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From: Robert from Michigan on 1 Apr 2007 13:19

"-Calliope-" <calliope123remove(a)remove.gmail.com> wrote in message
news:Xns98E15AD64B77819599491(a)207.217.125.201...
> On Sat 24 Feb 2007 12:25:01a, Robert from Michigan wrote:
>
>> I some what agree with the posters here, with one issue..
>>
>> the *bf* is an adult and the "child" should be taught to respect
>> adults regardless of what the situation. If the mother is going to
>> allow her son to walk all over her bf then he needs to rethink dating
>> her.
>
> I don't see how this is disagreeing with what any of us said, though
> necessarily. The problem, if I recall the OP (this is a very old thread
> and I did not go back and re-read and I'm JUST waking up, lol..) is that
> the OP's solution was to send the kid to his dad's.. to me.. a kid is not
> someone you throw away, because you don't want him around. And if you're
> going to get involved with someone that has kids you have to know that
> it'll be hard work and you may not always agree with how that parent is
> raising their kids.
>
>> By not teaching or reinforcing some sort of structure within the home
>> she is disrespecting her bf as well as doing an Injustice to her son
>> who will learn about the "real world' the hard way.
>
> I don't disagree.
>
>> I have 3 children from my first marriage, my wife has None. I have
>> full custody of my children and my wife and I discuss any and all
>> discipline issues with each other. I learned that children will play
>> one parent against the other and often will do it even more with a
>> "step" parent.
>
> Yep.
>
>> So he needs to make a choice either he is IN the picture or he is not.
>> From what he is saying about the mother he is NOT .. and needs to
>> move on with his life and find someone else...
>>
>> (I am sure this is just one item on a long list of issues that will
>> come to haunt the relationship if it continues.)
>>
>> If my kids disrespect my wife they will (and have) lose any and all
>> liberties ..be grounded, what ever it takes to get them to learn to
>> respect myself and my wife and any other adult in their life.
>>
>> Children should respect their elders PERIOD!!
>
> eh.. I believe there are some very good exceptions. I didn't raise my
> children to be blindly obediant; IMO, doing so raises children who don't
> learn to think for themselves to do what is right and know what is wrong.
>
> Blind obediance is how I ended up a molested child, for instance.

Well I never said they should be "obedient" especially blindly. I simply
said they need to learn to respect, there is a line there.
children (over 4 or 5) know what is right and wrong for the most part.
Whether they chose to follow what is right is an issue of itself.
If the child is put in a position that is immoral, improper, illegal or
otherwise WRONG they need to speak up and tell an adult they can trust.
Ultimately its the parents responsibility. I happen to see parent actually
teaching children disrespect by either doing nothing to correct it or
teaching it by example toward the children or other adults in their life.
If parents did their job and taught respect, and tollerance toward others
that are different we would have a lot less violence in this world!


> My children do not in any way, shape or form respect their father or his
> wife. But it is their father who killed their respect for him, as they
> did at one time. Nearly every single thing he has done in the last seven
> (!!!!) years has chipped away bit by bit any respect that he had.
>
> His wife lost their respect very early in the game.. I think even before
> she sent them letters detailing what burdens they were.. (because she
> didn't like our custody arrangement, didn't like that his being with his
> kids meant she was not with just him, and *gasp* that he was financially
> obligated to support them!) They are, put simply, not people deserving of
> respect.

I can only say one thing about someone like that, I would dump her and if
doesnt then he has let that "evil" women get the best of him and his
children, I would never be with someone that did not love my children and
care for them in a manner that is fitting.. any sort of issues that I felt
uncomfortable to leave my children with would leave me no choice but to tell
her good bye. My children are mine by blood while my "wife" is by choice -
I would say "she" is the burden in that situation NOT the children.

snip"she sent them letters detailing what burdens they were.."
THIS IS TOTALLY WRONG!! children are NEVER a burden!! if they are thought of
that way then maybe the parent should have given the child up at birth to
another couple that tries to have children can not due to biologial reasons,
but would not only give of their heart, time and love, but for most would
give up almost anything to be a parent.

example I have a friend that lost 2 of her 4 children to "children and
youth" or CPS its called in some states because she was unable to care for
them. My wife and I are trying to get her to give us the youngest of the 2
she has not yet lost to the state - the mother is stating she can not handle
both of them and her father had both of them till about 8 months ago (he had
them for last 8 yrs) when he sent the oldest to live with her, he is now
planning on bringing her the other child in the next few weeks. she has
stated to me that she is not sure if she can handle both of them. I have
offered to drive to her state 800 miles away to pick up the youngest (10 yr
old daughter) and have her move in with my wife and I (I already have a
bedroom with furniture set up for "just" her) I also have a large home with
enough room.
The girl knows me but not my wife and has stated she would like to move in
with us.

I have to praise this woman even though she is thinking of giving up her
daughter, (though they would still stay in constant contact as I would never
take that away) she at least knows what her limits are and is willing to do
what is best for her child.

What people do NOT seem to understand is that having children is a full
time, as well as a life time commitment and that whether they stay with the
other bio parent or not, they can not just simply "start over" and brush the
children off or pretend they no longer exist. They need to put the children
FIRST!! I know fathers that refuse to date after a divorce due to the fact
that they fear how a "new" woman may treat his children or how the children
may respond to someone else in his life. (I am not saying stay single
forever - however we need to pay even MORE attention in picking a new mate
when we have children and be upfront that the children will ALWAYS come
first!)

When I met my 2nd wife I told her right up front that I was going thru a
divorce, I had 3 children and I was not only talking to an attorney about
getting custody but I was going to get custody PERIOD! I was up front that
if she wanted to be with me that it was a package deal and I was not going
to hide the fact that she would be helping me raise my children WITH me. I
also asked my children how they felt about her. I will tell you this what
my kids thought about her made a difference. If they simply did not like
her because she was not "mom" I would have taken that as a concern, but not
a strong one as children do NORMALLY have a bond to both natural parents,
however if the children did not like her because of other issues that could
be seen as real than I would have either slowed the relationship or stopped
seeing her (which I did with 2 other women). I lucked out, not only did my
kids fall in love with my 2nd wife, but she fell in love with the children.
we included the children in our decision to get married.

people need to understand what a dysfunctional relationship is and do what
they can to avoid it!!

>> My ex-gf I was dating prior to my wife told her 2 yr old daughter to
>> "get the F*** out of her face" I immediately told her we were done..
>> that alone told me enough about her character that I would no longer
>> be able to continue dating her.
>
> I don't blame you... not sure how that relates to this situation though.
>
>> children need to learn responsibility and respect before they become
>> adults, or they will have a very hard time in life as adults.
>
> They do, I agree with caveats. I don't think rejecting a kid and sending
> them away necessilarly teaches this however.
>
> I don't think I've ever spoke here about how my mom and dad sent my older
> brother to live with our biological father when he was 16 y/o because he
> was a difficult child. This left lasting scars.. so much so that we saw
> him only three times in the next 22 years. (Thankfully, he's worked
> really hard to learn how to deal with that early rejection and came back
> to the family several years ago.. losing my brother this way was hard for
> *all* of us)
>
> I agree that the OP, IIR his situation correctly, needs to discuss his
> concerns about their situation with the mom and try to work out a solution
> that works for the three of them, but if not, rather than getting her to
> send the kid away, needs to decide if he can live with the situation the
> way it is, or move on, himself.
>


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