New situation [Step Parents]

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From: lilblakdog on 12 May 2007 11:59

Hey all,

For anybody who only came on here in the last few years, you won't know me -
I used to be a stepmother. SS was three when I came into the picture. I
never thought I'd see the day when that relationship was comparatively easy.

I'm in love with a single father of four grown daughters. His wife died
several years ago, and they hate everybody he's ever tried to date. Like,
really violently hated - not just quietly seethed, the way I do with my
mother's boyfriend. He's already told me that there's no way to sugar-coat
it - they're going to be horrible. He's said that although he couldn't
stand to lose me, he thinks it would be easier on me if I found Prince
Charming elsewhere. I happen to think he's wonderful, and I'm not going
anywhere just yet.

I haven't met the daughters, nor is it anywhere near time to. I completely
respect their right to hate me, but BF doesn't think that's going to win me
any additional points. Does anybody have any kind of a suggestion at all
for handling this, when it does happen?

lil

From: Banty on 12 May 2007 14:27

In article <Gvl1i.178446$aG1.51217(a)pd7urf3no>, lilblakdog says...
>
>Hey all,
>
>For anybody who only came on here in the last few years, you won't know me -
>I used to be a stepmother. SS was three when I came into the picture. I
>never thought I'd see the day when that relationship was comparatively easy.
>
>I'm in love with a single father of four grown daughters. His wife died
>several years ago, and they hate everybody he's ever tried to date. Like,
>really violently hated - not just quietly seethed, the way I do with my
>mother's boyfriend. He's already told me that there's no way to sugar-coat
>it - they're going to be horrible. He's said that although he couldn't
>stand to lose me, he thinks it would be easier on me if I found Prince
>Charming elsewhere. I happen to think he's wonderful, and I'm not going
>anywhere just yet.
>
>I haven't met the daughters, nor is it anywhere near time to. I completely
>respect their right to hate me, but BF doesn't think that's going to win me
>any additional points. Does anybody have any kind of a suggestion at all
>for handling this, when it does happen?
>

These folks are waving hurricane warnings in your face, and you're ignoring it..

Consider that it's not actually about how the grown steps would react at all,
that there's something else (or more) that all this is really just code for.
As in, this or that problem exists (drugs or alcohol? huge debts?), and in the
past, the step kid thing has been pointed to as part of the whole mess that
happens when things finally (as they say) hit the fan. But that's the
'acceptable' thing to talk about to new girlfriends..

Can't say for sure of course, I could be totally way off (I'd say, 50-50 chance)
but this is something I've noticed about people when something's awry. Where
there's smoke, there's fire.

I wouldn't touch it. Life's too short.

Banty

From: Laura on 12 May 2007 14:20

You had the answer when he told you it would be better for you to find
your Prince Charming some where else...it's apparent he has no intention
of standing up to his kids and saying "I willl have a life of my own and
if you don't like it, too bad".... I really do see you on the losing end
and getting your heart broke. I'm sure he is a wonderful guy, sounds
like a sweet natured man too, but sweet natured enough to let his kids
run his life.
Of course, I would still want and ask to meet his kids. Perhaps he can
tell them about you for a short time, sorta "preparing" them, and if
they don't like you after meeting you, I don't think he's going to stand
up to them.
My husband is like that, extremely mild mannered and mild natured, his 4
kids used to run over him bad, they still do sometimes but not if I
catch it. It's a 24-7 battle and sometimes, it just isn't worth it, I
get tired of fighting. I want to be number 1 in a mans life and I want
him to put me first, not saying he love me more than his kids, love for
kids and love for a wife is very different kinds of love. I wish you
both the best.

From: Banty on 12 May 2007 14:49

From: lilblakdog on 12 May 2007 15:55

"Banty" <Banty_member(a)newsguy.com> wrote in message
news:f2528d01hnl(a)drn.newsguy.com...

> A question occurs to me - has anyone other than your BF told you about the
> daughters?

I heard a rumour about how horrible they are, and finally asked him last
night. He just confirmed it.

I'm not sure what you means about the substance abuse and debts. Do you
mean him? Because there's nothing like that - he's a very well educated
professional, retired well before reaching retirement age. And I knew him
for some time before we started seeing each other.

If anything (other than the obvious problem with losing their mother and
watching their father move on), I imagine a good portion of the girls'
problem is that they think women are after their father's money.

And I don't get the idea that the problem is his not wanting to stand up to
his daughters. Don't get me wrong - it may be. And if it is, I'm well
aware that things won't improve and I'll be out of there immediately. We
just haven't reached that point yet - and that's as much my opinion as his
(quite possibly more so, as I've been this route before). But they're grown
women and they don't live under his roof. He's made it clear that he isn't
planning to put his life on hold, just because it may upset them, but
neither can you ground, spank, take away the allowance of, or otherwise
torture grown women for the way they choose to behave. So it will become a
matter of how much I can stand to have foul things said about me behind our
backs.

lil

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