In Need of some advice
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From: goosemar on 4 Dec 2006 11:25 I have a problem, I have been divorced for 7 years, I have a 15 year old daughter and I also take care of my 65 year old mother. I have been seeing a man for over a year, and recently he proposed to me. I own my house, and he also owns a house. Once we get married we want to move everyone in together. We want to move into his house as it is much bigger then my house and newer. My daughter is apprehensive but so far is ok with the idea. The real problem is my mother, she is making all kinds of excuses to why she will not move, yet states that she really like's my boyfriend and is happy for me. I don't want to move her into an apartment by herself, because of her health and some memory issues she has. My mother is acting like a child would act in this situation and I am really puzzled, Am I being Selfish? I am hoping someone might have some insight. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
From: Vicki Robinson on 4 Dec 2006 11:47 In a previous article, "goosemar" <goosemar(a)gmail.com> said: >I have a problem, I have been divorced for 7 years, I have a 15 year >old daughter and I also take care of my 65 year old mother. I have been >seeing a man for over a year, and recently he proposed to me. I own my >house, and he also owns a house. Once we get married we want to move >everyone in together. We want to move into his house as it is much >bigger then my house and newer. My daughter is apprehensive but so far >is ok with the idea. The real problem is my mother, she is making all >kinds of excuses to why she will not move, yet states that she really >like's my boyfriend and is happy for me. I don't want to move her >into an apartment by herself, because of her health and some memory >issues she has. My mother is acting like a child would act in this >situation and I am really puzzled, Am I being Selfish? I am hoping >someone might have some insight. Any advice would be greatly >appreciated. Is his house far from yours? Would your mom have to learn new stores, a new church, a new bingo group... a new community? Has she been to your fiance's house? Would she have the same degree of privacy there that she does in your home? It's entirely possible for her to be happy for you, and yet not want to move. It may have nothing to do with your fiance or you, it's that she's settled where she is and apprehensive about moving away from a familiar environment. Is there a way to familiarize her with your fiance's house before you move, so she knows where she's going, what her room looks like, where the bathroom is, where the kitchen is, and all those things? If she's got memory issues, a new environment can seem very threatening, and can indeed *be* moderately dangerous. Vicki -- "Penetrating so many secrets we cease to believe in the unknowable. But there it sits, nevertheless, calmly licking its chops." - H. L. Mencken
From: goosemar on 4 Dec 2006 12:08 Vicki, Thank you for your response. My fiance's house is only a couple of blocks away from mine, and my mother has been there many times, and is familiar with the layout. She would have everything she has now in relationship to privacy and space. My mom's health issues are more physical then memory, the memory issues are mild and according to her doctor are related to some of her medications, which I handle by reminding her when it is time for he meds. Sometimes I think she is still in mourning over my dad's passing, and that maybe she is holding on to memories of family gatherings at my house, but I am not sure, as she will rarely talk about it with me. We have not set a date to get married yet nor have I begun to market my house for sale yet, so there is time, I just don't know what to do at this pont. My fiancé and I have talked about selling both houses and finding a new house with my mom's involvement, but in the interim we would have to live in his house until we find the perfect fit. I just want everyone to be happy and safe. Thanks again for your response. Vicki Robinson wrote: > In a previous article, "goosemar" <goosemar(a)gmail.com> said: > > >I have a problem, I have been divorced for 7 years, I have a 15 year > >old daughter and I also take care of my 65 year old mother. I have been > >seeing a man for over a year, and recently he proposed to me. I own my > >house, and he also owns a house. Once we get married we want to move > >everyone in together. We want to move into his house as it is much > >bigger then my house and newer. My daughter is apprehensive but so far > >is ok with the idea. The real problem is my mother, she is making all > >kinds of excuses to why she will not move, yet states that she really > >like's my boyfriend and is happy for me. I don't want to move her > >into an apartment by herself, because of her health and some memory > >issues she has. My mother is acting like a child would act in this > >situation and I am really puzzled, Am I being Selfish? I am hoping > >someone might have some insight. Any advice would be greatly > >appreciated. > > Is his house far from yours? Would your mom have to learn new stores, a new > church, a new bingo group... a new community? Has she been to your fiance's > house? Would she have the same degree of privacy there that she does in your > home? > > It's entirely possible for her to be happy for you, and yet not want to move. > It may have nothing to do with your fiance or you, it's that she's settled > where she is and apprehensive about moving away from a familiar environment. > > Is there a way to familiarize her with your fiance's house before you move, so > she knows where she's going, what her room looks like, where the bathroom is, > where the kitchen is, and all those things? If she's got memory issues, a new > environment can seem very threatening, and can indeed *be* moderately > dangerous. > > Vicki > -- > "Penetrating so many secrets we cease to believe in the unknowable. > But there it sits, nevertheless, calmly licking its chops." > - H. L. Mencken
From: SD on 4 Dec 2006 12:14 On 4 Dec 2006 08:25:14 -0800, goosemar wrote: > The real problem is my mother, she is making all > kinds of excuses to why she will not move, yet states that she really > like's my boyfriend and is happy for me. With your responsibilities, I'd say you're not prioritizing properly. You're daughter and mother are in for the long count. Your boyfriend has been around for a bit over a year. Plus, it shouldn't be surprising to you that they are concerned about the possibilities if the marriage doesn't work. Elderly folks and children don't like moving, it's scary for them. -- SD:)
From: rebecca on 4 Dec 2006 13:06
"SD" <sdigit(a)twomuchgolfspam.com> wrote in message news:1etg5wz926o7g$.cozbyhc0z97o.dlg(a)40tude.net... > On 4 Dec 2006 08:25:14 -0800, goosemar wrote: > >> The real problem is my mother, she is making all >> kinds of excuses to why she will not move, yet states that she really >> like's my boyfriend and is happy for me. > > With your responsibilities, I'd say you're not prioritizing properly. > You're daughter and mother are in for the long count. Your boyfriend has > been around for a bit over a year. Sorry, but this is just an asinine response. So she isn't supposed, ever, to be happy again in a partnership? She's just supposed to be caretaker for two generations of her family, and never do anything to improve her own personal life until everyone else is sorted out and gives her permission? Sheesh. rebecca |