5 years
in [Grief]
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From: swscott3 on 25 Mar 2007 17:26 It's been almost 5 years since my daughter died. I'm really having a hard time with it. I think I thought that with time the pain would be more bearable, but I'm finding that the opposite is true. It's just that much longer that I haven't seen her, touched her, held her. I miss her so much. And it was so senseless. I guess I just can't write anymore right now. I'm too sad. Is it the 5 year mark that is so traumatic? Her birthday is in May, her death date is in August. Sally
From: Cindy's Mom on 25 Mar 2007 18:24 On Mar 25, 3:26 pm, swsco...(a)comcast.net wrote: > It's been almost 5 years since my daughter died. I'm really having a > hard time with it. I think I thought that with time the pain would be > more bearable, but I'm finding that the opposite is true. It's just > that much longer that I haven't seen her, touched her, held her. > I miss her so much. > And it was so senseless. I guess I just can't write anymore right > now. I'm too sad. > Is it the 5 year mark that is so traumatic? Her birthday is in May, > her death date is in August. > Sally I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter has been dead 5 months today. I can't even imagine what 5 years will feel like. Like you I miss her teribly. She was my best friend as wellas my child. Have you tried either greif support groups or private therapy? I know that somehow we have to learn to live with the pain and remember to celebrate their life and that we had that special time with them. But, I am certainly far from that myself. I am thinking of you and care. Cindy's Mom
From: mom to 3 on 26 Mar 2007 00:23 On Mar 25, 5:26 pm, swsco...(a)comcast.net wrote: > It's been almost 5 years since my daughter died. I'm really having a > hard time with it. I think I thought that with time the pain would be > more bearable, but I'm finding that the opposite is true. It's just > that much longer that I haven't seen her, touched her, held her. > I miss her so much. > And it was so senseless. I guess I just can't write anymore right > now. I'm too sad. > Is it the 5 year mark that is so traumatic? Her birthday is in May, > her death date is in August. > Sally It will be six years since my son died. (April 11, 2001) I have done much better these past six months. The missing never ends and once you can accept that, and it is hard to, it gets a little better. My son was 12 and a half when he died, so the birthdays were tough esp. the first one and the first anniversary. Altho in retrospect the anticipation is part of what makes it worse and as the years add up the anticipation is less and the pain becomes less. I think there will always be highs and lows for the rest of our lives, somehow we have to separate emotionallyfrom the loss to survive. Never to forget, but to not dwell on how the child or person died, but how wonderful it was to have them in your life. This is not an overnite project, it is on going. Much like I guess it is when your child goes away to college and you are not in control of them, you have to separate yourself. Still loving them, but letting them go. Our loved ones only want the best for us, and living in sadness doesn't celebrate their life. Believe me, this has only been my thought mode for the past few months. Many a day I wished I would be swallowed up in the mattress and dissolve. I wore my son's tacky watch for two years and never took it off because i needed it close to me. I still have the last pair of socks he wore between my mattress. We find things that help us make the next minute, the next hour and do what we have to do to survive. I knew I had to because I had a child ten years olf and a husband. Sometimes when feeling really low, it is nice to go sit ouside and breath in the air, and watch the birds and just be. Taking your thoughts and listening to the people, the wind, the birds and breathing long and deep. Almost mediative breathing. It helps calm and recenter yourself sometimes when you just feel anxious and overwhelmed. Just know there is no one path each person takes. We do what we can do to get through those first years and if we find something that helps us feel joy again, patent it and sell it to all of us!!!!!:) Problem is there is no one fix for each person, we have to find our path ourselves because we all have many different thresholds in dealing with grief. Just knowing that there are others who are struggling makes us feel we aren't crazy. Any suggestions or coping mechanisms are most helpful when trying to find your new normal. My thoughts are with Cindy's mom and Sally Pam
From: Marsha on 26 Mar 2007 02:40 On Mar 25, 9:23 pm, "mom to 3" <pstrang...(a)comcast.net> wrote: > On Mar 25, 5:26 pm, swsco...(a)comcast.net wrote: > > > It's been almost 5 years since my daughter died. I'm really having a > > hard time with it. I think I thought that with time the pain would be > > more bearable, but I'm finding that the opposite is true. It's just > > that much longer that I haven't seen her, touched her, held her. > > I miss her so much. > > And it was so senseless. I guess I just can't write anymore right > > now. I'm too sad. > > Is it the 5 year mark that is so traumatic? Her birthday is in May, > > her death date is in August. > > Sally > > It will be six years since my son died. (April 11, 2001) I have done > much better these past six months. The missing never ends and once you > can accept that, and it is hard to, it gets a little better. My son > was 12 and a half when he died, so the birthdays were tough esp. the > first one and the first anniversary. Altho in retrospect the > anticipation is part of what makes it worse and as the years add up > the anticipation is less and the pain becomes less. I think there will > always be highs and lows for the rest of our lives, somehow we have > to separate emotionallyfrom the loss to survive. Never to forget, but > to not dwell on how the child or person died, but how wonderful it was > to have them in your life. This is not an overnite project, it is on > going. Much like I guess it is when your child goes away to college > and you are not in control of them, you have to separate yourself. > Still loving them, but letting them go. Our loved ones only want the > best for us, and living in sadness doesn't celebrate their life. > Believe me, this has only been my thought mode for the past few > months. Many a day I wished I would be swallowed up in the mattress > and dissolve. I wore my son's tacky watch for two years and never took > it off because i needed it close to me. I still have the last pair of > socks he wore between my mattress. We find things that help us make > the next minute, the next hour and do what we have to do to survive. I > knew I had to because I had a child ten years olf and a husband. > Sometimes when feeling really low, it is nice to go sit ouside and > breath in the air, and watch the birds and just be. Taking your > thoughts and listening to the people, the wind, the birds and > breathing long and deep. Almost mediative breathing. It helps calm > and recenter yourself sometimes when you just feel anxious and > overwhelmed. Just know there is no one path each person takes. We do > what we can do to get through those first years and if we find > something that helps us feel joy again, patent it and sell it to all > of us!!!!!:) Problem is there is no one fix for each person, we have > to find our path ourselves because we all have many different > thresholds in dealing with grief. Just knowing that there are others > who are struggling makes us feel we aren't crazy. Any suggestions or > coping mechanisms are most helpful when trying to find your new > normal. My thoughts are with Cindy's mom and Sally Pam Your post made me smile by the end. It is so true we all have our own ways of coping. My brother was a personal chef - so I dressed up like that for Halloween, which happened to be 7 weeks after he died. I bought a chef jacket embroidered "in Memory Of..." It felt scarey, but felt good. I bought a journal from snapfish.com with our picture on it, from when we were little. I write in there sometimes. One thing that helped a lot was sewing. I realized that me, my Mom and my Aunt were the closest female blood relatives to my brother. So, I made a pillow for my Mom (at Christmas time), am in the process of making one for my Aunt and will then make one for me. Each is quilted on the back and then embroidered on the front "Luke's Mom" "Luke's Aunt" and "Luke's Sister". A ribbon that says, "Remember.....Remember" is sewn all around the edge. I also wrote a poem that kind of tied it all together. This was a really big deal for me (emotionally) to do. I would start shaking when I sewed the one for my Mom. Sometimes I had to stop sewing because it was too hard. I felt such a release when I completed it, though. It was intended to be a cry pillow - to cry into. My Mom has told me several times how she grabs it and cries into it. Marsha
From: only me on 26 Mar 2007 05:34
Hi Sally, My name is Pat. I was sorry to read about your loss. IMy daughter was killed 12-1-05, hit by a drunk driver while walking. It doesn't seem to get any easier with time, while I can put it in the back of my mind at times, to get thru the things I have to get done, my thoughts drift back the minute there's no distraction, at times the whole thing hits me harder, I have to breath deep to get myself together. I try to put on a front for her children & others also, so they all think I am fine. I guess we do what we have to trying to deal with our losses, but to get over it, I'm afraid "never" is the key word there. My thoughts are with you. Pat |