Borrowing Money
in [Step Parents]
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From: GoogleID on 8 Jun 2007 13:49 My husbands 4 children (all adults between 19 and 25) continually request loans, most of which do not get paid back. 3 of these "kids" are chronically unemployed, usually because of their lame work habits. The other one is in the military, married and working on his third child. He is the latest to call with money woes. Do I, as a step mother have the right put my foot down on these loans; i.e. no more, or at least repayment? How do others feel about this? I tell my husband that he is doing his children no favors by enabling this kind of behavior from them. I think he's afraid they won't like him, or be upset with him if he says no. Hello?!?!? Parents need to parent! I should add that we really cannot afford this money give-away.
From: Vicki Robinson on 8 Jun 2007 15:54 In a previous article, GoogleID <googleid(a)hotmail.com> said: >My husbands 4 children (all adults between 19 and 25) continually >request loans, most of which do not get paid back. > >3 of these "kids" are chronically unemployed, usually because of their >lame work habits. > >The other one is in the military, married and working on his third >child. He is the latest to call with money woes. > >Do I, as a step mother have the right put my foot down on these loans; >i.e. no more, or at least repayment? I might have some sympathy with the child serving in the military; we pay our troops peanuts, and they deserve a lot more, especially these days. He's doing something worthwhile. That said, your husband's money is your money too, unless you have practiced keeping your finances separate from the beginning of your marriage. You do have the *right*. However, fat lot of good that does you if your husband wants to do this. Rights aren't very important in a marriage; what's important is your sense and ability to work as a team and present a united front. It seems that he's not interested in doing things your way. >I tell my husband that he is doing his children no favors by enabling >this kind of behavior from them. I think he's afraid they won't like >him, or be upset with him if he says no. Hello?!?!? Parents need to >parent! I agree. I loaned my daughter (who is independent, but making pitiful money in her first post-college job) money to buy a table for her apartment, and I sent her a bill listing her repayment schedule. (I went into MS Word and used an invoice template to send her a bill from "Mom's Loans," logo and all.) She's paying each installment by PayPal, and the table is now more hers than mine. Maybe you could get your DH to agree to a repayment schedule that gets printed out and signed by everyone. And no more loans until the current one is repaid. >I should add that we really cannot afford this money give-away. How do you mean this? Are you unable to pay your own bills? Is your debt load increasing? Is he dipping into retirement assets? Are we talking thousands of dollars, or a hundred here and there? If his give-aways are genuinely impacting your quality of life, I think you have to address it. If it's coming from disposable income, you have less ammunition on your side. Things are different for young adults these days than they were when we were kids. I know an awful lot of people who are helping to support their post-college kids in small ways because there aren't all that many good entry-level jobs these days that pay a living wage. (My daughter is driving a car that belongs to me. But I don't want her taking public transportation at 5:00 AM or 11:00 PM. That's my choice. And there is no way she can pay her rent and pay for a car at the same time.) If you can approach your husband with the notion that you have no problem with helping out his kids, but a) you don't want it increasing YOUR debt, and b) adults pay back loans, would he listen? Vicki -- "I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott
From: GoogleID on 8 Jun 2007 17:01 I am all for helping one's family, that's part of the family bond. But, when they don't make the effort to help themselves, well, I have a problem with that. These "kids", even the military one (and I give him HIGH kudos for his choices in that regard!) manage their money so poorly they are bound to be in dire straights. Regularly. Only one of them has a HS diploma and none of them wishes to further their education so it looks like low paying jobs are the future for the most part. The one in the military cannot afford the children he has (and his wife doesn't work because she keeps getting pregnant), let alone making more! They live rent free (well, it comes out of his pay, but it's GREATLY subsidized) in a 3 bedroom, very nice, condo with 2 car garage on the base. They pay no medical, no utilities and yet they can never seem to afford diapers. Last time we watched the kids, they came home with about $350 worth of trinkets and souveniers purchased at a local amusment park. NOT OK if you cannot pay your bills. Dad sees this, agrees is a problem and STILL "lends" them money. We (husband) are doling out 200-500 dollars 3-4 times a year to each, and that adds up. AND, one of them completely lied to us about the reason for the "loan" request, it ended up going to the drug addict woman he was supposedly going to divorce...with the money loaned him! Not good. The $ that has gone to at least 3 of them has gone into their general fund; i.e. cigarettes, beer, pot and more has been purchased at the time they were in need of Dad's money. I've always believed that one cuts out all unneccesary expenses BEFORE asking for $ from others. These guys don't do that. And Dad knows that. My own daughter has been out of work several times in the last 3 years and I have helped her by paying her share of our shared cell phone plan and given her a little here and there for gas. But, she KNOWS that she must monitor her spending when income is low or gone, and, she works off (by cleaning house for me and other things) the money I give her. I cannot afford to subsidize her finances much. We have virtually no retirement built up due to our own layoffs through the years and have had to dip into those savings. And $$$ for dental work for husband. Some medical $$ for me. I seriously doubt (based on their attitudes) that any of his kids are going to help us in our old age, nor do I expect them to. He and I NEED this money to put into our retirement, not to further enable lazy/uneducated/low initiative adult children. Ok, rant over :-) I am just sooo frustrated.
From: GoogleID on 8 Jun 2007 20:40 "Things are different for young adults these days than they were when we were kids." They sure are. We were just discussing that yesterday. When my parents were young, they worked hard, but they got good value for their money. They were able to buy their first home within 1 year of being married and my mother never had to work. When my ex and I married, it was a little harder, but we bought our first home within 3 years of being married, albeit in a downtrodden neighborhood, but we were able to purchase a home, an pay off two car loans within 4 years of marriage. Today, it would take a miracle for my daughter to be able to buy a home!! My first home 30 years ago was $53,000. In our neck of the woods the average home now is $500,000 and that's in a lousy area with repairs required. I read that my parents generation (80+) is the first generation able to leave something substantial to their children, and probably the last too.
From: Vicki Robinson on 8 Jun 2007 20:46
In a previous article, GoogleID <googleid(a)hotmail.com> said: >Today, it would take a miracle for my daughter to be able to buy a >home!! My first home 30 years ago was $53,000. In our neck of the >woods the average home now is $500,000 and that's in a lousy area with >repairs required. I live in Western New York and you can still find a nice house in the suburbs for $150K, and for even less in the city. This is a heck of place for housing value. Not to mention a good place to live! >I read that my parents generation (80+) is the first generation able >to leave something substantial to their children, and probably the >last too. Could be. I hope not. Vicki -- "I'm just a bad Christian. A bad born-again Christian. And certainly, like the apostle Peter, I am capable of denying it, of presenting myself as a sort of leftist liberation-theology enthusiast and maybe sort of a vaguely Jesusy bon vivant. But it's not true" --Anne Lamott |