Prev: Despite its prevalence, HPV still a mystery to many
Next: Great argument!
From: BD on 15 Jan 2008 21:50
Hey, folks.

I've been dating a gal whom I've known for about a year.

She has been out of the dating scene for a long time, as she had a
substantial weight / self-image problem. The weight issue was dealt
with, through gastric bypass.

We've been friends for about a year, and decided to ramp it up to a
dating scenario almost 2 months ago. I've not been really committed to
the relationship, as she has a 9-year-old boy who's rather active and
an occasional discipline issue - and I've never been a parent. But, on
her encouragement, we've been spending time together, and exploring
the relationship.

We 'ramped up' the relationship a month ago, and have had intercourse
a few times. Unprotected. To be honest, I thought that since she'd
been out of the scene for so long, STDs were kind of a non-issue.
((let's please just avoid the scolding on this point - I've beaten
myself up quite a bit about this point))

She came to me recently and said that just about when her child was
born, she had an HSV2 outbreak. Just one, and she'd completely
forgotten all about it - until it flared up again, after we began our
physical relationship. I believe her when she says that the reason it
flared up again was a combination of the activity, and hormonal
changes due to recently going on the pill - as well as some
antibiotics she's been taking.

Our last contact was 15 days ago. She broke the news to me 2 days ago,
when she finally realized what was going on. It would seem that she
completely forgot about the first outbreak, because it was isolated. I
don't know how to respond to that claim.

To this point, I have no noteworthy symptoms. Went to a clinic to
discuss it with a practitioner, and based on what he heard, he
estimated that I was probably fine. He took a swab of an area on which
I did see some extremely tiny red marks, which he suggested were
likely a more generic irritation, and not a result of HSV2.

I have an appointment with my family doctor next week, and will
discuss it with him then - I may go whole hog and get the bloodwork
done after awhile.

I think I'm in mild shock, simply because I spent most of the
afternoon without even thinking about this, and then would hear this
little voice in my head, saying "She FORGOT?"

I really don't know how to respond to all this. New relationship, my
faith in the dynamic still being established, kid involved, and then I
get this bombshell dropped on me.

I've done some basic reading, and appreciate the stigma associated
with HSV, versus the reality. I know it's manageable, and in reality
it's an overblown inconvenience. But I also have no way of knowing how
impactful this will be on a still-new relationship, where we're still
discovering each other's histories. Trust is in jeopardy, progression
of intimacy, etc. The phrase 'is it worth it' has dribbled into my
mind quite a few times.

At this point, I am not compelled to run to the hills, simply because
I consider myself to not be quite that reactive. But, I am strongly
tempted to change the dynamic of the relationship (ie go back to 'just
friends'), until I can wrap my head around it all. I can't in good
conscience tell her it's all okay, simply because I think I'm still
emotionally detached from the reality of everything.

I'd appreciate any general feedback that can be offered.

Thanks!
From: BD on 15 Jan 2008 21:56
> it's an overblown inconvenience.

I should apologize for that point. I'd intended to convey that it is
not life-threatening. I don't mean to belittle or minimize the
suffering it causes. Clearly I'm upset - my internal censors are not
functioning properly.


From: harmony on 16 Jan 2008 03:46
I'm sorry you are going through this. As someone who has the virus
myself, I must be honest with you and say it generally isn't something
you 'just forget'! I wish a week went by when I didn't think about
it! Perhaps that is the underlying reason she has been out of the
dating scene? Look I don't mean to judge, it's hard to know whether
that is the case or not, I just find it a little hard to believe. But
then, it is common to find out you have the virus during childbirth or
pregnancy and perhaps having a child completely takes your mind off
those sorts of things, I don't know.

I don't really know what advice to give you. If she is worth it, then
I wouldn't let a virus (which as you rightly said is more of an
inconvenience than a life-threatening situation), get in the way of
what could be an incredible relationship. My concern would be more so
around the issue of trust than the virus itself. I think you are well
within your rights to tread cautiously in an effort to ascertain
whether you can trust this person and whether it was in fact an honest
mistake. People deserve to have the opportunity to make an informed
decision as to whether to take the risk with an HSV positive person,
not have that decision made for them.

Re: the tests, from my experience, the swab test is more accurate
than blood tests. Blood tests have been known to come back negative
even though the person may in fact have the herpes virus. The swab
test needs to be done when there are symptoms present though.

Hope it helps.
Harmony
http://www.harmonyonline.com.au

From: ccarney9 on 16 Jan 2008 16:31
Even if the test results are positive, it's possible that you already
had HSV2. I've read 70-80% of the one out of four Americans that have
it, don't know they have it. You might be one of these 56 million
Americans.
From: M2slo2cht on 16 Jan 2008 21:58
Personally, I have no problem at all believing her when she says she
simply forgot. So she had an outbreak 9 years ago and zippity do da
since? And she's been out of the dating scene so presumably no reason
to give it a thought? It's been completely out of sight and out of
mind? Why wouldn't she forget? I think *most* people would forget. She
remembers now though, and she told you about it when she did. I'd
give her points for that.

As far as the risk to you, it's probably pretty slim. Granted,
precautions are in order but I certainly wouldn't let this get in the
way if everything else about the relationship is working.

As for blood tests, the older ones weren't very accurate but the
current ones are *very* accurate. The only thing is, they're good only
after 12-16 weeks of infection. They look for antibodies in the blood
and it takes that long for the immune system to build them up to
detectable levels.
Check this out:
http://yoshi2me.com/genital-herpes.html
Be aware that many healthcare professionals don't know beans about
Herpes even though they won't let you know that. And a few
unintentionally even spread misinformation about it. If yours is up
to date on it, and word seems to be getting out to some of them
lately, you're a lucky man.

As for your statement about the severity of Herpes, you were right the
first time. As many as 90% of the people infected with Genital Herp
don't even know they have it. Even if I knew nothing about it, that
stat alone would make me wonder "so what's the big deal?" Fact is,
it's a big deal for a very small percentage of people.
I personally know several infected women who have had relationships
with uninfected men for years without ever passing it along. Granted
sometimes it happens but not as often as you might think.
Anyhow, you asked for some general feedback so there's mine.
M2

BD writes:
>Hey, folks.
>I've been dating a gal whom I've known for about a year.
>
>She has been out of the dating scene for a long time, as she had a
>substantial weight / self-image problem. The weight issue was dealt
>with, through gastric bypass.
>
>We've been friends for about a year, and decided to ramp it up to a
>dating scenario almost 2 months ago. I've not been really committed to
>the relationship, as she has a 9-year-old boy who's rather active and
>an occasional discipline issue - and I've never been a parent. But, on
>her encouragement, we've been spending time together, and exploring
>the relationship.
>
>We 'ramped up' the relationship a month ago, and have had intercourse
>a few times. Unprotected. To be honest, I thought that since she'd
>been out of the scene for so long, STDs were kind of a non-issue.
>((let's please just avoid the scolding on this point - I've beaten
>myself up quite a bit about this point))
>
>She came to me recently and said that just about when her child was
>born, she had an HSV2 outbreak. Just one, and she'd completely
>forgotten all about it - until it flared up again, after we began our
>physical relationship. I believe her when she says that the reason it
>flared up again was a combination of the activity, and hormonal
>changes due to recently going on the pill - as well as some
>antibiotics she's been taking.
>
>Our last contact was 15 days ago. She broke the news to me 2 days ago,
>when she finally realized what was going on. It would seem that she
>completely forgot about the first outbreak, because it was isolated. I
>don't know how to respond to that claim.
>
>To this point, I have no noteworthy symptoms. Went to a clinic to
>discuss it with a practitioner, and based on what he heard, he
>estimated that I was probably fine. He took a swab of an area on which
>I did see some extremely tiny red marks, which he suggested were
>likely a more generic irritation, and not a result of HSV2.
>
>I have an appointment with my family doctor next week, and will
>discuss it with him then - I may go whole hog and get the bloodwork
>done after awhile.
>
>I think I'm in mild shock, simply because I spent most of the
>afternoon without even thinking about this, and then would hear this
>little voice in my head, saying "She FORGOT?"
>
>I really don't know how to respond to all this. New relationship, my
>faith in the dynamic still being established, kid involved, and then I
>get this bombshell dropped on me.
>
>I've done some basic reading, and appreciate the stigma associated
>with HSV, versus the reality. I know it's manageable, and in reality
>it's an overblown inconvenience. But I also have no way of knowing how
>impactful this will be on a still-new relationship, where we're still
>discovering each other's histories. Trust is in jeopardy, progression
>of intimacy, etc. The phrase 'is it worth it' has dribbled into my
>mind quite a few times.
>
>At this point, I am not compelled to run to the hills, simply because
>I consider myself to not be quite that reactive. But, I am strongly
>tempted to change the dynamic of the relationship (ie go back to 'just
>friends'), until I can wrap my head around it all. I can't in good
>conscience tell her it's all okay, simply because I think I'm still
>emotionally detached from the reality of everything.
>
>I'd appreciate any general feedback that can be offered.
>
>Thanks!
 | 
Pages: 1
Prev: Despite its prevalence, HPV still a mystery to many
Next: Great argument!