Should I bother
in [Step Parents]
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From: rebecca on 22 Sep 2006 13:08 "wooks" <wookiz(a)hotmail.com> wrote in message news:1158894733.881533.33260(a)m73g2000cwd.googlegroups.com... > >> > > Interesting. 2nd person questioning my motives. If having a preference > for a happy household over one in which one individual is gratuitously > moody surly and rude then I guess I have a motive. No, I'm not being snarky, really. I'm just asking why you're doing it. IME people in general don't think enough about why they're doing something, and what they hope to get out of it. You (general you) just fall into a behavior by habit and continue to do it, even when it no longer serves a purpose or even becomes counter-productive. So you are nice to her because you want your household to be happy and harmonious. Now that you've articulated what you want, it will be easier for you to choose behaviors and actions to move you toward that goal. > > The uppermost question in my mind is the point at which I should stop > indulging bad behaviour from a well educated well raised young lady who > knows better. Okay, but this isn't what you said in your original post... which, IIRC, dealt with the strong effect her indifference and behavior towards you has on you. The answer to the question above is you never indulge bad behavior from someone who should know better. But the hiccup is going to be in defining "bad behavior". And then defining what stopping "indulging" means. Many people here will tell you that it is a waste of time trying to force a stepchild to be friendly. If you have indifference and surface courtesy, you have more than some people. If your SD is trying to shut you out of family things, then your husband should be involving himself. But if she just isn't participating with you, unless it becomes blatantly rude, I'd personally just let it go. You can achieve harmony when two family members don't particularly click. But it may not be the harmony you want or expect. rebecca
From: Tracey on 22 Sep 2006 17:29 rebecca wrote: > "wooks" <wookiz(a)hotmail.com> wrote in message > news:1158894733.881533.33260(a)m73g2000cwd.googlegroups.com... > >>Interesting. 2nd person questioning my motives. If having a preference >>for a happy household over one in which one individual is gratuitously >>moody surly and rude then I guess I have a motive. > > > No, I'm not being snarky, really. I'm just asking why you're doing it. IME > people in general don't think enough about why they're doing something, and > what they hope to get out of it. And the consequences of getting what they want. That might sound kinda weird because of course the consequences of getting what we want are going to be *good* consequences, correct? Not always. :( If getting what we want entails damaging relationships, sometimes it's just not worth it. YKWIM? There's a book I read a few years ago called 'Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by My Kids?' and the author wrote a story about a mother and her late teen-aged son. The son had some jeans that he just *loved* to wear. They were stained, ripped, baggy, and just plain sloppy looking. The mother ragged on the son every time he wore them, the son insisted on wearing them and they would argue and fight over the jeans. Finally, the mother realized that the reason that the jeans bothered her so much was because she thought that other people would see her son wearing the jeans as a reflec- tion on her as a parent/mother. The arguments over the jeans were damaging her relationship with her son. Once she realized that the conflict wasn't because she thought it would be better for her son not to wear the jeans but because of her own insecurities as a parent, there wasn't a reason to continue the conflict with her son. Hope that makes sense. I'm bushed. I'm too *old* to play racquetball six days a week. I'll be glad when our son goes to boot camp and I can *rest*. Tracey
From: Jess on 22 Sep 2006 21:56 "Tracey" <rbrancher2(a)aol.com> wrote in message news:451455DB.3070405(a)aol.com... > Hope that makes sense. I'm bushed. I'm too *old* to play racquetball > six days a week. I'll be glad when our son goes to boot camp and I > can *rest*. How're things going? Jess
From: Tracey on 22 Sep 2006 22:18 Jess wrote: > "Tracey" <rbrancher2(a)aol.com> wrote in message > news:451455DB.3070405(a)aol.com... > >>Hope that makes sense. I'm bushed. I'm too *old* to play racquetball >>six days a week. I'll be glad when our son goes to boot camp and I >>can *rest*. > > > How're things going? > > Jess > > Eh. I'm on ADs again to keep me from withdrawing from the world, I'm going out every morning for an hour/hour and a half and playing racquetball, trying to get the house in order, etc. Been busy. :) Tracey
From: wooks on 22 Sep 2006 22:58
rebecca wrote: > "wooks" <wookiz(a)hotmail.com> wrote in message > news:1158894733.881533.33260(a)m73g2000cwd.googlegroups.com... > > > >> > > > > Interesting. 2nd person questioning my motives. If having a preference > > for a happy household over one in which one individual is gratuitously > > moody surly and rude then I guess I have a motive. > > No, I'm not being snarky, really. I'm just asking why you're doing it. IME > people in general don't think enough about why they're doing something, and > what they hope to get out of it. I don't subscribe to the view that some sort of self interest, be it benign or otherwise is at the root of all human behaviour. My uncle articulated to me quite clearly why I should continue "doing things" for her - because you are doing it for her mother. Now the fact is that my relationship with her mother isn't contigent on how well I get on with her daughter. I adopt the attitude that she is part of my family and I have been doing my best to accord her the privileges of being a family member. > You (general you) just fall into a > behavior by habit and continue to do it, even when it no longer serves a > purpose or even becomes counter-productive. So you are nice to her because > you want your household to be happy and harmonious. I don't consider the realisation that I want a happy and harmonious household to be a profound moment. In the scheme of the possible things that could motivate me it's quite trite. > Now that you've > articulated what you want, it will be easier for you to choose behaviors and > actions to move you toward that goal. > In 2 years she and her attitude will be gone to college. She has a good relationship with her father, she evidently doesn't want one with me (no I don't want to compete with her dad). I will let her worry about behaviours and goals. I will remain open available and accessible if she wants me but I can live with Good Morning Good Evening as being the sum total of our interactions. > > > > > The uppermost question in my mind is the point at which I should stop > > indulging bad behaviour from a well educated well raised young lady who > > knows better. > > Okay, but this isn't what you said in your original post... which, IIRC, > dealt with the strong effect her indifference and behavior towards you has > on you. Her behaviour doesn't have that much of an effect on me. I wanted to get views on how hard you should try with a stepkid. > > The answer to the question above is you never indulge bad behavior > from someone who should know better. But the hiccup is going to be in > defining "bad behavior". And then defining what stopping "indulging" means. > I don't think this will be a problem anymore. > Many people here will tell you that it is a waste of time trying to force a > stepchild to be friendly. If you have indifference and surface courtesy, > you have more than some people. If your SD is trying to shut you out of > family things, then your husband should be involving himself. But if she > just isn't participating with you, unless it becomes blatantly rude, I'd > personally just let it go. > Thats the sort of perspective I was seeking. Her mother has kept saying give her time give her time... well I feel I've given her enough time. > You can achieve harmony when two family members don't particularly click. > But it may not be the harmony you want or expect. > |