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From: samwem on 26 Apr 2007 10:25
First of I thought I'd say hi again to everyone. It's been a while
since I posted...



I thought things were going pretty well for me, but apparently not. I
guess I've had a period of relatively symptom free living, but
recently my wife told me that I scare her when I get so angry so
quickly. In a spilt second everything I've dreaded about this
condition came crashing back down on me. Obviously she saw that I
wasn't doing as well as I thought I was.



I feel such a lot of shame that I've made her feel that way. I always
knew that it was a possibility. After all, who wants to live with
someone that keeps blowing up at the drop of a hat or is sometimes so
"somewhere else" that he cant drive without being a hazard...



So, the short version is that I'm back seeing a counsellor and having
EFT... For those of you who havent been here long, EFT helped me a lot
about a year ago. It totally erradicated the anxiety I had about one
of the traumatic events that led to me being this way, and help stop a
nightmare I've been having almost 20 years.



One of the other things that's bothering me at the moment is that I
cant stop feeling like some sort of fraud. I scored 90% in the DSM-VI
test, I've been to Combat Stress in the UK and their shrink said that
I appeared to have PTSD and was definitely depressed... And yet I feel
a phoney. When I read about some of the things others have gone
through and how it affects them, it's like I'm experiencing a totally
watered down version. Trust me, I'm not saying that I want it to be
any worse ! I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've managed to
keep my family, my job etc... and I have long periods when everything
seems okay. Then I have a setback like yesterday when I read an
article in the Sun newspaper about how one of their columnists tried
to stand up to an aggressive youth. As I was reading it, I could feel
myself reacting the same way I did during an assault I suffered all
those years ago... by the end, my heart was pounding, I was out of
breath, sweating and on the verge of panic... My hands were shaking so
much I couldn't even close the paper.



It's taken me over a day to get over that feeling, and tbh what it
seems to have done is bring things to the surface again... now I can
feel myself being hyper alert, or a little more anxious. I cant
concentrate at work, and have spent most of today looking back through
the old posts in this NG, right from the first one something like 6900
posts ago ! All the noise around me is making me more and more
agitated...



Are there levels of intensity of PTSD ? I know from friends with the
condition that some people can barely leave the house let alone
work... When I feel well, it's almost like my past and PTSD are a
dream. In fact there are some things I cant remember. I cant remember
a place where I did some military training... I was there over 8 weeks
and it was key to one of my traumatic experiences. I remember the
training, the faces of people but not names ( though we were told not
to exchange personal details so that's not suprising ). I remember the
layout of the place, but not what it was called.



I'm pretty confused right now. I understand that everyone is
different, but If I have PTSD, then what makes it possible for me to
function when some others don't ? ( That's meant to be a genuine
question, not some macho BS btw... )



On a positive note, I really am trying hard with the EFT and it does
make a difference for me. It's almost like peeling an onion, but one
that's been quartered. In some areas I've peeled back quite a few
layers, in others not so many. I know for a fact that I feel more
relaxed afterwards. Here in the UK a number of Primary Care Trusts
have started to offer this as an alternative to other forms of
therapy... If anyone in the UK is reading this I'd recommend you talk
about it with your GP / shrink and give it a try... After all, with
this condition, its worth trying anything to see if it helps.



That's enough rambling from me for one day. I really hope everyone is
as well as they can be !



Mark.

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