Roller Coaster Life
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From: NotYet1121 on 13 Jul 2008 04:48 On Jul 3, 1:43 pm, Liliana <xen...(a)rogers.com> wrote: > When people say their life is like a roller coaster, we think of > extreme highs and extreme lows. With grieving the loss of a child the > highs are really missing. Metaphorically the highs are a relief or an > absence of pain for a while. Since I lost my son , the days are black > and white and merge one into the other. I try wth all my might to > experience some joy, in a sunset or a good book. I try with all my > might to re-capture who I was, but I fail. I can't even come close. > I try to remember who I was before I had children, and think maybe I > can go back there, and remember me as a little girl or a teenager who > had so much fun, and woke up each morning with such joy and > possibilites. I try this mostly at night when I can't sleep. Who am > I? > I look at pictures of before, and my eyes are bright and shiny, my > smile genuine, a soul that lived in paradise. > You can tell now in the pictures, the smile is forced, the eyes are > dull. All an act. > I walk the familiar streets where I raised my children for over 30 > years. I am the mother who lost a son. There she is, walking her dog > poor woman. I wonder how she copes......if it were me.... I don't > know what I would do? I feel the voices in my head, I see the look of > pity. I am marked. > How can anyone have any real "fun" with a mother who has lost a > child. The words are guarded, the excitement is tempered. > At the beginning friends would talk little of their own children. Now > I hear about their upcoming weddings, their new jobs, how great they > are doing, all the little family intimacies, and blissful family > gatherings that I remember having. > I don't fit in anymore, not really. I am the mother who has lost a > child. See..... there she is... that poor woman... how does she cope. Liliana: Hi! I tried to write to you privately but I guess you didn't remember me. I am so sorry you are in such pain. I feel your pain. I too lost my oldest son Nov. 2005. He was 27 years old and there is not a day or night that goes by that my heart does not ache for him. I understand. As much as I will never agree that anything good could have come from my son Joshua dying - because not only did most of me die with him that day, but the world lost maybe one of the best and caring, kind human beings that ever walked the Earth. Although I think I have always been a compassionate person, I have become and extremely understanding and compassionate person. The only thing that helps me get through the horror of this journey is to help other parents who have lost their child to death. Amazingly my only thought was to help them, but what happened is that it helps me even more to help them. I agree with you - we are forever changed and we get don't feel we fit in a number of places we did before. Since Josh died, I have had the need to distance myself from the friends I had. The ones that said "get over it already", the ones that get uncomfortable if I mention his name. I am not mad at them and it's not that I don't like them anymore. It's that I just don't fit in. I have experienced something that even if they try to imagine - that just can't come close to understand. Because my child died they feel uncomfortable around me. Sometimes I think they fear if they are close to me it could happen to there child - I don't know. The friends that I have are other parents who have also lost a child. They understand the roller coaster - that sometimes out of the blue - grief hits hard. They understand that the Memorial dates and Birth dates and Holidays hurt us. Yes we put a mask on and pretend to be ok - but in our hearts - our memories are of the times with our child and we want with everything in us to still have them with us. No matter how hard you try - you won't be able to go back to the person you were before you had kids or before your child died. It isn't possible. We are forever changed. The worst thing in the world has happened to us and we can live through it and go on with our life. We will never be the same person we were - how could we be? A part of myself died when Josh died and part of Josh stayed with me. I must find a new normal as you must. There is no timetable on grief and often when we really think we are feeling better - we are once again hit with the wave of grief. It could be a song, it could be we thought we caught a glimpse of someone that reminded us of our childs eyes or smile. It could be anything. We love our child with everything that is us - for eternity, so why would we ever think that our grief will be brief? Our love for them isn't brief. You helped me so much when I first came to this site and I want to help you. I am almost 33 months into this journey and I have yet to experience joy, but I am told that it can happen for us. I don't cry everyday like I use to. Yes I still do cry but not nearly as often. Yes I have days when I still don't get out of bed - but I get out of bed lots more than I use to. Truly it helped me to change friends as to where I now feel I fit in with them. Who better can understand this journey of a Mom or Dad who's child died than another parent? I have always loved the way you write. You have always written the words I feel but couldn't find the actual words to say. It helps me to help other parents who lost there children and I bet it would help you too. I want you to know I am here for you always. I am so sorry you are so sad right now. Take my hand and I will do my best to help you up again. Love Lynn - Josh's MOM
From: Liliana on 13 Jul 2008 13:17 On Jul 13, 4:48 am, NotYet1121 <NotYet1...(a)gmail.com> wrote: > On Jul 3, 1:43 pm, Liliana <xen...(a)rogers.com> wrote: > > > > > > > When people say their life is like a roller coaster, we think of > > extreme highs and extreme lows. With grieving the loss of a child the > > highs are really missing. Metaphorically the highs are a relief or an > > absence of pain for a while. Since I lost my son , the days are black > > and white and merge one into the other. I try wth all my might to > > experience some joy, in a sunset or a good book. I try with all my > > might to re-capture who I was, but I fail. I can't even come close. > > I try to remember who I was before I had children, and think maybe I > > can go back there, and remember me as a little girl or a teenager who > > had so much fun, and woke up each morning with such joy and > > possibilites. I try this mostly at night when I can't sleep. Who am > > I? > > I look at pictures of before, and my eyes are bright and shiny, my > > smile genuine, a soul that lived in paradise. > > You can tell now in the pictures, the smile is forced, the eyes are > > dull. All an act. > > I walk the familiar streets where I raised my children for over 30 > > years. I am the mother who lost a son. There she is, walking her dog > > poor woman. I wonder how she copes......if it were me.... I don't > > know what I would do? I feel the voices in my head, I see the look of > > pity. I am marked. > > How can anyone have any real "fun" with a mother who has lost a > > child. The words are guarded, the excitement is tempered. > > At the beginning friends would talk little of their own children. Now > > I hear about their upcoming weddings, their new jobs, how great they > > are doing, all the little family intimacies, and blissful family > > gatherings that I remember having. > > I don't fit in anymore, not really. I am the mother who has lost a > > child. See..... there she is... that poor woman... how does she cope.. > > Liliana: > > Hi! I tried to write to you privately but I guess you didn't remember > me. I am so sorry you are in such pain. I feel your pain. I too lost > my oldest son Nov. 2005. He was 27 years old and there is not a day or > night that goes by that my heart does not ache for him. I understand. > As much as I will never agree that anything good could have come from > my son Joshua dying - because not only did most of me die with him > that day, but the world lost maybe one of the best and caring, kind > human beings that ever walked the Earth. Although I think I have > always been a compassionate person, I have become and extremely > understanding and compassionate person. The only thing that helps me > get through the horror of this journey is to help other parents who > have lost their child to death. Amazingly my only thought was to help > them, but what happened is that it helps me even more to help them. > > I agree with you - we are forever changed and we get don't feel we fit > in a number of places we did before. Since Josh died, I have had the > need to distance myself from the friends I had. The ones that said > "get over it already", the ones that get uncomfortable if I mention > his name. I am not mad at them and it's not that I don't like them > anymore. It's that I just don't fit in. I have experienced something > that even if they try to imagine - that just can't come close to > understand. Because my child died they feel uncomfortable around me. > Sometimes I think they fear if they are close to me it could happen to > there child - I don't know. The friends that I have are other parents > who have also lost a child. They understand the roller coaster - that > sometimes out of the blue - grief hits hard. They understand that the > Memorial dates and Birth dates and Holidays hurt us. Yes we put a mask > on and pretend to be ok - but in our hearts - our memories are of the > times with our child and we want with everything in us to still have > them with us. > > No matter how hard you try - you won't be able to go back to the > person you were before you had kids or before your child died. It > isn't possible. We are forever changed. The worst thing in the world > has happened to us and we can live through it and go on with our life. > We will never be the same person we were - how could we be? A part of > myself died when Josh died and part of Josh stayed with me. I must > find a new normal as you must. There is no timetable on grief and > often when we really think we are feeling better - we are once again > hit with the wave of grief. It could be a song, it could be we thought > we caught a glimpse of someone that reminded us of our childs eyes or > smile. It could be anything. We love our child with everything that is > us - for eternity, so why would we ever think that our grief will be > brief? Our love for them isn't brief. You helped me so much when I > first came to this site and I want to help you. I am almost 33 months > into this journey and I have yet to experience joy, but I am told that > it can happen for us. I don't cry everyday like I use to. Yes I still > do cry but not nearly as often. Yes I have days when I still don't get > out of bed - but I get out of bed lots more than I use to. Truly it > helped me to change friends as to where I now feel I fit in with them. > Who better can understand this journey of a Mom or Dad who's child > died than another parent? > > I have always loved the way you write. You have always written the > words I feel but couldn't find the actual words to say. It helps me to > help other parents who lost there children and I bet it would help you > too. I want you to know I am here for you always. I am so sorry you > are so sad right now. Take my hand and I will do my best to help you > up again. > > Love Lynn - Josh's MOM- Hide quoted text - > > - Show quoted text - Dear Lynn, and forever Josh's Mom..... it is so good to hear from you, and read your words of comfort and hope. I am also glad that in some small way my thoughts and often rambling words have helped place words on your innermost feelings..... because in the end it is the words we remember, words and actions that give hope. I now know how important "words" are. Words are what I have of James now, and of course the visual memory of his silence, his sleeping, his playing. I am so glad that in his whole life James did not say anything truly mean to me, his brother or his father. He "watched" his words. Maybe he knew. Many times, upon leaving the house, he would rush back in... and say "hey guys, I forget something important..... oh yah, I love you all". Words. Another time (as if I knew) I was having a bad day, and I said to James " James, I just don't know what I would do if I ever lost you or your brother?" I see his eyes still, full of sorrow and understanding..... words.... |I know mom, I know. All of us have our stories, our moments, our own movies in our heads. The thing is with me, Lynn, I used to help a lot of people with volunteer work, prison work, hospital work, always there for a friend, often neglecting my family to help others. If I am truthful, a lot of my volunteer work was self - serving, as I thought surely my good works will protect me and my family. It didn't. I know, that is all "magical thinking". Now in many ways my heart is hardened. I have even tried to reach out to some bereaved parents, and often it seems each of us is in a different stages of grief, and can offer little support. I tried another support group recently, but because James has been gone for almost 10 years, I was the last to speak, the last to be acknowledged, as I understand the early grief is so raw, and I got the feeling that I didn't belong as much as them. The group leader I felt saw me, as a discouragement to the others, who were early in their grief, and there I was almost ten years later...... in deep grief. As soon as I said something, the group leader would say how wonderfully she is doing after many years, and I just got quieter and quieter, and as a matter of fact the group made me feel worse. So... it seemed another place I didn't belong. People have talked of God, and how it helps. I understand where you are all coming from, and I wish I could receive the comfort you get, as I know it helps tremondously. I went to church every Sunday, and my boys went also, well into their late teens. I thought I was doing everything right (magical thinking, I know). Do I go back now and do the same things? Help others.... volunteer....go to church , pray. I try to help others when I can, but I no longer seek out others to help. I'm tired, and my soul is lacking light, and my mind does not absorb the beauty of poetry, the sound of music, in the way it once did. Sometimes I actually feel hate towards some people, even friends, maybe hate is a strong word, but that is the word that comes to mind as I write. Sometimes, I talk of James, and they talk over me, and talk of their living children. I want to run away from them. I never want to see them again, I want to tell them, that I don;t care their daughter is getting married, or their son lost their job, or about their grandchildren. MY son died. The other day on t.v. they were asking a famous author what her worst fear was. You guessed it. I looked at the change in her face, her eyes, the way her face fell, and in an instant she looked older. I knew. She couldn't get the words out. This author, could not get the words out of her mouth, but bravely and very faintley she said" losing a child" and she then stopped immediately , and commented that she did not even want to speak the words. (magical thinking).... if you say it ... it might happen. But, I know my soul and mind can be reached, because I respond to you Lynn, and others who have written with heartfelt thoughts. I am reached by all of you, and I thank you from the botttom of my broken heart. Liliana James' Mom..... 1974-1998 (James will finally get his official plaque this Sept.)
From: NotYet1121 on 14 Jul 2008 22:18
On Jul 13, 12:17 pm, Liliana <xen...(a)rogers.com> wrote: > On Jul 13, 4:48 am, NotYet1121 <NotYet1...(a)gmail.com> wrote: > > > > > On Jul 3, 1:43 pm, Liliana <xen...(a)rogers.com> wrote: > > > > When people say their life is like a roller coaster, we think of > > > extreme highs and extreme lows. With grieving the loss of a child the > > > highs are really missing. Metaphorically the highs are a relief or an > > > absence of pain for a while. Since I lost my son , the days are black > > > and white and merge one into the other. I try wth all my might to > > > experience some joy, in a sunset or a good book. I try with all my > > > might to re-capture who I was, but I fail. I can't even come close. > > > I try to remember who I was before I had children, and think maybe I > > > can go back there, and remember me as a little girl or a teenager who > > > had so much fun, and woke up each morning with such joy and > > > possibilites. I try this mostly at night when I can't sleep. Who am > > > I? > > > I look at pictures of before, and my eyes are bright and shiny, my > > > smile genuine, a soul that lived in paradise. > > > You can tell now in the pictures, the smile is forced, the eyes are > > > dull. All an act. > > > I walk the familiar streets where I raised my children for over 30 > > > years. I am the mother who lost a son. There she is, walking her dog > > > poor woman. I wonder how she copes......if it were me.... I don't > > > know what I would do? I feel the voices in my head, I see the look of > > > pity. I am marked. > > > How can anyone have any real "fun" with a mother who has lost a > > > child. The words are guarded, the excitement is tempered. > > > At the beginning friends would talk little of their own children. Now > > > I hear about their upcoming weddings, their new jobs, how great they > > > are doing, all the little family intimacies, and blissful family > > > gatherings that I remember having. > > > I don't fit in anymore, not really. I am the mother who has lost a > > > child. See..... there she is... that poor woman... how does she cope.. > > > Liliana: > > > Hi! I tried to write to you privately but I guess you didn't remember > > me. I am so sorry you are in such pain. I feel your pain. I too lost > > my oldest son Nov. 2005. He was 27 years old and there is not a day or > > night that goes by that my heart does not ache for him. I understand. > > As much as I will never agree that anything good could have come from > > my son Joshua dying - because not only did most of me die with him > > that day, but the world lost maybe one of the best and caring, kind > > human beings that ever walked the Earth. Although I think I have > > always been a compassionate person, I have become and extremely > > understanding and compassionate person. The only thing that helps me > > get through the horror of this journey is to help other parents who > > have lost their child to death. Amazingly my only thought was to help > > them, but what happened is that it helps me even more to help them. > > > I agree with you - we are forever changed and we get don't feel we fit > > in a number of places we did before. Since Josh died, I have had the > > need to distance myself from the friends I had. The ones that said > > "get over it already", the ones that get uncomfortable if I mention > > his name. I am not mad at them and it's not that I don't like them > > anymore. It's that I just don't fit in. I have experienced something > > that even if they try to imagine - that just can't come close to > > understand. Because my child died they feel uncomfortable around me. > > Sometimes I think they fear if they are close to me it could happen to > > there child - I don't know. The friends that I have are other parents > > who have also lost a child. They understand the roller coaster - that > > sometimes out of the blue - grief hits hard. They understand that the > > Memorial dates and Birth dates and Holidays hurt us. Yes we put a mask > > on and pretend to be ok - but in our hearts - our memories are of the > > times with our child and we want with everything in us to still have > > them with us. > > > No matter how hard you try - you won't be able to go back to the > > person you were before you had kids or before your child died. It > > isn't possible. We are forever changed. The worst thing in the world > > has happened to us and we can live through it and go on with our life. > > We will never be the same person we were - how could we be? A part of > > myself died when Josh died and part of Josh stayed with me. I must > > find a new normal as you must. There is no timetable on grief and > > often when we really think we are feeling better - we are once again > > hit with the wave of grief. It could be a song, it could be we thought > > we caught a glimpse of someone that reminded us of our childs eyes or > > smile. It could be anything. We love our child with everything that is > > us - for eternity, so why would we ever think that our grief will be > > brief? Our love for them isn't brief. You helped me so much when I > > first came to this site and I want to help you. I am almost 33 months > > into this journey and I have yet to experience joy, but I am told that > > it can happen for us. I don't cry everyday like I use to. Yes I still > > do cry but not nearly as often. Yes I have days when I still don't get > > out of bed - but I get out of bed lots more than I use to. Truly it > > helped me to change friends as to where I now feel I fit in with them. > > Who better can understand this journey of a Mom or Dad who's child > > died than another parent? > > > I have always loved the way you write. You have always written the > > words I feel but couldn't find the actual words to say. It helps me to > > help other parents who lost there children and I bet it would help you > > too. I want you to know I am here for you always. I am so sorry you > > are so sad right now. Take my hand and I will do my best to help you > > up again. > > > Love Lynn - Josh's MOM- Hide quoted text - > > > - Show quoted text - > > Dear Lynn, and forever Josh's Mom..... it is so good to hear from > you, and read your words of comfort and hope. I am also glad that in > some small way my thoughts and often rambling words have helped place > words on your innermost feelings..... because in the end it is the > words we remember, words and actions that give hope. I now know how > important "words" are. Words are what I have of James now, and of > course the visual memory of his silence, his sleeping, his playing. I > am so glad that in his whole life James did not say anything truly > mean to me, his brother or his father. He "watched" his words. Maybe > he knew. Many times, upon leaving the house, he would rush back in... > and say "hey guys, I forget something important..... oh yah, I love > you all". Words. Another time (as if I knew) I was having a bad day, > and I said to James " James, I just don't know what I would do if I > ever lost you or your brother?" I see his eyes still, full of sorrow > and understanding..... words.... |I know mom, I know. All of us have > our stories, our moments, our own movies in our heads. > The thing is with me, Lynn, I used to help a lot of people with > volunteer work, prison work, hospital work, always there for a friend, > often neglecting my family to help others. If I am truthful, a lot of > my volunteer work was self - serving, as I thought surely my good > works will protect me and my family. It didn't. I know, that is all > "magical thinking". Now in many ways my heart is hardened. > I have even tried to reach out to some bereaved parents, and often it > seems each of us is in a different stages of grief, and can offer > little support. I tried another support group recently, but because > James has been gone for almost 10 years, I was the last to speak, the > last to be acknowledged, as I understand the early grief is so raw, > and I got the feeling that I didn't belong as much as them. The group > leader I felt saw me, as a discouragement to the others, who were > early in their grief, and there I was almost ten years later...... in > deep grief. As soon as I said something, the group leader would say > how wonderfully she is doing after many years, and I just got quieter > and quieter, and as a matter of fact the group made me feel worse. > So... it seemed another place I didn't belong. > People have talked of God, and how it helps. I understand where you > are all coming from, and I wish I could receive the comfort you get, > as I know it helps tremondously. I went to church every Sunday, and > my boys went also, well into their late teens. I thought I was doing > everything right (magical thinking, I know). Do I go back now and do > the same things? Help others.... volunteer....go to church , pray. > I try to help others when I can, but I no longer seek out others to > help. I'm tired, and my soul is lacking light, and my mind does not > absorb the beauty of poetry, the sound of music, in the way it once > did. > Sometimes I actually feel hate towards some people, even friends, > maybe hate is a strong word, but that is the word that comes to mind > as I write. Sometimes, I talk of James, and they talk over me, and > talk of their living children. I want to run away from them. I never > want to see them again, I want to tell them, that I don;t care their > daughter is getting married, or their son lost their job, or about > their grandchildren. MY son died. > The other day on t.v. they were asking a famous author what her worst > fear was. You guessed it. I looked at the change in her face, her > eyes, the way her face fell, and in an instant she looked older. I > knew. She couldn't get the words out. This author, could not get the > words out of her mouth, but bravely and very faintley she said" > losing a child" and she then stopped immediately , and commented that > she did not even want to speak the words. (magical thinking).... if > you say it ... it might happen. > But, I know my soul and mind can be reached, because I respond to you > Lynn, and others who have written with heartfelt thoughts. I am > reached by all of you, and I thank you from the botttom of my ... > > read more » Liliana: You know that there is no time limit of grief. In a the very large grief group I am in, there are parents who lost children two decades ago. The pain is there forever, I mean we love them forever. We love them just as much as we have always loved them - since our love will never get less for them, of course the pain of losing them, missing them and mourning them will remain with us. They are and will always be our children - for eternity. I know many Moms who have reached the 10 year mark and even though at times during the last few years they did feel their grief to soften and they were able to continue living. They have all said something made them feel like they were back at the beginning as the 10 year mark approached. Your feelings are normal and I hope you believe me when I tell you this. I understand when the best thing you can do is breath and just survive. Sometimes that is all we can do. It's okay that you are unable to help others right now. Be gentle to yourself and let others help you. Grief is a strange thing that I certainly didn't understand before my son died. Some days we all have bad days, worse days and not so bad days. Sometimes the sadness and the extra bad days are much more than just days - they are prolonged periods of times. I know the pain of losing my son and I can not imagine getting to the 10 year mark. I mean that is huge - it's been 10 years since you saw him, hugged him, talked to him and was with him. For me 33 months feels like forever and I am shocked I am still alive because I was sure the pain would have killed me. Sometimes even though I am past just being in shock - I feel shocked and think this can not be real - my Joshua can't be dead. That doesn't last long because reality comes through that yes he is dead. I understand that we can't all get comfort from religion. I feel the same as you do on the subject. I do truly believe I will be with him after I die - I couldn't go on if I didn't believe that. My son and I had a connection that was soul to soul and that is why I am sure I will be with him again. As you know each tear you cry does get you closer to a bit of healing. No I don't mean healing in the sense that you will no longer grieve or be without pain. I don't believe for one moment that you are a downer to us that are newer on this journey. To me, it just tells me that you love your James with everything that is you! You are a good Mother, a loving Mother. You can be proud of that. Being James Mother did not stop when he died. Wouldn't it be horrible if after his death - you had just jumped back into life and never thought or spoke of him again? You know there are parents out there like that. That would have been so sad both for you and for our children. It's time for you to get help from all of us and from all your support people in your life. I for one hold my hand out to you - take it and I will help to hold you up until you feel a bit better. This is the cruelest and hardest road anyone could ever be on. We have to take care of each other because so many others really don't understand. Love Lynn Josh's Mom |