Overweight Child
in [Weight Watchers]
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From: Gary G on 31 Dec 2005 18:53 Excellent response...GG "Michael Sullivan" <mes(a)panix.com> wrote in message news:1h8fnqj.3welpz165684wN%mes(a)panix.com... > Lisa M <lisa(a)lmdesigns.com> wrote: > >> Hi--I'm new to the group. Here's some background and some questions... > >> My new stepdaughter is 13 and weighs in at about 145 at 5'3". She >> doesn't care about her weight, and refuses to join Weight Watchers (I'm >> on it and have about 5lbs to lose at this point.) She sneaks food >> constantly, and when she's at her mother's house, she eats the same >> fattening junk her obese mother eats. > >> We'll be getting her to do more physical activity, but that has been a >> challenge since all she wants to do is sit around & watch TV (or read, >> thankfully!) Now, exercise will take priority over any other >> activities outside of school--even if she has to give up some of the >> extracurricular activities she's used to doing. > >> My quandary: How do I get this kid to care about the way she looks and >> DO something about losing weight? > > You don't. She almost certainly *does* care about the way she looks. > *Everyone* cares about that in some fashion or other. People make > different choices what to *do* about that. > > Let's be clear about one thing. Her weight of 145 at 5'3" is not obese. > It's a few pounds above the "medically ideal" range for an adult of that > height, but if you go to sites that actually take their responsibilities > seriously, you'll note that they don't offer this recommendation for > children. One reason is that until someone is fully grown, doctors > don't really have a great handle on everything their body should be > doing. It may be that she is due for a growth spurt and her body is > preparing for that. > > Sneaking food is a potential issue, but if you are being a food nazi > about what she can eat because you don't like the way she looks (and > that's a given from the way you describe the situation), she may merely > be having the sane response to an insane situation. Normal people eat > candy. Normal people watch tv a lot. > > I'm obviously can't tell you that your step-daughter's sneaking food > couldn't be something she and you should be concerned about, but neither > should you assume that it is without a lot more information. If you've > never given any indication that you don't approve of her eating habits, > I'd be much more concerned, because then she would be sneaking, not > because it's the only way she can do something she wants to do, but > because she is ashamed to do it where others can see. > > Exercise, for most people, by the way, is about as boring as watching > paint dry. The only times I've ever been successful at exercising > regularly is when there is some game or activity I am into that has > activity as a natural component. Exercising in the sense of doing > particular tasks to build muscles or heart is something I've only ever > been interested in doing in the service of one of those things. I did > strength training because it made me play racquetball better. Now that > I'm playing softball, I'll probably get back into it for similar > reasons. > > You aren't going to persuade her to do anything unless you can think > like she does and understand what she actually desires. That's even if > she is *open* to such persuasion, which if you've been pushing her > already about what she eats and does, she will almost certainly not be. > You probably have to back off for a while (like a year or more) for her > to trust you enough to listen. And when that happens, consider what you > are saying from her perspective. > > Do not labor under the impression that she doesn't know she is > overweight and that lots of people think she should be thinner. She is > a 13 year old girl. She knows. Everything in her universe (including > other girls, movies, magazines, etc.) is telling her she is "supposed" > to be thin as a stick. Thinner than is probably healthy for her. > > Most 13 year old girls who *aren't* overweight, *think* they are. > > She doesn't need your help with that. Think about the messages that you > are sending when you talk to her about what she eats or that she is > gaining weight. Not just "I care about you and want you to be healthy > and happy" which I know is the primary message you *intend*, but also > "You aren't healthy", "You don't look good", "You have no self-control". > Among others. There's just a huge raft of negative messages that get > recieved when you try to attack someone's food or weight problem > unsolicited, and they tend to exacerbate the problem when there is one, > and possibly even *create* it if there isn't. > > Remember, right now, your step-daughter is barely overweight. Lots of > people eat all kinds of junk and don't get fat. Don't give her more > hang-ups than she already has. > > One of the keys to the success of weight-watchers and other intelligent > programs is that there's no guilt bullshit for enjoying things that are > fattening. That way lies madness. The key is to moderate them, by > understanding how many points they involve and only eating them to the > extent that the enjoyment is worth the calories. > > Diets that treat it as if you make a pact with the devil every time you > chomp a brownie are destined to fail and fail hard as soon as someone > either reaches their goal or breaks from the strain. That's where > yo-yos come from. > > Really, seriously, be on the alert about adding a load of guilt on your > daughter about food. Given how parents and children tend to be about > guilt, it may well be best not to broach the subject at all. > > You might want to be completely oblique about it. If she has an > emotional problem with food, a counselor will help. If there are any > other symptoms of such (depression, etc.), you might encourage her to > see someone about those. A competent counselor will almost certainly > identify food issues if there are some. > > > Michael
From: Lisa M on 2 Jan 2006 12:18 Thanks to everyone who responded to my request for input on my overweight stepdaughter's problem. Some of your responses were thoughtful and insightful, and some of them were insane. Just want to clarify a few things: For those of you who believe that her stats don't suggest that she's overweight, I'd tend to disagree. Hmmm---is a 13 year old supposed to have a 36" waist and wear 18 1/2 size jeans from the "plus" size kids department? I think not. Let us also recognize that this is a kid---a person my husband and I are responsible for. This is not a co-worker needing to quit smoking, or a guy down the block who drinks too much, or a passerby who bites his nails. All of those adults can do whatever damage to their bodies that they want because they're adults in charge of their own lives. As parents, we are responsible to DO THE WORK to make this kid as healthy and well adjusted as possible. When she doesn't feel like going to school, we make her go because that's our job. When she's hitting her kid sister, we make her stop because that's our job. We tell her that drugs are bad, and she shouldn't partake in underage drinking because that's our job. Facilitating her weight loss is also our job as parents. Her mother IS obese, which of course I've never even whispered out loud in the child's presence. That would be pretty stupid, wouldn't it? Very plainly, the kid learned to eat from her obese mother. How hard a concept is this to understand? If her mother had been an aerobics instructor or athlete, do you think she'd be like this? No. What this country deems "normal" is far from healthy. Television watching is one of the most unhealthy activities for both kids and adults. Have you seen what's on lately? Not only does it fill our heads with garbage, but encourages us to fill our bodies with garbage as well. Perhaps it is partially responsible for some of you being here on this board and attending Weight Watchers meetings. Have you noticed all the weight loss commercials on TV just as the clock turned to 2006? That's because this country has a problem taking care of our bodies, and its big business selling "solutions". Perhaps if we started raising our kids more effectively and in a healthier mode, our kids won't need to buy into those "solutions" as adults, having been raised with healthier attitudes about our bodies and our emotional well being. Overeating to the point of morbid obesity is an emotional problem, just like alcoholism, gambling or drug abuse. If you drank as much alcohol as the food you eat, you'd have lost your job, wrapped your car around a tree and people would look at you as if you had the disease of alcoholism. Morbid obesity in most people is caused by an emotional issue being dealt with by the excessive consumption of food and lack of physical activity. The kid wasn't taught to eat the right things, and in part, she is overweight because of it. She wants no part of fruits or vegetables, and wants to eat garbage food all the time. She overeats when she's happy, sad, angry and bored. She needs to learn how to eat, and to develop a taste for foods that are not slathered in butter, salt and fat. She has no "taste" for fruits and vegetables because she was given junk food at an early age. Apparently, it is easier to give the kid macaroni & cheese and hot dogs instead of turkey and fresh cucumber for lunch---setting up a craving for high fat, high sodium foods. "Convenience" foods aren't that convenient after all, since they make us fat. Apparently, adults believe it when they view television commercials for "Lunchables" that this actually a viable solution when it comes to what is appropriate for a child to eat. I wouldn't even give that to my dog. (Not only would it make him fat, but it would make him unhealthy.) As far as physical activity goes, many of you suggested increased physical activity that is interesting and fun. Of course, I agree. In the warmer months, I have forced her to walk outdoors. She fought it hard, complaining all the way---but then she actually liked it, and wanted to go. If I'd not forced the issue, she would never have known that she liked walking the beach. I'd like to suggest that many of you wouldn't be in this predicament if someone had showed you the right way to eat, and introduced you to some form of physical activity that you stuck with---all at an early age. Showing this kid "love" is part of my job as a step-parent-and that's what I do. I don't believe that if I show her only "love" she will respond by not stuffing her face with candy whenever we turn our backs. If we do nothing, I can assure you that she will be tipping the scales at 200lbs by age 21...wallowing in depression and eating to make herself feel better. Does that sound familiar to anyone?? What I do believe is loving is to show this kid a different way of being, and a different way of acting that is a more self-loving way than what she's been doing. Teaching this kid new and healthy habits is loving-leaving her alone to wallow in the damaging habits she learned is not. I'd also like to suggest that the "hands off " approach is the way that many people end up being overweight---whether it was their parents, friends or spouses just letting us be. (If she were taking drugs, would we use the hands off approach? I think not.) In case you're wondering...I'm in Weight Watchers again due to the fact that an injury prevented me from the intensity of athletics that I'd become accustomed to, thus needing to lose 10 lbs. I believe Weight Watchers teaches people a healthy way to eat for the rest of their lives-and a side effect of putting that into practice is weight loss. I'm thankful for having WW available, and the sane practices it teaches. If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right. -Henry Ford
From: Jangchub on 2 Jan 2006 12:58 You have all the answers, so why did you come here asking for some suggestions? You are pretty much going to do as you want. I find you abraisve and harsh. I don't feel any "love" coming from you, and if I can do that from this perspective, I can only imagine the way you make your step daughter feel. She is old enough to be wearing junior sizes and even regular sizes. I have nothing more to add. You have all the answers. On 2 Jan 2006 09:18:40 -0800, "Lisa M" <lisa(a)lmdesigns.com> wrote: >Thanks to everyone who responded to my request for input on my >overweight stepdaughter's problem. > >Some of your responses were thoughtful and insightful, and some of them >were insane. Just want to clarify a few things: > >For those of you who believe that her stats don't suggest that she's >overweight, I'd tend to disagree. Hmmm---is a 13 year old supposed >to have a 36" waist and wear 18 1/2 size jeans from the "plus" >size kids department? I think not. > >Let us also recognize that this is a kid---a person my husband and I >are responsible for. This is not a co-worker needing to quit smoking, >or a guy down the block who drinks too much, or a passerby who bites >his nails. All of those adults can do whatever damage to their bodies >that they want because they're adults in charge of their own lives. >As parents, we are responsible to DO THE WORK to make this kid as >healthy and well adjusted as possible. When she doesn't feel like >going to school, we make her go because that's our job. When she's >hitting her kid sister, we make her stop because that's our job. We >tell her that drugs are bad, and she shouldn't partake in underage >drinking because that's our job. Facilitating her weight loss is also >our job as parents. > >Her mother IS obese, which of course I've never even whispered out >loud in the child's presence. That would be pretty stupid, >wouldn't it? Very plainly, the kid learned to eat from her obese >mother. How hard a concept is this to understand? If her mother had >been an aerobics instructor or athlete, do you think she'd be like >this? No. > >What this country deems "normal" is far from healthy. Television >watching is one of the most unhealthy activities for both kids and >adults. Have you seen what's on lately? Not only does it fill our >heads with garbage, but encourages us to fill our bodies with garbage >as well. Perhaps it is partially responsible for some of you being >here on this board and attending Weight Watchers meetings. Have you >noticed all the weight loss commercials on TV just as the clock turned >to 2006? That's because this country has a problem taking care of >our bodies, and its big business selling "solutions". Perhaps if >we started raising our kids more effectively and in a healthier mode, >our kids won't need to buy into those "solutions" as adults, >having been raised with healthier attitudes about our bodies and our >emotional well being. > >Overeating to the point of morbid obesity is an emotional problem, just >like alcoholism, gambling or drug abuse. If you drank as much alcohol >as the food you eat, you'd have lost your job, wrapped your car >around a tree and people would look at you as if you had the disease of >alcoholism. Morbid obesity in most people is caused by an emotional >issue being dealt with by the excessive consumption of food and lack of >physical activity. > >The kid wasn't taught to eat the right things, and in part, she is >overweight because of it. She wants no part of fruits or vegetables, >and wants to eat garbage food all the time. She overeats when she's >happy, sad, angry and bored. She needs to learn how to eat, and to >develop a taste for foods that are not slathered in butter, salt and >fat. She has no "taste" for fruits and vegetables because she was >given junk food at an early age. Apparently, it is easier to give the >kid macaroni & cheese and hot dogs instead of turkey and fresh cucumber >for lunch---setting up a craving for high fat, high sodium foods. >"Convenience" foods aren't that convenient after all, since they >make us fat. Apparently, adults believe it when they view television >commercials for "Lunchables" that this actually a viable solution >when it comes to what is appropriate for a child to eat. I wouldn't >even give that to my dog. (Not only would it make him fat, but it would >make him unhealthy.) > >As far as physical activity goes, many of you suggested increased >physical activity that is interesting and fun. Of course, I agree. In >the warmer months, I have forced her to walk outdoors. She fought it >hard, complaining all the way---but then she actually liked it, and >wanted to go. If I'd not forced the issue, she would never have >known that she liked walking the beach. > >I'd like to suggest that many of you wouldn't be in this >predicament if someone had showed you the right way to eat, and >introduced you to some form of physical activity that you stuck >with---all at an early age. Showing this kid "love" is part of my >job as a step-parent-and that's what I do. I don't believe that >if I show her only "love" she will respond by not stuffing her face >with candy whenever we turn our backs. If we do nothing, I can assure >you that she will be tipping the scales at 200lbs by age 21...wallowing >in depression and eating to make herself feel better. Does that sound >familiar to anyone?? > >What I do believe is loving is to show this kid a different way of >being, and a different way of acting that is a more self-loving way >than what she's been doing. Teaching this kid new and healthy habits >is loving-leaving her alone to wallow in the damaging habits she >learned is not. I'd also like to suggest that the "hands off " >approach is the way that many people end up being overweight---whether >it was their parents, friends or spouses just letting us be. (If she >were taking drugs, would we use the hands off approach? I think not.) > >In case you're wondering...I'm in Weight Watchers again due to the >fact that an injury prevented me from the intensity of athletics that >I'd become accustomed to, thus needing to lose 10 lbs. I believe >Weight Watchers teaches people a healthy way to eat for the rest of >their lives-and a side effect of putting that into practice is weight >loss. I'm thankful for having WW available, and the sane practices it >teaches. > >If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're >right. >-Henry Ford
From: nkd_one on 2 Jan 2006 13:05 i think you should mind your own business and not force her to lose weight and get an eating disorder...she is ok...teenagers eat like this and will lose only when they are ready...the best thing to do is accept her as she is and love her unconditionly
From: Lesanne on 2 Jan 2006 14:28
Well, some of what you say here, I have to agree with. I am an R.N., working on my MSNed. I also maintain memberships in the National Weight Control Registry, NAASO, and a few other professional nurses associations and I have an active interest in this subject as I was a middle school nurse for five years. The idea that someone is morbidly obese without some emotional problems is in agreement with my own personal experience as well as observation of others. That said, many other things you say here are off base. The idea that You can understand and try to "treat" what you see as an emotional problem in this child is dangerously wrong thinking. You are as like to make the problem worse as better. Causing a teen to feel shame about anything is abusive. My own parents were normal weight, intelligent professional people. My father was a pathologist, and a DDS, my Mom a stay at home, but very mentally active person. My Dad did research into what caused tooth decay, and there was literally No Junk Food in our home. Ever. We had ample fruit and vegetables. Back in the days when wonder bread was the new fad we had home baked whole wheat. I still managed to rebel against this and get overweight. My Mom put me on my first diet at age 11. I learned to diet in her face and binge behind her back, developed a huge sense of shame about my body, and carried that into my adulthood. I am 57 years old, and entering my third year of life at a normal weight. Yeah, it was an emotional problem. And what you are suggesting in your post is the way my Mom wanted to cure it. Using your theories, based upon your vast experience of having to give up maybe your own compulsive exercise habit and needing to take off the monstrous sum of ten pounds makes you qualified to know how to help someone who eats for comfort? I think not. I am at a normal weight today because I finally learned a way to deal with the issues that caused me to overeat. Unsolicited input from people who wanted to solve my problem for me, and could not really hide their disgust about fatness in general and me in particular, probably were at least 50% of the reason it took me so long to get here. -- Lesanne "Lisa M" <lisa(a)lmdesigns.com> wrote in message news:1136222319.997863.77720(a)g14g2000cwa.googlegroups.com... > Thanks to everyone who responded to my request for input on my > overweight stepdaughter's problem. > > Some of your responses were thoughtful and insightful, and some of them > were insane. Just want to clarify a few things: > > For those of you who believe that her stats don't suggest that she's > overweight, I'd tend to disagree. Hmmm---is a 13 year old supposed > to have a 36" waist and wear 18 1/2 size jeans from the "plus" > size kids department? I think not. > > Let us also recognize that this is a kid---a person my husband and I > are responsible for. This is not a co-worker needing to quit smoking, > or a guy down the block who drinks too much, or a passerby who bites > his nails. All of those adults can do whatever damage to their bodies > that they want because they're adults in charge of their own lives. > As parents, we are responsible to DO THE WORK to make this kid as > healthy and well adjusted as possible. When she doesn't feel like > going to school, we make her go because that's our job. When she's > hitting her kid sister, we make her stop because that's our job. We > tell her that drugs are bad, and she shouldn't partake in underage > drinking because that's our job. Facilitating her weight loss is also > our job as parents. > > Her mother IS obese, which of course I've never even whispered out > loud in the child's presence. That would be pretty stupid, > wouldn't it? Very plainly, the kid learned to eat from her obese > mother. How hard a concept is this to understand? If her mother had > been an aerobics instructor or athlete, do you think she'd be like > this? No. > > What this country deems "normal" is far from healthy. Television > watching is one of the most unhealthy activities for both kids and > adults. Have you seen what's on lately? Not only does it fill our > heads with garbage, but encourages us to fill our bodies with garbage > as well. Perhaps it is partially responsible for some of you being > here on this board and attending Weight Watchers meetings. Have you > noticed all the weight loss commercials on TV just as the clock turned > to 2006? That's because this country has a problem taking care of > our bodies, and its big business selling "solutions". Perhaps if > we started raising our kids more effectively and in a healthier mode, > our kids won't need to buy into those "solutions" as adults, > having been raised with healthier attitudes about our bodies and our > emotional well being. > > Overeating to the point of morbid obesity is an emotional problem, just > like alcoholism, gambling or drug abuse. If you drank as much alcohol > as the food you eat, you'd have lost your job, wrapped your car > around a tree and people would look at you as if you had the disease of > alcoholism. Morbid obesity in most people is caused by an emotional > issue being dealt with by the excessive consumption of food and lack of > physical activity. > > The kid wasn't taught to eat the right things, and in part, she is > overweight because of it. She wants no part of fruits or vegetables, > and wants to eat garbage food all the time. She overeats when she's > happy, sad, angry and bored. She needs to learn how to eat, and to > develop a taste for foods that are not slathered in butter, salt and > fat. She has no "taste" for fruits and vegetables because she was > given junk food at an early age. Apparently, it is easier to give the > kid macaroni & cheese and hot dogs instead of turkey and fresh cucumber > for lunch---setting up a craving for high fat, high sodium foods. > "Convenience" foods aren't that convenient after all, since they > make us fat. Apparently, adults believe it when they view television > commercials for "Lunchables" that this actually a viable solution > when it comes to what is appropriate for a child to eat. I wouldn't > even give that to my dog. (Not only would it make him fat, but it would > make him unhealthy.) > > As far as physical activity goes, many of you suggested increased > physical activity that is interesting and fun. Of course, I agree. In > the warmer months, I have forced her to walk outdoors. She fought it > hard, complaining all the way---but then she actually liked it, and > wanted to go. If I'd not forced the issue, she would never have > known that she liked walking the beach. > > I'd like to suggest that many of you wouldn't be in this > predicament if someone had showed you the right way to eat, and > introduced you to some form of physical activity that you stuck > with---all at an early age. Showing this kid "love" is part of my > job as a step-parent-and that's what I do. I don't believe that > if I show her only "love" she will respond by not stuffing her face > with candy whenever we turn our backs. If we do nothing, I can assure > you that she will be tipping the scales at 200lbs by age 21...wallowing > in depression and eating to make herself feel better. Does that sound > familiar to anyone?? > > What I do believe is loving is to show this kid a different way of > being, and a different way of acting that is a more self-loving way > than what she's been doing. Teaching this kid new and healthy habits > is loving-leaving her alone to wallow in the damaging habits she > learned is not. I'd also like to suggest that the "hands off " > approach is the way that many people end up being overweight---whether > it was their parents, friends or spouses just letting us be. (If she > were taking drugs, would we use the hands off approach? I think not.) > > In case you're wondering...I'm in Weight Watchers again due to the > fact that an injury prevented me from the intensity of athletics that > I'd become accustomed to, thus needing to lose 10 lbs. I believe > Weight Watchers teaches people a healthy way to eat for the rest of > their lives-and a side effect of putting that into practice is weight > loss. I'm thankful for having WW available, and the sane practices it > teaches. > > If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're > right. > -Henry Ford > |