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From: missyannsmith71 on 1 Feb 2008 08:43
My son passed away two years ago on November 27 th, of 2005!!! He was
only 18 years old!!! He would of celebrated his 21 st birthday a few
days ago on Jan. 26 th to be exact!!! I promised him that when he
became legal, I would take him on his very first gambling trip since I
live only two miles from the nearest casino!!! He was sooo excited
about that!!! Now I don't have him as my gambling buddy!!!

I found him not breathing, face first on the living room floor, I live
with my parents, & we couldn't do anything to wake him up, so I
naturally called 911 & the operator wanted me to perform CPR on him,
but he was way too heavy to turn over, so luckily, we live on a street
that has a local fire department right on the corner, so it only took
a few moments for them to arrive, so they told me that they tried
everything they could on him, that he had already expired!!! So to
make a long story short, he had a seizure while he was sleeping, &
that is what killed him!!! He had epilepsy & only seemed to have
seizures while he slept because I NEVER saw him have any while he was
awake!!! I miss him sooo much, so please feel free to contact me if
anyone has any advice or similiar stories like they would like to
share with me, thanx...
From: john.orthwein on 1 Feb 2008 11:32
On Feb 1, 8:43 am, missyannsmith71 <missyannsmit...(a)yahoo.com> wrote:
> My son passed away two years ago on November 27 th, of 2005!!! He was
> only 18 years old!!! He would of celebrated his 21 st birthday a few
> days ago on Jan. 26 th to be exact!!! I promised him that when he
> became legal, I would take him on his very first gambling trip since I
> live only two miles from the nearest casino!!! He was sooo excited
> about that!!! Now I don't have him as my gambling buddy!!!
>
> I found him not breathing, face first on the living room floor, I live
> with my parents, & we couldn't do anything to wake him up, so I
> naturally called 911 & the operator wanted me to perform CPR on him,
> but he was way too heavy to turn over, so luckily, we live on a street
> that has a local fire department right on the corner, so it only took
> a few moments for them to arrive, so they told me that they tried
> everything they could on him, that he had already expired!!! So to
> make a long story short, he had a seizure while he was sleeping, &
> that is what killed him!!! He had epilepsy & only seemed to have
> seizures while he slept because I NEVER saw him have any while he was
> awake!!! I miss him sooo much, so please feel free to contact me if
> anyone has any advice or similiar stories like they would like to
> share with me, thanx...



My nineteen year old daughter died from a ruptured brain aneurysm on
June 4th of this year. It happened at night after a Sunday of
relaxation with me and her brother at home, a lovely dinner with
plenty of laughs. My son found her on the floor. She had very labored
breathing and was unconscious. The medics came, put her on a
ventilator, took her to the hospital and later that day, I had to make
the decision to take her off the ventilator. She was brain dead. I
don't want to be here in this state of existance. In just hours, I
went from a very happy, optomistic mother with everything to live for
to someone who begs the powers-to-be every day to let me die. I can't
understand those who say "Anna would want you to ..." I know how much
Anna loves me. If after death, we are in a place where our
consciousness lives on, and if the various theological beliefs are
true in saying that this place is utopic, then why would my daughter
not want me to be in this wonderful place instead of being here in
such agony every day. Additionally, why would she not want me to be
with her? There is no logic in what they say. People believe that
they must say something along the lines of "you have something to live
for." I think they say these things to make them feel better about
themselves in that they have "tried." If they listen to what they are
saying, which is "you must remain in this living hell to make me feel
better about the fact that you have not died" then maybe they would
shut the hell up. The worst of it all is that these people have not
basis to claim they would know what Anna would want.

Anna's birthday is July 28th and she would have celebrated her 21st
birthday this year. It will fall on a Sunday and we would talk about
what she could do with her friends on the Saturday night before. Anna
loved life, loved me and her family, was brilliant, funny, beautiful
and had friends everywhere. I just can't stand the fact that she is
gone, I can't live with this realization.

I'm sorry I've rambled but at least you know that you are not alone in
feeling the way you do. Not that it will help you feel better or
differently, but it may help you for a brief moment not to feel so
alone.
From: Liliana on 1 Feb 2008 14:41
On Feb 1, 8:43 am, missyannsmith71 <missyannsmit...(a)yahoo.com> wrote:
> My son passed away two years ago on November 27 th, of 2005!!! He was
> only 18 years old!!! He would of celebrated his 21 st birthday a few
> days ago on Jan. 26 th to be exact!!! I promised him that when he
> became legal, I would take him on his very first gambling trip since I
> live only two miles from the nearest casino!!! He was sooo excited
> about that!!! Now I don't have him as my gambling buddy!!!
>
> I found him not breathing, face first on the living room floor, I live
> with my parents, & we couldn't do anything to wake him up, so I
> naturally called 911 & the operator wanted me to perform CPR on him,
> but he was way too heavy to turn over, so luckily, we live on a street
> that has a local fire department right on the corner, so it only took
> a few moments for them to arrive, so they told me that they tried
> everything they could on him, that he had already expired!!! So to
> make a long story short, he had a seizure while he was sleeping, &
> that is what killed him!!! He had epilepsy & only seemed to have
> seizures while he slept because I NEVER saw him have any while he was
> awake!!! I miss him sooo much, so please feel free to contact me if
> anyone has any advice or similiar stories like they would like to
> share with me, thanx...

I am so very sorry about the loss of your son. You sound like you
have so many unanswered questions regarding his dying from epilepsy in
his sleep.. A friend of mind whose son died from a sudden heart
attack wonders also, how could it happen. He seemed so fine, she too
saw no signs of anything abnormal. He was only 31. My son left for
the cottage.... in 1998 happy, vibrant, and looking forward in the
next few weeks to celebrate Thanksgiving. I got the dreaded knock on
the door by the police at 3:00 a.m. Car accident. He was only 3
doors away from the cottage. It is almost 10 years, and I still
cannot believe it. ONly now am I preparing the plaque for his grave.
For ten years I couldn't find the words, couldn't put his permanent
picture there , in the mausoleum where mostly old people are. It is
unnatural to see the face of a young person on a grave sight. Yes,
you will miss him each and every day, people will continue to say the
wrong things, I have heard it all. In the past years, I have joined
2 bereavement groups, have seen a therapist for 8 years, have been on
medication and saw a psychic twice. I quit my job because I could
no longer concentrate.... my job requried a great deal of
concentration. So many losses for all of his who have lost a child.
I understand your longing to see your son again, and do all the things
that you had planned.
My thoughts are with you.... The world does not feel the same anymore,
my relationships to others does not feel the same. I look at pictures
of me before James died and you could see life in my eyes....... now
matter now (even if I am smiling.... my eyes are dead.... if the eyes
are thewindows to the soul, so much of my soul has gone with James.
BUT we are here, my friend, try not to isolate yourself, go through
the actions of seeing a movie, having coffee with a friend, shopping,
try to keep moving and trying new things.otherwise it becomes harder
and harder to do even the simplest things.
From: john.orthwein on 1 Feb 2008 16:37
On Feb 1, 2:41 pm, Liliana <xen...(a)rogers.com> wrote:
> On Feb 1, 8:43 am, missyannsmith71 <missyannsmit...(a)yahoo.com> wrote:
>
>
>
> > My son passed away two years ago on November 27 th, of 2005!!! He was
> > only 18 years old!!! He would of celebrated his 21 st birthday a few
> > days ago on Jan. 26 th to be exact!!! I promised him that when he
> > became legal, I would take him on his very first gambling trip since I
> > live only two miles from the nearest casino!!! He was sooo excited
> > about that!!! Now I don't have him as my gambling buddy!!!
>
> > I found him not breathing, face first on the living room floor, I live
> > with my parents, & we couldn't do anything to wake him up, so I
> > naturally called 911 & the operator wanted me to perform CPR on him,
> > but he was way too heavy to turn over, so luckily, we live on a street
> > that has a local fire department right on the corner, so it only took
> > a few moments for them to arrive, so they told me that they tried
> > everything they could on him, that he had already expired!!! So to
> > make a long story short, he had a seizure while he was sleeping, &
> > that is what killed him!!! He had epilepsy & only seemed to have
> > seizures while he slept because I NEVER saw him have any while he was
> > awake!!! I miss him sooo much, so please feel free to contact me if
> > anyone has any advice or similiar stories like they would like to
> > share with me, thanx...
>
> I am so very sorry about the loss of your son.  You sound like you
> have so many unanswered questions regarding his dying from epilepsy in
> his sleep..   A friend of mind whose son died from a sudden heart
> attack wonders also, how could it happen.  He seemed so fine, she too
> saw no signs of anything abnormal.  He was only 31. My son left for
> the cottage.... in 1998 happy, vibrant, and looking forward in the
> next few weeks to celebrate Thanksgiving.  I got the dreaded knock on
> the door by the police at 3:00 a.m.  Car accident.  He was only 3
> doors away from the cottage.  It is almost 10 years, and I still
> cannot believe it.  ONly now am I preparing the plaque for his grave.
> For ten years I couldn't find the words, couldn't put his permanent
> picture there , in the mausoleum where mostly old people are.  It is
> unnatural to see the face of a young person on a grave sight.  Yes,
> you will miss him each and every day, people will continue to say the
> wrong things,  I have heard it all.  In the past years, I have joined
> 2 bereavement groups, have seen a therapist for 8 years, have been on
> medication and saw a psychic twice.    I quit my job because I could
> no longer concentrate.... my job requried a great deal of
> concentration.  So many losses for all of his who have lost a child.
> I understand your longing to see your son again, and do all the things
> that you had planned.
> My thoughts are with you.... The world does not feel the same anymore,
> my relationships to others does not feel the same.  I look at pictures
> of me before James died and you could see life in my eyes....... now
> matter now (even if I am smiling.... my eyes are dead.... if the eyes
> are thewindows to the soul, so much of my soul has gone with James.
> BUT we are here, my friend, try not to isolate yourself, go through
> the actions of seeing a movie, having coffee with a friend, shopping,
> try to keep moving and trying new things.otherwise it becomes harder
> and harder to do even the simplest things.



Lilliana,

I've read your posts over the holidays, usually through tears. I have
not put a permenant marker at my daughter's grave because .... well, I
have many reasons but mostly because I do not want permenance. I go to
the cemetary almost every day, put up pictures on a garden lattice
that I installed, I plant flowers for the season, planted a large
tree, placed solar lights, created a bed of white polished stones to
rest on top of her site, but I just can't make anything permenant. I
can't think of anyting so magnificent that would do justice in
representing how special Anna is. I keep saying that someone else will
have to deal with the issue when I finally am lying next to Anna.

I took a leave of absence from work when Anna died in June, knowing
then I would never go back. Funny, today is the deadline to let my
employer know if I will return or quit. I have no intention of going
back, yet I've not even found it in myself to respond. I have been
given options for part time, work from home - really, the organization
has been wonderful. But, I can't even make myself get out of bed most
mornings and spend much of my time crying. My job too requires
commitment and I just don't have that anymore. "Well meaning friends"
say that I need to go back to work to occupy my mind and begin to move
on. I have no desire to occupy my mind with anything other than my
daughter, nor do I have any intention to "move on."

I can not listen to music anymore, read novels or watch movies. I read
scientific journals and watch the history and science channels. I
listen to NPR. I can't go into a mall since shopping together had been
one of mine and Anna's favorite passtimes. I can't bake or cook - Anna
loved to do both, and the variety of food that I will eat is minimal
since I can't eat the foods that Anna enjoyed. I will never travel
again. If I didn't have the cemetary, I would never have to leave the
house again.

I too used a psychic, hard to find answers there. I feel that most of
her knowledge could have been found on this site, or through doing a
google search on my name. Anna's obituary presented in her college
newspaper comes up immediately. Two things I could grab on to with a
little faith but hard to get beyond the "method" of communication. Too
much of playing the game "am I hot?" I just so desparately want
evidence that there is something after death and that I will be with
Anna again.

I don't know how long I will be here - hopefully not long, but with no
plans for the future, I hope to just fade away.

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