I'm on the edge.
in [Depression]
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From: Gandalff on 31 Aug 2008 16:26 Hello people. It's quite a while since I posted in the group, mainly because I feel so rough. I have "given up", I just can't go on anymore, I do not see any point in living or being alive at all. I haven't got a life, I just exist, if you know what I mean. I get up in the morning after a great deal of effort (if I had my way I simply wouldn't bother) I go downstairs and sit in the kitchen staring out of the window at the trees. And that's it, thats my life. I sit there and have the odd cup of tea, and just wait till it's time for bed again. I have turned into a recluse this past year. I dont think I have been through the door more than a dozen times. I had a heart attack back in June last year and since then I am just waiting to die. I don't think I have much longer to live. The doctors say there is no reason why I cant live a full and active life since Ihad my stent fitted (sort of bypass surgery except they dont open you up for heart surgery. Thing is before I had my H/A I had very bad OCD about oral cancer, I used to check inside my mouth in a mirror sometimes up to 80-100 times a day, it was that bad. Thing is I can't look in the mirror at my heart so I dont have a clue how it's doing. I'm just expecting to suddenly drop dead all the time and this makes me scared to do anything. But I have now come to the stage I dont care anymore. I actually want to die. It's only because of my two grown up children I haven't ended it all myself. But thinking about it, they would be OK, they wouldn't really miss me I dont think, after all I'm no use to anyone anymore. I know for a fact I am being overperscribed AD's, I take 80mg Proxac and 45mg Mirtazapine daily, Plus 15mg valium. Its little wonder I dont feel much like doing anything. My wife has given up on me altogether, she doesn't do me any meals or anything, she says I am quite capable of doing that myself, which I am. Thing is I simply can't be bothered to do anything to eat, I sometimes go 3-4 days without anything at all. I just live on cups of tea. After my H/A my doc said I had to lose a bit of weight, I did for a while I lost nearly two stone, but now with these Mirtazapine I have put it all back on again. even though I dont eat hardly anything. I have to go and see my shrink on wednesday and the last time I saw him he said if I was no better he would put me on Effexor, I told my doc this and he is not happy at all about me going on these as I had a H/A and Effexor has been proven to raise the heart-rate and blood pressure, so what the hell am I supposed to do. Thing is if my shrink puts me on them, my doc will not alter it at all. That's why he won't takke me off the Mirtazapine, because the shrink put me on them. I have sat and cried and cried, I have no tears left anymore. I have no feelings anymore either. I just feel dead inside,totally dead, I just look at life through tunnel vision so to speak. I hate going to bed at night because I know I will have that feeling of dread when I wake up, I get that every single day of my life, just shows the meds not doing anthing. I cant think of anything else to write, sorry Gandalf
From: CJ Dunnaway on 31 Aug 2008 17:22 "Gandalff" <gandalff(a)airpost.net> wrote in message news:w7Duk.69197$f%6.34764(a)newsfe09.ams2... <snip> > I have to go and see my shrink on wednesday and the last time I saw > him he said if I was no better he would put me on Effexor, I told my > doc this and he is not happy at all about me going on these as I had a > H/A and Effexor has been proven to raise the heart-rate and blood > pressure, so what the hell am I supposed to do. Thing is if my shrink > puts me on them, my doc will not alter it at all. That's why he won't > takke me off the Mirtazapine, because the shrink put me on them. > I have sat and cried and cried, I have no tears left anymore. I have > no feelings anymore either. I just feel dead inside,totally dead, I > just look at life through tunnel vision so to speak. > I hate going to bed at night because I know I will have that feeling > of dread when I wake up, I get that every single day of my life, just > shows the meds not doing anthing. > I cant think of anything else to write, sorry > Gandalf Hey Gandalf, Hang in there, man. You'll feel better when your shrink finds the right meds for you. Be sure and tell him everything you said in your post. I hope you feel better soon. CJ
From: Rowland McDonnell on 31 Aug 2008 23:44 CJ Dunnaway <cj_dunnaway-news(a)yaWHOhoo.com> wrote: > "Gandalff" <gandalff(a)airpost.net> wrote: > <snip> > > I have to go and see my shrink on wednesday and the last time I saw > > him he said if I was no better he would put me on Effexor, I told my > > doc this and he is not happy at all about me going on these as I had a > > H/A and Effexor has been proven to raise the heart-rate and blood > > pressure, so what the hell am I supposed to do. Thing is if my shrink > > puts me on them, my doc will not alter it at all. That's why he won't > > takke me off the Mirtazapine, because the shrink put me on them. > > I have sat and cried and cried, I have no tears left anymore. I have > > no feelings anymore either. I just feel dead inside,totally dead, I > > just look at life through tunnel vision so to speak. > > I hate going to bed at night because I know I will have that feeling > > of dread when I wake up, I get that every single day of my life, just > > shows the meds not doing anthing. > > I cant think of anything else to write, sorry > > Gandalf > > Hey Gandalf, > > Hang in there, man. You'll feel better when your shrink finds the right > meds for you. In many cases, drugs are no sort of solution to a mental health problem. In *ALL* cases, you need talking therapy. Most shrinks are incapable of providing non-abusive treatment. Most psychiatric pill-pushers have no idea what they're doing from what I've seen of 'em. In many cases, the drugs are harmful and the talking therapy is all that's needed. Gandalf's not getting anything but drugs: his so-called treatment is not designed to help him. It can't be intended to help, since there is no talking therapy component. > Be sure and tell him everything you said in your post. [snip] Print it out, show it to him. Rowland. -- Remove the animal for email address: rowland.mcdonnell(a)dog.physics.org Sorry - the spam got to me http://www.mag-uk.org http://www.bmf.co.uk UK biker? Join MAG and the BMF and stop the Eurocrats banning biking
From: Evil_Nigel on 1 Sep 2008 08:16 x-no-archive: yes On Aug 31, 9:26 pm, "Gandalff" <ganda...(a)airpost.net> wrote: > Hello people. > It's quite a while since I posted in the group, mainly because I feel so > rough. Welcome back, I wish it were under better circumstances. > I have "given up", I just can't go on anymore, I do not see any point in > living or being alive at all. I haven't got a life, I just exist, if you > know what I mean. I get up in the morning after a great deal of effort (if I > had my way I simply wouldn't bother) I go downstairs and sit in the kitchen > staring out of the window at the trees. This may sound trite but it's only a small step - what about going outside and watching? A bit of sun and fresh air won't do any harm and there's so much more to see than just trees. > And that's it, thats my life. I sit > there and have the odd cup of tea, and just wait till it's time for bed > again. I have turned into a recluse this past year. I dont think I have been > through the door more than a dozen times. > I had a heart attack back in June last year and since then I am just waiting > to die. I don't think I have much longer to live. The doctors say there is > no reason why I cant live a full and active life since Ihad my stent fitted > (sort of bypass surgery except they dont open you up for heart surgery. > Thing is before I had my H/A I had very bad OCD about oral cancer, I used to > check inside my mouth in a mirror sometimes up to 80-100 times a day, it was > that bad. Thing is I can't look in the mirror at my heart so I dont have a > clue how it's doing. I'm just expecting to suddenly drop dead all the time > and this makes me scared to do anything. > But I have now come to the stage I dont care anymore. I actually want to > die. > It's only because of my two grown up children I haven't ended it all myself. > But thinking about it, they would be OK, they wouldn't really miss me I dont > think, after all I'm no use to anyone anymore. I'm sure they'd miss you. Read CJD's blogs. He's had a rough time too but slowly things are improving between him and his family. Blood runs pretty thick. Have you got any grandchildren yet? Any on the way? That would be worth waiting for. > I know for a fact I am being overperscribed AD's, I take 80mg Proxac and > 45mg Mirtazapine daily, Plus 15mg valium. Its little wonder I dont feel much > like doing anything. > My wife has given up on me altogether, she doesn't do me any meals or > anything, she says I am quite capable of doing that myself, which I am. > Thing is I simply can't be bothered to do anything to eat, I sometimes go > 3-4 days without anything at all. I just live on cups of tea. It sounds as though she doesn't understand depression (not that I can claim to have experienced it, being an interloper). Does your wife do the shopping? You could ask her to buy lots of fresh fruit etc which doesn't need preparation (eg bananas) then at least you'd be eating a little more healthily. > After my H/A my doc said I had to lose a bit of weight, I did for a while I > lost nearly two stone, but now with these Mirtazapine I have put it all back > on again. even though I dont eat hardly anything. > I have to go and see my shrink on wednesday and the last time I saw him he > said if I was no better he would put me on Effexor, I told my doc this and > he is not happy at all about me going on these as I had a H/A and Effexor > has been proven to raise the heart-rate and blood pressure, so what the hell > am I supposed to do. Thing is if my shrink puts me on them, my doc will not > alter it at all. That's why he won't takke me off the Mirtazapine, because > the shrink put me on them. You doc and shrink aren't communicating. Clearly your current meds aren't working and it's worth trying something different but your shrink needs to be fully aware of your situation and your physical health. I agree with previous responders that you should print out your post and take it to show your shrink, because it's information he really needs to know to do his job properly. > I have sat and cried and cried, I have no tears left anymore. I have no > feelings anymore either. I just feel dead inside,totally dead, I just look > at life through tunnel vision so to speak. > I hate going to bed at night because I know I will have that feeling of > dread when I wake up, I get that every single day of my life, just shows the > meds not doing anthing. It's not your fault. There's no magical solution, but things can get better and there's always something to look forward to if you look hard enough. > I cant think of anything else to write, sorry > Gandalf Evil Nigel
From: Chrissy on 1 Sep 2008 08:54
On Aug 31, 9:26 pm, "Gandalff" <ganda...(a)airpost.net> wrote: > Hello people. > It's quite a while since I posted in the group, mainly because I feel so > rough. > I have "given up", I just can't go on anymore, I do not see any point in > living or being alive at all. I haven't got a life, I just exist, if you > know what I mean. I get up in the morning after a great deal of effort (if I > had my way I simply wouldn't bother) I go downstairs and sit in the kitchen > staring out of the window at the trees. And that's it, thats my life. I sit > there and have the odd cup of tea, and just wait till it's time for bed > again. I have turned into a recluse this past year. I dont think I have been > through the door more than a dozen times. > I had a heart attack back in June last year and since then I am just waiting > to die. I don't think I have much longer to live. The doctors say there is > no reason why I cant live a full and active life since Ihad my stent fitted > (sort of bypass surgery except they dont open you up for heart surgery. > Thing is before I had my H/A I had very bad OCD about oral cancer, I used to > check inside my mouth in a mirror sometimes up to 80-100 times a day, it was > that bad. Thing is I can't look in the mirror at my heart so I dont have a > clue how it's doing. I'm just expecting to suddenly drop dead all the time > and this makes me scared to do anything. > But I have now come to the stage I dont care anymore. I actually want to > die. > It's only because of my two grown up children I haven't ended it all myself. > But thinking about it, they would be OK, they wouldn't really miss me I dont > think, after all I'm no use to anyone anymore. > I know for a fact I am being overperscribed AD's, I take 80mg Proxac and > 45mg Mirtazapine daily, Plus 15mg valium. Its little wonder I dont feel much > like doing anything. > My wife has given up on me altogether, she doesn't do me any meals or > anything, she says I am quite capable of doing that myself, which I am. > Thing is I simply can't be bothered to do anything to eat, I sometimes go > 3-4 days without anything at all. I just live on cups of tea. > After my H/A my doc said I had to lose a bit of weight, I did for a while I > lost nearly two stone, but now with these Mirtazapine I have put it all back > on again. even though I dont eat hardly anything. > I have to go and see my shrink on wednesday and the last time I saw him he > said if I was no better he would put me on Effexor, I told my doc this and > he is not happy at all about me going on these as I had a H/A and Effexor > has been proven to raise the heart-rate and blood pressure, so what the hell > am I supposed to do. Thing is if my shrink puts me on them, my doc will not > alter it at all. That's why he won't takke me off the Mirtazapine, because > the shrink put me on them. > I have sat and cried and cried, I have no tears left anymore. I have no > feelings anymore either. I just feel dead inside,totally dead, I just look > at life through tunnel vision so to speak. > I hate going to bed at night because I know I will have that feeling of > dread when I wake up, I get that every single day of my life, just shows the > meds not doing anthing. > I cant think of anything else to write, sorry > Gandalf I'm so sorry to read this Gandalf, it must be dreadful atm for you. Sounds like you need to try & change something in your daily habits, even of it seems a small thing, just to get you out of the rut a bit. Do you like music at all, you could listen to something maybe? Walking is great, maybe start with just once around the house & try & include that into your dailyroutine, even if you don't enjoy it, it'll be doing your body good & producing some feel-good effects mentally too. I know it must seem almost impossible to consider doing anything atm but it's vital you change something fir the better - sounds trite but the longest journet starts with one step. Actuallty you made a step by posting here, an effort, which given what yousay about how you are atm, can't have been so easy to do. {{{{Gabdalf}}}}} |