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From: Anne on 15 Jul 2007 15:16
I've just received a box of items belonging to my father. i think of
how miserable dad must have been to take his own life on January 31,
2007. Opening that box and looking through his things opened my heart
back up to him, my difficult relationship with him, and also how sad i
am that i won't hug him again. he WAS a good hugger. after he died,
uncle david mentioned that he thought that dad was his own worst
enemy. maybe his downfall, along with a lifelong struggle with
depression and low self esteem, was his compulsion to over analyze
himself and others.

his death has had a much bigger impact on me than i ever expected. i
thought i had already grieved the loss of him. i shed so many tears
about him that i really didn't think i had any left. i was wrong.
tears are a renewable resource.

surprisingly, some really good things have come from his death. you
and i are closer. i've reconnected with our boston family members.
and then, a realization about just how much i love life. i find
myself confused by his choice to kill himself. i think about how
unfortunate it is that killing himself seemed like the best avaiilable
option. he must have been desperate for relief is all i can figure.
i've been searching to make sense of it, to make peace with his
decision, to lay him to rest in my mind, to find some closure. this is
probably a really normal reaction and i would guess part of the
grieving process. i'll be driiving down the highway in the morning
and the sun will be shining in on me and i'll think, how could he give
this up? it's SO good. i'll feel the sun and try to soak up enough of
it for both of us. his death reminds me to celebrate the gift of
life. i'm healthy, strong, successful, loved by many, kind, giving,
funny, silly, and filled up to the brim with life. there's no
inheritance save the few personal items I have of his, so his legacy
will have to be, well, me. he left me to the world and my job is to
make my life count.

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