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From: Banty on 22 Jul 2006 11:35
In article <1153511937.044120.269790(a)m79g2000cwm.googlegroups.com>, loralie
says...
>
>Me and my boyfriend have been together for 16 months now, and I am
>raising his kids. When we first moved in together their mother had full
>custody of the girls, and we had them every other weekend and every
>Tuesday. Well in the beginning of January she decided that she didn't
>want to live with her mom any more, dropped the girls off one Friday,
>and then called and said that she wasn't going to come pick them up.
>Ever since then she just picks the girls up whenever she feels like it,
>and I have been raising her girls. I am only 23 yrs old, and I am
>having many problems with all of this. When they first moved in they
>had absolutely no discipline, so that was the first thing that me and
>their dad started on. But now I am the only one that ever disciplines
>them. They are home with me all day 7 days a week, and I know that they
>get sick of me, but I just don't know how to make things easier for
>them. They miss their mom, but she shows no signs of taking them back,
>and besides my fiance wants custody of them any way.
>
>The 18 month old is now not only throwing temper tantrums on a regular
>basis, but she will start screaming and crying if you try to tell her
>what to do. Any suggestions on how to stop her of that?
>She also will eat her breakfast and her lunch, but when it comes to
>dinner she wants absolutely nothing to do with it. If you tell her to
>eat she starts screaming and crying again.
>
>The 3 yr old listens to absolutely nobody, but she is getting better.
>She was however for a long while constantly going to the bathroom in
>her underwear. I know that she was just trying to get attention, but
>she normally only did it when she had to come home from being with her
>mom.
>
>I don't know what their mom says about me when I am not around, but the
>type of person that she is suggests that it is nothing good. She has
>blamed me for everything that has happened since her and my fiance has
>broken up. She packed up her and the girls and left HIM, but it is all
>my fault. My fiance talked to her about the 3 yr old pottying her pants
>and she told him that it was my fault because I yelled at her all the
>time.
>
>I don't have a lotof questions, but I need a little bit of peice of
>mind. Thanks
>

Three things:

1. Post to alt.support.step-parents about this. That's a GREAT group. Heck,
I'll do it for you.

2. You need to clarify the parenting situation. What does your boyfriend want
to work toward? Full custody with the mom visiting? Shared custody? Birthmom
with custody and he has some visitation? What you and your boyfriend will be
working toward will determine to some extent what you do now. Also, you need to
clarify what permanence there is in this relationship.

3. They are your boyfriend's children. Truly he should be the one to discipline
them (at least for now), and he should have the largest part in their care.


I do agree that some of what you describe is three year old behavior which is
fairly normal (three year olds are at a tough age), and potty traing in the best
of circumstances often doesn't happen until about 3 1/2. So don't worry too much
about that.

Banty


--

From: Rosalie B. on 22 Jul 2006 14:17
Banty <Banty_member(a)newsguy.com> wrote:

>In article <1153511937.044120.269790(a)m79g2000cwm.googlegroups.com>, loralie
>says...
>>
>>Me and my boyfriend have been together for 16 months now, and I am
>>raising his kids. When we first moved in together their mother had full
>>custody of the girls, and we had them every other weekend and every
>>Tuesday. Well in the beginning of January she decided that she didn't
>>want to live with her mom any more, dropped the girls off one Friday,
>>and then called and said that she wasn't going to come pick them up.
>>Ever since then she just picks the girls up whenever she feels like it,
>>and I have been raising her girls. I am only 23 yrs old, and I am
>>having many problems with all of this. When they first moved in they
>>had absolutely no discipline, so that was the first thing that me and
>>their dad started on. But now I am the only one that ever disciplines
>>them. They are home with me all day 7 days a week, and I know that they
>>get sick of me, but I just don't know how to make things easier for
>>them. They miss their mom, but she shows no signs of taking them back,
>>and besides my fiance wants custody of them any way.
>>
Something of this sort happened with my ds, but in his case, his wife
told him to move out. In any case, if I were your mom, I would
definitely be concerned about you.

>>The 18 month old is now not only throwing temper tantrums on a regular
>>basis, but she will start screaming and crying if you try to tell her
>>what to do. Any suggestions on how to stop her of that?
>>She also will eat her breakfast and her lunch, but when it comes to
>>dinner she wants absolutely nothing to do with it. If you tell her to
>>eat she starts screaming and crying again.
>>
She is probably upset at all the changes and does not have the amount
of vocabulary to express herself without screaming and crying. But
obviously you don't want her to do that. The only real way to treat
screaming and tantrums is to absolutely ignore them. When she is not
having a fit, you can talk to her (don't expect her to answer though)
and explain that her dad will be taking care of her for the time
being.

And if she is eating breakfast and lunch, I wouldn't worry too much
about whether she eats at dinner. Do not under any circumstances make
an issue of food.

>>The 3 yr old listens to absolutely nobody, but she is getting better.
>>She was however for a long while constantly going to the bathroom in
>>her underwear. I know that she was just trying to get attention, but
>>she normally only did it when she had to come home from being with her
>>mom.
>>
She is also probably upset at the changes, and her bathroom functions
are one way to express this. I don't know whether it would help to
put her back in diapers or not. If you do that, then be sure not to
make it something that is a punishment. Such as - would you like to
wear pullups or diapers so that you wouldn't have to go to the
bathroom?

>>I don't know what their mom says about me when I am not around, but the
>>type of person that she is suggests that it is nothing good. She has
>>blamed me for everything that has happened since her and my fiance has
>>broken up. She packed up her and the girls and left HIM, but it is all
>>my fault. My fiance talked to her about the 3 yr old pottying her pants
>>and she told him that it was my fault because I yelled at her all the
>>time.
>>

Do not say bad things about the girl's mother to them or anywhere they
could possibly hear you. This will not help the situation with them
although it would be tempting to relieve your feelings this way.

>>I don't have a lotof questions, but I need a little bit of peice of
>>mind. Thanks

Another thing - You don't need to 'discipline' the children physically
or by yelling. On a pragmatic level, it doesn't work. If they start
shouting, you should get quieter. If you want them to listen to you,
get down on their level and speak quietly to them.

And again you should ignore any behavior that you don't like - always
of course seeing to it that they are safe. Reacting - even reacting
negatively by yelling or something gives them what they want which is
attention. Do not pay any attention to them when they are acting
inappropriately.
From: dragonlady on 22 Jul 2006 14:30
In article <e9tgkl02m2m(a)drn.newsguy.com>,
Banty <Banty_member(a)newsguy.com> wrote:

> What you and your boyfriend will be
> working toward will determine to some extent what you do now. Also, you need
> to
> clarify what permanence there is in this relationship.
>
> 3. They are your boyfriend's children. Truly he should be the one to
> discipline
> them (at least for now), and he should have the largest part in their care.


I'd like to echo this -- or at least a huge part of it.

If you are the person who is with the kids, obviously you will have to
do the day-to-day discipline. And if he can't be around during the day,
thqat's just the way it is -- you are, by default, the kids' primary
care giver. He SHOULD be the one spending more time with them and
dealing with them -- but if he can't, he can't, and you have to.

However, I think it's REALLY important that you and your boyfriend
clarify this relationship for the sake of the children. If you and he
are planning on getting married, I think you should bite the bullet and
do it now. This isn't a moral thing -- it's a thing for the sake of the
kids. They deserve something approaching permance. And, since their
mother seems to have abandoned them, you are going to become more than a
weekend step-mom -- you may well become their primary parent. They need
to know you are in it for the long haul, and one way to assure them of
that is to make the relationship permanent.

And if you and he are NOT going to make it permanent, I think he needs
to find some other way to get his children's child-care needs met. The
last thing the kids' need is revolving moms.

Other folks have given you some good advice about learning more about
child develoment, and pointed out that some of the things that concern
you are perfectly normal. and about how to go about getting more
support for the step-parent role you are stepping into.

I just want to emphasize the importance to the children of long-term
stability: if you are going to marry this guy, these kids ARE "yours"
-- they come with him. I know they have another mother, but a step
mother role is a very real, very important one, too -- especially when
it starts when the kids are this young.

--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care
From: Vicki Robinson on 22 Jul 2006 16:45
In a previous article, Rosalie B. <gmbeasley(a)mindspring.com> said:

>
>>>The 18 month old is now not only throwing temper tantrums on a regular
>>>basis, but she will start screaming and crying if you try to tell her
>>>what to do. Any suggestions on how to stop her of that?
>>>
>She is probably upset at all the changes and does not have the amount
>of vocabulary to express herself without screaming and crying. But
>obviously you don't want her to do that. The only real way to treat
>screaming and tantrums is to absolutely ignore them. When she is not
>having a fit, you can talk to her (don't expect her to answer though)
>and explain that her dad will be taking care of her for the time
>being.

I agree with everything you say except this. This child is 18 months
old and her entire world has just turned upside down. She has no way
to express her feelings other than tantruming, as you note. But to
abandon her again when her feelings are overwhelming her is the wrong
move. She's not trying to be manipulative, she's in despair. When
she feels this way she needs comfort and reassurance, that ideally
would be coming from her father, not her stepmother, but whatever
adult is nearby (and is in this for the long haul) should react with
love and caring. Time enough later to react to manipulative uses of
crying when they happen (and all kids figure that out), but this is
genuine emotion that has no other outlet.

Vicki
--
"Penetrating so many secrets we cease to believe in the unknowable.
But there it sits, nevertheless, calmly licking its chops."
- H. L. Mencken
From: Rosalie B. on 22 Jul 2006 20:38
Ericka Kammerer <eek(a)comcast.net> wrote:

>dragonlady wrote:
>
>> However, I think it's REALLY important that you and your boyfriend
>> clarify this relationship for the sake of the children.
>
> Several people have raised this issue, but doesn't she
>refer to him as her fiance at least a couple of times in the initial
>post? That would seem to indicate that they've got this
>issue sorted out.
>
Not necessarily. It isn't unknown for a man to marry someone or
promise to marry someone just to get a child minder. A relative of
mine had his wife die, and was left with three boys. He married an
employee of his dad. When the man died many years later, the
stepmother said that she had known all along that he married her to
get someone to take care of the children and in addition, she knew
that he had been in love with his secretary all his life for as long
as they both lived. The secretary was married and separated, but
because of her religion she wouldn't get a divorce.



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