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From: sassafras on 1 Apr 2007 08:53
Have you ever felt like you are suffocating from grief? And your heart
is so heavy it's pulling you down. And it's all you can do not to
sink. I've not felt like this forever and I could literally kill my
sister for talking me into leaving college to *get married." Then how
rich that experience was I'm so grateful. But it's so complicated.
Yes, I confess. I broke the universal dating code of conduct to
*never* absolutely EVER call on a weekend. Last of all, three times in
a row. *GASP* the horror. But it gets worse. Not only this Friday
night, but also last Saturday night. For Chrissake the blatant
desperation. It's true; I have not inherited the basic common sense to
determine right from reason. And at this point, I wonder if there's
any hope for me.

The humor is I suspected my inability to manage a halfway healthy
relationship early on. But my sister. She wouldn't here of it. And I
carry this secret within me every day. And every time I attempt to
initiate a relationship. It just crumbles. Automatically. Though the
humor lies in that this has merely only happened with blind dates.
Never otherwise. Which actually, I hadn't stopped to realize. Hmm.
Still. The repeated catastrophes that continue to be my dating
experience are wearing me down. Really. It's virtually eating me
alive. At least my spirit anyway. Thing is. Healing. Just conceiving
of it. The very concept of 'therapy' overwhelms me. I mean. Just
envisioning the effort and time fixing me up emotionally would
possibly take baffles the mind. I don't mean I'm useless. I can learn.
Hence, I look to the future with education in mind. With career. That
is and will be my hope and achievement if nothing else. However,
mourning a life of future and abiding loneliness. It's beyond
grappling. To never know love. To experience and enjoy a family. To be
loved. It's suffocating the very thought. I'd have to virtually erase
the desire from my mind and my every fiber. Which is a kind of suicide
I suppose? A successful career. Which I've never doubted for a second
I couldn't have will have to be my solitary achievement. Yet. It may
be my lack of a current career, which prevents my knowing love. And
that may be. Knowing I am lovable, I can believe. However, not knowing
whether love eludes me for lack of a profession, currently, is the
mystery, which drives me to stay on. So it is with these rambling
memoirs that you likely wish eluded you and ASTP altogether that I've
come to the final decision to carry on.

From: anon on 2 Apr 2007 01:20
Dear Sassafras,

Through the meanders of your rambling discourse your pain spills. I can't
really follow the discourse, but it sounds like the cry of a breaking heart.

And we hear it.

And we care.

Anon



"sassafras" <sassafras78(a)hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:1175432001.531458.110920(a)e65g2000hsc.googlegroups.com...
> Have you ever felt like you are suffocating from grief? And your heart
> is so heavy it's pulling you down. And it's all you can do not to
> sink. I've not felt like this forever and I could literally kill my
> sister for talking me into leaving college to *get married." Then how
> rich that experience was I'm so grateful. But it's so complicated.
> Yes, I confess. I broke the universal dating code of conduct to
> *never* absolutely EVER call on a weekend. Last of all, three times in
> a row. *GASP* the horror. But it gets worse. Not only this Friday
> night, but also last Saturday night. For Chrissake the blatant
> desperation. It's true; I have not inherited the basic common sense to
> determine right from reason. And at this point, I wonder if there's
> any hope for me.
>
> The humor is I suspected my inability to manage a halfway healthy
> relationship early on. But my sister. She wouldn't here of it. And I
> carry this secret within me every day. And every time I attempt to
> initiate a relationship. It just crumbles. Automatically. Though the
> humor lies in that this has merely only happened with blind dates.
> Never otherwise. Which actually, I hadn't stopped to realize. Hmm.
> Still. The repeated catastrophes that continue to be my dating
> experience are wearing me down. Really. It's virtually eating me
> alive. At least my spirit anyway. Thing is. Healing. Just conceiving
> of it. The very concept of 'therapy' overwhelms me. I mean. Just
> envisioning the effort and time fixing me up emotionally would
> possibly take baffles the mind. I don't mean I'm useless. I can learn.
> Hence, I look to the future with education in mind. With career. That
> is and will be my hope and achievement if nothing else. However,
> mourning a life of future and abiding loneliness. It's beyond
> grappling. To never know love. To experience and enjoy a family. To be
> loved. It's suffocating the very thought. I'd have to virtually erase
> the desire from my mind and my every fiber. Which is a kind of suicide
> I suppose? A successful career. Which I've never doubted for a second
> I couldn't have will have to be my solitary achievement. Yet. It may
> be my lack of a current career, which prevents my knowing love. And
> that may be. Knowing I am lovable, I can believe. However, not knowing
> whether love eludes me for lack of a profession, currently, is the
> mystery, which drives me to stay on. So it is with these rambling
> memoirs that you likely wish eluded you and ASTP altogether that I've
> come to the final decision to carry on.
>


From: Nancy on 2 Apr 2007 11:18

Hi Sassafras!

> Through the meanders of your rambling discourse your pain spills. I
> can't really follow the discourse, but it sounds like the cry of a
> breaking heart.

Me too!

All I am certain of is the fact that my life will go on, whether I like its
course or not, and love will follow in its own time.

Struggling against reality has never gotten me anywhere. Then again,
recovering from the effects of PTSD means, to me, to learn how to not
struggle against reality, but live within it.

YMMV

Smile and there will be something to smile about!

Nancy
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