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From: Zipadee on 7 May 2008 20:41
On May 7, 1:57 pm, Caitriona Mac Fhiodhbhuidhe
<st_brigids_gate_f...(a)yahoo.com> wrote:

> I added it to mine when YD had one of the phones, because she kept
> running up $50-$200 just in text msgs... and still hasn't paid up.
> When she lost her phone, I took YS in to the phone store, he bought a
> phone, and we had that number put on his phone. <shrug> He pays his
> way. She parties away her $$$.
>
> Kitten

I'm on a family plan with my 2 kids. They use text messages a lot and
I don't
mind so I went with the unlimited text messages plan - $20 total for
the 3
of us. Now that it's unlimited, DS setup his email account to forward
everything as a text message to his phone. So he can always see on his
phone at least the first part of every email he receives. He likes
that.
It would drive me nuts.

His goal is to use over 2,000 text messages in a single month. He
hasn't quite made it yet.

I read a news article about teens and cell phones recently that talked
about a girl who used 10,000 (!!!) in ONE month. That's roughly 1
every
3 minutes for 15 hours a day! Can you imagine?

As for the original topic, nothing new there. DS still isn't talking
to me.
I send him emails when I have something to communicate to him or
I call my ex and tell him to tell DS. I'm worrying less as time goes
on.
(Why was I worried? DS was diagnosed 2 months ago with type 1
diabetes but he seems to be managing it okay.)

Ex and fiancee just bought a house (the closing was Monday)
and they'll be having work done on it until they move into it
in July but they're going to let DS sleep there starting next
week assuming he follows whatever rules they impose
about what he does there. Then I'll get a more reasonable
kind of break from DS. Seems like it will be easier to not
see him at all than to see him for 10 seconds each
morning while he ignores me.

Prior to all this he had been living with me full time for
about 6 months (and before that he had been going
back and forth between houses for 14 years before
ex's fiancee and her 2 kids moved in) so I don't mind
at all that he won't be here.

As much as I like ex's fiancee though, I can't help
but wish they had met a year later than they did,
after DS was off to college.

I figure in 10 years, or when DS has teenagers, he'll
realize "Gee Mom, I really treated you horribly
back then, didn't I?"

-- Zip

From: Zipadee on 24 May 2008 10:47
On May 7, 8:41 pm, Zipadee <phonefanta...(a)yahoo.com> wrote:

> Ex and fiancee just bought a house (the closing was May 4)
> and they'll be having work done on it until they move into it
> in July but they're going to let DS sleep there starting next
> week assuming he follows whatever rules they impose
> about what he does there. Then I'll get a more reasonable
> kind of break from DS. Seems like it will be easier to not
> see him at all than to see him for 10 seconds each
> morning while he ignores me.
>
> Prior to all this he had been living with me full time for
> about 6 months (and before that he had been going
> back and forth between houses for 14 years before
> ex's fiancee and her 2 kids moved in) so I don't mind
> at all that he won't be here.
>
> As much as I like ex's fiancee though, I can't help
> but wish they had met a year later than they did,
> after DS was off to college.

This week my ex finally got annoyed enough at DS
to prohibit him from using his car this weekend.
So, out of the blue, I got an email Wed night from
DS asking if he could have dinner at my house
Friday. I was surprised - I thought it would be
many more weeks before he'd speak to me. But
I figured he wanted to see if he could use my car.

He came over for dinner, I told him no car here either. But things
were pleasant and we had reasonable conversations.
It's almost like the past few weeks of him not speaking
to me at all didn't happen! He had to take commuter rail
somewhere today because he didn't have a car but he
did figure out what he needed to do and took his bike so
he could get from the station to where he was going
because I had other plans and couldn't drive him to the
party this afternoon.

His sense of entitlement still astounds me though because
I didn't think I'd raised him to be so greedy. His viewpoint
about money seems to be that he should take advantage
of the fact that he's still being supported by us to get
as much as he can from us! Ugh. I'm starting to understand
where this is coming from though. Ex's fiancee tells me
that ex feels that because our kids didn't ask for this
divorce, they shouldn't have to lift a finger and should
get what they want! I divorced ex long enough ago that
I never knew he had this attitude. I knew ex had a difficult
childhood because his father died when ex was 8 and
his mother wasn't the most capable person. So he wants
to make our kids' childhoods easier. Before fiancee was around,
ex never made our kids do anything to help out around
the house! I don't think he did them any favors by not
requiring anything of them. Fiancee is smart enough to be glad that
she won't have any kids with Ex.

Apparently ex is really suffering (guilt?) because he actually
imposed a consequence on DS for once. I've imposed
consequences all along - they always feel right to me.
Maybe DS really understood what he needed in a parent
when he decided to stop going back and forth between
us last fall and chose to stay with me full time for most of
his last year of high school.

Someday DSpabiliz will grow up ...

-- Zip
From: Zipadee on 24 May 2008 10:49
On May 24, 10:47 am, Zipadee <phonefanta...(a)yahoo.com> wrote:

> Someday DSpabiliz will grow up ...

Sorry about the extra characters there. It should just say
Someday DS will grow up...

From: Zipadee on 24 May 2008 22:46
On May 24, 1:32 pm, vjr...(a)allhats2.xcski.com (Vicki Robinson) wrote:
> In a previous article, Zipadee <phonefanta...(a)yahoo.com> said:

> >He came over for dinner, I told him no car here either. But things
> >were pleasant and we had reasonable conversations.
>
> Well, kids blow hot and cold. And it's good that he figured out how to get to
> where he was going and then did it.
>
> Maybe he's growing up.
>
> And I'm sorry about your ex, in two senses. Sorry that he had such a hard
> time growing up, and sorry that he isn't able to look at himself and see that
> his reaction to his childhood is creating a dysfunction in his present.
>
> But I'm glad your son is seeking some kind of rapproachment.
>
> Vicki

Well last night wasn't bad but by this evening, I'd had it.
Since I wasn't going to give him the car today, he had to
take a train to the party and take his bike along to get from
the station to the party. I did agree to drive him to the
train station this morning because that fit into my schedule.

I also said I would probably pick him up from the party
which I did. It was a 45 minute drive to where he was.
Did he seem to appreciate it? No. He kept asking if
he could have the car this evening, tomorrow, tomorrow
night. I kept saying no, no, no. Many of the places
he wanted to go to were within easy bike ride
distance or even walking distance. I've never been
one to change my mind when repeatedly asked,
it just gets me annoyed. Then we stopped at a store
so he could buy some soda to bring to a party
tonight and when I tried to point out to him that what
he first thought to buy cost twice as much as another
brand on sale, he got really disrespectful so I told
him I'd meet him back at the car and walked out.

At home, I was having a quick dinner before I took
him to the evening party and he had to give himself
his insulin shot (he has diabetes) and was doing so at the table
where I was eating. I told him to go in another room
and he complained that I was making him feel
rejected. I told him it was just like brushing his teeth
or shaving; he wouldn't do that at the dinner table!

Then he pestered me more about the car when I
drove him to his party so by the time he got out,
I had had enough of him to last me quite awhile.
He told me he didn't like my parenting style! I told
him when he was the parent, he could do it any way
he liked. But I hope that day isn't anytime soon!

The one area where I really can't decide what I think
is where the balance should be with a divorced parent
between spending time with kids and parenting them
vs having a social life and relationships. As much as
I like ex's fiancee, I really wish they had met a year
later when DS was away at college already so he (DS)
didn't have to go through all the changes with his
dad's living situation at this time. I've had some long
term relationships over the years since I've been
divorced but I never got them all that involved with
my kids and I've always been glad I did it that way.

Well, enough ranting. Time for bed. I wonder when
I'll next hear from DS...

-- Zip
From: Banty on 25 May 2008 08:24
In article <d5d08276-2f61-41cf-8aea-508fa8ed5416(a)m36g2000hse.googlegroups.com>,
Zipadee says...
>
>On May 24, 1:32 pm, vjr...(a)allhats2.xcski.com (Vicki Robinson) wrote:
>> In a previous article, Zipadee <phonefanta...(a)yahoo.com> said:
>
>> >He came over for dinner, I told him no car here either. But things
>> >were pleasant and we had reasonable conversations.
>>
>>Well, kids blow hot and cold. And it's good that he figured out how to get to
>> where he was going and then did it.
>>
>> Maybe he's growing up.
>>
>> And I'm sorry about your ex, in two senses. Sorry that he had such a hard
>> time growing up, and sorry that he isn't able to look at himself and see that
>> his reaction to his childhood is creating a dysfunction in his present.
>>
>> But I'm glad your son is seeking some kind of rapproachment.
>>
>> Vicki
>
>Well last night wasn't bad but by this evening, I'd had it.
>Since I wasn't going to give him the car today, he had to
>take a train to the party and take his bike along to get from
>the station to the party. I did agree to drive him to the
>train station this morning because that fit into my schedule.
>
>I also said I would probably pick him up from the party
>which I did. It was a 45 minute drive to where he was.
>Did he seem to appreciate it? No. He kept asking if
>he could have the car this evening, tomorrow, tomorrow
>night. I kept saying no, no, no. Many of the places
>he wanted to go to were within easy bike ride
>distance or even walking distance. I've never been
>one to change my mind when repeatedly asked,
>it just gets me annoyed. Then we stopped at a store
>so he could buy some soda to bring to a party
>tonight and when I tried to point out to him that what
>he first thought to buy cost twice as much as another
>brand on sale, he got really disrespectful so I told
>him I'd meet him back at the car and walked out.

Um, let him make his own spending decisions. It's his money to waste, and
possibly it's not really a waste - he and his friends may well have strong
preferences regarding the brand of soda. Plausibly, he is keen to appear at the
party with the preferred brand. It's the cheaper brand that may well be the
waste. In the future when he's stocking a family houseold, just like you're
used to stocking a family household, likely he'll make different soda decisions.

This needing to get used to not having anything from the parent one wants (the
car), vs. the parent not quite letting go or parenting, vs. the parent longing
for the child to grow up, vs. the the child wanting the parent off his back, is
So typical of this stage of life. Yes, he has to get ahold of himself and stop
asking for the car like a toddler asking for a cookie. But it's not just you -
it's pretty much everybody with an 18 year old.

>
>At home, I was having a quick dinner before I took
>him to the evening party and he had to give himself
>his insulin shot (he has diabetes) and was doing so at the table
>where I was eating. I told him to go in another room
>and he complained that I was making him feel
>rejected. I told him it was just like brushing his teeth
>or shaving; he wouldn't do that at the dinner table!
>
>Then he pestered me more about the car when I
>drove him to his party so by the time he got out,
>I had had enough of him to last me quite awhile.
>He told me he didn't like my parenting style! I told
>him when he was the parent, he could do it any way
>he liked. But I hope that day isn't anytime soon!
>
>The one area where I really can't decide what I think
>is where the balance should be with a divorced parent
>between spending time with kids and parenting them
>vs having a social life and relationships. As much as
>I like ex's fiancee, I really wish they had met a year
>later when DS was away at college already so he (DS)
>didn't have to go through all the changes with his
>dad's living situation at this time. I've had some long
>term relationships over the years since I've been
>divorced but I never got them all that involved with
>my kids and I've always been glad I did it that way.

I absolutely agree with this. Holding off big changes like that for a year or
so makes sense. Indeed social life doesn't have to be held off completely -
it's the moving in and stuff that's really disruptive. I really wonder where
the priorities are when people rush in to this when their kids are nearly grown.
Finish that first, while continuing to date the prospective new partner.

Banty

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