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From: Zipadee on 30 Apr 2008 12:02
My DS, a high school senior, has become pretty awful to live with.
Outside of home, people think he's this wonderful, responsible kid. At
home, he thinks he should get whatever he wants without having to
contribute.

I've been divorced since 1995 and get along well with my ex. Though
prior to this year, DS went back and forth between our houses, this
year he chose to stay with me and see his dad weekly. Recently he got
tired of my insisting he get his schoolwork done (how evil of me!) and
wanted to live with his dad (and dad's fiancee and her 2 kids). He
mostly won't even talk to me.

The fiancee and I get along wonderfully. Apparently he is being at
least as unpleasant over there. My ex is somewhat of a wimp and
doesn't impose consequences and seems to believe that DS should mostly
get what he wants. The fiancee and I have very similar parenting
styles so now DS is causing problems between my ex and his fiancee.
Because they're currently in an apartment, they don't really have room
for DS so my ex brings him back to my house to sleep and DS leaves in
the morning without talking to me, if he can.

At the moment, plans call for him to be away for about 5 weeks this
summer, in the middle. We really don't want him lying around for the
month beforehand and the month after yet I don't think one can get a
summer job knowing they'll leave for a month in the middle. Anyone got
any suggestions?

What does it take for a selfish, inconsiderate, teenager to GROW UP
besides just time? I didn't think I raised him this way, he's always
had chores to do at my house - nothing new there - and I don't give
him money for every little thing he wants so what happened to him?
He seems to believe that "I want it" is a good enough reason for him
to be given whatever he wants. He does not have a car nor will we buy
him one, but he seems to think he should have the use of one whenever
he would like.

He recently started seeing a therapist for various reasons (I didn't
discuss everything going on with him or this would be too long).
Presumably he isn't showing the selfish side to the therapist. As he's
18, the therapist can't talk to us, his parents, but I'll probably
call before his next appointment and leave a message for the therapist
about my perspective of what's going on and I think SM2B will too.

Suggestions anyone? For the selfishness or for a summer activity?

-- Zip
From: Tracey on 30 Apr 2008 16:40


Zipadee wrote:
> My DS, a high school senior, has become pretty awful to live with.
> Outside of home, people think he's this wonderful, responsible kid. At
> home, he thinks he should get whatever he wants without having to
> contribute.
>
> I've been divorced since 1995 and get along well with my ex. Though
> prior to this year, DS went back and forth between our houses, this
> year he chose to stay with me and see his dad weekly. Recently he got
> tired of my insisting he get his schoolwork done (how evil of me!) and
> wanted to live with his dad (and dad's fiancee and her 2 kids). He
> mostly won't even talk to me.
>
> The fiancee and I get along wonderfully. Apparently he is being at
> least as unpleasant over there. My ex is somewhat of a wimp and
> doesn't impose consequences and seems to believe that DS should mostly
> get what he wants. The fiancee and I have very similar parenting
> styles so now DS is causing problems between my ex and his fiancee.
> Because they're currently in an apartment, they don't really have room
> for DS so my ex brings him back to my house to sleep and DS leaves in
> the morning without talking to me, if he can.
>
> At the moment, plans call for him to be away for about 5 weeks this
> summer, in the middle. We really don't want him lying around for the
> month beforehand and the month after yet I don't think one can get a
> summer job knowing they'll leave for a month in the middle. Anyone got
> any suggestions?
>
> What does it take for a selfish, inconsiderate, teenager to GROW UP
> besides just time? I didn't think I raised him this way, he's always
> had chores to do at my house - nothing new there - and I don't give
> him money for every little thing he wants so what happened to him?
> He seems to believe that "I want it" is a good enough reason for him
> to be given whatever he wants. He does not have a car nor will we buy
> him one, but he seems to think he should have the use of one whenever
> he would like.
>
> He recently started seeing a therapist for various reasons (I didn't
> discuss everything going on with him or this would be too long).
> Presumably he isn't showing the selfish side to the therapist. As he's
> 18, the therapist can't talk to us, his parents, but I'll probably
> call before his next appointment and leave a message for the therapist
> about my perspective of what's going on and I think SM2B will too.
>
> Suggestions anyone? For the selfishness or for a summer activity?
>
> -- Zip

Well, we recently had our own problems with our own son. Same thing
as far as chores to do, homework expected to be done, be responsible
and start taking charge of his life, etc. It was *one* bad week that
culminated in an outburst on my part that included 'What the *hell*
makes you think you have any power here?? One call to the SP's and
you'll have your ID taken away and escorted off base. Is that what
you want?? Now pick up the damn notebook and start taking notes!!'
to get it through his thick head that working 10-15 hours a week
at two part-time jobs and playing on his computer the rest of the
time was not going to cut it. (BTW, this was right after he had
said 'But I don't know *how* to go about looking for a full-time
job!' and I said 'Here, take this pen and this notebook and I'll
*tell* you how to do it' and then five minutes of him refusing to
take the pen and notebook.) Within a week, he had decided that
joining the military was the best (i.e., what he thought would be
the *easiest*) thing for him to do.

I digress though. A couple of thoughts: I don't think I would
let anyone, even my child, 'use' my hospitality of a bed/bedroom
without getting some common courtesy from them. I don't think
I would let my ex-husband use me in that way, either. Now, that's
just me and based on what my relationship is with my ex-husband.
If you're seeing this as a way to give your ex (or his fiancee,
since you two seem to get along well) a break from the sullenness,
that's a different thing. But it seems like now, your son has the
'bennies' of 'living with his father' with none of the negatives.

As far as the summer job thing goes, there are a few different
options. Find an inventory service in your area (RGIS is one
national chain). They usually have a huge turnover rate and
don't have a problem with people who are only occasionally
available. Jobs for distributing flyers or advertising might
be an option.

But he'll have to be on board for that.

Tracey

From: Tracey on 30 Apr 2008 17:31


Vicki Robinson wrote:
> In a previous article, Tracey <rbrancher2(a)aol.com> said:
>
>
>>take the pen and notebook.) Within a week, he had decided that
>>joining the military was the best (i.e., what he thought would be
>>the *easiest*) thing for him to do.
>
>
> Boggle. In the current climate he thought that joining the military was the
> *easiest* thing to do? How long did you laugh?

I didn't laugh. Don't forget, both DH and I were in the military. It was
actually one of the options that he was given by me. (Just for the
record, the options were: 40 hour a week job, fulltime in school (all
paid for by him since he had flunked out at the end of his freshman
college year which we had paid for fully and, yes, he *could* have
went to school full-time on his loans/savings he just would have had
to live with us), part-time job/part-time school but 40 hours a week
on school/job/study, or the military. And, at the time, he didn't say
it was the easiest thing and that's why he picked it but I know it was
because it was the choice that made getting married to his girlfriend
something he could do in the foreseeable future (which is happening
next month, AFAIK.) The other options would have been another 2 to
4 years before they could marry.)

I know a lot of you might not agree with joining the military being
an option but there's a *huge* difference between joining the Marines
or the Army as security personnel or infantry or bomb disposal and,
say, joining the Air Force as admin or a pilot. Between the two of
us, we made sure he understood what types of jobs he needed to stay
away from. :)


Tracey



From: Zipadee on 30 Apr 2008 23:18
On Apr 30, 4:40 pm, Tracey <rbranch...(a)aol.com> wrote:



> I digress though. A couple of thoughts: I don't think I would
> let anyone, even my child, 'use' my hospitality of a bed/bedroom
> without getting some common courtesy from them. I don't think
> I would let my ex-husband use me in that way, either. Now, that's
> just me and based on what my relationship is with my ex-husband.
> If you're seeing this as a way to give your ex (or his fiancee,
> since you two seem to get along well) a break from the sullenness,
> that's a different thing. But it seems like now, your son has the
> 'bennies' of 'living with his father' with none of the negatives.
>

I'm not sure what you mean here.
I don't see what negatives of living with his father he doesn't
have. He still is mostly expected to clean up after himself,
do chores, etc, though ex doesn't follow through as well if
DS doesn't. The fact that he can't stay there overnight is
because they have just 1 bathroom for the 4-5 of them
and school mornings are too hectic without DS and THEY
have refused to let him stay over - it isn't because he doesn't
want to. They'll let him stay on weekends - even those
weekends when her kids ARE there. I'm not sure what
he'd sleep on then though.

Apparently last night DS argued with his dad for an HOUR
and was even willing to sleep in the car to avoid coming back
here. Given that I'm asleep when he comes in and only see
him for about 10 seconds in the morning, I don't know what's
so bad. I'm not really sure what his issues are. I only hope
that the therapist he's seeing can eventually help him sort
himself out.

> As far as the summer job thing goes, there are a few different
> options. Find an inventory service in your area (RGIS is one
> national chain). They usually have a huge turnover rate and
> don't have a problem with people who are only occasionally
> available. Jobs for distributing flyers or advertising might
> be an option.
>
> But he'll have to be on board for that.

True. I haven't heard of those around here but I'll look into it.
He'll probably want to just hang around or visit friends. He
can pay for the visits himself if that's the case.

Tonight he told his dad that he doesn't want a graduation
party. It's a good thing because I certainly won't plan a
party for someone who won't talk to me. Now I have to
decide if I should get a graduation present for him.

Next time I talk to ex's fiancee, I'll tell her she can come
live with me! Actually, I don't think she'd leave her kids
though.

-- Zip
From: Tracey on 1 May 2008 21:20


Zipadee wrote:
> On Apr 30, 4:40 pm, Tracey <rbranch...(a)aol.com> wrote:
>
>
>
>
>>I digress though. A couple of thoughts: I don't think I would
>>let anyone, even my child, 'use' my hospitality of a bed/bedroom
>>without getting some common courtesy from them. I don't think
>>I would let my ex-husband use me in that way, either. Now, that's
>>just me and based on what my relationship is with my ex-husband.
>>If you're seeing this as a way to give your ex (or his fiancee,
>>since you two seem to get along well) a break from the sullenness,
>>that's a different thing. But it seems like now, your son has the
>>'bennies' of 'living with his father' with none of the negatives.
>>
>
>
> I'm not sure what you mean here.
> I don't see what negatives of living with his father he doesn't
> have. He still is mostly expected to clean up after himself,
> do chores, etc, though ex doesn't follow through as well if
> DS doesn't. The fact that he can't stay there overnight is
> because they have just 1 bathroom for the 4-5 of them
> and school mornings are too hectic without DS and THEY
> have refused to let him stay over - it isn't because he doesn't
> want to. They'll let him stay on weekends - even those
> weekends when her kids ARE there. I'm not sure what
> he'd sleep on then though.

I guess I misunderstood or misread your post. I had gotten the
impression that life ad Dad's was significantly different than
life at your house. I was going on the assumption that sleeping
in his own room was more about his comfort than a matter of
them not letting him stay there.

I'm still a little agog at the 'day at dad's, night at mom's'
thing though. But if you're okay with it, my agogness doesn't
matter. :)

Tracey

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