On Resentments and Buried Anger
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From: Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe on 10 Jun 2007 16:26 On another thread, the subject of resentments was touch upon. I'd like to get folks' thoughts on dealing with resentments and buried anger. For me, this is a very apropos subject. Currently, I find myself seething with so many resentments, so much anger over things that haven't been done or have been neglected or have been done that I feel shouldn't have. To add to it, I seem to have increasing hyperacusis. When I first logged online this afternoon, I was feeling better than I am now. Things were *quiet* here. Since then, Chewy and YD have returned home from church. (I slept in today, clear to 12:30.) Right now, Chewy's trying to find something on online radio for us to listen to. Thankfully, he realized how loud it was to me and turned down the volume. Over the music and our commenting occasionally to each other, I can hear YD, clear at the other end of the house, having a phone conversation with one of her friends. She's LOUD. The combination of noise levels can sometimes be painful. Currently, it's only emotionally painful because of I have very often asked YD to please keep the volume down to a less-than-shouting level, a request she completely disregards. She and Chewy often act like it's "all about me" when I ask for the volume to go down. Thankfully, Chewy's starting to get it. He had to turn off the fan that was next to him, turn off the 'net radio, and sit still to *listen* to hear her, but at least he went to ask her to turn it down. He's finally starting to "get it," but it's taken so long that I've got all this internal... ICK!... to deal with. I'm not sure how to manage this, let alone to get past it. Oh, and telling me to take a vacation - not helpful. 1) No funds. 2) When I got away for a week in November, I just came home to the same ol' same ol'. Kitten
From: S.D. on 11 Jun 2007 09:32 On Sun, 10 Jun 2007 13:26:10 -0700, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe wrote: > I'd like to get folks' thoughts on dealing with resentments and buried > anger. I suspect "dealing" isn't the issue. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive_aggressive behavior is more what needs to be dealt with.
From: Vicki Robinson on 11 Jun 2007 09:49 In a previous article, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe <st_brigids_gate_farm(a)yahoo.com> said: >On another thread, the subject of resentments was touch upon. I'd >like to get folks' thoughts on dealing with resentments and buried >anger. If you figure out how to do that, patent it and watch the bucks roll in. Talk therapy is the only thing that works for me, because I bury so deeply I don't even know it's there. That said, music can help me access some of those places. I tend to stuff anger because I like to think of myself as kind and rational, and anger is neither. I always need help dragging it out and seeing it and feeling it. >For me, this is a very apropos subject. Currently, I find myself >seething with so many resentments, so much anger over things that >haven't been done or have been neglected or have been done that I feel >shouldn't have. Kids or Chewy? I think that Chewy, being an equal partner in your marriage, bears some responsibility here. I'm not sure that kids can be held equally responsible, especially when the bioparent of those children is giving them permission to do or not do. >He's finally starting to "get it," but it's taken so long that I've >got all this internal... ICK!... to deal with. I'm not sure how to >manage this, let alone to get past it. "I'm just so angry with you, I don't know if I can get past it. I've felt abused and abandoned and ignored and blamed for too many years. It's going to take a long time to integrate all this, and to learn to trust you." What does he do if you say this? >Oh, and telling me to take a vacation - not helpful. 1) No funds. >2) When I got away for a week in November, I just came home to the >same ol' same ol'. That's because you came home. The vacation was a good idea, but you have to stay there. Vicki -- "I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott
From: Banty on 11 Jun 2007 11:03 In article <f4jjtt$toc$1(a)allhats.xcski.com>, Vicki Robinson says... > >In a previous article, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe ><st_brigids_gate_farm(a)yahoo.com> said: > >>On another thread, the subject of resentments was touch upon. I'd >>like to get folks' thoughts on dealing with resentments and buried >>anger. > >If you figure out how to do that, patent it and watch the bucks roll in. Talk >therapy is the only thing that works for me, because I bury so deeply I don't >even know it's there. > >That said, music can help me access some of those places. I tend to stuff >anger because I like to think of myself as kind and rational, and anger is >neither. I always need help dragging it out and seeing it and feeling it. The only thing that works for me is looking at the problems differently. And keeping firmly in mind what I can change, and what I can't. Other people (including husbands and wives!) - generally, one can't very easily. ;-) I got some serious "talk therapy" from a couple of really good friends when I was in my early '20s (one is still a friend some 30 years later). Because I was over idealistic about people, and really thought people close to me should do this; shouldn't do that. But that dog don't hunt very much. It's really a process of negotiation between people, and change when it does come, comes slow. So it's really about attitude adjustment, and adjusting one's expectations as well. Cheers, Banty
From: Banty on 11 Jun 2007 11:10
In article <h9u8prth5agw$.oouave6t1qnu.dlg(a)40tude.net>, S.D. says... > >On Sun, 10 Jun 2007 13:26:10 -0700, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe wrote: > >> I'd like to get folks' thoughts on dealing with resentments and buried >> anger. > >I suspect "dealing" isn't the issue. >http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive_aggressive behavior is more what >needs to be dealt with. What on earth does that have to do with this? And keep in mind, as the article points out, that there is some controversy concerning defning a "passive aggressive" disorder of any sort (phychosis, personality). Because it may be a learned coping style. Frankly, IME a lot of what's objected to as "passive agressive" or "obstructionist" really is just someone not getting someone else to do what they want. When there are few avenues for communication between people, or there is little willingness to negotiate to solutions between people where real compromises don't happen, sometimes not going along is the only viable option left for someone. OR - of course it *can* be a dysfunctional persistent style of response. But I've gotten very skeptical of what's really going on when someone is described as "passive aggressive". Is that person generally and dysfunctionally obstructionist? Or is the *describer* just not getting that person to follow their wishes? But, again, I dont' see what any of this has to do with the topic at hand. Banty |