Should I bother
in [Step Parents]
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From: rebecca on 22 Sep 2006 23:26 "wooks" <wookiz(a)hotmail.com> wrote in message news:1158980306.423049.229570(a)h48g2000cwc.googlegroups.com... > > > I don't consider the realisation that I want a happy and harmonious > household to be a profound moment. In the scheme of the possible things > that could motivate me it's quite trite. > Well, okay, but _you_ said it. Now you say you're trying to give her the benefit of being a family member. Which is another good motivation for trying. But I'm not sure what you're saying "trying" is. My stepson is a family member, with all the rights and obligations that implies. But that doesn't mean I have to turn myself into knots trying to involve him in stuff. I make sure he understands he's welcome, I offer activities/gifts/etc when the moment demands them, but it's not my job to chase him around. > > > Her behaviour doesn't have that much of an effect on me. I wanted to > get views on how hard you should try with a stepkid. > Oh. Well. You should clearly define for yourself what your position is on her place in the family, and you should tie everything you do back to it. Let me think. Okay, I do the laundry for everyone. When I repeated found my SS' clean laundry in heaps on his bedroom floor, I told him the consequence was going to be loss of that family privilege. He's supposed to empty the dishwasher, and I'm a tightass about it, although I have told my husband I don't care if he does it for SS, so long as it isn't ME doing it. So in your case, I wouldn't be going crazy with gifts. If gratitude/thanks isn't forthcoming, I'd let my husband do all that. If she's nasty in family situations, I'd probably make an effort to minimize group outings, maybe doing the obligatory one a week/every other week/whatever. I'd give her _lots and lots_ of time alone with her dad. Just back off if that's clearly what she wants. Don't reject her, or be hostile if she comes through with any kind of olive branch, but just let go of trying to be involved a lot with her. \rebecca
From: rebecca on 22 Sep 2006 23:29 "wooks" <wookiz(a)hotmail.com> wrote in message news:1158980306.423049.229570(a)h48g2000cwc.googlegroups.com... > > My uncle > articulated to me quite clearly why I should continue "doing things" > for her - because you are doing it for her mother. Now the fact is that > my relationship with her mother isn't contigent on how well I get on > with her daughter. I adopt the attitude that she is part of my family ? - sorry, somehow I was thinking you were the stepmother. You are the stepfather? I ask because if you aren't actually married to the biological mother, I totally don't get why anything you do you would be doing for the biological mother.
From: wooks on 23 Sep 2006 05:45 rebecca wrote: > "wooks" <wookiz(a)hotmail.com> wrote in message > news:1158980306.423049.229570(a)h48g2000cwc.googlegroups.com... > > > > > > I don't consider the realisation that I want a happy and harmonious > > household to be a profound moment. In the scheme of the possible things > > that could motivate me it's quite trite. > > > > Well, okay, but _you_ said it. I said it because I was asked that particular question twice. Not because I thought it was an important factor in the mix. > Now you say you're trying to give her the > benefit of being a family member. Which is another good motivation for > trying. But I'm not sure what you're saying "trying" is. My stepson is a > family member, with all the rights and obligations that implies. But that > doesn't mean I have to turn myself into knots trying to involve him in > stuff. No I don't tie myself in knots chasing her around. > > I make sure he understands he's welcome, I offer > activities/gifts/etc when the moment demands them, but it's not my job to > chase him around. > This is what I do. I suppose the word "try" emanated from the fact that the recipient goes out of her way to make it hard. > > So in your case, I wouldn't be going crazy with gifts. > I don't. I have been giving her what I would give my own child (I don't have one), which is birthday Xmas, when I come back from a trip and pocket money when she is going away. I think I am going to restrict that to just Xmas. > If gratitude/thanks > isn't forthcoming, I'd let my husband do all that. If she's nasty in family > situations, I'd probably make an effort to minimize group outings, maybe > doing the obligatory one a week/every other week/whatever. >From now on she'll be told if she's going to come with a scowl on her face and a frosty attitude she'd be better off staying at home.
From: Kathleen on 23 Sep 2006 06:19 Nobody questioned your motives. This is usenet. It's kind of silly to put your post out there, asking for input, and then complain about it. We just share our experience. Some of us have suggestions that might help with particular issues, but no one has the answer to your dilemma. No one has the right advice for mine either. Good luck! With hope and heart, Kathleen -- He Himself is the fuel our spirits were designed to burn, or the food our spirits were designed to feed on. There is no other. ~ C.S.Lewis Interesting. 2nd person questioning my motives. If having a preference for a happy household over one in which one individual is gratuitously moody surly and rude then I guess I have a motive. > > > I don't consider the realisation that I want a happy and harmonious > > > household to be a profound moment. In the scheme of the possible things > > > that could motivate me it's quite trite. > > > > > > > Well, okay, but _you_ said it. > > I said it because I was asked that particular question twice. Not > because I thought it was an important factor in the mix.
From: wooks on 23 Sep 2006 07:42
Kathleen wrote: > Nobody questioned your motives. This is usenet. It's kind of silly to put > your post out there, asking for input, and then complain about it. I didn't complain. I'm sure the "reflect on your motives" approach may often be the right one for some people. It wasn't helpful to me but people who respond aren't to know that and I understand that. In all walks of life there are habits and attitudes that we seem to unquestioningly adopt in situations. Undoubtedly there are times when our objectives do bear closer scrutiny if only to help us see that there may be another way to get there or to see that thats not really where we should be trying to go. However, if I had posted this about a working relationship with a fellow employee (colleague, subordinate or superior), would the instinctive reaction be to question why I really want to have a good relationship with that person, or to simply accept that it is normal to want to have good relationships with the people you work with. > We just > share our experience. Some of us have suggestions that might help with > particular issues, but no one has the answer to your dilemma. No one has > the right advice for mine either. > I have actually found the dialogue here helpful. It has shown me that I am not wrong to feel the way I do about the situation and not wrong to be adjusting my behaviour in the way I am thinking of doing. |