Next: Death is So Cool !!!
From: Jim on 30 Jul 2005 20:42
Six months of pain. Six months of insecurity. Six months of emptiness.

I got to the house after school and it was empty. This house is as empty as
my heart. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared to open my
heart and allow myself to love. I'm scared to allow myself to be hurt
again. I'm scared of loosing those I allow myself to love. There was a
time when I was confident, at times confident to the point of arrogance.
Its gone, now I'm just scared. I'm in pain and I'm scared.

I'm told by others that the pain will never go away. I'm told by others
that some day I'll wake up and realize it does not hurt as much anymore.
There are times when this is the case but just before bed and just after
I wake and when others talk about their kids the pain is unbearable.

Its been seven years and eight days without Charlie, Becky my girls & Marian
my fianc?. Its been six months without Jenny. I'm so empty without them. I
had a purpose with Jenny and now she is gone. I'm so empty. So many pieces
of me are gone. I don't know how to come to terms without my girls. I'm
scared to allow myself to open my heart to others. I don't know how to deal
with the pain of an other loss.

I opened my heart to another Jenny and I held on to tight. I feel as if I
lost her. I opened my heart to her sister and I feel as if I lost
her too. So rarely do I get to see them. God I miss them, I miss them so
much. Did I loose them as friends? I'm so scared to open my heart to
others, I'm afraid to loose them, I'm afraid of the pain. Tonight when I
got to the house it was so empty. I grieve for my girls. I didn't know
if I should grieve for loosing these two as well.

I look into the eyes of a woman I met, I care about her. I can't say I love
her that may develop in time. For that I'd have to open my heart and allow
myself
to love her but I'm scared. Scared to loose her, I'm scared of the pain.
Loosing her as a friend, that pain would be magnified by three.

I look into her youngest daughters eyes and see nothing but happiness. I've
never seen such a happy baby. When she cries and fusses, make a face or poke
her and she giggles and squirms. She is so innocent, so untouched by pain
and loss. I love her like I love any child. The loss of her as a friend that
would be magnified by three.

When looking into her older daughters eyes, I'm petrified by fear. Despite
my
intent not to, I let it happen. Whether it was she, whether it was I,
something
opened my heart and I allowed myself to love this child. It only took my
meeting her once. Every time I see her she tells me she loves me and I love
her. Loosing her as a friend, that pain would be magnified my three.

One thing I know is, when I hold these kids, this feels right. The child
tells me
she loves me and I know its true. I say that I love her, I wonder, does
anyone doubt it?


I was once told by a friend that I'm very special in one regard. When I
love, that love is absolute and unconditional. I'm so afraid to loose any
of these people as friends. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid.

I don't know what to do. I can go back to my isolation, back to the
misery that I know and am used to. I know my girls would want me to move
on. I know my girls would want me to be happy. The fear of being hurt
again is overwhelming. So is the fear of being alone and miserable. I'm
so tired of being miserable; I'm so tired of being alone. Yet I'm so
scared of the pain of loosing an other person, loosing a child I love.



Its been six months since Jenny joined god in heaven. Its been six months
since I've been alone.



Dedicated to the ones I've lost,



my daughter Jenny 11/28/1992 - 1/28/2005

my daughter Charlie 2/28/1991 - 7/22/1997

my daughter Becky 2/28/1991 - 7/22/1997

My fianc? Marion died with my girls 7/22/1997


From: Purg Stone on 31 Jul 2005 08:20
The myth, legend, giant known as "Jim" <spamjim(a)starband.net> shouted a
big yo yo yo out to tha homies in
news:d80ed$42ebfc9a$943face1$24918(a)STARBAND.NET on the date Sat 30 Jul
2005 07:42:24p:

> Six months of pain. Six months of insecurity. Six months of emptiness.
>
> I got to the house after school and it was empty. This house is as empty
> as my heart. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared to open my
> heart and allow myself to love. I'm scared to allow myself to be hurt
> again. I'm scared of loosing those I allow myself to love. There was a
> time when I was confident, at times confident to the point of arrogance.
> Its gone, now I'm just scared. I'm in pain and I'm scared.
>
> I'm told by others that the pain will never go away. I'm told by others
> that some day I'll wake up and realize it does not hurt as much anymore.
> There are times when this is the case but just before bed and just after
> I wake and when others talk about their kids the pain is unbearable.
>
> Its been seven years and eight days without Charlie, Becky my girls &
> Marian my fianc?. Its been six months without Jenny. I'm so empty
> without them. I had a purpose with Jenny and now she is gone. I'm so
> empty. So many pieces of me are gone. I don't know how to come to terms
> without my girls. I'm scared to allow myself to open my heart to others.
> I don't know how to deal with the pain of an other loss.
>
> I opened my heart to another Jenny and I held on to tight. I feel as if
> I lost her. I opened my heart to her sister and I feel as if I lost
> her too. So rarely do I get to see them. God I miss them, I miss them so
> much. Did I loose them as friends? I'm so scared to open my heart to
> others, I'm afraid to loose them, I'm afraid of the pain. Tonight when I
> got to the house it was so empty. I grieve for my girls. I didn't know
> if I should grieve for loosing these two as well.
>
> I look into the eyes of a woman I met, I care about her. I can't say I
> love her that may develop in time. For that I'd have to open my heart
> and allow myself
> to love her but I'm scared. Scared to loose her, I'm scared of the pain.
> Loosing her as a friend, that pain would be magnified by three.
>
> I look into her youngest daughters eyes and see nothing but happiness.
> I've never seen such a happy baby. When she cries and fusses, make a
> face or poke her and she giggles and squirms. She is so innocent, so
> untouched by pain and loss. I love her like I love any child. The loss
> of her as a friend that would be magnified by three.
>
> When looking into her older daughters eyes, I'm petrified by fear.
> Despite my
> intent not to, I let it happen. Whether it was she, whether it was I,
> something
> opened my heart and I allowed myself to love this child. It only took my
> meeting her once. Every time I see her she tells me she loves me and I
> love her. Loosing her as a friend, that pain would be magnified my
> three.
>
> One thing I know is, when I hold these kids, this feels right. The child
> tells me
> she loves me and I know its true. I say that I love her, I wonder, does
> anyone doubt it?
>
>
> I was once told by a friend that I'm very special in one regard. When I
> love, that love is absolute and unconditional. I'm so afraid to loose
> any of these people as friends. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid.
>
> I don't know what to do. I can go back to my isolation, back to the
> misery that I know and am used to. I know my girls would want me to move
> on. I know my girls would want me to be happy. The fear of being hurt
> again is overwhelming. So is the fear of being alone and miserable. I'm
> so tired of being miserable; I'm so tired of being alone. Yet I'm so
> scared of the pain of loosing an other person, loosing a child I love.
>
>
>
> Its been six months since Jenny joined god in heaven. Its been six
> months since I've been alone.
>
>
>
> Dedicated to the ones I've lost,
>
>
>
> my daughter Jenny 11/28/1992 - 1/28/2005
>
> my daughter Charlie 2/28/1991 - 7/22/1997
>
> my daughter Becky 2/28/1991 - 7/22/1997
>
> My fianc? Marion died with my girls 7/22/1997
>
>
>

my heart is with you freind. I hope everything works out for the best
with you. I know they are watching you. They are looking at you and seeing
your actions. Be strong for them. They need that right now and so do you.

--
"Don't take life too serious. You'll never escape it alive anyway."
Elbert Hubbard
----------------------------------------
http://www.xpurgatoryx.com
http://www.xpurgatoryx.com/contact.html
EMAIL: imcnote(a)hotmail.com
From: Rick Merrill on 3 Aug 2005 18:55
Jim wrote:
> Six months of pain. Six months of insecurity. Six months of emptiness.
>
> I got to the house after school and it was empty. This house is as empty as
> my heart. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm scared to open my
> heart and allow myself to love. I'm scared to allow myself to be hurt
> again. I'm scared of loosing those I allow myself to love. There was a
> time when I was confident, at times confident to the point of arrogance.
> Its gone, now I'm just scared. I'm in pain and I'm scared.
>
> I'm told by others that the pain will never go away. I'm told by others
> that some day I'll wake up and realize it does not hurt as much anymore.
> There are times when this is the case but just before bed and just after
> I wake and when others talk about their kids the pain is unbearable.
>
> Its been seven years and eight days without Charlie, Becky my girls & Marian
> my fiancé. Its been six months without Jenny. I'm so empty without them. I
> had a purpose with Jenny and now she is gone. I'm so empty. So many pieces
> of me are gone. I don't know how to come to terms without my girls. I'm
> scared to allow myself to open my heart to others. I don't know how to deal
> with the pain of an other loss.
>
> I opened my heart to another Jenny and I held on to tight. I feel as if I
> lost her. I opened my heart to her sister and I feel as if I lost
> her too. So rarely do I get to see them. God I miss them, I miss them so
> much. Did I loose them as friends? I'm so scared to open my heart to
> others, I'm afraid to loose them, I'm afraid of the pain. Tonight when I
> got to the house it was so empty. I grieve for my girls. I didn't know
> if I should grieve for loosing these two as well.
>
> I look into the eyes of a woman I met, I care about her. I can't say I love
> her that may develop in time. For that I'd have to open my heart and allow
> myself
> to love her but I'm scared. Scared to loose her, I'm scared of the pain.
> Loosing her as a friend, that pain would be magnified by three.
>
> I look into her youngest daughters eyes and see nothing but happiness. I've
> never seen such a happy baby. When she cries and fusses, make a face or poke
> her and she giggles and squirms. She is so innocent, so untouched by pain
> and loss. I love her like I love any child. The loss of her as a friend that
> would be magnified by three.
>
> When looking into her older daughters eyes, I'm petrified by fear. Despite
> my
> intent not to, I let it happen. Whether it was she, whether it was I,
> something
> opened my heart and I allowed myself to love this child. It only took my
> meeting her once. Every time I see her she tells me she loves me and I love
> her. Loosing her as a friend, that pain would be magnified my three.
>
> One thing I know is, when I hold these kids, this feels right. The child
> tells me
> she loves me and I know its true. I say that I love her, I wonder, does
> anyone doubt it?
>
>
> I was once told by a friend that I'm very special in one regard. When I
> love, that love is absolute and unconditional. I'm so afraid to loose any
> of these people as friends. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid.
>
> I don't know what to do. I can go back to my isolation, back to the
> misery that I know and am used to. I know my girls would want me to move
> on. I know my girls would want me to be happy. The fear of being hurt
> again is overwhelming. So is the fear of being alone and miserable. I'm
> so tired of being miserable; I'm so tired of being alone. Yet I'm so
> scared of the pain of loosing an other person, loosing a child I love.
>
>
>
> Its been six months since Jenny joined god in heaven. Its been six months
> since I've been alone.
>
>
>
> Dedicated to the ones I've lost,
>
>
>
> my daughter Jenny 11/28/1992 - 1/28/2005
>
> my daughter Charlie 2/28/1991 - 7/22/1997
>
> my daughter Becky 2/28/1991 - 7/22/1997
>
> My fiancé Marion died with my girls 7/22/1997
>
>

The pain will always be there when you look for it. You are not to
blame for the pain of lonliness. You are doing WELL to find new possible
loves and to give yourself to the possibility of ANOTHER LOSS, and you
seem to understand that you must take some risks. Who do you talk with?


From: guy1026 on 20 Oct 2005 19:54
this is my second month without him.
tomorrow wouldve been his birthday. oct 21st.
and october 26th would have been my birthday. and october 31st our 6th
year anniversary.

simply put. i died with him that night.
im not alive. i have no true moments of happyness anymore. with him, it
was just a gesture or a look in his eyes, and i would be filled with joy
and comfort.

without him im lost. our life dreams. gone.
our ability to hold hands b4 bed.. gone.
all feeling of any purpos at all is just gone.

im 23 on the 26th of the month. he would've been 20 tomorrow.

people have lots of encouraging words. words of sympathy, saying they knew
ho special what we had was, but people dont have the reality that paralizes
me. they dont have the responsibility to rewire their brain, even though it
was fine in the first place.

i dream of him. sleeping with me, on my chest, the way he lovd to when we
wanted to cuddle. i feel him at peace, i try to stroke his face, and i
wake up. then i go through the process of remembering what happened. and i
wish i hadnt woken up.
every night i pray, in my own way, i beg, for him, or somebody to take me
away from here. so i could be with him again... just to see him. just to
be as we were.
I dont know how much longer can wait.
maybe they cant hear me. maybe theyre not allowed or able to take a life
with them.

its been two months without him, and I cant even see tomorrow. I dont
believe it will get better with time. I dont believe ill meet someone else
i will love. i have no desire for anyone else.

should i be alive for the sake of my family. should i have to pain just so
they can have me around. moping every day. crying every day.

what good am i to them. my mother has her husband. my sister has her love,
and me, I have my love too.. but not here. how could they ask me to stay.
the only way they could is if they didnt know the feeling. and they dont.
they dont know what i feel. what ive lost.

loosing a brother or a son isnt like loosing a lover.. is it?

From: jones on 27 Oct 2005 23:00
no its not, a love, a soul mate is the only ture thing in life worth living
for, i lost mine, now i wish to die also\
i know she would not want me to say this but it is how i feel, she was
everything to me

"guy1026" <phineas00(a)hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:4d3b4972d943e928a4fdea35ccde5b14(a)localhost.talkaboutsupport.com...
> this is my second month without him.
> tomorrow wouldve been his birthday. oct 21st.
> and october 26th would have been my birthday. and october 31st our 6th
> year anniversary.
>
> simply put. i died with him that night.
> im not alive. i have no true moments of happyness anymore. with him, it
> was just a gesture or a look in his eyes, and i would be filled with joy
> and comfort.
>
> without him im lost. our life dreams. gone.
> our ability to hold hands b4 bed.. gone.
> all feeling of any purpos at all is just gone.
>
> im 23 on the 26th of the month. he would've been 20 tomorrow.
>
> people have lots of encouraging words. words of sympathy, saying they knew
> ho special what we had was, but people dont have the reality that
> paralizes
> me. they dont have the responsibility to rewire their brain, even though
> it
> was fine in the first place.
>
> i dream of him. sleeping with me, on my chest, the way he lovd to when we
> wanted to cuddle. i feel him at peace, i try to stroke his face, and i
> wake up. then i go through the process of remembering what happened. and i
> wish i hadnt woken up.
> every night i pray, in my own way, i beg, for him, or somebody to take me
> away from here. so i could be with him again... just to see him. just to
> be as we were.
> I dont know how much longer can wait.
> maybe they cant hear me. maybe theyre not allowed or able to take a life
> with them.
>
> its been two months without him, and I cant even see tomorrow. I dont
> believe it will get better with time. I dont believe ill meet someone else
> i will love. i have no desire for anyone else.
>
> should i be alive for the sake of my family. should i have to pain just so
> they can have me around. moping every day. crying every day.
>
> what good am i to them. my mother has her husband. my sister has her love,
> and me, I have my love too.. but not here. how could they ask me to stay.
> the only way they could is if they didnt know the feeling. and they dont.
> they dont know what i feel. what ive lost.
>
> loosing a brother or a son isnt like loosing a lover.. is it?
>


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