Should I bother
in [Step Parents]
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From: wooks on 12 Sep 2006 23:26 I have worked quite hard to build a good relationship with my 16yo step-daughter. I treat her with respect, I don't interfere with her relationships with either of her biological parents and generally I always try to be supportive and helpful. This is invariably met with indifference and barely disguised rudeness. The bottom line is that our relationship simply hasn't taken off - we got off somewhat on the wrong foot (I was having difficulties with her mother at one time) and she is determined to keep us there. She is not shy about taking gifts from me but gives absolutely nothing in return. When we go out for a meal she wears a surly look on her face, she shuts down any attempt to have a conversation, she won't let me help her with problems eg fixing her computer or schoolwork. Most days she speaks to me twice. To say good morning before she goes to school and good afternoon when she gets back. I am of half a mind to say "ok have it your way" and stop making an effort (as evidently it does not have much impact). Should I do that or persevere and keep trying with her.
From: Kathleen on 13 Sep 2006 02:55 I am of the belief that you teach people how to treat you. With teens it is a fine line to walk, between honesty and grace. I have to give my teen grace because she is still a kid. But I have to be honest too when I am having a problem with her. I think most important is to check my motives. Sometimes I find that I only did something for her so she would be overflowing with gratitude, or to make her happy. Sometimes my intentions are good but my true motives are selfish. It takes some digging to get down to my true motives but it is worth it. Hope that is helpful, it's just my experience with my teen. With hope and heart, Kathleen -- He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. ~ C.S.Lewis > I have worked quite hard to build a good relationship with my 16yo > step-daughter. I treat her with respect, I don't interfere with her > relationships with either of her biological parents and generally I > always try to be supportive and helpful. > > This is invariably met with indifference and barely disguised rudeness. > The bottom line is that our relationship simply hasn't taken off - we > got off somewhat on the wrong foot (I was having difficulties with her > mother at one time) and she is determined to keep us there. > > She is not shy about taking gifts from me but gives absolutely nothing > in return. When we go out for a meal she wears a surly look on her > face, she shuts down any attempt to have a conversation, she won't let > me help her with problems eg fixing her computer or schoolwork. Most > days she speaks to me twice. To say good morning before she goes to > school and good afternoon when she gets back. > > I am of half a mind to say "ok have it your way" and stop making an > effort (as evidently it does not have much impact). Should I do that or > persevere and keep trying with her. >
From: COD on 17 Sep 2006 21:35 Wow, I have a stepdaughter and the I get the exact same response. I have no idea what to do, but I'm glad I found this group because perhaps I can learn something from the responses. I'm assured by her father that she likes me, but she barely speaks to me when we are out eating, has the "surly" look on her face, and yes....graciously takes gifts with barely a thank you. Oh, and if the gift doesn't meet her approval I might just find it on the floor of her father's car. It's hurtful...but I do realize she is a child, she's 14. Also, no matter what I ask her she always has the same responses. Yes, No, Okay, or Fine. Hang in there...and hopefully some good advice flows here. COD wooks wrote: > I have worked quite hard to build a good relationship with my 16yo > step-daughter. I treat her with respect, I don't interfere with her > relationships with either of her biological parents and generally I > always try to be supportive and helpful. > > This is invariably met with indifference and barely disguised rudeness. > The bottom line is that our relationship simply hasn't taken off - we > got off somewhat on the wrong foot (I was having difficulties with her > mother at one time) and she is determined to keep us there. > > She is not shy about taking gifts from me but gives absolutely nothing > in return. When we go out for a meal she wears a surly look on her > face, she shuts down any attempt to have a conversation, she won't let > me help her with problems eg fixing her computer or schoolwork. Most > days she speaks to me twice. To say good morning before she goes to > school and good afternoon when she gets back. > > I am of half a mind to say "ok have it your way" and stop making an > effort (as evidently it does not have much impact). Should I do that or > persevere and keep trying with her.
From: rebecca on 18 Sep 2006 16:20 "wooks" <wookiz(a)hotmail.com> wrote in message news:1158118000.181567.90320(a)e3g2000cwe.googlegroups.com... > > I am of half a mind to say "ok have it your way" and stop making an > effort (as evidently it does not have much impact). Should I do that or > persevere and keep trying with her. Well, that depends. Why are you making the effort? If it is solely to get something back from her, then sure, back off. If it's to show her and your spouse that you take your role seriously, that you're open to a relationship with her, that you like her and not only her father, well, those are all some reasons to keep trying. That being said. Don't kill yourself if she's being completely unresponsive, that just makes you a doormat. Don't give gifts if she isn't grateful - or give smaller ones. Saying good morning and good afternoon are good things, try a 'sleep well' when she goes to bed. She's at an age where her friends are really what matters more than her parents, so just keep doing what you feel is correct and give it time. Someday, maybe you'll get there. Maybe you won't. But you'll know you've done the right thing. JMO Rebecca
From: wooks on 21 Sep 2006 23:12
rebecca wrote: > "wooks" <wookiz(a)hotmail.com> wrote in message > news:1158118000.181567.90320(a)e3g2000cwe.googlegroups.com... > > > > I am of half a mind to say "ok have it your way" and stop making an > > effort (as evidently it does not have much impact). Should I do that or > > persevere and keep trying with her. > > Well, that depends. Why are you making the effort? If it is solely to get > something back from her, then sure, back off. If it's to show her and your > spouse that you take your role seriously, that you're open to a relationship > with her, that you like her and not only her father, well, those are all > some reasons to keep trying. > Interesting. 2nd person questioning my motives. If having a preference for a happy household over one in which one individual is gratuitously moody surly and rude then I guess I have a motive. The uppermost question in my mind is the point at which I should stop indulging bad behaviour from a well educated well raised young lady who knows better. |