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From: Skog on 14 Jul 2006 22:06
In this posting I'm going to be referring to AvPD or avoidant
behavior, which I see some disagree on depending on differing USA and
European definitions, and some disagree on whether it is part of Social
Anxiety/Social Phobia, and some disagree exists at all. If you can
control yourself, please don't bother to correct me on that, but just
substitute whatever terminology you like to use. I'm just looking
for some feedback on the notion of trying tell people you care about
what bothers you and getting positive reinforcement from them to
improve yourself. It's not enough to alter my behavior.

After thinking about it for a very long time, I told two people at work
about what I think is my withdrawal/avoidance/AvPD problem by giving
them some printed information about it. I hoped they would recognize my
behavior when they read the material.

It has become a very uncomfortable experiment. I hoped that armed with
this knowledge, they would treat me in a way that made me feel more
welcome, because they would no longer misconstrue my withdrawal
behavior.

I still don't feel welcome. I'm hoping that will improve. I'm uncertain
whether I made a mistake or not. At first, neither one spoke to me. I
was devastated. Then after a couple of days, one sent message that she
was busy, but wanted to talk to me about it, and the other dropped by
and had a "normal" conversation, but without any mention of the
information I had provided about me. That only made me feel a little
better, since I expected a prompt reaction either of support or
rejection and not such ambivalence.

Both have had further conversations with me. I tried to be more blunt
than I would prefer and came out and asked both why there wasn't the
sort of direct reaction I would have given either of them. They just
don't think the same way, I guess. The one I was already closer to said
she was surprised as she had never seen me as avoidant; she just
thought I was a particularly private person. The other said upon
reading the material I had given her, that she could see similarities
to my behavior and she hadn't promptly responded to my disclosure
because she didn't know what to say, and when she did, she thought
maybe just having a normal conversation was what I wanted.

It's still too close to when I've shared the information with them to
see how this is going to turn out. They are not altering their conduct
to make me feel more comfortable. Neither one avoids me if I approach
them, but they don't seem to appreciate how insecure I am and that what
would make be feel more secure at the moment would be increased
attention initiated by them. I don't want to be the one to seek them
out and start a conversation, right now. It was very hard to make the
disclosure, and worrying about whether I made a horrible mistake makes
it harder to also have to initiate socializing with them, when I'm
still busy monitoring whether they're just putting up with out of guilt
or pity, or actually like me being around.

After keeping my office door closed for months, I opened it for a week
to encourage contact, but they both walk by and ignore me, unless I
contact them. I have closed my door again. I am very confused and hurt.

From: radovan on 15 Jul 2006 03:47
Just few notes : although i have wish to tell people from my environment
about this ,i'm very concious that they wouldn't really understand what is
'a fear of social interaction'....Even my mom tells me that she doesn't
understand me and i forgive her (but she also like to verbaly molest me
forcing me to go with people and makes situation more difficult).....
So it is likely the case with your colleagues (they are not able to think
that way)


From: cheee on 16 Jul 2006 02:46

Skog wrote:
> In this posting I'm going to be referring to AvPD or avoidant
> behavior, which I see some disagree on depending on differing USA and
> European definitions, and some disagree on whether it is part of Social
> Anxiety/Social Phobia, and some disagree exists at all. If you can
> control yourself, please don't bother to correct me on that, but just
> substitute whatever terminology you like to use. I'm just looking
> for some feedback on the notion of trying tell people you care about
> what bothers you and getting positive reinforcement from them to
> improve yourself. It's not enough to alter my behavior.
>
> After thinking about it for a very long time, I told two people at work
> about what I think is my withdrawal/avoidance/AvPD problem by giving
> them some printed information about it. I hoped they would recognize my
> behavior when they read the material.
>
> It has become a very uncomfortable experiment. I hoped that armed with
> this knowledge, they would treat me in a way that made me feel more
> welcome, because they would no longer misconstrue my withdrawal
> behavior.
>
> I still don't feel welcome. I'm hoping that will improve. I'm uncertain
> whether I made a mistake or not. At first, neither one spoke to me. I
> was devastated. Then after a couple of days, one sent message that she
> was busy, but wanted to talk to me about it, and the other dropped by
> and had a "normal" conversation, but without any mention of the
> information I had provided about me. That only made me feel a little
> better, since I expected a prompt reaction either of support or
> rejection and not such ambivalence.
>
> Both have had further conversations with me. I tried to be more blunt
> than I would prefer and came out and asked both why there wasn't the
> sort of direct reaction I would have given either of them. They just
> don't think the same way, I guess. The one I was already closer to said
> she was surprised as she had never seen me as avoidant; she just
> thought I was a particularly private person. The other said upon
> reading the material I had given her, that she could see similarities
> to my behavior and she hadn't promptly responded to my disclosure
> because she didn't know what to say, and when she did, she thought
> maybe just having a normal conversation was what I wanted.
>
> It's still too close to when I've shared the information with them to
> see how this is going to turn out. They are not altering their conduct
> to make me feel more comfortable. Neither one avoids me if I approach
> them, but they don't seem to appreciate how insecure I am and that what
> would make be feel more secure at the moment would be increased
> attention initiated by them. I don't want to be the one to seek them
> out and start a conversation, right now. It was very hard to make the
> disclosure, and worrying about whether I made a horrible mistake makes
> it harder to also have to initiate socializing with them, when I'm
> still busy monitoring whether they're just putting up with out of guilt
> or pity, or actually like me being around.
>
> After keeping my office door closed for months, I opened it for a week
> to encourage contact, but they both walk by and ignore me, unless I
> contact them. I have closed my door again. I am very confused and hurt.

I've considered letting work people know I've spoken to noone but
mother, brother, therapist, for the last 8 years or so... but the
awkwardness would make it too weird. They all ask why im so quiet. I'm
just used to being alone, 100%, and somewhat preffer it that way.

Uh btw this is my first job ever, in a call center. I think it would
take a special kind of person to befriend a social anietyish type,
because well, we're weird. You have to admit that.

They might be hesitant to talk to you now because they assume you dont
wanna talk to them. If you took the first step, maybe they'd er..
follow. I really think its upto you (and me, and everyone else) to make
changes in our own world. Its your choice to remain lonerish, as its my
choice, and its my choice to turn around in my desk and start up a
conversation with the guy behind me. It cant be unlike everything else,
the more we do it the easier it is. I didnt leave my home except to see
my therapist, now I take a bus to work every day for a hour. I havent
driven a car in 7 years, and now I'll willingly drive around and even
park near other cars. Talking to people is just one more thing I need
practice at.

Now if I could just get over this crippling self hate/anxiety :P

From: riccip-uk on 16 Jul 2006 03:08
"Skog" <theskog(a)juno.com> wrote:

>After keeping my office door closed for months, I opened it for a week
>to encourage contact, but they both walk by and ignore me, unless I
>contact them. I have closed my door again. I am very confused and hurt.

It's never a bad idea to tell people if you can bring yourself to
do it and this was quite brave of you. But don't anticipate
others will automatically understand. How the hell could they
when we don't really understand it ourselves?

You were expecting too much here. Those you told appear to have
made some effort to empathize, however small. Be content with
that, no need to feel hurt. As I've said before people have their
own problems to contend with and don't have the time, emotional
energy or the desire to get involved with ours. They may perhaps
feel a little wary of what you expect from them and this could
make them feel uncomfortable. You can't blame them.

Interestingly I've always found that most people can't handle it
when I attempt to explain that I've had SP or Avoidance problems.
So instead I tell them I went mad and lost my marbles. They can
relate to that much more comfortably and almost admire it as if
it's somehow fashionable to 'lose it'.

Riccip
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