Reconciliation
in [Marriage]
|
From: Erin on 8 Aug 2008 08:27 AllYou! wrote: > In > news:47f6b6e3-8427-4f78-87d1-b20b32c6b4b3(a)j22g2000hsf.googlegroups.com, > Erin <squiggle(a)sympatico.ca> mused: > > Tai wrote: > >> Erin wrote: > >>> DH and I have reached an agreement. > >>> He wants me to take him back and I > >>> agreed. One false move and......... > >>> Just kidding. He was exceedingly > >>> sweet to me today and he is trying so > >>> hard. How could I resist? > >> > >> So is he moving back in before or after Siren comes to visit? > > > > There is no Siren; there may be a soulmate, > > but i have been guided to understand that all > > that mean is she is a very good friend. Now, > > either i accept that or i don't. No amount of > > therapy is going to change anything as the cards > > are now on the table. I accept. If I am wrong, > > it will show up in the future. I am --sometimes-- wrong, > > you know. :-) > > "Now, either i accept that or i don't." "I accept." IMHO, this > represents a huge improvement over what I perceive to be your > previous outlook about very many things. I also believe that you > also need to accept the fact that you are taking a huge risk that > this may not be the case (i.e., that she's just a friend), and that > it is YOUR risk, but that's a slightly different matter. I like > your approach to this matter, even though it's not the one I would > take. > > See? I'm not trying to convince you to do what I would do. :-) If I am taking a huge risk, i hope that it will become inevitably obvious in the future. And the counsellor said she was always there for us/me on such a contingency. You say that this is not the approach *you* would take. I don't know if you are married and have ever been in such a position... what approach would you take? Erin
From: AllYou! on 8 Aug 2008 09:13 In news:fc8be6f9-cd9f-4bd8-8c2d-e163c2e4b0a5(a)f36g2000hsa.googlegroups.com, Erin <squiggle(a)sympatico.ca> mused: > AllYou! wrote: >> In >> news:47f6b6e3-8427-4f78-87d1-b20b32c6b4b3(a)j22g2000hsf.googlegroups.com, >> Erin <squiggle(a)sympatico.ca> mused: >>> Tai wrote: >>>> Erin wrote: >>>>> DH and I have reached an agreement. >>>>> He wants me to take him back and I >>>>> agreed. One false move and......... >>>>> Just kidding. He was exceedingly >>>>> sweet to me today and he is trying so >>>>> hard. How could I resist? >>>> >>>> So is he moving back in before or after Siren comes to visit? >>> >>> There is no Siren; there may be a soulmate, >>> but i have been guided to understand that all >>> that mean is she is a very good friend. Now, >>> either i accept that or i don't. No amount of >>> therapy is going to change anything as the cards >>> are now on the table. I accept. If I am wrong, >>> it will show up in the future. I am --sometimes-- wrong, >>> you know. :-) >> >> "Now, either i accept that or i don't." "I accept." IMHO, this >> represents a huge improvement over what I perceive to be your >> previous outlook about very many things. I also believe that >> you also need to accept the fact that you are taking a huge >> risk that this may not be the case (i.e., that she's just a >> friend), and that it is YOUR risk, but that's a slightly >> different matter. I like your approach to this matter, even >> though it's not the one I would take. >> >> See? I'm not trying to convince you to do what I would do. :-) > > If I am taking a huge risk, i hope that it will become inevitably > obvious in the future. And the counsellor said she was always > there for us/me on such a contingency. You say that this is not > the approach *you* would take. I don't know if you are married > and have ever been in such a position... what approach would you > take? Two points: 1) My response is based upon what I perceived to be your situation, which very well may not be what it is, in actuality. 2) What I would do is irrelevant to what you should do. That which is right for me may very well not be right for you, and visa versa. With that said, and only because you asked, my response is that I would not be in a relationship wherein my DW was that close to another man. I would not be in a relationship where she would host another man in her apartment in private. I would not be in a relationship where my SO claimed to love another man, and that he was her soulmate. And I would certainly not be in a relationship where my SO went to counseling with me in order to try to save our relationship, but then lied to the counselor about her behavior. I would tell my SO that those are not consistent with the kind of relationship that would make me happy, and that while I was not judging her for the lifestyle that she would want, it is unacceptable for me. I would then give her the opportunity to choose to have the kind of relationship with me that I could accept, but only if she gave me the confidence to know that she was sincere, and that she could actually do so. If not, then I would walk away. That kind of relationship is not right for me. If it's acceptable to you, then it is, and you should never accept the judgments of others as to your decision. As I've always said, you've got to do what's right for you, and not what's right for anyone else, and not to please anyone else, no matter who they are.
From: Erin on 8 Aug 2008 09:45 AllYou! wrote: > In > news:fc8be6f9-cd9f-4bd8-8c2d-e163c2e4b0a5(a)f36g2000hsa.googlegroups.com, > Erin <squiggle(a)sympatico.ca> mused: > > AllYou! wrote: > >> In > >> news:47f6b6e3-8427-4f78-87d1-b20b32c6b4b3(a)j22g2000hsf.googlegroups.com, > >> Erin <squiggle(a)sympatico.ca> mused: > >>> Tai wrote: > >>>> Erin wrote: > >>>>> DH and I have reached an agreement. > >>>>> He wants me to take him back and I > >>>>> agreed. One false move and......... > >>>>> Just kidding. He was exceedingly > >>>>> sweet to me today and he is trying so > >>>>> hard. How could I resist? > >>>> > >>>> So is he moving back in before or after Siren comes to visit? > >>> > >>> There is no Siren; there may be a soulmate, > >>> but i have been guided to understand that all > >>> that mean is she is a very good friend. Now, > >>> either i accept that or i don't. No amount of > >>> therapy is going to change anything as the cards > >>> are now on the table. I accept. If I am wrong, > >>> it will show up in the future. I am --sometimes-- wrong, > >>> you know. :-) > >> > >> "Now, either i accept that or i don't." "I accept." IMHO, this > >> represents a huge improvement over what I perceive to be your > >> previous outlook about very many things. I also believe that > >> you also need to accept the fact that you are taking a huge > >> risk that this may not be the case (i.e., that she's just a > >> friend), and that it is YOUR risk, but that's a slightly > >> different matter. I like your approach to this matter, even > >> though it's not the one I would take. > >> > >> See? I'm not trying to convince you to do what I would do. :-) > > > > If I am taking a huge risk, i hope that it will become inevitably > > obvious in the future. And the counsellor said she was always > > there for us/me on such a contingency. You say that this is not > > the approach *you* would take. I don't know if you are married > > and have ever been in such a position... what approach would you > > take? > > Two points: > > 1) My response is based upon what I perceived to be your situation, > which very well may not be what it is, in actuality. > > 2) What I would do is irrelevant to what you should do. That which > is right for me may very well not be right for you, and visa versa. > > With that said, and only because you asked, my response is that I > would not be in a relationship wherein my DW was that close to > another man. I would not be in a relationship where she would host > another man in her apartment in private. I would not be in a > relationship where my SO claimed to love another man, and that he > was her soulmate. And I would certainly not be in a relationship > where my SO went to counseling with me in order to try to save our > relationship, but then lied to the counselor about her behavior. > > I would tell my SO that those are not consistent with the kind of > relationship that would make me happy, and that while I was not > judging her for the lifestyle that she would want, it is > unacceptable for me. I would then give her the opportunity to > choose to have the kind of relationship with me that I could accept, > but only if she gave me the confidence to know that she was sincere, > and that she could actually do so. If not, then I would walk away. > > > That kind of relationship is not right for me. If it's acceptable > to you, then it is, and you should never accept the judgments of > others as to your decision. As I've always said, you've got to do > what's right for you, and not what's right for anyone else, and not > to please anyone else, no matter who they are. Thanks - very astute and I agree with the conditionals, which i expect time to reveal as certainties. The devil is in the details. Erin
From: Erin on 8 Aug 2008 09:59 Lauri wrote: > On Fri, 8 Aug 2008 12:56:32 +1000, "Tai" > <tainuitiDELETE(a)gmail.com.invalid> wrote: > > >Lauri wrote: > > >> And has he given up the apartment? > > > >But where would Soulmate stay if he did that?! > > Oh, good point. Yeah, can't give up the apartment. > -- > Lauri in WA Interesting question; actually i put forth the condition that when he returns to the ancestral abode, she would not be invited to sleep here. Just as he expects his visiting relatives to get their own room somewhere when they come to see us in town (which btw, i would have no objection to hosting) she too can rent a room in a hotel. He has agreed to this condition, as i have agreed to his freedom to socialize with his circle of friends at his ease. After many months, nearly two years, of therapy, the need to socialize more has revealed itself to be therapeutic for him. I am certainly not against that if it helps him. Erin
From: EB on 8 Aug 2008 10:26
> > EB > > Because it's not that bad, and he loves me and there is hope > for improvement, as well as promises on his part. I have seen > situations much worse. As I said, the future will reveal many things. > > Erin I seen situation much worse too. I've seen crack whores living next door screeming at their kids. I've seen child abuse and wino's smacking their wives around in the open street. I seen a woman pull a .22 out and shoot her husband because he was suppose to have been out all night with another woman. Just because there are degrees of "worse situations" doesn't mean you should tolerate "lesser" degrees of bad behavior. Hope for improvement? I hope so, because I don't think it can get any worse for you. You can only up. EB |