Stepdad Common Problems/worries?
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From: CaMommy on 30 Oct 2006 02:28 My boyfriend and I love each other deeply, we get along great, my daughter likes him, he likes her, etc. The problem: he's worried that he won't be able to love her like a daughter if he were to become her stepdad. He also worries that he wouldn't treat her like future biological kids. He also get upset/jealous when my daughter mentions her "dad" as being great (he's far from that, but I understand her defending her "dad"). He gets upset/jealous because we do all the "work" (taking her places, parent/teacher conferences, attending events, etc) and he doesn't do a thing. Any stepdads out there that had the same concerns before you married the single mother? How are things now? How did you resolve them? Advice you could give my boyfriend? Thanks,
From: toolaudiofan on 30 Oct 2006 09:43 This is the exact situation I am/was in. I missed the first 5 years of my stepdaugher's life ( I missed all the cute baby stuff) The hard part about this is that he has to be absolutely certain that he can love your daughter as much as he loves you. Without that, it is dangerous for everyone. It takes a strong man to look past your daughter defending her father and just love her for who she is. It hurts sometimes (like the "your not my father" fights) but in the end, she will realize who is really there all the time, and who is there to support her day in and day out. She will see this stuff, and it will make a big difference. He should spend some quality time with her, just the two of them. Let her know that he understands he is not her real dad, but that he loves her just the same, and that he will always be there. He's not just making a commitment to you, but also your daughter, and make sure she understands that. Treating her differently than biological children is still somewhat of a concern of mine. But in the end, my love i share with my stepdaughter promises I could never treat her any differently. The most important part of a child's world is what's right around them, and if you both are committed to having this family, you will live very happily. CaMommy wrote: > My boyfriend and I love each other deeply, we get along great, my > daughter likes him, he likes her, etc. > > The problem: he's worried that he won't be able to love her like a > daughter if he were to become her stepdad. He also worries that he > wouldn't treat her like future biological kids. > > He also get upset/jealous when my daughter mentions her "dad" as being > great (he's far from that, but I understand her defending her "dad"). > He gets upset/jealous because we do all the "work" (taking her places, > parent/teacher conferences, attending events, etc) and he doesn't do a > thing. > > Any stepdads out there that had the same concerns before you married > the single mother? How are things now? How did you resolve them? Advice > you could give my boyfriend? > > Thanks,
From: Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe on 30 Oct 2006 10:12 CaMommy wrote: > My boyfriend and I love each other deeply, we get along great, my > daughter likes him, he likes her, etc. > > The problem: he's worried that he won't be able to love her like a > daughter if he were to become her stepdad. He also worries that he > wouldn't treat her like future biological kids. > > He also get upset/jealous when my daughter mentions her "dad" as being > great (he's far from that, but I understand her defending her "dad"). > He gets upset/jealous because we do all the "work" (taking her places, > parent/teacher conferences, attending events, etc) and he doesn't do a > thing. > > Any stepdads out there that had the same concerns before you married > the single mother? How are things now? How did you resolve them? Advice > you could give my boyfriend? Hi. Not a stepdad, but I *am* a stepmom and a biomom, so I can give him a bit of perspective from that angle. It's great that they like each other. He'll need to build on that. He'll also *always* need to remember that in any interaction, *HE* is the adult and needs to behave in a mature fashion... always... no matter how many buttons she pushes. Because she *will* push buttons. Lots of them. And if y'all have children together, they will also push buttons. That just goes with the territory. As for treating the kids the same, won't happen. You *never* treat all your kids the same, because each one is different, individual, and in need of a different approach. You may wind up with one that's extremely laid back, one that's completely high strung, and one or two somewhere in the middle. You have to be *fair*, but part of being fair is that you'll never treat them exactly the same. A couple of examples - When I need help with feeding (husband's not getting home in time or whatever), I have our 16yo son (YS) do all the larger livestock and our 17yo daughter (YD) handle the dogs, cats, and chickens. 1) It's easier for our son to carry those 50# bags while surrounded by lots of impatient animals. 2) Our daughter gets panic attacks if she gets too closely surrounded by the larger animals. When YD gets herself in trouble and refuses to deal without being grounded first, she loses phone privileges first thing and "talking to the boyfriend" privileges second, then moves on from there. However, that won't work with YS. He hardly ever talks on the phone and currently doesn't have a girlfriend. If he pushes too far, he loses access to a particular internet gaming site where he's a regular. When our 18yo son (OS) still lived at home, he got different treatment than the two younger ones because of a few emotional issues he has. I was ecstatic if I could simply get him to mingle with everyone else without having a blowup, and if he'd actually help with the chores, I'd thank him to high heaven, trying to encourage him with positive feedback, hoping he'd become more involved with the rest of us in a pleasant way. Remember to roll with the punches, and to pray... a LOT. And listen more than you talk. Kitten
From: CaMommy on 30 Oct 2006 11:21 Thanks for your advice, all. Well, he broke things off with me. He really doesn't think he could love her like his own. I told him he's only known her a year and this kind of thing doesn't happen quickly. I even suggested that he spend time with her one-on-one, but he was adament in his decision. If you have any other advice on this, please feel free to post. I still want to know. Thanks again. Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe wrote: > CaMommy wrote: > > My boyfriend and I love each other deeply, we get along great, my > > daughter likes him, he likes her, etc. > > > > The problem: he's worried that he won't be able to love her like a > > daughter if he were to become her stepdad. He also worries that he > > wouldn't treat her like future biological kids. > > > > He also get upset/jealous when my daughter mentions her "dad" as being > > great (he's far from that, but I understand her defending her "dad"). > > He gets upset/jealous because we do all the "work" (taking her places, > > parent/teacher conferences, attending events, etc) and he doesn't do a > > thing. > > > > Any stepdads out there that had the same concerns before you married > > the single mother? How are things now? How did you resolve them? Advice > > you could give my boyfriend? > > > Hi. Not a stepdad, but I *am* a stepmom and a biomom, so I can give > him a bit of perspective from that angle. > > It's great that they like each other. He'll need to build on that. > He'll also *always* need to remember that in any interaction, *HE* is > the adult and needs to behave in a mature fashion... always... no > matter how many buttons she pushes. > > Because she *will* push buttons. Lots of them. And if y'all have > children together, they will also push buttons. That just goes with > the territory. > > As for treating the kids the same, won't happen. You *never* treat all > your kids the same, because each one is different, individual, and in > need of a different approach. You may wind up with one that's > extremely laid back, one that's completely high strung, and one or two > somewhere in the middle. You have to be *fair*, but part of being fair > is that you'll never treat them exactly the same. > > A couple of examples - > > When I need help with feeding (husband's not getting home in time or > whatever), I have our 16yo son (YS) do all the larger livestock and our > 17yo daughter (YD) handle the dogs, cats, and chickens. 1) It's easier > for our son to carry those 50# bags while surrounded by lots of > impatient animals. 2) Our daughter gets panic attacks if she gets too > closely surrounded by the larger animals. > > When YD gets herself in trouble and refuses to deal without being > grounded first, she loses phone privileges first thing and "talking to > the boyfriend" privileges second, then moves on from there. However, > that won't work with YS. He hardly ever talks on the phone and > currently doesn't have a girlfriend. If he pushes too far, he loses > access to a particular internet gaming site where he's a regular. > > When our 18yo son (OS) still lived at home, he got different treatment > than the two younger ones because of a few emotional issues he has. I > was ecstatic if I could simply get him to mingle with everyone else > without having a blowup, and if he'd actually help with the chores, I'd > thank him to high heaven, trying to encourage him with positive > feedback, hoping he'd become more involved with the rest of us in a > pleasant way. > > Remember to roll with the punches, and to pray... a LOT. And listen > more than you talk. > > Kitten
From: Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe on 30 Oct 2006 11:39
CaMommy wrote: > Thanks for your advice, all. > > Well, he broke things off with me. He really doesn't think he could > love her like his own. I told him he's only known her a year and this > kind of thing doesn't happen quickly. I even suggested that he spend > time with her one-on-one, but he was adament in his decision. > > If you have any other advice on this, please feel free to post. I still > want to know. > That love thing, that can be a problem. Some people can love their step kids like their own, some can't. Depends on the person, depends on the kids, depends on the relationship, depends on a lot of other things. I love my step kids like they're my own and so do a few others here, but some of the folks who post here don't. There have been many discussions about that over the years. AFAIC, that is *not* a reason to break off a relationship. However, feeling unsure about whether or not a relationship can work *is* cause for putting on the brakes, IMO. If he's got things he needs to work out in his head, then let him work them out. It's better than marrying him and finding out a couple years down the road that y'all are making each other miserable. Here's a quote my son just said applies to me: "Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain." - Martin Mull Maybe he's not ready to have a bowling alley in his brain just yet? Kitten |