I could be
there now enjoying the company of others and talking with beautiful
ladies and enjoying myself......but lets be honest here......what
would be the point. They are normal.....you know....they don't need a
20 stone, mentally ill Santa look alike disturbing their night and I
don't want to mess things up for my niece. So here I sit typing in a
manic metal state wondering why I'm bothering to waste others time
posting such a negative post. I have no one I can talk with and thou
I've had offers from people I know online I never feel comfortable
talking about me....The funny thing is no one knows me at
all.......silly really isn't it. I've known people for so many years
and not one person could tell you any details about me....hell no one
knows my name....I'm just Graff....plain old Graff....nothing worth
mentioning.....I'm not, as you might be able to tell, in a very stable
mood this evening and this is a good day so why would I consider
talking to such nice and kind people. How about I stop typing and
close the computer down for a while and try to relax....maybe go out
for another ride on my bike on the moors....maybe this time I wont see
it burn.......I forgot to mention that I think.....The last time I
went out I saw a mushroom cloud in dirty black with a whisper of deep
red in the distance and went to find out what was wrong. I found a man
on a little C70 parked up by a car on fire ( I have video of the fire
) who is married to a woman my mum is friends with. I stopped and
chatted for a while waiting for the Fire Service to turn up. I left
after 10 minutes of them turning up and went on towards Postbridge as
its quiet there that time on night. Its sometimes a need to leave
everything behind and ride in the green. I get to talk with the sheep
and ponies and also the cows on locations as at least I know they wont
mind a person like me and wont judge my many faults. Its 21:49 now and
I'm thinking how wonderful the party is and how much better it now
must be that I'm not part of it. I wont be missed...I know this. I
don't have an ego and don't handle crowds of loud outgoing people so
this was not my kind of party. You know the one part of tonight's
outing that felt nice was the lady serving behind the bar. She was
short and sweet and wearing a dress.......many would consider her to
have a plain look about her but they are blind. She has......something
about her....its difficult to say in words and I'm hardly ever lost
for those. She didn't seem married as I couldn't see a ring but even
though she was adorable and sweet what could she find to like about
me....and thus I return to the main problem. I'm now 37 and live with
my mum and dad.....I try to keep out of everyone's way and not bother
anyone. Sometimes I help out with problems other people have that cant
be solved by anyone else but a large madman like me but apart from
computer help and being a large bearded madman I have no uses in this
life. The depression has become overwhelming and I'm staying in more
and more again but on top of this when I do go out I don't go where I
can meet anyone as this makes me uncomfortable so I will still be sat
here in 20-40 years time as single as now and still missing out on my
life. I had a plan a long time ago and this plan changed due to a
simple statement. When my mum and dad are unable to look after
themselves I will help them and when the day comes that they no longer
need me......I will have my final ride. The route is planned and the
time I leave is all set out with military timing. It will be nice to
once again hear nothing but the quiet of the wind caressing the trees
and the beauty of night surrounding my formless essence as I find a
place to truly rest.

As odd as this may seem.......it was nice to express some thoughts I
never express.....now I'm going back to work on a few things on the
computer and then rest up before the return of my mum and dad from the
party.

(((Mellow Gentle Squsihes))) to you and all whom you Love :)


On The Sea Of Infinite Tranquility
Sail On
From: Jude on 2 Sep 2007 18:54
I know you said please don't reply, but I had too!!!

{{{{{{ Graff}}}}}} I understand your feelings, and feel them also. Please
don't be so hard on yourself, you are a nice kind, gentle, man who DOES
have value. I understand how you feel about having to live with your
parents, I am in this position also.

I hope you feel better soon!!!!!!!

Jude.

On Fri, 31 Aug 2007 22:26:52 +0100, Graffnoir
<Graffnoir(a)grassnoir.demon.co.uk> wrote:

>Hello Empty space. I'm hoping no one reads this but if you do
>PLEASE DONT REPLY. Its just something I needed to get out and once out
>I can calm my thoughts enough to stop the screams.
>
>I've just returned from a short ride....I went to my nieces 18th
>birthday party....a theme party....The Rocky Horror show.....Many
>beautiful ladies in stockings, suspenders and basks with much cleavage
>shown........I'm typing this as I left early...its only 21:27 and the
>part doesn't finish for another few hours. The music was very loud and
>was sending the mental illness over the edge and the screaming was
>frantic......not the people screaming either. I was introduced to two
>ladies who were not to tall and seriously beautiful, both dressed in
>rather interesting outfits and they were both very sweet. Only problem
>is I'm me........I'm a fat pointless oxygen botherer with no right to
>talk to such kind people. The screaming is getting more painful each
>day and I'm having trouble controlling my thoughts the way I used to.
>Sanity was a thing I would like returned and I know I haven't lost
>it....I know where it is but its just to hard to reach. I could be
>there now enjoying the company of others and talking with beautiful
>ladies and enjoying myself......but lets be honest here......what
>would be the point. They are normal.....you know....they don't need a
>20 stone, mentally ill Santa look alike disturbing their night and I
>don't want to mess things up for my niece. So here I sit typing in a
>manic metal state wondering why I'm bothering to waste others time
>posting such a negative post. I have no one I can talk with and thou
>I've had offers from people I know online I never feel comfortable
>talking about me....The funny thing is no one knows me at
>all.......silly really isn't it. I've known people for so many years
>and not one person could tell you any details about me....hell no one
>knows my name....I'm just Graff....plain old Graff....nothing worth
>mentioning.....I'm not, as you might be able to tell, in a very stable
>mood this evening and this is a good day so why would I consider
>talking to such nice and kind people. How about I stop typing and
>close the computer down for a while and try to relax....maybe go out
>for another ride on my bike on the moors....maybe this time I wont see
>it burn.......I forgot to mention that I think.....The last time I
>went out I saw a mushroom cloud in dirty black with a whisper of deep
>red in the distance and went to find out what was wrong. I found a man
>on a little C70 parked up by a car on fire ( I have video of the fire
>) who is married to a woman my mum is friends with. I stopped and
>chatted for a while waiting for the Fire Service to turn up. I left
>after 10 minutes of them turning up and went on towards Postbridge as
>its quiet there that time on night. Its sometimes a need to leave
>everything behind and ride in the green. I get to talk with the sheep
>and ponies and also the cows on locations as at least I know they wont
>mind a person like me and wont judge my many faults. Its 21:49 now and
>I'm thinking how wonderful the party is and how much better it now
>must be that I'm not part of it. I wont be missed...I know this. I
>don't have an ego and don't handle crowds of loud outgoing people so
>this was not my kind of party. You know the one part of tonight's
>outing that felt nice was the lady serving behind the bar. She was
>short and sweet and wearing a dress.......many would consider her to
>have a plain look about her but they are blind. She has......something
>about her....its difficult to say in words and I'm hardly ever lost
>for those. She didn't seem married as I couldn't see a ring but even
>though she was adorable and sweet what could she find to like about
>me....and thus I return to the main problem. I'm now 37 and live with
>my mum and dad.....I try to keep out of everyone's way and not bother
>anyone. Sometimes I help out with problems other people have that cant
>be solved by anyone else but a large madman like me but apart from
>computer help and being a large bearded madman I have no uses in this
>life. The depression has become overwhelming and I'm staying in more
>and more again but on top of this when I do go out I don't go where I
>can meet anyone as this makes me uncomfortable so I will still be sat
>here in 20-40 years time as single as now and still missing out on my
>life. I had a plan a long time ago and this plan changed due to a
>simple statement. When my mum and dad are unable to look after
>themselves I will help them and when the day comes that they no longer
>need me......I will have my final ride. The route is planned and the
>time I leave is all set out with military timing. It will be nice to
>once again hear nothing but the quiet of the wind caressing the trees
>and the beauty of night surrounding my formless essence as I find a
>place to truly rest.
>
>As odd as this may seem.......it was nice to express some thoughts I
>never express.....now I'm going back to work on a few things on the
>computer and then rest up before the return of my mum and dad from the
>party.
>
>(((Mellow Gentle Squsihes))) to you and all whom you Love :)
>
>
>On The Sea Of Infinite Tranquility
>Sail On
 | 
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