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From: millsdebbie2001 on 15 Mar 2007 09:43

I am the step mother of a 25 year old step son. His father adores
him. After he graduated from college about 2 years ago he returned to
his basement bedroom, got a job working for the government in the mail
room. As my step son got into a fight with his step father he has
only been to his mother's house about 4 times in seven years. She
meets him at restaurants. He has been living with us since he was
17. When he graduated from school he had opportunities to move out of
town or to move in with friends but he never did. He likes to smoke,
stay out late on weeknights have his friends over all the time and use
our vehicles. Whenever I would ask his father or very occassionally
my step son when he was moving out he would be very very evasive. All
his friends have moved out and got on with their lives. Finally, (for
the 1st time) we had a big blow up and I asked him why are you still
living here? Your student loans are paid off , your're friends have
all moved out of their parent's house. He replied "I was here first".
obviously he was getting at the fact that although his father and I
have been together for 20 years he was in his dad's life first. He
then moved in with a friend of his for two months. Now he wants to
move back home with us temporarily. I said no and told his father I
would divorce him if his son came back. His father just told me my
step son was not "very impressed" that I would not let him come back
to stay with us. I would be interested in what other people think of
this.

From: Banty on 15 Mar 2007 14:14
In article <1173966186.452704.26490(a)b75g2000hsg.googlegroups.com>,
millsdebbie2001(a)rogers.com says...
>
>
>I am the step mother of a 25 year old step son. His father adores
>him. After he graduated from college about 2 years ago he returned to
>his basement bedroom, got a job working for the government in the mail
>room. As my step son got into a fight with his step father he has
>only been to his mother's house about 4 times in seven years. She
>meets him at restaurants. He has been living with us since he was
>17. When he graduated from school he had opportunities to move out of
>town or to move in with friends but he never did. He likes to smoke,
>stay out late on weeknights have his friends over all the time and use
>our vehicles. Whenever I would ask his father or very occassionally
>my step son when he was moving out he would be very very evasive. All
>his friends have moved out and got on with their lives. Finally, (for
>the 1st time) we had a big blow up and I asked him why are you still
>living here? Your student loans are paid off , your're friends have
>all moved out of their parent's house. He replied "I was here first".
>obviously he was getting at the fact that although his father and I
>have been together for 20 years he was in his dad's life first. He
>then moved in with a friend of his for two months. Now he wants to
>move back home with us temporarily. I said no and told his father I
>would divorce him if his son came back. His father just told me my
>step son was not "very impressed" that I would not let him come back
>to stay with us. I would be interested in what other people think of
>this.
>

Maybe the son needs to move on for his own sake or maybe not. Some kids at 25
1/2 need to have the parental home off and on as a backup, some don't.

Say - it was still his dad and his bio-mom living in the house and you weren't
in the picture. Would they expect him to be independant? Maybe, maybe not.
Households greatly vary in this.

But that you're *not* the bio mom puts a big wrinkle on the situation. Maybe he
rightly senses that, if it weren't for his dad's remarriage, this would have not
been an issue. It would be good to consider this as an exercise. You may
represent a loss to him in what his life would have been. That's likely
involved in why he said "I was there first".

Your husband clearly has made up his mind. It's his son. That will always be
there. What exactly about this situation makes is so impactful to you that you
decided that you needed to issue an ultimatum? I mean, from what you describe,
there was one blow-up and you've issued an ultimatum with your whole marriage on
the line. Huh? Is there much more to this story? Or are you committed to your
marriage to your husband or not?

Not that this young man shouldn't get out on his own. Like I said, maybe -
maybe not - clearly if *both* of you agreed he needed to be independant he'd
need to get to that point. But the biggest factor you have to deal with is that
his father is willing to let him stay on. So the first question for you is the
one I just asked.

Banty

From: S.D. on 15 Mar 2007 16:12
On 15 Mar 2007 06:43:06 -0700, millsdebbie2001(a)rogers.com wrote:

> I would be interested in what other people think of
> this.

Your husband needs to step-up... face his lazy good for nothing son by
saying "get a life on your own." If he's unwilling to take this tact,
then you have a bigger problem then you know.
--
SD:)
From: rebecca on 15 Mar 2007 16:16

"S.D." <sd(a)twomuchspam.com> wrote in message
news:1dky6rc99k0k6$.1iiq816rjqo3a$.dlg(a)40tude.net...
> saying "get a life on your own." If he's unwilling to take this tact,

shouldn't that be 'take this tack' ?

always nice to hear from you, S.D. (-:


From: S.D. on 15 Mar 2007 18:00
On Thu, 15 Mar 2007 20:16:08 GMT, rebecca wrote:

> shouldn't that be 'take this tack' ?

I am alwayz glad that my typing erros - gvi some a feling of grat-nas.
<g>
--
SD:)
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