Been a while - Symptoms creeping up again [Panic]

Prev: Live Chat for Anxiety and Panic 2008/11/18
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From: MightyJoe36 on 19 Nov 2008 11:56

Where to start?

Some of you may remember me from about two years ago when I was having
severe anxiety that turned into panic attacks on the road so bad that
I ended up going to the doctor and getting medication.

After almost a year, taking the medication and working through the
panic attacks, they got better and I pretty much got over them. I'm
not commuting as often now (working from home more) and am down from 3
Klonopin a day to 1. Things were going pretty well for a while despite
some serious stressors - my son almost not graduating high school, my
older son being deployed, tension with my mother, medical issues.

The last two or three weeks I started slipping into a deep depression
for no reason (other than winter setting in again). Now it seems like
the anxiety is creeping back to the point where it was two years ago
when this whole mess started.

Yesterday I felt good, but today I'm back to feeling extremely
stressed. How the hell can you go from feeling good to feeling
stressed and depressed again just like that? Yeah, I know the
weather�s crappy after being sunny all day yesterday. Yeah, I know I�m
back working at home after being in the office yesterday. Yeah, I know
I got an email with a question about a manual I wrote, and the other
one from IS about the software I needed installed, which necessitated
me emailing my boss about it. So why did simple things like that
almost send me into an anxiety attack?

I don�t know what it is. It�s like I don�t learn anything from my
experiences. It�s like somebody else is going through them and then
every time I do something it�s like the first time I�ve ever done it.
I was like this in college. Every time I would start a new class, they
would hand out a syllabus and I would read what was required (read
these books, write these papers, take these exams) and right then I
would get this dread like �I�m totally out of my league.There's no way
I can pass this class.� I would end up getting an A in the class (or
at least a B), feel great, and then start my next class and go through
the same thing over again. So what the hell is wrong with me? I feel
like I�m going through my job and I don�t know anything and living in
mortal fear that somebody is going to ask me a question I can�t
answer, and then when I can�t it�s going to be �AH HAH! You�ve been
found out. You�ve been faking it all these years and now we caught
you. You�re fired!� But why do I feel that way? I mean, I really do
have a Bachelor�s and Master�s degrees. And they didn�t just give them
to me, I really did the work, took the exams, got A�s and B�s, and
graduated. I've been at this job for over three years and each year
gotten an above-average performance review and a raise. I�ve written
award-winning manuals. Not just here, but at other places where I got
praises from higher ups. One place said my documents �set the
standard.� I�m not making this stuff up. Yet I feel like I am. I feel
like I don�t know anything, and it�s just a matter of time before
somebody finds out. Is this a symptom of depression? Or is it really
my �subconscious� trying to get my attention? (that's what one doctor
told me about my panic attacks). Needless to say, I went from having a
really good day yesterday to being a mess again in less than 24 hours.

Don't know what else to say except thanks for listening.

Joe

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From: Chip on 19 Nov 2008 14:51

From: Deirdre on 19 Nov 2008 14:55

From: Mary on 19 Nov 2008 16:27

<MightyJoe36(a)gmail.com> wrote in message
news:e1b3b6b8-0f20-466c-85b0-2fd724c23c37(a)s9g2000prm.googlegroups.com...
> Where to start?
>
> Some of you may remember me from about two years ago when I was having
> severe anxiety that turned into panic attacks on the road so bad that
> I ended up going to the doctor and getting medication.
>
> After almost a year, taking the medication and working through the
> panic attacks, they got better and I pretty much got over them. I'm
> not commuting as often now (working from home more) and am down from 3
> Klonopin a day to 1. Things were going pretty well for a while despite
> some serious stressors - my son almost not graduating high school, my
> older son being deployed, tension with my mother, medical issues.
>
> The last two or three weeks I started slipping into a deep depression
> for no reason (other than winter setting in again). Now it seems like
> the anxiety is creeping back to the point where it was two years ago
> when this whole mess started.
>
> Yesterday I felt good, but today I'm back to feeling extremely
> stressed. How the hell can you go from feeling good to feeling
> stressed and depressed again just like that? Yeah, I know the
> weather�s crappy after being sunny all day yesterday. Yeah, I know I�m
> back working at home after being in the office yesterday. Yeah, I know
> I got an email with a question about a manual I wrote, and the other
> one from IS about the software I needed installed, which necessitated
> me emailing my boss about it. So why did simple things like that
> almost send me into an anxiety attack?

I've been feeling a lot like that lately too. I seem to be in a major
depression, and anxious in situations that I can normally handle OK. I am
not affected by whether its winter or summer. I am more affected by events
going on in my life, though I am not sure what is causing my present
episodes which have been going on for the past month. It started off with a
stomach flu which has left me feeling weak and tired. It eventually got
better but took a couple of weeks. I bought a new car when I was feeling
better, which is usually an exciting time for me, but even that didn't make
me feel any better. After that, I seemed to go into this depressive/anxious
state. I seem to go from feeling OK and able to talk to people, and a day
later, I don't want to see anyone or deal with anything. Usually I've done
my christmas shopping by now, but haven't done any.

I know what you are talking about when y ou say you go from feeling fine, to
being depressed. I usually know the case of my down times, but this time, I
am not so sure unless its an accumulation of the stresses and worry I have
gone through in the past year with my brother in hospital and some other
personal issues I can't solve.

> I don�t know what it is. It�s like I don�t learn anything from my
> experiences. It�s like somebody else is going through them and then
> every time I do something it�s like the first time I�ve ever done it.
> I was like this in college. Every time I would start a new class, they
> would hand out a syllabus and I would read what was required (read
> these books, write these papers, take these exams) and right then I
> would get this dread like �I�m totally out of my league.There's no way
> I can pass this class.� I would end up getting an A in the class (or
> at least a B), feel great, and then start my next class and go through
> the same thing over again. So what the hell is wrong with me? I feel
> like I�m going through my job and I don�t know anything and living in
> mortal fear that somebody is going to ask me a question I can�t
> answer, and then when I can�t it�s going to be �AH HAH! You�ve been
> found out. You�ve been faking it all these years and now we caught
> you. You�re fired!� But why do I feel that way? I mean, I really do
> have a Bachelor�s and Master�s degrees. And they didn�t just give them
> to me, I really did the work, took the exams, got A�s and B�s, and
> graduated. I've been at this job for over three years and each year
> gotten an above-average performance review and a raise. I�ve written
> award-winning manuals. Not just here, but at other places where I got
> praises from higher ups. One place said my documents �set the
> standard.� I�m not making this stuff up. Yet I feel like I am. I feel
> like I don�t know anything, and it�s just a matter of time before
> somebody finds out. Is this a symptom of depression? Or is it really
> my �subconscious� trying to get my attention? (that's what one doctor
> told me about my panic attacks). Needless to say, I went from having a
> really good day yesterday to being a mess again in less than 24 hours.

I can't relate to your above feelings and not being a
psychiatrist/therapist, I can only take a guess. I wonder if emotionally you
feel you don't deserve success, even though intellectually you know you do
because you acknowledge your accomplishments above. Some people find success
and compliments very stressful and find it hard to believe the praises are
true. If you believed more in yourself, you probably wouldn't feel the way
you do when you get compliments. Just accept what people tell you. All the
people who compliment you and your work would not say so, if they didn't
believe it. Its like your intellect for your work and your emotions for the
compliments are not working together.

You may or may not relate to this, but I have trouble with being split
between emotional issues and intellect, though not about the same issues as
you. I sometimes thought very clearly about something which
requiredintellect in my work and could analyze my work very well (I am
retired now), but when it comes to emotional issues such as hurt, anger,
sadness, I am on an emotional level and do not deal with it very well at
times. Its like the intellectual and emotional parts of me are too far apart
from each other. One psychiatrist said that my intellect is more developed
than my emotions because I find intellect easier to deal with than emotions.
Its been this way, as long as I can remember. Its obvious to me when certain
emotions are touched upon. I may be out in left field here. Its just some
thoughts.

> Don't know what else to say except thanks for listening.

You have explained your situation very well, and listening is what we are
here for. I hope we both feel better soon. Its an awful way to feel :)

Mary

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From: russogn on 19 Nov 2008 17:34

On Nov 19, 11:56�am, MightyJo...(a)gmail.com wrote:
> Where to start?
>
> Some of you may remember me from about two years ago when I was having
> severe anxiety that turned into panic attacks on the road so bad that
> I ended up going to the doctor and getting medication.
>
> After almost a year, taking the medication and working through the
> panic attacks, they got better and I pretty much got over them. I'm
> not commuting as often now (working from home more) and am down from 3
> Klonopin a day to 1. Things were going pretty well for a while despite
> some serious stressors - my son almost not graduating high school, my
> older son being deployed, tension with my mother, medical issues.
>
> The last two or three weeks I started slipping into a deep depression
> for no reason (other than winter setting in again). Now it seems like
> the anxiety is creeping back to the point where it was two years ago
> when this whole mess started.
>
> Yesterday I felt good, but today I'm back to feeling extremely
> stressed. How the hell can you go from feeling good to feeling
> stressed and depressed again just like that? Yeah, I know the
> weather�s crappy after being sunny all day yesterday. Yeah, I know I�m
> back working at home after being in the office yesterday. Yeah, I know
> I got an email with a question about a manual I wrote, and the other
> one from IS about the software I needed installed, which necessitated
> me emailing my boss about it. So why did simple things like that
> almost send me into an anxiety attack?
>
> I don�t know what it is. It�s like I don�t learn anything from my
> experiences. It�s like somebody else is going through them and then
> every time I do something it�s like the first time I�ve ever done it.
> I was like this in college. Every time I would start a new class, they
> would hand out a syllabus and I would read what was required (read
> these books, write these papers, take these exams) and right then I
> would get this dread like �I�m totally out of my league.There's no way
> I can pass this class.� I would end up getting an A in the class (or
> at least a B), feel great, and then start my next class and go through
> the same thing over again. So what the hell is wrong with me? I feel
> like I�m going through my job and I don�t know anything and living in
> mortal fear that somebody is going to ask me a question I can�t
> answer, and then when I can�t it�s going to be �AH HAH! You�ve been
> found out. You�ve been faking it all these years and now we caught
> you. You�re fired!� But why do I feel that way? I mean, I really do
> have a Bachelor�s and Master�s degrees. And they didn�t just give them
> to me, I really did the work, took the exams, got A�s and B�s, and
> graduated. I've been at this job for over three years and each year
> gotten an above-average performance review and a raise. I�ve written
> award-winning manuals. Not just here, but at other places where I got
> praises from higher ups. One place said my documents �set the
> standard.� I�m not making this stuff up. Yet I feel like I am. I feel
> like I don�t know anything, and it�s just a matter of time before
> somebody finds out. Is this a symptom of depression? Or is it really
> my �subconscious� trying to get my attention? (that's what one doctor
> told me about my panic attacks). Needless to say, I went from having a
> really good day yesterday to being a mess again in less than 24 hours.
>
> Don't know what else to say except thanks for listening.
>
> Joe
>
> --
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> � � Contact the moderators at: asapm-bo...(a)stump.algebra.com
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"I don�t know what it is. It�s like I don�t learn anything from my
experiences. It�s like somebody else is going through them and then
every time I do something it�s like the first time I�ve ever done it.
"

i can definetly relate to this for sure. i notice when im feelng
really anxious/depressed/panicy, that it is particularly difficult to
utilize the things i've learned, or to remember what i need to do or
think to help myself out of my horrible states. it becomes hard to
identify with what came first...the anxiety/depression, or the
thoughts, or vice versa. one tends to fuze it all together, so it
becomes very muddled.
i've always lacked confidence academically as well..always anxious
and doubtful that i could pass...but that is kind of what anxious
people tend to do with many things. i also had the extra obstacle of a
mentally abusive brother who always told me i was borderline
"retarded". although he is not diagnosed, i really now really believe
he has a personality disorder. i take it with grain of salt now, cause
the things i've accomplished are reality tested....and couldnt have
been done if i was borderline "retarded". the psychological scare
remains though.
i guess the point i want to make is that what you are going through
doesnt seem all that 'out there'. being an anxious person comes with
all sorts of doubts and fears. i wish i could tell you how to change
your thoughts, but its tricky. im still working on my own. you might
want to consider going to a therapist. no stigma there, you might
really benifit getting to the bottom of your negative thought
processes.
-best
russ

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